Tetra

Hello all,

It has been almost 3 months since my slip. I was starting to feel good and happy again, and I have finished my postgrad and have started sending out CVs.

I have posted here before about my mum. I won't get into all that again as I am sure people are sick of reading about it.

For the first time in a long, long time I have been feeling happy. I didn't think I would ever write that, but it's true. I had a really nice weekend. I went to visit my friend, I had not seen her in a long time and we had a lovely dinner out, I stayed the night in apartment and we were up late chatting. I am very grateful that she has stuck by me all these years. I came home yesterday and I was up late again last night, eating chocolate and surfing the net. Too much junk doesn't suit me and as a result I have been feeling a bit tired and off today.

My mum has issues, and she always vents on me. I hate being her punchbag. I came home from running errands in town, and said I would like to take a nap. I didn't know that an innocent statement like that would turn into the start of World War 3. My mum started screaming at me that I must have been drinking alcohol with my friend and that's why I am tired and sick. ( I didn't.) She wanted me to do a breath test in front of her, (I said fine, bring it on, then we couldn't find the breathalyser). She began ranting at me that I am never allowed see my friend again and I can't go to her birthday party in 2 weeks time. She said I am an alcoholic, (yes, I know I am, but I am in recovery), and that alcoholics are notorious liars, and once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, (no, not always). I had been in tears by the sudden and unexpected onslaught, but this is when I saw red and I called her a psycho *****. I also said that I will be 33 in two months time, and of course I am going to my friends party and if I want to go to China in the morning there is nothing she can do to stop me. I also said I wanted an apology and how dare she disrespect me and treat me like a scummy dog.

I don't know where my anger came from. I am sitting here, and feeling even worse than ever. There are days when I wake up and I feel okay, even hopeful, and there are times like now, when I feel like there is going to be no end to this. It feels like a prison. I know I have told lies in the past but this was supposed to be my fresh start and I am sobbing in my room.

Hmmm, my dad says I stuck up for myself enough by screaming at her. I am applying for jobs and would like to move out but my dad said he would not be happy with me living in a bedsit by myself. (Fair enough, I would not like that either.) A classmate of mine just got a teaching job in Spain and my dad said that if I were to get a job in Spain, one of them would have to move over with me. (Hell will freeze over before I would move to a different country with my mum.)

My therapist is on holidays at the moment and I am finding today very tough. At the moment all I can see is 30 more years of this ****. I am a grown up in my 30s yet I live like a teenager. I spent a long time drinking and absolutely DESPISING myself. All I want is a bit of respect. Why is that too much to ask?

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Love and hugs to all of you x

P.S. Should I count my sober day as the December 4th 2011, or 19th May 2013? Or does it matter?

john44

Here's the relevant part as I see it. Perhaps it's time to start living as an adult.

Jeni26

I think maybe it is time to move on. Living in a bedsit would be fine with me, it's how many of us start when we leave our parents.

There is being protective and there is being controlling. From the outside looking in, it would appear to be the latter with your parents.

I wish you well x

Tetra

Where does one begin? I feel completely lost right now..

I have lived in bedsits before and became very lonely. I am looking into houseshares...

Olive1

Hi Tetra,

My mom was very controlling in our relationship and especially when I quit drinking. My doctor had even told me that my relationship with her would probably be a test for my sobriety. It got so bad in the early months that we mutually decided to 'break up'.......no contact. It was lonely and sad in the beginning, but the no contact actually gave me the strength to continue to fight and to get stronger. We slowly began contact again after a few months...just civil, boring, no stress conversations. And after about a year our relationship grew into something new and wonderful and better.
I had to put a stop to the madness, if only to give myself a chance to breath and regain my footing.
Our relationship is fabulous now.

Sasha4

I totally agree with Jeni Tetra.

Your parents are being ridiculous to be honest. I hope you don't find that rude of me saying it.

I would look for a room to rent or a bedsit. Does not really matter as it will be your own palace by the time you move in and get your bits and bobs straight.

I would think about blind siding them - as in save up, make plans to pay the rent, get as much cash together as you can and then go and not come home.

You would have your own key.
They won't have a key.
You must not let them have one.

