Dealing with DUI
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 117
Dealing with DUI
Hey, all. I posted over in the newcomers' forum earlier and got some great feedback. Just checking to see if there's anybody over here that can lend some more insight.
Long story short: My husband and I have been drinking in an unhealthy way for years. I believe we are very enabling, but he's had some success in the past with long-term sobriety. Unfortunately I have not.
He got a dui the other night, spent the night in jail, lost his license, and will be paying dearly for this terrible mistake. We found a good lawyer, but this probably won't be resolved until after the first of the year (meaning the court appearances).
We both are horrified, shocked, afraid, and embarrassed. We're stressed about him losing his job if anyone finds out and about all the money and inconvenience this involves. I realize that's the price you pay for doing what he did, and he's very willing to accept this, but this is rough.
I also have lots of guilt for that evening. I am the one that suggested we have a couple of drinks. He doesn't blame me. We have sworn off alcohol, and strangely I feel closer to him than I have in a long time.
If anyone cares to share their insights about your experiences dealing with dui and how it affected you, I would be so appreciative. I know there is a silver lining somewhere and that I need to really chill out, but I have to say the urge to drink, for me, is gone.
Long story short: My husband and I have been drinking in an unhealthy way for years. I believe we are very enabling, but he's had some success in the past with long-term sobriety. Unfortunately I have not.
He got a dui the other night, spent the night in jail, lost his license, and will be paying dearly for this terrible mistake. We found a good lawyer, but this probably won't be resolved until after the first of the year (meaning the court appearances).
We both are horrified, shocked, afraid, and embarrassed. We're stressed about him losing his job if anyone finds out and about all the money and inconvenience this involves. I realize that's the price you pay for doing what he did, and he's very willing to accept this, but this is rough.
I also have lots of guilt for that evening. I am the one that suggested we have a couple of drinks. He doesn't blame me. We have sworn off alcohol, and strangely I feel closer to him than I have in a long time.
If anyone cares to share their insights about your experiences dealing with dui and how it affected you, I would be so appreciative. I know there is a silver lining somewhere and that I need to really chill out, but I have to say the urge to drink, for me, is gone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Heck yeah there's a silver lining...if you both realize what drinking in an unhealthy way is doing to your lives, and put a stop to it, then that dui will be a small price to pay for the positive changes that you will see happen in your life as a result of your newfound sobriety! Good luck to you both.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Somewhere USA
Posts: 238
I received a dui in April. It's been quite the experience. It's actually my second, though, my first one was way back when I was 21, I'm now 52 so.... That first one made no impression on me, I was young and invincible. I don't think i even quit drinking for a day.
This time, I quit, for good. It's been 136 days for me.
To the DUI. I was lucky, no-one was hurt, and no one but me and my neighbors house (talk about embarrassing) was involved. I had a good lawyer and got the charge reduced down to Reckless operation and physical control. It helped that I haven't had any other traffic violations or anything else in over 20 years.
Fines, lost my license for 6 mos. (get it back in October),probation for a year, misdemeanor on my record, and of course, much higher insurance premiums. As I said, I think I still consider myself lucky.
The good thing, silver lining as it were, is that it made me face up to the fact that I really can't drink. There is no such thing as one, there is no such thing for me as moderation. I'd known it for a while, just never really faced it.
Timing was horrible though as far as work was concerned. Things have been rough at work and missing the days from the arrest, and the court dates, cost me. I lost my job. I don't think it was the dui that did it, they don't know about it. But, with all the changes the company was going thru, and the extra missed time, it didn't look good and I was let go.
Honestly, looking back at it with sober eyes, I think the too many days of being hung over hurt my performance over time, and that's what ultimately cost me my job.
Funny thing, my stress level has really decreased since I lost that job I hated going to every day.
So, that's been my experience, everyone's is different. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to better myself, and I will.
This time, I quit, for good. It's been 136 days for me.
