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Ever feel like there are friends you'll lose when you say you've stopped drinking?



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Ever feel like there are friends you'll lose when you say you've stopped drinking?

Old 08-07-2013, 12:20 PM
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Unhappy Ever feel like there are friends you'll lose when you say you've stopped drinking?

Seems like a weird question, so I will elaborate..

My problem crept up on me. I started out as a social drinker. Eventually ending up drinking alone in the house because I became horrible to be around in public after a drink. Many a time my friends would say "maybe you should cut down" and eventually "Please stop drinking"

But then, I also found as weekend approached, these same friends would invite me for a drink. So now, I don't feel like I have any friends who will spend time with me doing things that don't involve drinking. I don't want to lose my friends as I need their support but right now I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. They hate my drinking, but i'll be seen as "boring" when I say no. I'm going to say no anyway, but has anyone else had this dilemma or am I going mad?
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:26 PM
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If they drop you once you are sober, then those are not friends just drinking buddies.
You say your friends hate your drinking, they are probably worried about your health and maybe you are obnoxious when you are drunk. If they are true friends, they will be supportive and glad that you are taking a step forward for you health.
My best friend is an active alcoholic (long story) and my best female friend is a normal drinker. Those are the only two friends who know I am in recovery (I was a closet drinker, live alone, drank alone). Both of them are happy for me and my getting sober did not affect our friendship.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:29 PM
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I simply had to let some of my drinking buddies fade away. It helped some, anyway. But I still drank alone, locked in my bedroom. At least I am not going to the bar everyday after work, spending money there and risking a DUI.
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:32 PM
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Yes, I had to make the decision that quitting drinking was more important to me than my friends who I knew deep down were really just drinking buddies. Sure enough when I got sober, they stopped contacting me.

You don't want to hold on to people who aren't real friends...so like Carlotta said, if they drop you once your sober you'll know they weren't real friends anyways or people that you want in your life.

If you lose friends, you will make new ones sooner or later who will understand you and your situation.

Good luck!
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:42 PM
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Thanks for the responses

Definitely, if they drop me, they aren't my real friends.
I was just interested to hear if anyone else had had similar issues whilst trying to stop. And certainly, I have lost enough of my actual friends through drinking so I won't mind losing a couple of the fake ones now I have stopped. I'd rather be alone sober and healthy, than killing myself and having nobody anyway! x
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Old 08-07-2013, 12:57 PM
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Don't be suprised just how many "friends" you lose. I lost almost all of them. 14 months later, they still don't really come around. Oh well. So be it. Life is not about getting drunk (for me) anymore. I think most are jealous that I got my crap together.

Last edited by Live2Run25; 08-07-2013 at 12:58 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 08-07-2013, 01:43 PM
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When I first quit, the idea that I would alienate my drinking friends concerned me. I have not given it a thought in a long time. Now I have to minimize my drunk time with friends because they will tell the same stories over and over again and drive me crazy.
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Old 08-07-2013, 02:50 PM
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Hi

I'm in the UK too.

Probably a bit older as my going out days seems long gone, I'm 40 years old next birthday and I work full time and have a 3 year old.

I have over 534 days without a drink.

I was like you in that my friends all seemed to be sensible drinkers, in that they could have a few, remember the night, go onto coke if they wanted too.

Me, I would be blackout drunk, staggering around, not remember a thing, have to be looked after, and don't even think about things I did with people I did not even know the names of. Just awful. I cringe still now.

I don't know if I am an alcoholic. I just know that drinking makes me and people I love very unhappy. Especially me.

When I stopped I was never sure how long it was for. I could certainly never say it was going to be forever. I did it a day at a time.

If there was an social event or holiday coming up that was a few months or weeks a way, I just said myself with regards to if I was going to drink, 'I will cross that bridge when I come to it and decide then, but today I am not drinking'.

It worked too.

I don't know if I would say that I have lost friends since I got sober.
My life has changed a lot though.

There is not the same amount of going out to drinks or for a meal, but maybe that is because we have children.

