I skipped a friends wedding because it was open bar and now she hates me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
I skipped a friends wedding because it was open bar and now she hates me?
Hello all. I am in the early stages of recovery and have been struggling. Anything is a trigger. I recently lost my job and haven't been out of bed lately. My friend invited me to her wedding and my ex of two long abusive years is her cousin.
He is a severe alcoholic. His father is in liver failure and he texts me drunk sometimes when his girlfriend isn't around. Always from different numbers. He called me from an unknown number 2 weeks ago over and over and I thought it was an emergency from someone so I picked up. He was so wasted and crying that I hung up on him. He said he needed picked up and I told him I have my child and leave me alone. He texted and called all night saying to leave my young child home alone and just come to the bar. That was it for me. I flipped out on him and threatened to call the police.
The wedding was this weekend. My friend begged me to go. I told her I can not see this man and that he will get wasted and make a fool out of me. She knows I have also struggled with alcohol in the past. She still told me it was an open bar and gave me a huge guilt trip. I knew her before him and she introduced us and so on... I had ripped up my invite (I did not tell her this) so I asked her for directions but still told her I felt uncomfortable.
This Saturday night, I did not have my child. I sat there and tried not to listen to my alcoholic voice telling me to just go drive 40 miles and have a few drinks on the way. I reminded myself I knew no one there and one drink to me equals 20 and making a fool of myself plus drunk driving. It took all I had not to go and I felt guilty but sat home alone.
Yesterday, I woke up and sent an apologetic text to the bride. I said I really have been depressed about the job loss (I havent been outside in 4 days) and that I didn't want the ex to make a drunk scene. She didn't write back which was odd. She then posted online "Thanks so much to everyone who actually showed up at my wedding, I love you all!" as a personal jab at me. She is angry at me and I almost drank last night over the guilt of not going. I have tried explaining to her about alcoholism but her dad died from alcoholic cirrhosis (my exes uncle) so she won't talk about it. She is the drink three and stop type.
Isn't this selfish of her? She knows I can't even be around it. Especially open bar with everyone dancing. I would have to sit in the corner. I just can't explain early sobriety and lost a friend over it. Did I do the right thing? Thanks.
He is a severe alcoholic. His father is in liver failure and he texts me drunk sometimes when his girlfriend isn't around. Always from different numbers. He called me from an unknown number 2 weeks ago over and over and I thought it was an emergency from someone so I picked up. He was so wasted and crying that I hung up on him. He said he needed picked up and I told him I have my child and leave me alone. He texted and called all night saying to leave my young child home alone and just come to the bar. That was it for me. I flipped out on him and threatened to call the police.
The wedding was this weekend. My friend begged me to go. I told her I can not see this man and that he will get wasted and make a fool out of me. She knows I have also struggled with alcohol in the past. She still told me it was an open bar and gave me a huge guilt trip. I knew her before him and she introduced us and so on... I had ripped up my invite (I did not tell her this) so I asked her for directions but still told her I felt uncomfortable.
This Saturday night, I did not have my child. I sat there and tried not to listen to my alcoholic voice telling me to just go drive 40 miles and have a few drinks on the way. I reminded myself I knew no one there and one drink to me equals 20 and making a fool of myself plus drunk driving. It took all I had not to go and I felt guilty but sat home alone.
Yesterday, I woke up and sent an apologetic text to the bride. I said I really have been depressed about the job loss (I havent been outside in 4 days) and that I didn't want the ex to make a drunk scene. She didn't write back which was odd. She then posted online "Thanks so much to everyone who actually showed up at my wedding, I love you all!" as a personal jab at me. She is angry at me and I almost drank last night over the guilt of not going. I have tried explaining to her about alcoholism but her dad died from alcoholic cirrhosis (my exes uncle) so she won't talk about it. She is the drink three and stop type.
Isn't this selfish of her? She knows I can't even be around it. Especially open bar with everyone dancing. I would have to sit in the corner. I just can't explain early sobriety and lost a friend over it. Did I do the right thing? Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Hey, someone likes you enough to be upset you didn't go to their wedding, that's a positive thing. I don't think it's selfish of her, it was her big day and she wanted you there. It is a shame she wasn't more understanding but I am sure she was just hurt. I hope you are able to get past this and stay friends x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
I'm sorry all this has hurt you. Please don't drink over it. That would only make everything so much worse.