To the DUI. I was lucky, no-one was hurt, and no one but me and my neighbors house (talk about embarrassing) was involved. I had a good lawyer and got the charge reduced down to Reckless operation and physical control. It helped that I haven't had any other traffic violations or anything else in over 20 years.
Fines, lost my license for 6 mos. (get it back in October),probation for a year, misdemeanor on my record, and of course, much higher insurance premiums. As I said, I think I still consider myself lucky.
The good thing, silver lining as it were, is that it made me face up to the fact that I really can't drink. There is no such thing as one, there is no such thing for me as moderation. I'd known it for a while, just never really faced it.
Timing was horrible though as far as work was concerned. Things have been rough at work and missing the days from the arrest, and the court dates, cost me. I lost my job. I don't think it was the dui that did it, they don't know about it. But, with all the changes the company was going thru, and the extra missed time, it didn't look good and I was let go.
Honestly, looking back at it with sober eyes, I think the too many days of being hung over hurt my performance over time, and that's what ultimately cost me my job.
Funny thing, my stress level has really decreased since I lost that job I hated going to every day.
So, that's been my experience, everyone's is different. I'm trying to look at it as an opportunity to better myself, and I will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I have been sober ever since my last dui
Originally Posted by Celticgirl 
If anyone cares to share their insights about your experiences dealing with dui and how it affected you
some of my dui's had not much effect on me
just thought that the suffering that comes with them
was part of my life
then again
other dui's I received gave me a big wake up call
and
I remained sober for many years after receiving them
yes
there have been plenty of dui's over the years
last one I received was 5 years 10 months ago
I have been sober ever since -- thank God
due to dui's
lost my license a few times
cost me a ton of money
went to many drunk driving schools - 3,6,12 and 18 month
rode a motorized bicycle around town for a couple of years
went to jail for 4 1/2 months
there's more that I care not to remember at this time
on the second dui things really get so much worse
fines, jail, lawyer cost etc etc etc
a third dui within 10 years in Calif usually calls for a prison term
Mountainman
just thought that the suffering that comes with them
was part of my life
then again
other dui's I received gave me a big wake up call
and
I remained sober for many years after receiving them
yes
there have been plenty of dui's over the years
last one I received was 5 years 10 months ago
I have been sober ever since -- thank God
due to dui's
lost my license a few times
cost me a ton of money
went to many drunk driving schools - 3,6,12 and 18 month
rode a motorized bicycle around town for a couple of years
went to jail for 4 1/2 months
there's more that I care not to remember at this time
on the second dui things really get so much worse
fines, jail, lawyer cost etc etc etc
a third dui within 10 years in Calif usually calls for a prison term
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
If it is a first offense sure it will sting a bit but it is not something that hard to overcome. You'll get through it, but if he gets another one the road is going to get a lot tougher.
I had two and after the second one I didn't drive again for 8 years, just the immense amount of bills. Plus, the loss for two years prompted me to move to a big city where I could get mass transit. After I got comfortable with the idea of not having a car and working right in the city I just didn't look back until 8 years later. I finally decided at that point to move back out to the country.
If this is just his first, manage the fact that he can't drive hopefully for just 6 months and try not to let it happen to him again. You don't want two, trust me.
I had two and after the second one I didn't drive again for 8 years, just the immense amount of bills. Plus, the loss for two years prompted me to move to a big city where I could get mass transit. After I got comfortable with the idea of not having a car and working right in the city I just didn't look back until 8 years later. I finally decided at that point to move back out to the country.