I don't feel left out or the one that sticks out when we do go out because I am not drinking.
It is okay, but I do agree with Gaffo - drunken friends when you are sober are dull and repetitive! I can only spend so much time with them.

I also have lots of different friends now, through things I have done with my time to occupy myself when I am sober.

These are friends that are 100% happy to go visit Ikea on a saturday night and have a hot dog and an ice cream at the end as a treat!

But all in all, I like my life so much better now.
Yes it is calmer, but no more 'what did I do, what did I say'. And i would rather have that any day.

I don't spend time slumped in bed with a hangover either so I am more productive and busy.

I have no problem spending time on my way as well, as I like myself more.

I think that maybe you might loose a few friendships along the way.

But if this is important to you and you let friends know how important, the true one's will care more about seeing you and being friends then all getting drunk together.

They will also respect that pubs, clubs etc are probably not the most interesting place for you and be willing to rotate to a non drinking venue so you can spend time together.

I wish you the best xx
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:32 PM
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If friends dont respect your decision , then they not are true friends .
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Old 08-07-2013, 03:50 PM
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I can see the repetitive thing being hugely annoying, I used to start telling a story and immediately be told "yeah you told me that twice already" so embarrassing!
I guess another side of it is of course, even though most of my friends now know I have a drink problem, they may feel a little uneasy about accepting they have a friend who is an alcoholic, that they may be embarrassed or ashamed. But again, if that is the case I would much prefer if they spoke to me about it. My dad was an alcoholic, and even that was embarrassing for me to open up to some of my friends open, so hopefully they will appreciate this is a big step in the right direction for me. I'm only 23 and so are a lot of them, and I think (although some have suggested I cut down on the booze) their idea of a "proper alocoholic" is a 60+ year old sat on a park bench with a cheap can of cider! x
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Old 08-08-2013, 12:32 AM
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Hunnie

It does not matter what anyone thinks.
You are certainly no less of a human being because you are an alcoholic.
This is a recognised disease.

You don't have to tell anyone the reason you don't drink if you do not want to.

I never, ever told anyone.

This is my battle and I will fight it as I see fit and if that is without shouting it from the roof tops that I cannot drink like a normal person then that is what I will do.

XXXX
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:35 AM
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I had a similar dilemma.

My worry was that people would automatically think I was no longer fun, or fun to be around. I may be the exception to many here in that I'm an extrovert whether you add alcohol or not. I was desperately afraid my best friend with whom I had spent many adventures drinking would no longer think it was a blast to spend time with me.

It took some time to warm up to but 98% of my friends completely respect the fact that I don't drink and they know I'm essentially the same person. I am sure I'm also the exception to the rule here, but those same 98% friends drink and mostly come from a drinking culture- yet they are fierce in their friendship and loyalty to me and wouldn't hand me a drink if I asked.

I'm extremely lucky and I know that. Every day I wake up knowing exactly what I did the night before and not having a hangover. That's a miracle.
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:42 AM
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hi,my story is that when me and my so called friends were drinking it was because i was the only one who had a job and i was buying alcohol for everybody,,when i stopped buying because of an argument,,my so called friends quit hanging with me,,,they were gone.that when i started to be a lone drinker,these people were not my friends,i was too drunk to notice that for a time,but im glad things worked out the way they did as far as friends go.they were not,,,but im still a good person and sober now
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Old 08-08-2013, 11:35 AM
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I think it's important to remember that when you tell friends you've quit drinking to not expect them to know what to do. If they don't invite you out it might not be because they're dumping you for being "unfun" but it could be that they're worried about putting you in a difficult and awkward position.

One of my best friends where I live made a decision to stop drinking in the time that I've known her. I didn't know when I found out if that meant she'd no longer want to go out with me and our mutual friends. It was she who came forth and made it known that she still wants to hang out even when alcohol is present--the two of us just have our sodas or whatever and enjoy the company of our good friends.

There were some friends I did more or less stop associating with when I got sober. The near entirety of our social life together was going to a bar -and- getting plastered. It's possible I could've just hung around and not drank, but there was so much emphasis with them on getting drunk that I couldn't see anything left for me.
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