Melbadaze

From my last drink unyet lately I've the urge to see if I can drink safely again.
It's like all those years have disappeared and the me who drank is back.
When I say "see if I can drink safely" I of course mean "get drunk but remain in my armchair". Because we all know the places a "bad" drunk ends up.
But I know I can be a successful drunk -this-time-round.

Ok,ok to a "normie" the above may seem crazy. But those of us who've lived the insanity know this thinking? Right? Am I a drink away from a slip? But! It would be different for me. I'm not like other alcoholics. :-(

Dee74

I'm not a normie and it still sounds pretty crazy to me, melbadaze.

Bluntly...if you couldn't 'drink safely' before, you won't now.

I don't believe there's any magical resetting over time...I've seen too many people go back out after 5, 10, 15, even 30 years once....and end up right back in the cesspool.

I think we can confuse a length of abstinence with control.
They're not the same thing.

My life is good because I no longer drink.
My life will cease to be good if I drink.

what's your thinking here - are you stressed or bored? worried you're missing out?

D

Melbadaze

I'm not sure. I think I'm worried I'm missing out, yes.

tomsteve

what is a successful drunk? never heard of one.

Melbadaze

A successful drunk. Me getting so chilled out by drink and not tipping over into the dark pit that follows.

Dee74

Thats the great pipe dream of every alcoholic.

If you ever were this 'successful drunk' you never would have quit, MD.

D

Mountainmanbob

Melbadaze

But!......

zjw

But its not fair? haha Yep its not fair. Not fair at all that we cannot drink in moderation like "normal" folks totaly not fair this stinks etc.. Now that we got that out of the way and we are done being mad about how its not fair that we cant have what we want. We can move on with acceptance of the fact that it is what it is. I may not like it but it is what it is and I cannot drink it just doesnt work out favorably for me.

Melbadaze

Why have I lost all my first 3 steps? :-(

zjw

your complacent and forgetful. Luckily your here being reminded. Its one thing I fear the most is that I'll forget myself and fall into the trap. It would be all to easy for me to take my problem lightly and pickup again. I try not to take it lightly. even when those around me tell me how great i've done and that I should get a 6 pack some friday nights as a little reward. I have to explain that they dont understand I'm an alcoholic I cannot just go get a 6 pack some random friday night as a reward it will never work out that way.

Mountainmanbob

Hevyn

Hi Melbadaze. I wondered the same thing at 3 years sober. I began thinking - how ridiculous - surely I can use willpower to have a glass or two of wine!? The one glass turned into 5 that night. Not too bad! So I proceeded to 'drink socially'. I had control for about a week. Eventually it led me right back into the cesspool, as Dee said.

I won't bore you with the details - but SEVEN years later my life was in shambles. I had a huge mess to dig my way out of. I can't believe I allowed myself to think I had any control. Please be careful Melba.

doggonecarl

I think you are treading dangerous ground here, Mel. But as you mentioned, that's the insanity of alcoholism. It never goes away. The siren's song of drinking.

DylanS

Melbadaze:

At this very moment, you are like the man having chest pains and still continues to eat bacon and hamburgers. His body is warning him that sickness and possible death are imminent. The mental obsession, that subtle, insidious snake, is winding around your brain. The obsession uses own mind against us so we want to think drinking is OUR idea. This is the disease, man!

You've lost the 3 steps, IMO, because you've lost your connection to how hopeless the alcoholic condition really is. The book tells us that no abnormal drinker EVER recovers the capacity to drink normally, we can NEVER safely use alcohol in any form at all.

I recently heard a statistic: for those who have 10+ years of sobriety, and drink again, only 3% make it back. I had 14 years sober and, because I did NOT keep spiritually fit, did NOT stay in service, the insanity slowly returned...

I started thinking I wasn't a 'real' alcoholic. Surely this allergy thing was silly, I mean, after all, it was only a theory and it was made back in the '30s - and science was not what it is today! So I "decided" to try the drink test as described in the BB. What would've been the sane choice, even if I was honestly questioning my alcoholism, was to see if I could leave it alone for a year (the other suggestion), AND to go through the steps with a sponsor to honestly determine if I was alcoholic.

BUT, since the insanity, the obsession, was already in motion, I had to 'decide' to drink in order to make it okay, make it MY choice.

I told myself I'd try the drink test and, if I couldn't stop abruptly, if I lost control, I'd go right back to AA.

That was 13 years ago, and I now have just 16 days. My mind was changed, you see. With regard to alcohol, I cannot differentiate the true from the false. I went straight into binge drinking, but then, falling in love helped me moderate for a while so I thought I was in the clear. Slowly at first, the drinking became more and more frequent, I got drunk more and more. It quit being fun. It started causing a lot of problems. Moderation wasn't even on the table. But I didn't want to go back to AA, then. I tried several other methods specifically designed to help with drinking itself, which may work for others, but not for me': AVRT, REBT, SMART.

I'm back in AA; by the grace of God, I am, at the moment, part of the 3% who make it back. But if I don't get and stay in fit spiritual condition, I will be doomed to die an alcoholic death (by accident or design).

I share this with you as a warning, a fellow traveler who also got a way down the sober road and wandered afield, and drank. You're not missing anything but despair, demoralization and death. My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to plunge back into AA, plunge back into service, immediately get a new sponsor or contact the old one - go through the steps again. Notice the sense of urgency: the insanity, the obsession, is already in motion. If you don't reconnect with the true knowledge of your condition, I'm really afraid for you, my friend.

And, first, I'd thank God that you were directed to this site - this was no accident.

Let us know how you're doing - please don't go down the road I did. If you're questioning your alcoholism, get with a sponsor, go through the steps again - through the steps you'll look at your experience. You can question your alcoholism sober. You can look at your past experience to determine this; you do not need new/more experience to determine it.

Grungehead

If you are entertaining the thought that you can safely drink again then you must not believe that you are powerless over alcohol. You can't lose something you do not have. And if you think that you have power over alcohol then all of the rest of the steps are meaningless.

Melbadaze

I just want to scream!!! Aaaarrrgghhh!!!

DylanS

Makes sense - the desire is bumping up against your willpower. Willpower can't stand up to the obsession for long. Does this sound like you now: restless, irritable and discontent? You certainly sound that way. Wanting to scream over not having a drink - does that sound like a 'normal drinker'? No. Normal drinkers don't fret over drinking or not drinking. They just don't.

Is there someone sober you can call - you need a lifeline to help get you back to sane thinking. Or is there an AA hotline you can call there - to get someone to go with you to a meeting? Your sponsor?

bigsombrero

Melba, sorry you're going through this. Question: would just one make you happy? Would drinking one glass of wine or one beer per week be so great? No. That is not what we crave. We alcoholics drink to get drunk, to get stumbling-down, slur-your-words drunk. Some of us hide it better than others, but it's there, and it will eventually kill you if you go back. If you were to return to drinking, you would very quickly be consuming a very high level of alcohol on a daily basis. That IS the only option when you return to drinking. You WILL become a heavy, heavy drinker. Because for us, drinking just one is not possible.

Get back to basics. Remember, that first step, as Grunge pointed out above. We are powerless. And we cannot survive in this world as drinkers.

Melbadaze

This sounds even crazier. But, I want the secrecy of it. I want to pour vodka into a soft drink and know I've done but no one else would. But then I remember I haven't driven drunk in all these yrs, how could I goback to that? I know there's change in that aspect for me.
Thanks for listening