Petewill

Hello... I am at 48 days and i feel like I am going crazy... so much pressure.. new job, pays well, but very hard..high learning curve.. Still have not spoken to my 13 year old in almost 2 months.. told her some very vile things this last relapse, and my sister and her family no longer have anything to do with me.(from the relapse and acting out at that time) to top it off, nothing like feeling alone and by yourself all the time, physically and mentally.. the bottle is what stopped me from thinking about that pain.. I have attended meetings everyday and work with a sponsor.. he says i need to get more plugged in to the meeting and share more, which I find very hard to do.. my home group has alot of sobriety and I find them intimidating - they sound like poets when they share.. lol I don't want to drink but, so many mistakes and a pretty empty life at 45.... failed relationships, failed marrige, failed jobs, no self respect.. I feel like I am ranting and having a pity party.. just the getting sober thing, for the millionth time is a very lonely road, it is for me at least.. hell, the drinking these last few years has been a lonely road...
thanks for reading and have a great day...

Dee74

The bottle causes the pain Pete - you have to remember that - all your trial and tribulations right now they come from the bottle.

Stay sober and you have a chance of eventually making things right - drinking again and you have no chance.

You still sound depressed to me Pete - the 12 steps are great, but I think you'd really benefit from some counselling too.

D

Petewill

thanks dee.. i am doing that as well.. along with meds..

Dee74

I'll shut up then LOL.
Hope you can power through this - it's worth it Pete

D

Croissant

Hi Pete....I'm sorry you are feeling wrought with so much pain at the moment.

Re drinking....I look it now as 2 clear choices, I drink and see how my life turns out, or, I don't drink and find out the life I was meant to live. Your daughter is only 13, you have years to make amends and hopefully Grandchildren to love in the future that she trusts you to spend time with. These are the things you can do right and it's only by being sober you can participate in her life....and your own!

Please don't feel lonely, you aren't alone, there are lots of us making these choices each day....and I to feel disconnected from life....but drinking will only disconnect us in the worst way possible.

You mentioned that one of your groups is well into sobriety, there are lots of people here, even by reading posts and sharing, you won't be judged. We all have a bag load of things we wish we hadn't done....our families will forgive us when they are ready, but that does not mean we shouldn't start working on the beautiful canvas that can be our future.

Stay strong.

hope22

Petewill it sounds like your doing all the right things. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. I have a little over six months sobriety, life is by no means perfect but it has gotten easier. I've been keeping the faith that if I stay sober, work the steps and be patient with myself the rest will fall into place. Remember we did not turn into alcoholics overnight and it will take some time to reverse the damage. Hang in there you are not alone.

Jfanagle

Pete,
I got sober at 46, and your life sounds very much like mine at that time. I am an old SOB so I can give you a preview of the next 14 years if you get through today and then the one after that.

Kids come back, and with a renewed respect, in fact if one of them gets into alcohol too deeply, you can be there so that they get sober, stay sober and have a wonderful adult life.

Go to enough meetings and steal enough material from others and you too will become a "poet" and perhaps help the ones behind you.

In early sobriety I learned to be alone with myself and I got to know a guy that I had forgotten existed. I walked, read and slowly shared my new found me with others and pretty soon I was not alone all that often. Funny how people value time with someone who expresses interest in them and not just selfishly drinks himself into a stupor.

Hang in there, I promise that it gets so much easier and so damn much better. If you need someone to talk with shoot me a private message, I have been where you are.

Good luck my friend,
Jon

zjw

you sound pretty down pete I was there I was down for a while. It made it really really hard to wanna remain sober. I figured whats the point? Lucky for me I had some things that told me booze certainly wasnt going to work out in my favor either. I was getting terrible panic attacks. In yoru case it might be your situation with your daughter or simlier events etc.. For a good while I grinned and beared it. I wanted to climb the walls i wanted to smash stuff I wanted to break things etc.. And you know I had no idea i was depressed!! I just thought i had bad anxiety and that life sucked I had no idea i was depressed till much later. I didnt have a therapist etc.. or anyone to point this out. I didnt go to AA I didnt come to this site or anything till a year later.

As far as your work goes becare too not overcomplicate your life too much. Try not to put too much added stress on yourself during this time frame. I'm not saying quit your job etc.. Just be mindful of how much stress you saddle on your back during this period of time you cannot afford to take the risk of the added stress right now is a time of recovery a time of healing etc..

For me I grinned and beared it. Sucked it up one day at a time not really sure why. I'm glad I did as I now have 2 years under my belt and feel much better. It does get easier just hang in there.

graceful

DON'T DO IT! I just came off of a relapse after 10 months and man it is not worth it. Stay Strong!

artsoul

Just getting sober is a huge accomplishment and a huge stressor. A new job is also a huge stressor. Try to stay in today and just deal with what's in front of you and be patient with yourself. You have a lot going on!

Speaking personally, the time I most wanted to drink was when I was feeling overwhelmed. I had to learn to let some things go in order to stay sober and not let myself indulge in worrying (still working on that one!).

As long as you don't drink, you're moving ahead, I promise......Things will work out.

Petewill

Thanks for all of the wonderful responses and support. This is why I always come back to this site not matter what. anyway, I am hanging in there, it's been hard.. I don't want to drink, but the emotional state of being in limbo sucks.. not knowing what's coming next.. sober.. been doing the AA meetings everyday - still feel outside and cannot really share.. and the dread of feeling just alone all the time is not a good feeling.. just to think, I always had a woman around until these last two years.. now, i feel like a leper.. lol.. Jfanagle.. I really liked what you have to say. well, i'm still trying tomaintain this..