ma67

I came across this site whilst look up alcoholics behavior on line. My GF is an alcoholic and I've only just found out the severity of it recently. I've been seeing her for just over a year which has been very up and down..but now I can understand why it was so up and down.. I know I love this girl but I'm thinking I need to break free, can anyone advise if they know the drinking will ever stop? She keeps saying she'll stop but it never happens, I really don't want to let go but I'm thinking drop down I have too..its beginning to get worse, arguments are getting worse and insults are now creeping into it..will it get better? Or do I break it off? I'm upset even thinking about breaking it off..can anyone help??

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Short answer, leave.

Long answer, If you stay with her you are going to deal with the madness you are currently dealing with now...

She'll quit drinking when she feels like it. No sooner. Ready to wait?

Soberpotamus

This is a tough one.

My husband and I dated while I was still drinking. He figured out pretty quickly that I was what he called a "power drinker"... I guess that's a nice way to say it. Anyway, he stayed. And we got married 9 months after we met. I got sober two weeks before we married. I stayed sober about 8 months, then relapsed. He knew I had intentions of quitting, and that I tried. In April I decided to go to a 20 day outpatient and quit for good.

All this to say... in all honesty, I've been "trying to quit" since age 27. That was ten years ago. It took that long for me to grasp the gravity of the situation, and to figure out what NOT to do, and then finally, what to do. Hope this makes sense.

I've asked him many times if he was going to leave me. He said No. That he never desired to leave, although it crossed his mind often, during the worst times. And I don't blame him one bit. I'm amazed he actually stayed.

Not sure what to tell you. I guess, in your heart, you already know what you want to do. As Carl has said above, she is going to quit when she decides to quit. No sooner.

ma67

Thanks for replying..im really not sure what to do...i don't want to lose her and would love to think she would get off it, but I know I can't tolerate this anymore..

Soberpotamus

Have you suggested to her that she needs immediate help? And that you are no longer willing to tolerate this?

Ptcapote

It's a hard situation ma67 but what Carl and Jennie have said is true. It's really up to you but you should know going into it that indeed she will only stop when and if she wants to and likely nothing you say or do will, ultimately, have any impact on that decision (I know that's hard to hear). And, second, it will get worse and not better if she doesn't stop. Alcoholism is progressive and as you're seeing now, things are sliding into ugly territory, right?

I have been on both sides of this coin and know how painful it is but, ultimately, you just have to ask yourself if you're invested enough to wait what may be a very long time for her to become someone that you might get glimpses of when she's sober but who also has another whole person living inside of her with a separate agenda. Namely, to drink.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

Boleo

Perhaps you should try going to an Al-Anon meeting. Or this SR forum:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

ma67

Thank you everyone..she has told me that she is going to Turning point' soon...ive never experienced anything like this, one minute she loves me, the next minute I'm hated, shouted at and verbally abused. Its difficult to cope with and I recently discovered she was drinking before she went to work, a few times 'out of it' and couldn't go to work..love her to bits but hate the disease she has..thanks so much for responding..Mike.

Sasha4

What would you like to happen with her in the future?
Do you envisage marriage, a home, a family?

You have been with her a year and it is starting to wear you down. If she does not get help, and even if she does, she might relapse etc etc, how will you feel in 10 years time.

If this was your best mates situation, what would advice would you offer him?

Do you think that you will fully achieve all your dreams and goals and the live the life you want if you stay together?

How would you feel in a couple of years time if you have missed out on certain life events - marriage, baby, career, family, - due to her drinking problem.

Do you hand on heart believe she wants to be sober?
Have you experienced life with her sober? What if she is a dry drunk, or just utterly miserable without drink?

You don't have to make any snap decisions now.
If you don't know what to do, maybe it is better to not do anything yet.
Come here and read and learn about alcohol and addiction and read in the family and friends section too.

I wish you the best xxxx

fini

.....i don't want to lose her ....

ma67,
the bad news you may not have thought of is that in fact she is already lost to you. the drinking takes precedence.

she's not really "there" with you, she's somewhere else.

sorry.