I would write her a letter explaining everything as you have done with us. Tell her that you regretted not being there but that you have been ill with worry and stress. Give her time to get over the hurt.
It might also be a good time to go and have a chat with your doctor about how low you've been feeling. Being unable to get out of bed can sometimes be a sign of depression.
Take good care of yourself x
I would write her a letter explaining everything as you have done with us. Tell her that you regretted not being there but that you have been ill with worry and stress. Give her time to get over the hurt.
It might also be a good time to go and have a chat with your doctor about how low you've been feeling. Being unable to get out of bed can sometimes be a sign of depression.
Take good care of yourself x
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I'm not sure I would call her behavior "selfish" but I would call it unreasonable. You also may be reading into her post. You'll know if she is mad at you or not by how she behaves in the next couple weeks.
Don't drink over this or any other interpersonal craziness that is bound to pop up now and again. Your sobriety comes first.
Don't drink over this or any other interpersonal craziness that is bound to pop up now and again. Your sobriety comes first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
It's just strange to me because her mom lost her husband to alcoholism. One time I went over to her house and her mom was counting how many beers I had drank and was disgusted when I had three. Her mom can't stand me and my alcoholism. I wouldn't want to go around that negativity. My ex would have started a fight for SURE. I don't want to be around a ton of drunks while sober and depressed. I didn't even RSVP. Just ranting here...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think she is being unreasonable. Yes she is your friend and wanted you there. BUT you have 2 very good reasons for NOT being there. You are not being unreasonable.
I've never liked this idea that brides think the whole world revolves around them andthrow their toys out of the pram when they don't gget all their own way. Yes it is their day but it doesn't give them the right to have control over everyone else. (sorry rant over and yes I am female
)
It is a shame that this has happened but I believe your friend should be more understanding, or at the very least respectful, of your situation .You have done the right thingfor you and your sobriety. We have to put ourselves first in early sobriety,particularly if no one else does. Be proud of not going and putting your sobriety first. You did the right thing. If your friend cannot respect your decision then that is her problem.
I've never liked this idea that brides think the whole world revolves around them andthrow their toys out of the pram when they don't gget all their own way. Yes it is their day but it doesn't give them the right to have control over everyone else. (sorry rant over and yes I am female
)It is a shame that this has happened but I believe your friend should be more understanding, or at the very least respectful, of your situation .You have done the right thingfor you and your sobriety. We have to put ourselves first in early sobriety,particularly if no one else does. Be proud of not going and putting your sobriety first. You did the right thing. If your friend cannot respect your decision then that is her problem.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 212
You did the right thing. If she can't come to terms with it, that is her problem, not yours. If all the circumstances were in favor of your well being, you know you would have been there for her. And that's all that matters. My cousin is geeting married next weekend. A big 2 day drunk fest camping. I told her how much I would love to be there, but I just can't. How she feels about it, I don't know. Hopefullly she understands. I don't waste a min of sleep over it, and definitely not my sobriety. If she is a good friend, she will come around to understanding where you're coming from.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 879
Hi bbe good job on staying sober. Sorry about the job loss.
This person does not sound like a true friend to me. The situation reeks of manipulation & selfishness to me. Especially the Facebook stab. In sobriety I had to let so many people go, I'm sure you will too. It's so tough but freedom comes with it too. Don't give away your power & drink over this.
I hope you feel better soon. Best wishes
good job on staying sober. Sorry about the job loss. This person does not sound like a true friend to me. The situation reeks of manipulation & selfishness to me. Especially the Facebook stab. In sobriety I had to let so many people go, I'm sure you will too. It's so tough but freedom comes with it too. Don't give away your power & drink over this.
I hope you feel better soon. Best wishes
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
People who aren't alcoholics don't understand what it is like for us.
I personally think you did the right thing by not going. A real friend wouldn't compromise your sobriety or put you in the situation of being around an abusive ex.
The friends I have left are supportive and would never put me in a situation I am not comfortable in. Especially early in my sobriety.
Nothing or no one is more important than my sobriety. That is just the way it has to be.
I personally think you did the right thing by not going. A real friend wouldn't compromise your sobriety or put you in the situation of being around an abusive ex.
The friends I have left are supportive and would never put me in a situation I am not comfortable in. Especially early in my sobriety.
Nothing or no one is more important than my sobriety. That is just the way it has to be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
We can't control how others feel
about us or any kind of feelings
at all. Whatever she is feeling is
her stuff. Often people try to put
whatever is going on with them
on us to make themselves feel
better or whatever.
