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What do you say when asked why you dont drink?

Old 08-22-2013, 11:30 PM
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What do you say when asked why you dont drink?

This is often a delicate issue for me. Unfortunately, entertaining clients is an enormous part of my husband's job, and we are often in drinking situations. I don't have a hard time not drinking, but I'm often asked WHY I'm not drinking. It's a fine line in this situation. I hardly want to share with these people that I'm an alcoholic, because like it or not, we need to present a professional front, while still enjoying a good time (we are, after all, trying to get these people's business). Clients usually like to drink (sometimes a lot), especially since we're picking up the tab. The last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty for enjoying their evening with a cocktail. The bottom line is that gaining business this way is a very, very important part of my husband's job. I love him and want to help him, especially because he stood by me through years of my very obnoxious drinking. He counts on me during these evenings, because I tend to be a chatterbox and it's so much easier for him when I carry the conversation. I'm happy that I can help him this way, and he often brags to friends and family about how great it is to have me beside him. What's a girl to do?

It depends on the situation. I might get the waiters attention prior to a meal and work out a system, where I usually ask for a vodka tonic, and get club soda with lime (I know, I know...it's dishonest, but sometimes the simplest way works the best). I might claim to be the designated driver that night, so that my husband can indulge (this can backfire, because it can be taken as passing judgement...which one of your guests will have to step up and volunteer to be the designated driver in their party?). I can use the old "I'm on antibiotics" or something similar, but I hate to get into additional conversation that makes me tell any more lies, like having to elaborate on what's wrong with me.

In any other situation, when I don't care what anyone thinks, my favorite answer is "I have no talent for drinking" (paraphrasing Jane Austin's quote from Mansfield Park "I have no talent for certainty"). Sometimes I just say that I'm an alcoholic, unless it's just too much information for the situation (not great over pizza with the other parents after a Little League game). Sometimes I just say I'd rather have a coke that day. Sometimes I don't say anything and change the subject when questioned. Sometimes nobody gives a fiddlers fart whether I drink or not, which is fine by me!

I know I'm opening myself up for criticism here..."YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOUR SOBRIETY!", but sometimes there are mitigating factors involved. These are just a few of the ways I deal with this sometimes sticky situation. How about you?

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Old 08-22-2013, 11:57 PM
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I don't know what your profession is but I spent my 5 of my 6 yrs in sobriety as a stockbroker - a field I had 18yrs of experience in and recently left. At the end, I had close to 1000 clients, most of whom were wealthy, influential, "important people." I was also the branch manager........managing other brokers.

"Entertaining" was and IS a very regular and important part of the job.

Early in recovery I used a number of half-truths to explain myself. As I grew in my recovery and grew in my maturity I began to get more and more honest. The last 3 or 4 years I just used one line: "I'm a recovered alcoholic and I don't drink anymore. I used to drink quite professionally -haha- but I don't anymore." Not ONE time did being honest ever hurt me. Never lost an account, never got any odd or negative feedback and as a matter of fact, it actually GOT me some extra business....and that was a fairly regular occurrence not something that just happened once or twice.
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:22 AM
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Thanks for that, and I admire you for your solution. This may seem like a cop-out, but women are perceived very differently than men. Men can be heavy drinkers and still be quite respected. People tend to have far less respect for a drunken "sloppy" woman. I kind of figured I would be opening myself up to criticism from the forum, but this is my own life, my own truth, and I'm okay with it.

Incidentally, these are my husband's clients, and he is a commercial contractor. The competition is brutal. I don't know if he would lose clients or not, but after practically killing him with my many years of drama/humiliation/lies/despair/insanity/money down the drain/shrinks/verbal and emotional abuse/worry/etc...I'm going to bend over backwards to do right by him. I adore this man, and I am so grateful that I didn't lose him.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:08 AM
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I don't have a great answer, but I identify with the question. I also haven't really landed on the thing I feel comfortable/ok saying, and I also feel honesty would hurt me professionally.

My close friends and family members I told. My parents I told "alcohol just isn't agreeing with me these days." [My mother, an alcoholic in big time denial herself, is having trouble with this and keeps asking. "Maybe you have a gluten allergy," she says. Oh boy.]

With others, including work situations, if it's people who have never seen me drink I just say "alcohol doesn't agree with me." If it's people who have seen me drink before, I say "I was having some health issues, and I found I felt better if I didn't drink." If they press further I say troubles with my stomach or troubles sleeping. People don't go much further with that usually.
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Old 08-23-2013, 03:38 AM
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There are people in the world who don't drink and never have. What do they say?

Seriously, I just tell people I don't drink. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation as to why I don't drink. If they know me well enough to have to explain it they already know why.
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:29 AM
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In the almost 5 years I've been sober, I can count on one hand the times I've been asked "why?" when I say I don't drink. At first I felt like I needed to spill my story and really justify it, eventually I just found a few quips to say like "I drank my share long ago" or "I drank too much/liked it too much, so now I don't" or just "it's healthier for me if I don't" if it's close friends or something, I'm comfortable enough with my past and my sobriety to open like that but I really feel it's never necessary. A lot of people don't drink. I'm not a huge fan of lying about it, I get the temptation but you're right, it doesn't feel good. People who ask why really don't want to know that it's because you're an alcoholic and all the judgment or whatever that goes on with that, that's why "I used to, now I don't" generally gives them the picture, but I never feel I owe anyone an explanation they really don't want to hear anyway.
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Old 08-23-2013, 05:45 AM
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I'm surprised how few people have asked me why I'm not drinking. the truth is people really aren't that bothered what I do.They're more interested in themselves. Even if they ask 'why' it's more of a conversation issue than a genuine interest. In no way do they want my life drinking history.