Carlotta

Boleo gave you a great suggestion. Our loved ones alcoholism not only affects them but it also affects us. When it comes to her alcoholism, she will quit when she is ready and reached a state of acceptance that she can never drink safely again. Right now, she is probably trying to pacify you since she feels that you are on top of her, it is one of the ways alcoholics protect their drinking, they will pacify, cajole and lie while believing their own BS at the time. You can expect her to be secretive about it and hide it in the weeks to come. Please restrain from codie behaviors such as smelling her breath and searching for booze.
With alcoholism: We did not cause it, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it. What you can do is take care of yourself and get support from others who have been affected by someone's addiction.
Join us at the friends and family forum, you will get a lot of support there.

Edited to add: whether or not it gets better is up to her, but the question is will you get better? I won't tell you whether to stay or leave because I know how difficult it is to extract oneself from a codependent relationship but think about it: You deserve better than to be with someone who verbally abuses you.

Zebra1275

If you stay with her you are going to need to share her. She has another lover, and it comes in a bottle.

My guess is that she loves you both, in different ways, hence the ups and downs. If she gets sober she might be your soul mate. But you might not be able to wait that long, and frankly she might never get there.

Maybe you could suggest to her that she join this website?

Johno1967

Every intimate relationship I ever had prior to my current ended because of my behavior when drunk and propensity to choose alcohol above my GF. My wife dumped me about four times because of my drinking before we got married. I kept coming back all contrite and apologetic and simply changed tactics and patterns. Its amazing the devious ways I found so that I managed to still drink while our relationship continued on a rocky path until marriage and after that. I guess she saw some promise.
If you really love her, you are going to have to work it out. It sounds bad but you may have to give her an ultimatum or call a "cooling off" period and break off the relationship. If she is serious she will come back and commit to change, if not she will go someone else. You decide your tolerance limit.
Remember, if you make a life commitment to this person as she continues down the path of alcoholism you may have to watch that descent into hell. I got to chronic Stage 2 and hit Stage 3 in the months before I hit rock bottom. Stage 4 is not pretty and the outcomes are generally not great for the alcoholic.
Suggest AA, if she won't work on a solution you need to make a decision.
Hope this helps.

YepYepYep

My, now wife, stuck with me through some pretty heavy situations...many blackouts, odd behavior, a bit of drug use...
I am making my commitment to change, have been clean for some time now, and continue to go strong.
What does this mean for you? The only ammunition you truly have is the words you use to tell her how it affects you. Judge her reaction, and subsequent actions. If they are towards a positive outcome, consider sticking around. Sobriety does not come overnight, but any improvement can mean she is beginning ascent in the right direction.

Best of luck to you!

ma67

Some very good advice here and I can't thank you enough for this. Lots to think about and of course my two children who I hope would have a good friend (hate the terminology step mum)....sasha's words are literally what's in my head at the moment, after a year should it be like this, we can't go 7 days without a row..all drink related..! Thanks everyone !!

Mountainmanbob

Johno1967

That changes everything IMHO. Your kids do not need a step mum like that. Do your self a favor and bin her. I would without a moments hesitation. Bring some peace and serenity back into your kids lives if not for yourself. There are plenty other people out there who can make you happy and be a good friend to your children. In this case, hope is not good enough.

BoxinRotz

I have an alcoholic husband who lived 20 years sober. I married him thinking he was sober and he let the demon back out and he's been on a rampage of shear destruction ever since. He just totaled his Harley Night Train on 7/3/13 and suffered massive head trauma. $200 in vodka has now netted us over $100,000 in medical bills, countless trips to the ER, several CT scans of his brain, his frontal lobe from temple to temple is separated from his skull and just yesterday morning, his CT scan showed he has fluid/blood pooling on the right side of his brain and although they did not keep him for brain surgery today, he may have to have it in 4 weeks if it keeps accumulating.