If they order you home, you don't go.
If they demand or be nuisances, you ask them to leave.

You should allow them a phonecall everyday, to say your doing good.

What about being an AU Pair have you looked into that?

You know Tetra there is another way to maybe explain your mum and dads behaviour. Empty nest syndrome? They don't want all their children to go off and live in their own life and the pair of them are left at home together.

They might be dreading to have to put with each other and no-one else around. They may have nothing in common, have forgotten how to get on, or talk to each other.

So it might not be all to do with you, it might be a bit to do with you and lot of their issues.

Could you start making plans?
Could you see yourself ding something like that?
What do you think your parents would say?

I missed you Tetra, I am glad your back.

I wish you the best
xxxx

Tetra

Thank you Sasha4...I have been hoping you are well and you are always in my prayers.

Hugs from Tetra x

GroundhogDay

I think you should move out and live on your own. I assume that will be an option once you find a job. To your parents, you are always their child. I would think twice about the house share. No telling what other people's drama you would be stepping into.

Sasha4

Tetra, I was thinking overnight about you and I think that one way to get you financially set for your own place and own car maybe, is that the time has come to stop being an eternal student.

You need to get a job that pays good.

Maybe not huge amounts, but an amount you can look to increasing and saving so that you have a bond, a deposit and a few months rent.

I think it is really good to study, I have a degree and a higher degree, but if I ever wanted to move from home to my own house, rented or mortgaged, I needed a full time permanent job.

At first I did waitressing on an evening.In fact I started waitressing on weekend nights when I was 14 years old. Then I worked in a shop, then I went into banking, now I am in more of a graduate job. The jobs I did when I was just starting out were low paid and not at all connected to my degree.

They were simply to start saving cash.

I had a friend who studied at university for a degree during the day and to live on his own, he worked in a call centre at night time's.

I am not sure if you are studying full time now, but if you are maybe you could look for shifts in a call centre at night, during the day at weekends?

That would earn you some cash, keep out of your mums way, keep you occupied, enable you to make plans for your future.

If you found a job now, you could be in your own rented flat by christmas I bet!!! How wonderful would that be?

Lots of people your age have property, car's, a family, a pension plan, savings, children. I am 39 and I have one friend the same age who is a grandma. Not that it is the ideal situation.

But I think that studying full time probably makes your mum and dad happy. They know you are reliant on them. But I also think it is holding you back from the living the life you should be leading.

Maybe there are some things to think about now regarding your situation?

I do have another friend, who has never made his mind up regarding a career but he is very, very clever. He did medicine but did not train, then law, but did not train. He lives with this mum and dad and he is coming up to 38 years old. We never, ever see him, as he isolates himself in his bedroom, which is not healthy to me or adult behaviour.

He might carry on collecting all these degree's and higher qualifications that he studying for, but he will never use them in a career as he has not social skills because he has never ever worked. Even a manual job or a minimum wage job that might give him some experience with handling money, customer service or market knowledge. He has no friends, apart from his parents. He sits in his room every night alone

To me it is not right that a man of his age sits in his bedroom listening to music like a teenager would.

I really do wish you the best Tetra.
If I can help in any, any way please know I am here for you xxxx

bigsombrero

I hope all is well, and you're getting some good feedback. I think folks are on to something with the bedsit, or some kind of independent place. Just like quitting drinking, you'll probably find that the timing is never quite right, or the place you are looking at isn't quite perfect...but it's probably healthy to just jump in and just do it. What's the worst that can happen? It also might be good to casually mention the idea without making a big huff about it, rather than making a huge statement with it. Good luck, you're a smart cookie and this will be a great transition for you!

Sasha4

I remember my first flat I rented, on my own, no-one else there but me.

It was tiny, but it did not matter, it was all mine.

I was so proud of it.

I bought myself flowers every week so it looked nice.

I could go to bed when I wanted, talk on the phone for hours, have a bath at 3 in the morning.

It was complete freedom and I also got to say who could come stay and be all by myself if that is what I so wanted.