I'd also be very careful about arrangements with waiters orderingvodka tonic but really meaning tonic water etc.They are busy/they will forget/another waiter may get the drink/ a guest may also order a vodka for you. I'm not saying shout out about your sobriety at such events,of course you don't need to but I wouldn't 'pretend' to drink,for your sake. Truth is most peoplewon't bat an eyelid at what you're drinking.
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:08 AM
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In early recovery, I made it a point to stay out of any situation where that question would even come up...

Let your husband entertain clients alone for a while. When your recovery is stronger, you can join him. You will find then that it's not the issue you are making it now.
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:14 AM
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"What do you say when asked why you dont drink? "
reply could be:"why should I"
or
"why do you"
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:16 AM
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I've rarely been asked why I don't drink, my close friends know why and my other social situations all involve mingling around, where noone is keeping any sort of tabs on who drinks what.
If asked, which has only happened once, I just say that I'm trying to lose weight or doing weight watchers, and that part of the diet is not drinking. Its pretty simple to come up with something - I had a big bit of cake this morning so no wine for me now! That sort of thing.
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:19 AM
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I used to "entertain clients" and the last time I checked drinking was not mandatory. In fact, I probably did more harm than good during those after-hours meetings. Even if my clients enjoyed the evening, the real meat-and-potatoes of the deals were closed during business hours. You think someone was going to sign my $35,000 proposal because we enjoyed a couple of drinks at the bar? Are you kidding? No. Business went well when the numbers matched up, and all large financial purchases are made sober, by sober employees during business hours. The drinking-and-entertaining situation is a huge excuse that alcoholics use quite often. As if their professional livelihood DEPENDS on them drinking. "If I don't drink, I'll get fired, and there will be no food on the table for little Susie and Timmy! So I HAVE to drink, it's for my JOB!" Bunch of BS.

As for what I say, I just say "I'll have a club soda with lime" when someone asks me for my order. I rarely get questioned. However, I think the real questions are coming from my own head. I feel like I need to have an explanation ready, and often blurt out elaborate answers "I'm not drinking for a few months, trying to lose weight" or "I'm off the drink for a while, I like to take some time away from alcohol" --- these are answers I volunteer, but when I think back I was never even asked. I'm just insecure about it, and need to get better and just stopping at "No thanks". I am sure you can as well!
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Old 08-23-2013, 06:30 AM
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People rarely ask, but a good answer is "I just don't."

With so many medical conditions and medicines requiring abstinence I doubt anyone would push further. Who really wants to learn if you have bleeding ulcer or some other malady?
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:18 AM
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me personally i'd be inclined to jokingly reply that i'm a raging alcohlic! complete with a crazed look in my eye and all. then let them wonder if i was really joking or serious about that answer.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:26 AM
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no-one really asks, though sometimes there's a quizzical look. a question like "why don't you drink?" is really quite an intrusive one, and i consider it a bit too personal for a business-client situation.

but if it ever came up, i'd shrug and say "i just don't like it".
does anybody ask you why you're not ordering squash, or shrimp, or coffee? is it any of their business?
just shrug and move on. since you say you're a chatterbox, you're capable of moving right along. if anyone insists past that, they're simply rude.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:41 AM
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One thing I'm just now learning to be ok with is its ok to not like something its ok to have your very own opinion. So it would be totaly ok for you to say I just dont like it etc.. or whatever. The only issue with yoru response is the issue your creating no one else is creating the issue and if they do thats there issue not yours.

I heard a guy speak recently and people where asking him why he doesnt use this trendy product or that trendy product. And he responded in a way that commands respect and had some authority to it that he just doesnt like those things so he doesnt use them. and people just shut right up about it.
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Old 08-23-2013, 09:13 AM
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In all cases, I am not responsible for how someone else feels about my not drinking.
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:00 AM
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Didn't mean to ruffle so many feathers! Lord Almighty!
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Old 08-23-2013, 10:26 AM
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Im taking medication I cant drink with ,Lots of meds cant be taken with alcohol .
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Old 08-23-2013, 11:14 AM
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My plan, for other than those close to me who know my situation, is to use a health condition I have. Partly true as I could drink some, but there is the problem. I don't drink some..... And, I am quite newly sober.
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Old 08-23-2013, 11:20 AM
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Im a little surprised that you have gotten more than a couple inquirys.

In my recollection, the only people that really seemed to care about who was or wasn't drinking were alcoholics.

I have a friend who is Mormon, and he doesn't drink, never has. He does a lot of high level corporate events and everyone else drinks.

There really is something about a couple guys sharing a beer as a bonding thing. I hate it, but its true.

I kind of felt that was less prevalent with women, but perhaps Im wrong.

Simply saying, I just don't care for it should suffice 99.9% of the time.

If it is someone that you used to drink with, perhaps you could say, doctors orders? Or just say you cant? Again, in a business setting, I would have a hard time imagining anyone pressing too hard.
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