If this is just his first, manage the fact that he can't drive hopefully for just 6 months and try not to let it happen to him again. You don't want two, trust me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
my 1st DUi I swore off alcohol but started back up shortly after.
my 2nd I got drunk the next day. they didn't help me stop drinking.
this statement has me wonderin:
"....but he's had some success in the past with long-term sobriety."
if there was a DUi recently, it doesn't seem to me that there was much success with this long term sobriety thing.
the urge to drink left me many times when faced with a self imposed crisis involving alcohol. once the crisis was over, I was back at it.
just my opinion, but that urge isn't gone. it is masked by horror, terror,stress, and embarrassment.i would strongly suggest ya both take a good look at your drinking and determine if you want to truly,honestly want to do something about it.
he wont be the 1st DUi in front on the court. its not easy to pull one over on them.
my 2nd I got drunk the next day. they didn't help me stop drinking.
this statement has me wonderin:
"....but he's had some success in the past with long-term sobriety."
if there was a DUi recently, it doesn't seem to me that there was much success with this long term sobriety thing.
the urge to drink left me many times when faced with a self imposed crisis involving alcohol. once the crisis was over, I was back at it.
just my opinion, but that urge isn't gone. it is masked by horror, terror,stress, and embarrassment.i would strongly suggest ya both take a good look at your drinking and determine if you want to truly,honestly want to do something about it.
he wont be the 1st DUi in front on the court. its not easy to pull one over on them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 117
Thank you all for your kind words and insight. It is his first DUI. Thank god he didn't injure anyone. He's also almost 52, and he apparently will be able to get a provisional license to go to work, but the license is suspended for six months. Being a teacher, it's concerning to both of us what will happen to his job. I've been reciting the serenity prayer all day. And trying to take it all very slowly, one moment at a time.
We both have been drinking to excess for years. I feel like we've been terrible parents,and I am so filled with remorse. I have had several blackouts in the past year, and when I picture myself as a falling-down drunk, I shudder.
He had a year sober back in '05, but that was after a couple of years of secretive binge drinking. Honestly, I think I drink more than he does, but we both are so codependent. I have also heard from many that once the initial shock wears off the urge can return. Thank you for the warning. We are both committed to doing whatever we can to make it through. He has some history with AA. That's an option we are both open to.
We both have been drinking to excess for years. I feel like we've been terrible parents,and I am so filled with remorse. I have had several blackouts in the past year, and when I picture myself as a falling-down drunk, I shudder.
He had a year sober back in '05, but that was after a couple of years of secretive binge drinking. Honestly, I think I drink more than he does, but we both are so codependent. I have also heard from many that once the initial shock wears off the urge can return. Thank you for the warning. We are both committed to doing whatever we can to make it through. He has some history with AA. That's an option we are both open to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Sorry to hear his job is teaching, I guess it depends on the school district and whether or not his arrest becomes public knowledge. If they deem it a negative reflection of the school district unbecoming of the student body who knows what they will rule.
Is it possible that they will see kindly on him if he is seeing a professional counselor or Psychologist? Much like Canada, if he can prove that he is in the process of reform he may be granted a pardon.
Is it possible that they will see kindly on him if he is seeing a professional counselor or Psychologist? Much like Canada, if he can prove that he is in the process of reform he may be granted a pardon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Celticgirl
Being a teacher, it's concerning to both of us what will happen to his job.
my wife is a teacher
concerning a DUI your husbands job should be ok
although he drank too much and drove
booze is still legal
any type of an arrest for illegal drugs or moral type arrest would be a different story
I don't think that a DUI is a moral issue
if the school even finds out about it ??
they may request of him to attend some type of treatment program
so as to cover their own rear ends (the American way)
Mountainman
concerning a DUI your husbands job should be ok
although he drank too much and drove
booze is still legal
any type of an arrest for illegal drugs or moral type arrest would be a different story
I don't think that a DUI is a moral issue
if the school even finds out about it ??
they may request of him to attend some type of treatment program
so as to cover their own rear ends (the American way)
Mountainman
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
I could not think of any worse way to wake up than in jail with a hangover and slowly come to realize that I'd driven drunk and killed someone.
I think that would be the definition of rock bottom.
Lets hope that your husband has hit his rock bottom and you can both turn a new corner.
