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Is This Breaking Confidence

Old 08-06-2013, 02:55 PM
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Is This Breaking Confidence

I finished my 4th step about a month ago. A few days later after that I came to a meeting and a person came up to me and said "I heard you did a great 4th Step." This person went on to say that my sponsor hadn't told her anything just that I did a great 4th step. I was kind of taken aback. Is that a breach of my confidence. I haven't said anything to my sponsor yet. What do you think?
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Old 08-06-2013, 03:03 PM
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That might make me a little uncomfortable, but my ego would probably love it!
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:07 PM
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It could be innocent - perhaps your sponsor felt really good about you and what you accomplished. However, I would still be uncomfortable. I would also mention this to the sponsor and tell them I was uncomfortable. It is, after all, a program of rigorous honesty.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:31 PM
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I see no point in mentioning anything to anyone about anyone's inventory within the rooms of AA or sometimes out of the rooms.
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Old 08-06-2013, 05:56 PM
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Thanks you guys. You all kind of affirmed what I was feeling. I understand my sponsor may have been pleased at how my fourth step went but I feel that did not give her the right to say anything. I posted earlier on another forum some problems I have noticed in my home group. Im thinking I may have to try some other groups out.
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:00 PM
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As a teacher in a small community, this is another reason I don't go to AA. There is no real anonymous, in my experience. Many people still love to gossip.
Peace,
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:44 PM
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I think whether its a breach of confidence or not isn't as important as the fact that it bothered you. You could just let your sponsor know that someone hearing about your recovery without you being the one to volunteer the information made you feel uncomfortable and that you would prefer she kept your progress or lack of progress private from now on. It's a lot easier to explain that something she did bothered you than it is to tell her that you are finding fault with what she did.
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Old 08-06-2013, 06:58 PM
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We share our own experience, strength, and hope. No one else should do that for us.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:43 PM
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That's not breaking anonymity. Breaking anonymity would be your sponsor telling someone OUTSIDE AA.
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Old 08-06-2013, 07:46 PM
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this could be a good time to work the steps and find out why it bothers you.
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Old 08-06-2013, 09:04 PM
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I've shared at my home meeting about my 4th. Just my thoughts on MY experiences in the process. Absolutely no personal information. If I choose to share my biz that's fine, just don't anybody else do it without my permission.
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Old 08-07-2013, 01:09 AM
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This would bother me but then I have always had a problem with thinking that people are talking about me behind my back, even when that stuff is positive.

Besides my sponsor the only person that knew I did my fifth step was her brother. He lives with her and is also in the program. He made himself scarce that day and did ask me later at a meeting how it went. He has not done his yet and I think he was just looking for a positive reading on how it went. I shared with him, nothing personal, but enough that I hope I helped him get over some of his fear.

I think if I walked into a meeting and another mentioned to me about the progress they have herad from my sponsor on any of my step work I would be upset. I confide in my sponsor and I trust her. Trust has been a very big issue for me and I think if this happened it may be hard for me to get past.
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Old 08-07-2013, 02:05 AM
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It wasn't a breach of anonymity, but the original poster described it as a "breach (breaking) of confidence". There's a big difference and I would, too, be a little annoyed. AA'ers are not only alcoholics with all the character defects that go with that, but unfortunately AA-ers do exactly what normal people do in organizations and clubs. They socialize and sometimes talk about other people.
I think the talk was harmless and sounded positive, but I don't think your sponsor has the right to talk to anyone about your progress and step work.

I would tell her so. It might be a good time to clarify who she is going to discuss you and your step work with. My sponsor informed me in the beginning that she would be discussing me and my step work, for advice and direction, with her own sponsor and if that was okay with me. It was, and it felt interesting knowing that occasionally there was not one but two people trying to drag me into the lifeboat.
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Old 08-07-2013, 02:17 AM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
My sponsor informed me in the beginning that she would be discussing me and my step work, for advice and direction, with her own sponsor and if that was okay with me. It was, and it felt interesting knowing that occasionally there was not one but two people trying to drag me into the lifeboat.
I agree here. If my sponsor asked me before hand if it is okay that she look for direction from her sponsor then I would have no issue. I still would not want her sponsor walking up to me and saying anything. I would feel uncomfortable. Why? I am not sure and maybe that is something I need to look at. I should be open to all teachers if I am willing but...It still would bother me.