This is one aspect of living with an alcoholic that gets in any motor vehicle and drives it out of the garage/parking space or off the property AND not only do they pose a danger to themselves, other people, innocent lives are at risk. And, I see you have kids so now you have to ask yourself, Do I let her take them ANYWHERE?!!! My husband and I don't have children and it had gotten to the point where I had to NOT ride that bike with him because if I would have, I wouldn't be here. I used to flatten the tires. I had thought about it that morning and instead, I let go n let God. Sometimes, I wish I would have flattened them. Sometimes, I wish I would have done what I really wanted which was take her out of the garage on a Saturday afternoon and douse her in gasoline and flick a cig on her. I'd of rather of paid the loan off than go through what I am right now.

And you know what? Even after he smashed his head off the road, ate pavement, whatever you want to call it, He still drank! He still got in the vehicle to go on vodka runs! He still lied! He still hid it! He still called me every name in the book! He still told me that I did nothing for him! HE STILL WENT BACK TO FEED THE DEMON! I bathed that man in my kitchen sink. I dressed his head wounds which required a plastic surgeon visit every week and cadaver skin. I did all his paper work for FMLA to keep his benefits intact so he could be treated for his extensive injuries. I did what I had to do and while I was at work, he'd sneak off.

Ask yourself... Do you really want this for yourself and your children? Because even though I never expected this just 2 years into our marriage, I now have a brain injured husband and I find it very difficult to look at him, even after all his choices and say EFF YOU! If the shoe was on the other foot and I had a terrible lapse of judgement, I wouldn't want him to look at me and say, EFF YOU. I find myself in a whole new boat due to alcoholism and it's a boat you don't have to get on... you have a choice of looking at my boat and watching us float on by. You don't have an obligation to share love with an alcoholic demon. That demon can live forever unless she arrests it. If and when she lets it come back, it will come back bigger and badder than ever before with a vengeance.

EndGameNYC

Hey there, BR.

Shortly after I relapsed from 2008 to 2011, I moved in with my now-ex and her toddler son. She noticed that I'd been drinking when we first got together after years of friendship, and then a few more years of having lost contact. She was somewhat confused because, during our time as friends, I never drank, but she never made a big deal over it. Until she did. And I never told her why I hadn't been drinking all the while we were friends. She too was a clinical psychologist in private practice. She also taught and supervised psychologists-in-training. We'd met years before in grad school, and I was reluctant to talk about my sobriety what with my starting a new career that, paradoxically enough, is often described as a small community in NYC.

I'm sure we were both in love shortly after we met so many years ago, but she'd been going through a divorce, and I was in a relationship with someone else, so the timing wasn't great. Turned out putting off our romance was also bad timing.

Here comes the good part: She was trained in and offered harm reduction treatment for people who struggled with alcohol. When she started to catch on to the extent of my drinking and my drinking behaviors, she attempted to use harm reduction strategies with me. One rather large problem was that she couldn't monitor my drinking when I wasn't home, and she didn't always catch me sneaking drinks when I was home.

My whole act crashed and burned after about fifteen months together, culminating with a change of locks, my personal belongings on the wrong side of the front door, and a firm request that I never contact her again. Although all this was painful for me, I was happy to be able to continue my daily drinking without being under surveillance. She begged me to get serious about getting sober again, but my drinking was just more important to me than being part of a family with her.

I only contacted her once after that time, to make amends via email. I tried calling her to make amends, but she never accepted my calls, and I wasn't going to trick her by blocking my number. She told me it was just too painful for her to talk to me. A huge heartbreak for both of us. Never heard from her again.

ma67

Its been very interesting reading all the replies. Someone quoted a Jackal and Hyde situation and that's exactly what it is, she drinks in the morning and she drinks before I visit her (6.00pm)...and then she drinks again at night, often late which is when the devil appears in her, she very verbal which impacts on me the following morning (I don't drink at all during the week)...we then have silence on text which could last for days. Then we would make up after I'm told 'i want to stop this sh**, of course I fall for it but nothing changes...im made out to be the monster in this which I sometimes find hard to accept...