People (alcoholics in particular) have an uncanny way of forgetting the trouble they got in to last time round. Don't let this be a precursor event to something tragic.
Best to you both.
I think that would be the definition of rock bottom.
Lets hope that your husband has hit his rock bottom and you can both turn a new corner.
People (alcoholics in particular) have an uncanny way of forgetting the trouble they got in to last time round. Don't let this be a precursor event to something tragic.
Best to you both.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Plenty of DUI experience here.
One in 2000. Didn't drink for 6 or 9 months give or take....I was too afraid to, knew it was bad, etc etc etc.
Got another in 2004 - 2 in 7 years, this one was really gonna hurt. The penalties made the first one look like child's play.
Before I was sentenced for #2 I was arrested yet again.....about 6 months later...... driving with no license, no insurance, no license plate on my vehicle, and a warrant for my arrest for failure to appear in court for sentencing on DUI2 - this made for DUI #3. THAT one promised at least a year in jail, loss of my brokerage licenses because 3 alcohol offenses in Michigan in your lifetime = a felony charge, a TON of fines and expenses.......etc etc etc. 2 and 3 cost me just over $45000. I was back drinking within days of my third arrest.
As awful as most of that must seem.....I can look back now with the clarity of hindsight and sobriety and see that they were some of the most important events in my life. As scary and painful as life was at the time, that's what it took for me to finally BEGIN to recognize that there was a real problem afoot. I was also forced to go to AA - I would have rather died an alkie than ever go voluntarily - and then everything in my life started changing for the better.
I'm thankful for those DUI's now. I'm grateful for every single bit of fear and pain I had.......cuz it took plenty to really wake me up to my reality.
One in 2000. Didn't drink for 6 or 9 months give or take....I was too afraid to, knew it was bad, etc etc etc.
Got another in 2004 - 2 in 7 years, this one was really gonna hurt. The penalties made the first one look like child's play.
Before I was sentenced for #2 I was arrested yet again.....about 6 months later...... driving with no license, no insurance, no license plate on my vehicle, and a warrant for my arrest for failure to appear in court for sentencing on DUI2 - this made for DUI #3. THAT one promised at least a year in jail, loss of my brokerage licenses because 3 alcohol offenses in Michigan in your lifetime = a felony charge, a TON of fines and expenses.......etc etc etc. 2 and 3 cost me just over $45000. I was back drinking within days of my third arrest.
As awful as most of that must seem.....I can look back now with the clarity of hindsight and sobriety and see that they were some of the most important events in my life. As scary and painful as life was at the time, that's what it took for me to finally BEGIN to recognize that there was a real problem afoot. I was also forced to go to AA - I would have rather died an alkie than ever go voluntarily - and then everything in my life started changing for the better.
I'm thankful for those DUI's now. I'm grateful for every single bit of fear and pain I had.......cuz it took plenty to really wake me up to my reality.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 117
Thanks for your insight, all of you. I can't talk to anybody here, and I really need to know that it's all going to be okay in the end. Any coping strategies you can pass down would help tremendously.
I know it's not my charge, but we've been married for over 25 years, so whatever happens to one of us happens to the other. Right now I'm trying to really focus on the here and now and what steps to take next.
We live in a small town and are praying that this doesn't get out. Since Tuesday, there's been nothing in the papers, so I NEED to learn to live in the here and now and not focus on what happened and what's to come. I sincerely do believe this is the bottom for him - and for me. I have absolutely no desire to drink. Poured everything down the drain the night this happened. He's assuring me that he is done as well, and I honestly do believe him.
BTW, how did your families handle this? I'm worried about my teenage kids.
I know it's not my charge, but we've been married for over 25 years, so whatever happens to one of us happens to the other. Right now I'm trying to really focus on the here and now and what steps to take next.