If they try to do that to me, I give
it right back to them. I refuse to let
their insecurities or whatever is going
on with them be the cause of me to
drink or feel bad.
I commend you for taking care of
you in early recovery. The neatest
and right thing you did was, you
did not lie to her about why you
didn't want to go to the wedding.
If you would have lied and not
have been honest, then guilt
or shame would have come
into play and cause more internal
pain.
And too, you would have had to
eventually made amends for lieing
to her. So, kudos for doing the right
thing all away around.
Take care of you is that important.
about us or any kind of feelings
at all. Whatever she is feeling is
her stuff. Often people try to put
whatever is going on with them
on us to make themselves feel
better or whatever.
If they try to do that to me, I give
it right back to them. I refuse to let
their insecurities or whatever is going
on with them be the cause of me to
drink or feel bad.
I commend you for taking care of
you in early recovery. The neatest
and right thing you did was, you
did not lie to her about why you
didn't want to go to the wedding.
If you would have lied and not
have been honest, then guilt
or shame would have come
into play and cause more internal
pain.
And too, you would have had to
eventually made amends for lieing
to her. So, kudos for doing the right
thing all away around.
Take care of you is that important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 341
Still no answer from yesterdays text to her. Sadly, I will move on. The old me would have gone just to start drama and get free drinks. She has been known to start trouble also. Her family does not like me and I think she wanted to have some fun with it for attention. I was always known at her parties to be the drunk crazy one always falling over... not anymore. Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Most of us drank, and cared little for the consequences it had on our relationships.
Sometimes we must have the same selfishness to get well.
Real friends will either understand or listen to your explanation.
If someone doesn't want to understand, cannot forgive, or cares more about their own party than my sobriety, well, I guess that's their problem.
You aren't responsible for others expectations.
Sometimes we must have the same selfishness to get well.
Real friends will either understand or listen to your explanation.
If someone doesn't want to understand, cannot forgive, or cares more about their own party than my sobriety, well, I guess that's their problem.
You aren't responsible for others expectations.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I know it's tough Blue.... I sooo wanted everyone to like me that I'd routinely do things that would hurt ME in the hopes that I'd be more accepted by others. Recovery has taught me that that's no way to live.
It's NOT selfish of you to choose a course of action that is necessary to keep you alive and sober. Some ppl outside of recovery may try to convince you otherwise. That some ppl will be upset that you're doing something THEY don't think is important is their problem to deal with. Selfish of them, probably....but again, it's their problem to deal with, not mine......not yours.
That choice is one that'll come up over and over in recovery. Staying sober and happy is simple.....but it's not always easy. I applaud you for doing what you NEED to do over what was easier to do.
It's NOT selfish of you to choose a course of action that is necessary to keep you alive and sober. Some ppl outside of recovery may try to convince you otherwise. That some ppl will be upset that you're doing something THEY don't think is important is their problem to deal with. Selfish of them, probably....but again, it's their problem to deal with, not mine......not yours.
That choice is one that'll come up over and over in recovery. Staying sober and happy is simple.....but it's not always easy. I applaud you for doing what you NEED to do over what was easier to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Originally Posted by behindblueyes 
Still no answer from yesterdays text to her. Sadly, I will move on. The old me would have gone just to start drama and get free drinks. She has been known to start trouble also. Her family does not like me and I think she wanted to have some fun with it for attention. I was always known at her parties to be the drunk crazy one always falling over... not anymore. Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
I think you made the right choice- both in not going because of the alcohol and in not going because of your ex.
I wouldn't care if it was MY wedding, if my abusive ex was going to be there, I'd ditch out on it. (Ok, well, maybe in that case I'd call the cops on the abusive ex, lol.)
I wouldn't care if it was MY wedding, if my abusive ex was going to be there, I'd ditch out on it. (Ok, well, maybe in that case I'd call the cops on the abusive ex, lol.)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Huntsville, AL
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by DG0409
I think you made the right choice- both in not going because of the alcohol and in not going because of your ex.
I wouldn't care if it was MY wedding, if my abusive ex was going to be there, I'd ditch out on it. (Ok, well, maybe in that case I'd call the cops on the abusive ex, lol.)
I wouldn't care if it was MY wedding, if my abusive ex was going to be there, I'd ditch out on it. (Ok, well, maybe in that case I'd call the cops on the abusive ex, lol.)
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