Finally Told My Wife...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Finally Told My Wife...
I've been telling my wife that I've been trying out this 'meditation group' nearly every morning, but which is really an "Early Birds" AA meeting.
In the past, she has voiced extreme judgment about alcoholics and addicts and I just didn't want to go there.
But, this morning, when I got home, I figured, 'f*ck it, tell her' and she was incredibly relieved and supportive. She's been going to Al-Anon and has learned a lot about alcoholism and addiction and wasn't judgmental at all.
It was such a relief - it felt like a huge chasm had closed. There, in fact, was an elephant on the table and it was my drinking/using. As it happens, I wasn't as sneaky as I thought I was about my drinking/using. She could tell when I was on oxy, and of course, definitely could tell when I'd been drinking or doing both (drinking and taking or snorting oxy). She said when I was on oxy I was, "Nicer, but empty, not real." and when I was doing both I was just, "Out there." I'm beginning to see the falsity, the lie of the high - even though I still want it, I'm not as blind to what it was doing to me, now.
In the past, she has voiced extreme judgment about alcoholics and addicts and I just didn't want to go there.
But, this morning, when I got home, I figured, 'f*ck it, tell her' and she was incredibly relieved and supportive. She's been going to Al-Anon and has learned a lot about alcoholism and addiction and wasn't judgmental at all.
It was such a relief - it felt like a huge chasm had closed. There, in fact, was an elephant on the table and it was my drinking/using. As it happens, I wasn't as sneaky as I thought I was about my drinking/using. She could tell when I was on oxy, and of course, definitely could tell when I'd been drinking or doing both (drinking and taking or snorting oxy). She said when I was on oxy I was, "Nicer, but empty, not real." and when I was doing both I was just, "Out there." I'm beginning to see the falsity, the lie of the high - even though I still want it, I'm not as blind to what it was doing to me, now.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Good for you.
I've learned that honesty works like a force field to keep away dishonest or otherwise hurtful people. The greatest gift that we can give to another human being is the honesty of our feelings.
Many people will tell you that "communication" is most important in relationships. In my experience, communication only works well when we are communicating honestly. For me, honesty is of paramount importance in relationships, and whatever comes in second is far behind. And for people with personal and/or interpersonal struggles (and who doesn't have those?), it epresents the most immediate and direct path to healing.
I learned to get honest in recovery, and doing so has been a big part of my salvation. We're all so afraid that we'll provoke anger, abandonment and retribution if we're to be honest. Instead, what we typically get is information that helps us form a realistic appraisal of our relationships with other people. And it is precisely this realistic appraisal that scares the hell out of us.
My being honest has alienated some people, while a few seem to have chosen to avoid me. I'm probably among the least threatening people you'll ever know when it comes to talking to me or otherwise engaging me. I'm never aware of being honest with the motivation to hurt or harm someone else (which is often not the case when I'm drinking), but to paraphrase Jack Nicholson, some people can't handle the truth.
I've learned that honesty works like a force field to keep away dishonest or otherwise hurtful people. The greatest gift that we can give to another human being is the honesty of our feelings.
Many people will tell you that "communication" is most important in relationships. In my experience, communication only works well when we are communicating honestly. For me, honesty is of paramount importance in relationships, and whatever comes in second is far behind. And for people with personal and/or interpersonal struggles (and who doesn't have those?), it epresents the most immediate and direct path to healing.
I learned to get honest in recovery, and doing so has been a big part of my salvation. We're all so afraid that we'll provoke anger, abandonment and retribution if we're to be honest. Instead, what we typically get is information that helps us form a realistic appraisal of our relationships with other people. And it is precisely this realistic appraisal that scares the hell out of us.
My being honest has alienated some people, while a few seem to have chosen to avoid me. I'm probably among the least threatening people you'll ever know when it comes to talking to me or otherwise engaging me. I'm never aware of being honest with the motivation to hurt or harm someone else (which is often not the case when I'm drinking), but to paraphrase Jack Nicholson, some people can't handle the truth.
Originally Posted by DylanS 
I've been telling my wife that I've been trying out this 'meditation group' nearly every morning, but which is really an "Early Birds" AA meeting.
