Adillac

Last night I was confronted with one of those situations in life that prompt my insecurity, my sense of being less-than and useless; the feelings that literally lurch in my stomach . Boy, was it ever a made-for-relapse situation-- me sitting in the living room of my sober-living in the dark with only the back-lit screen of my IPhone. Everyone else was gone, out and about doing sober things.

Here's what I was thinking about my situation: Since A) happened, then B) must be true and the only answer is C). In my revolving-door history with sobriety, I have learned that for me, sitting with the aforementioned feelings leads inevitably to me drinking and using. If I believe what I initially think of myself or a situation, then I'm a dead man walking. Its taken a TON of pity parties and relapses over the past six years for me to recognize what I'm doing to myself. Not always, in fact seldom, am I able to do this but when I can get quiet I suddenly have these options:

1)Consider that what I think about myself, or a situation could be completely inaccurate. Ask myself things like- "Is this always true?", "Have there ever been similar situations that went the way you wanted?"--answering these types of questions honestly usually yields a lot of grey where I tend to see black & white.

2)This isn't a problem, it is a fear

3)Consider the notion of Acceptance, and realize that acceptance isn't resignation but an honest appraisal of what is and a willingness to move forward with faith in a sensible solution. This is the hardest thing in the world for me.

This all sounds very trite and you've probably heard this all before. I'm just sharing it cause it is an old notion that I just never was ready to seriously use. For me, I have 2 options: accept who i am, my limitations, my circumstance, my alcoholism and heroin addiction, or just drink and use. If I'm going to walk this earth beating myself up, or not liking myself, or feeling less-than, then I'll just be drunk or nodding out and die a young man. And, there is nothing "wrong" with that, its just is that what I want? Completely give up?? My answer is No, barely.. Thanks for listening..

caboblanco

yeah sometimes you just have to say f-it and give yourself a break. and sometimes you need to stop thinking about recovery for a couple minutes. We are more than just addicts. You must be exhausted

Adillac

I am exhausted sometimes. It's difficult for me to stay sober.

EndGameNYC

It's likely you're exhausted because of all the intense thinking you're doing, thinking that invariably brings you back to drinking. And your revised version of your thought processes in your first comment promotes further confusion while paralyzing your ability to act.

Some people claim that getting sober is more difficult for people who are thoughtful, that we analyze everything to death without ever taking the actions necessary to effect a meaningful change.

Acceptance isn't the product of intense, rational thought; it's a state of being that comes with being honest with ourselves and taking actions on our own behalf. And sobriety isn't what we say or think; sobriety is what we do.

GroundhogDay

I am starting to understand some of the thought processes and traits that lead me to repeat mistakes. One is that I am not observant enough. The second is that I over analyze things and draw conclusions when I should just remain open-minded and consult others. I think having a few months' sobriety is helping in the process of enacting meaningful change.