I guess it depends on what was discussed. If it was in a general way, then okay but if she mentioned or exposed specific items I told her then I would be crushed.
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Old 08-07-2013, 04:23 AM
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In my home group that would have been considered not only a breach of confidence, but a breach of anonymity. We were expected to not even "call anyone out" by mentioning we saw them at a particular meeting or anything they shared in meeting...with their name attached. We could talk about hearing a share on a topic, but not who shared it.

That was how our group conscience rolled.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
That's not breaking anonymity. Breaking anonymity would be your sponsor telling someone OUTSIDE AA.
That's interesting NYCDoglvr.

The equivalent of 4th stepping for me is confession to a priest. I am glad that in my context the priest would not even mention to anyone I had been to confession, even to people of the same church. And my priest could not identify me (either explicitly or implicitly) to anyone else, even for advice. Of course people may see me go to confession, but I know that I can go and see him at any time in total confidence, even confidence about whether I've gone to confession (of course we also have the option of going to a priest we don't know and who can't see us if that is what we wish - it's the highest degree of anonymity possible, though I usually prefer face to face).

I am grateful to have access to such a high respect for anonymity. I too would worry about Sally's situation - whoever that person spoke to about Sally must also, on reflection, wonder what might be being said about him or her.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:20 AM
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Thumbs up

Sponsors as so happy when their sponsees show
their honest willingness to work the steps with them
and place their trust in them. A successful sponsor knows
how to work a good program and only wants to guide
the sponsees in the right direction and teach them
rights and wrongs of sponsorship.

If she is please with you and other newcomers are
looking for a good sponsor, with her sharing her
experience with them about her former
or present sponsees and her successes with them,
then the newcomer can feel comfortable asking her
to be their sponsor too.

We lead with examples and experience to become
role models in recovery for the newcomers.

She must feel very proud of you and the progression
you have made in doing your own step work. Learn
from her so that you can be a good, honest, senere,
compassionate, caring, trusting sponsor to someone
down the road. Even here in Sober Recovery.
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:48 AM
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Good thread, I'm a beginner but I'm already pretty sure I won't get a Sponsor any time soon.

I feel confident enough in my abilities and sincerity to the mission of recovery to do the steps initially by myself, without adding any potential worry of an ex-alcoholic gossip being involved in the various facts and history of my life. It's human nature to gossip and AA can't really change that.

I felt strange when I went to a second "home" meeting and saw someone that I knew slightly, but who knows my name, contact info, etc., so in essence my anonymity was busted pretty early in AA. That may be one of the reasons why I'm cautious about having a Sponsor.

In any event, I'm happy to proceed as I have been.

Cheers to sobriety!
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Old 08-07-2013, 06:56 AM
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When I first started working with my sponsor, she told me that she would never reveal my secrets, but if asked how I was doing, would say something general like, "working on this, doing great" and checked if that was ok with me. It is for me. I am proud when she can brag on me. It is her experience too. I don't know how I would feel though if that expectation hadn't been set up front, I would feel like it was gossip.

I say talk to her about it, set the expectation. She is a person.
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Old 08-07-2013, 08:18 AM
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I am a big believer in anonymity - as one of my past post has shown - and I think you definitely should at the least, telll your sponsor your disaproval of your 4th step being shared with others.

Before doing so, I recomend you consider a few things regarding your question:
- Why does this bother you?
- Did your sponsor share your private info with the other person... Or was it just the fact that you completed your 4th step?
- who did your sponsor tell it to?
--> was it a newcomer who may benefit from knowing another person is going tru the steps like them?
--> was it someone like a group leader or a person whose been a big part of your sponsos sobriety?

I feel your concern, and I would be asking the same question you are also...Speak with your sponsor but remember this: You reached out to your sponsor for help. You saw something in them you liked. A sponsor is there to help you not hurt you.
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