blackoutgirl

Well, here I am. Almost two years later after failing to follow through with my sobriety. For anyone that has read my posts in the past, I haven't been blackout drunk for over a year. Not something to be proud of as I'm still drinking but I've drank just enough to ward off the beast, so to speak. I've been dealing with maintenance drinking for the most part, especially the last 6months. In my opinion, maintenance drinking is worse than being a complete lush.

It takes a lot of effort to maintenance drink, and try to not go over that "point of no return." I figure it's either all or nothing. I feel that I torture myself daily with, "I have to rush home, he won't be home until 8pm, I can get in a few before he arrives."

Then afterwards, I find myself feeling extremely guilty, paranoid, sad, sluggish, and worthless. The range of emotions that I've been feeling is without words to describe.

Sunday morning will be my official day one again. I feel that I don't relate to the newcomers, sorry, even last time when I quit for 60-something days.

I'm just tired. I'm tired doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Sudz No More

Nice to see you back at it, we've all been there. Just get back on track and try not to let the early impulses get you. Get past those early cravings and then you can start building on your momentum. You can do it.

Dee74

so was I blackoutgirl.
got any ideas on what you might do differently this time?

D

blackoutgirl

Well Dee, the most that I can do at the moment is remind myself that drinking makes me feel worse, I feel horrible. It's one of those moments where you know the outcome, but do it anyway. I have to fight through that. I feel like I should just go to bed.

I cleaned the entire house today and looked at alcohol as my reward. Not very rewarding as I've been a sneak and had a few drinks here and there. That in itself makes me feel so nervous, that the whole purpose is actually pointless.

I drink to relieve stress, yet drinking causes me more stress.

Dee74

Thinking about the effects of drinking is good, but if it's not stopping you from sneaking a drink or two, I think you need more?

I usually hate pithy slogans but this one is a beauty: I think nothing changes if nothing changes blackoutgirl.

You need changes. Definite changes. New decisions and solutions to old situations.

Think about what you can change - it might be as small as looking for other ways to reward yourself, or getting whatever alcohol you have out of the hours so you can't sneak think drinks.

think about more support too?

I'd normally suggest joining the Class of August thread but you've said you don't identify with newcomers, so maybe the Under one Year thread might be useful to you?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-19-a.html

There's of course all that other support outside SR too.

noones going to make you go to AA (or SMART or lifering or women for sobriety or anything else)....but doing this on your own is not only tough - it often simply doesn't work

here's some links to some of the main players - spend some time and check each link out - you never know you may find something you're drawn to?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I also recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

you can do this Blackoutgirl...you just need to make that leap of faith into the unknown.
you won't be alone tho

D

robgt350

blackout
well i had same experiences. i drank and blacked out more times than i remembered. i had alot of stress and anxiety over traumatic event. drinking allowed me to get away for a little bit of time, but i had a false sense of security and happiness. but every morning i woke up i was that much more unhappy and depressed. but now i am over 9 months sober and i much happier now. but at times i wondered if i have have a drink here or there such as after yard work, watching sports ect ect. but i know for now i cannot do that. will i every be able to do that? well i dont know, but i do know,,, not for now i will not be able to do that.
you were sober before and that is proof that you can do it again. i had to find new activities to keep my mind busy and that helped me alot. i lost most of my friends and sometimes i get very lonely. but better than drinking heavy every day.

freshstart57

It is up to you how you make your own plan about never drinking any more anymore, and you will need to find something that works for you. Making it hard for yourself by continuing to drink is sorta counter productive. How are you going to make it easy for yourself?

blackoutgirl

Thanks everyone, and thank you Dee.

blackoutgirl

I'm up and out of bed, thinking about what I'll do today. I'm on stand-by for work, so I couldn't drink if I wanted to. When I caved in to alcohol before, I thought it was peer pressure, but it wasn't. It was me looking for an excuse to drink again. I don't go to parties or bars. My friends don't drink that much actually. I went on vacation recently and I could probably count the drinks my best friend had, on one hand, for the entire week. I have a gym membership that I don't use. I could do that on my days off to get out of the house and avoid idle time alone. Its a start anyway.

1undone

Hi there! I relate so much believe me. We are struggling but there is always hope and we WILL "get it."


HUGS

blackoutgirl

Today is only day two, however I've done quite a bit of thinking as to why I threw away my sober time. I totally let my gaurd down, stopped working on my sobriety daily and simply gave up. Moderate drinking quickly turned into daily drinking, which turned into hiding alcohol...again.

The downward spiral of alcoholic thinking consumed me. I've been completely unproductive this summer. The irony of this, is that I feel like I can't do anything without alcohol, yet drinking makes me NOT want to do anything at all. So I make myself miserable. Not the life I want at all.

I saw that someone started a journal dedicated to their recovery. This is an excellent idea and I think it will give me a way to express myself instead of sorting emotions in my head that feels overwhelming at times.

I just want to be healthy and happy. I've gained about 15 pounds, my skin looks dry, I have less energy. I looked at the weight I'd gained, self loathed, and the cycle would repeat itself. I know that I can't live like this.

My hands developed a mild tremor recently. That scares the hell out of me! It took me by surprise one day. I took a sip of my coffee one morning and my hand trembled until I put the mug on the table. Just sat there in disbelief for a few minutes.

Today the tremor has lessened quite a bit. I'm hoping that with each day it will slowly go away, then disappear. Even if it doesn't, it will be a reminder that I've damaged myself...yet another reason to stop drinking and stop lying to myself.

Dee74

way to go on day two blackoutgirl - awesome

D

john44

Hopefully, this will put your mind at ease a bit about the tremors. When I quit I had horrible shakes that lasted quite a few weeks. I couldn't even write legibly and I've always had beautiful handwriting. Slowly it lessened. Today my hands do not shake anymore and I feel a sense of calm (usually) that I haven't had in a long time. The body is able to repair lots of the self-inflicted damage we do. I wish you the best and hope you realize deep down that sobriety is achievable if we really want it.