We live in a small town and are praying that this doesn't get out. Since Tuesday, there's been nothing in the papers, so I NEED to learn to live in the here and now and not focus on what happened and what's to come. I sincerely do believe this is the bottom for him - and for me. I have absolutely no desire to drink. Poured everything down the drain the night this happened. He's assuring me that he is done as well, and I honestly do believe him.
BTW, how did your families handle this? I'm worried about my teenage kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 13
I have had 2 in a span of just over one year. The first one cost me my license for 6 months, plus a $500 fee. The second resulted in my license being revoked, and a $1500 fine. How I avoided jail time is beyond me. I'll be extremely lucky if I ever get a license again.
All I can say, is DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
The first time is hard enough, but the second? Damn....describing it would be a profanity filled paragraph.
All I can say, is DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN.
The first time is hard enough, but the second? Damn....describing it would be a profanity filled paragraph.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Celticgirl
BTW, how did your families handle this? I'm worried about my teenage kids.
Funny thing happened when I began to quit trying to manipulate and control what other ppl thought of me - not only did my life get more enjoyable......I started getting compliments from ppl about how they really liked and appreciated my honesty. When I encounter someone else who's not playing a role but instead being their true self.....it's verrrrrry refreshing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 117
That's so good to hear. This is just a small town and we know lots of people, but you're right - the ones that really do care won't judge. And we'll deal with the embarrassment when or if it comes out. In the meantime, we're just going to stay sober and work on what we can fix today. When did you stop drinking?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Effects kick in after the court dates/trial. Unless you were injured.
Family members DUI effects really kicked financially after court and the mandated time & programs, fines and lawyers fees. Cost were so high it has taken him out of a vehicle.
Good news he has learned to use public transportation. Bad news still drinks and drugs. Likes he doesn't have the worry of driving home AND GETTING CAUGHT again.
Use the DUI as a reason and starting point for change.
Family members DUI effects really kicked financially after court and the mandated time & programs, fines and lawyers fees. Cost were so high it has taken him out of a vehicle.
Good news he has learned to use public transportation. Bad news still drinks and drugs. Likes he doesn't have the worry of driving home AND GETTING CAUGHT again.
Use the DUI as a reason and starting point for change.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Both my DUI's were also car accidents. I became a blackout, drinking and driving, bar hoping fool after discovering vodka and redbull shots (with cocaine, when I had it).
I would awaken from these blackouts with trees whissing by my car, punching threw my windows, and finally stopping my car with a violant, sudden, final stand. I got out, tried to walk home, and a nice policeman asked me what I was doing and if that was my car. I said "I'm jogging (it's 3:00am) and yes, but I just park it there sometimes. It's no big deal.
I would also awaken with rain, slidding down my window, illuminated by a very bringht light, a very close bringt light, which suddenly smashed through the window, spinning my car to smash into another car. Metal and glass breaking and pushing together. When the cops came this time, I just put my hands out the window so they would just go ahead and ******* cuff me.
So yes, scary, close call, lost of money in fines and probation, lose of a license, etc...
...but you know what, I was immensed in AA, had little, but did more with less, and I was happy during that time...really happy.
I hope you find happiness in the process and on the other side.
Kjell
I would awaken from these blackouts with trees whissing by my car, punching threw my windows, and finally stopping my car with a violant, sudden, final stand. I got out, tried to walk home, and a nice policeman asked me what I was doing and if that was my car. I said "I'm jogging (it's 3:00am) and yes, but I just park it there sometimes. It's no big deal.
I would also awaken with rain, slidding down my window, illuminated by a very bringht light, a very close bringt light, which suddenly smashed through the window, spinning my car to smash into another car. Metal and glass breaking and pushing together. When the cops came this time, I just put my hands out the window so they would just go ahead and ******* cuff me.
So yes, scary, close call, lost of money in fines and probation, lose of a license, etc...
...but you know what, I was immensed in AA, had little, but did more with less, and I was happy during that time...really happy.
I hope you find happiness in the process and on the other side.
Kjell
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