You would love it too Tetra I am sure xxxx

UnixBer

That sounds like something I can relate to. I can also remember the first time I got my own apartment (and beautiful car - lost that due to drinking). It was heaven. A completely new sense of freedom and energy. I felt like I had escaped a prison and was now in control of my own life. It is such a great feeling. It is the best gift a parent can ever give to a child, freedom.

Sometimes those parents are too attached to their children, no matter the age that it is more about them than it is about the child, the human individual in question. As people they have their own needs as pointed out here before and basically they might selfishly do it for themselves. Because they need something from that child, or need them themselves.

But parent or not, no-one can really own another human being. It is a shame sometimes when/if other people (such as parents) can control or limit our lives in any way. And I know what it means because it has happened to me as well.

I agree that it thoughtless of your parents to treat you that way. I think it is repulsive and outrageous behaviour of an adult person. I hope this doesn't offend you or your parents. I was treated like a child often with no will of his own sort of, for a long time. And that attitude is just something I call may need medical attention. Even today, one relative treats me by phone in the same way, even though the differences are so vast as being impossible to ignore.

I'd take the advice and move on to freedom of my own if I were in a similar situtation. It is the best thing to do, and it pays off in the future as well, as you become more advanced in what you want to be. You'll be thanking yourself for doing it. It is our actions and decisions that determine our future. Individual choices. I choose freedom.

Good luck!

ZoeM

Tetra. I'm originally from Ireland, so I fully understand how we're raised to 'put family first' and all that, but there comes a time when enough's enough.
My parents hates me leaving home, but they soon came round to the idea. Only problem was, they were eternal visitors and having stupidly given them a spare key ' for emergencies ', I woke one morning to find my Dad standing in the room asking why I wasn't out of bed yet!
What I'm saying is, I do not for ONE second regret leaving and I'm sure you wouldn't either (Just keep the spare key somewhere else) xx

Sasha4

Tetra, give me your spare key.

Anyone but your mum and dad!

So whats the next part of your plan?

xx

Nevertheless

Yea from where I sit,it looks like your mom has been something that has triggered drinking since you have been coming here. Of course I'm not a psychiatrist. Just a working guy. Don't know the answer,but I do think you were right to stand up to her. Don't let it drive you to drink.

Fred

Tetra

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it a lot.

It has been a difficult few days. I cried a lot on Monday evening, and I did think about buying a bottle of wine when I went to the shop, but I put the wine back on the shelf and took an antebuse tablet when I got home. (I have some leftover in my desk drawer.)

I went for a long walk by the lake on Tuesday morning. I spent a while throwing stones in the water and I decided that the first step to getting out of my parents house is to get a job.

On Tuesday afternoon I went to my therapist, he is back now. (On a separate note, I pay him money for some of the advice I got from you guys!) He did say that he is pleased that I am finally sticking up for myself, (apparently I am changing!) but that I shouldn't have called my mum a psycho, (I agree, and I am sorry about that).

I asked him if he would mind having a quick look at my C.V. as I am not having much luck with it, and he said he would be happy to help. (A fresh pair of eyes is always useful.) I showed it to him and he said it was a bit all over the place, and he recommended some changes.

Yesterday, I changed my C.V. and I applied for more jobs. Today, I got invited for two interviews, one tomorrow, and one next Tuesday! I am sitting here and starting to panic a bit. I was just chatting to my brother on Skype, he said his golden rule is to avoid coffee completely the morning of the interview. He said you want to look enthusiastic, but not overly so, and to remember that it is not the end of the world if I don't get it. He had to apply for loads of jobs before he was successful. I am still feeling sick at the thought of tomorrow.

I am going to sign off now so I can look for my suit and do some prep work. Thanks again to all of you. I am very grateful for the support.

Love and hugs,
Tetra x

Sasha4

Right Tetra - no worrying about the job interviews okay?

Your brother is right you know.
It is not the end of the world if you don't get the jobs.

What I would do is treat them as experience towards gaining a job.
Experience that you can learn from.

If they ask you a question that you find hard to answer you can learn how to answer it and know for next time.

Have you planned your outfit?

Have you prepared for questions like 'why do you want this job?' and 'what qualities can you bring to this role?'.

I am sure some others can offer advice too.

I wish you the best and I am excited for you too xx