oooriotgrrrl

This past month I've used four times after almost 11 months sober and clean. During my relapse, I fired my sponsor the day after we had a 30+ minute conversation that felt like non-stop berating. She was driving home my character defects, telling me I need to surrender, etc etc. I'm on the other end of the phone sobbing. When we hung up, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack all day. I felt justified in firing her because she is known to have a sharp tongue but now that I've stepped back, I feel like she is one of the few people in my life who can see through my BS and calls me on it.

Is it her or is it me?

The problem is, I'm a double winner - alcoholic and codependent. I can't tell if this relationship is actually abusive or helpful. I called her and am meeting with her tomorrow to see if we are going to continue to work together. I came crawling back to her for a number of reasons: she helped me stay sober for almost a year, she is a strong woman, knows my story, and has taken me through the steps. Some of her suggestions feel more like orders, however, and she truly intimidates me. In the past, I've gotten so anxious calling her that my heart would race and was scared to be honest with her because of what she might say - not the words so much as her harsh delivery.

I bring this to you because I'm desperate to get and stay sober. I want a life worth living and I know I won't find it in the bottle. I really question if this sponsor is the right one for me but at the same time, I feel like I'm so out of touch with reality that I can't even make a sound judgment call. I've seen her work with a close friend of mine and this woman is flourishing in her program and life. I want that.

In my sponsor's defense, I will say that all she expected from me was honesty and there was a lot I either lied about or omitted. I also didn't follow the program she suggested (and as I type this, I realize that I've been criticizing her program as ineffective when I wasn't even truly following it!) Augh.

My character defects have revealed themselves to me in a way they never have before and I am ready to let go, to surrender. I've been standing in my own way, trying to run the show, and it didn't work. I'm tired.

Any words of encouragement or advice are welcome and greatly appreciated.

Sally3127

You just admitted you are ready to surrender. With that admission I would get back with your sponsor and start working the program. Good luck.

Bubovski

Are you perhaps co dependent to your sponsor too?

Perhaps a sponsor change could help all the problems.

EndGameNYC

Hi oooriotgrrrl.

I won't comment on your relationship with your sponsor. Unless she's truly insane or more abusive than otherwise, it's none of my business. Even then it's none of my business. No. I lied. Sounds like you two have done quite a bit of good work. If it were me, I might be reluctant to walk away from all that.

Many of us feel invisible -- dismissed -- when people don't see us as we truly are, only to find that we're terrified down to the bone when someone does actually "see" us. It can stir up a lot of schit and feelings we habitually run from. Also easy to be angry and defensive when this happens.

Reading through the threads here, I've found ample evidence that many people are unmercifully savage when it comes to what they think about themselves after acknowledging that they have a problem with alcohol. Virtually all threads I've made the time to read that have to do with relapse find the person who relapsed violently attacking themselves for their relapses. In other words, we're often both terrified and filled with rage about being "seen," even when it's we ourselves who see us for what we are. It takes time and lots of work to get to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.

You've had a rough day, and you deserve to rest and sleep peacefully tonight. By not drinking, you give yourself a good chance to work things out tomorrow with a clearer head, and with a panic-free disposition.

artsoul

It doesn't sound like you're "out of touch with reality", it just sounds like you have mixed emotions and are just trying to work a few things out.

Have you shared any of this with your sponsor? Maybe if you opened a dialogue with her about how you're feeling, it would be helpful to both of you(?).

LadyinBC

This is the type of person you want to be your sponsor as much as it might hurt having to hear it. Having someone telling us only what we want to hear, is more hurtful in the end IMHO.

rAAt

Some of us think we don't need to do the 12 steps - and it's only though repeated humiliation do we find out the truth. I hope you find yourself a sponsor who also does the twelve steps.

tomsteve

2 suggestions:
check yer motives for getting another sponsor. do ya want the ,' oh you poor thing" treatment or do you want someone that's gonna help ya get yer head outta yer but and stop the insanity?

print out yer post and give it to your sponsor.


honesty without compassion is brutality.

oooriotgrrrl

Thanks for the advice and thought provoking questions. I met with my sponsor today and I signed a "contract" to continue working with her. I came clean about things I hadn't before, which completely surprised her...which surprised me. I think I made the right choice by continuing to work with her and I am grateful today that she was willing to.

This woman pulls no punches but I know that's exactly what I need to not only get sober, but become the woman I want to be.

Thank you again.

longbeachone

I think you made a wise decision. Whenever I was faced with a decision like this, I had to really figure out whether it was me arguing, or the alcoholic trying to play chess with my life by forcing decisions that would allow her to return to power.

instant

I dont think we can stay sober wothout facing some difficult choices and giving up the soft options we relied on before. Sounds like you have made a good call and i admire your courage.

artsoul

yeahgr8

Hang on...you wrote that your sponsor has taken you through the steps.

Just to clarify are you saying you have worked all the steps following the instructions in the Big Book with her supervision?

What do you mean?