In the past, she has voiced extreme judgment about alcoholics and addicts and I just didn't want to go there.
But, this morning, when I got home, I figured, 'f*ck it, tell her' and she was incredibly relieved and supportive. She's been going to Al-Anon and has learned a lot about alcoholism and addiction and wasn't judgmental at all.
It was such a relief - it felt like a huge chasm had closed. There, in fact, was an elephant on the table and it was my drinking/using. As it happens, I wasn't as sneaky as I thought I was about my drinking/using. She could tell when I was on oxy, and of course, definitely could tell when I'd been drinking or doing both (drinking and taking or snorting oxy). She said when I was on oxy I was, "Nicer, but empty, not real." and when I was doing both I was just, "Out there." I'm beginning to see the falsity, the lie of the high - even though I still want it, I'm not as blind to what it was doing to me, now.
In the past, she has voiced extreme judgment about alcoholics and addicts and I just didn't want to go there.
But, this morning, when I got home, I figured, 'f*ck it, tell her' and she was incredibly relieved and supportive. She's been going to Al-Anon and has learned a lot about alcoholism and addiction and wasn't judgmental at all.
It was such a relief - it felt like a huge chasm had closed. There, in fact, was an elephant on the table and it was my drinking/using. As it happens, I wasn't as sneaky as I thought I was about my drinking/using. She could tell when I was on oxy, and of course, definitely could tell when I'd been drinking or doing both (drinking and taking or snorting oxy). She said when I was on oxy I was, "Nicer, but empty, not real." and when I was doing both I was just, "Out there." I'm beginning to see the falsity, the lie of the high - even though I still want it, I'm not as blind to what it was doing to me, now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 45
Good job Dylan!! Knowing you have your wife's support can only aid in your recovery. Often times we are not as sneaky as we think 
. I know when I have tried to hide everything recovery related in my life from those around me (who truly care about me) it often didnt end well for me. I believe you did good!!
CH
. I know when I have tried to hide everything recovery related in my life from those around me (who truly care about me) it often didnt end well for me. I believe you did good!!CH
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Thanks everyone - it was kinda funny, to be hiding getting clean/sober, just like I (thought I) hid my drinking. There's the fear I won't make it and will let her down, "hope deferred..." and all that, but I think it's my best shot to put all my eggs in the basket.
Thanks again - I really don't think I'd be this far without the support of you SR folks.
Thanks again - I really don't think I'd be this far without the support of you SR folks.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
Thank you for this post! I want to communicate with my husband, we have in the past but not in a completely honest manner and its usually one-sided; him. I hope to get where you are soon.
I feel as though once I speak up this will all be too real. Obviously it is very real but the thought of talking openly at this point is overwhelming and makes me want to puke.
I admire you.
I feel as though once I speak up this will all be too real. Obviously it is very real but the thought of talking openly at this point is overwhelming and makes me want to puke.
I admire you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
This is something I'm struggling with as well. Who to talk to and who to tell ? Is it better to just be honest and tell people ? I'm not worried about losing a few friends who don't understand as I'm sure I'll lose more if I continue to drink.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
My great-grand-sponsor in AA told me one time that he's NEVER told the truth around something AA related and had it blow up in his face. Maybe it was a little rocky for a bit but, in the end, everything worked out for the best when he was honest.
I thought he was exaggerating so I began to test his theory out....half-hoping to be able to come back and throw something in his face about how I was honest and it screwed me. 4 years of testing and I still can't prove him wrong. Glad you found it to be true as well.
I thought he was exaggerating so I began to test his theory out....half-hoping to be able to come back and throw something in his face about how I was honest and it screwed me. 4 years of testing and I still can't prove him wrong.
Glad you found it to be true as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
1Undone - oh, I do feel for your dilemma. I was pretty apprehensive, but it was getting more and more difficult to explain my sudden interest in a 'meditation group' that met daily and required that I get up at 5 a.m. to be there by 6:45 a.m., lol. Once the tension of hiding it became strong enough, it kinda forced my hand. 
Thanks for the post, Tincup - losing more friends by continuing to drink - yeah, that hit home for me.
Thanks for the post, Tincup - losing more friends by continuing to drink - yeah, that hit home for me.
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