Trying so hard but I'm not working a good program
 

I call my sponsor everyday without fail. I went to 9 meetings this week. Usually I go to 3 to 4 meetings a week. I called 4 people today. I'm having thoughts of drinking to escape because I am bipolar and depressed and anxious right now. I've done everything possible gone to a meeting and talked to people. I just want to hide under the covers so depressed. I was doing so well a month ago. I just want to not feel like drinking again. I hesitate to reach out to my sponsor because I don't want her to think I am working a bad program. I meet with her once a week and go through the steps. I think I am going to give my sponsor a call right now.

I called my sponsor and left her a message.

Anoronha, are you getting outside help for your bipolar? I'm assuming you're seeing a doctor/therapist, maybe reach out to them too if you haven't already?

Don't worry about thinking you are working a bad program, sure you're not, talk it through with your sponsor.

Hi Anoronha, I just posted in your thread in the 'Mental Health' section. I too have bipolar and am a recovering alcoholic.

I read in your other thread that your Dr. stopped one of your medications a month ago. A month ago is when you were doing so well.

Like I said in my other post to you, there's no shame in having to take medications for a real medical condition. :) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

If a diabetic was having trouble with blood sugar issues no one would tell them there weren't working a good program. It's no different.

I think I read you have 4 months? That's great!
You don't want to drink and deeply regret it. Hang on, keep posting, talk with your sponsor and please call your Dr.

I was told that if I feel like drinking I should raise my hand when the chair person asks if anyone is thinking of a drink. This is considered working the program because I am reaching out for help.

How's your meditation going? It took me a while to get the hang of it and I still have a struggle.

Are you reaching out to a newcomer? Talking with people who are also working on their sobriety? Getting out of my self keeps me going when things get rough on my end.

I have to get out of my own way!

good to see ya calin people and goin to meetings.

is part of everything prayin and meditating?

bend yer knees before ya bend yer elbow and if necessary, stay there till and keep talkin to yer HP.

Hi Anoronha -

I'm sorry you're struggling right now. You've had a lot going on lately (new job, getting sober, changing meds, etc.)..... it seems to me you're doing better than you think you are.:) It really does take time for things to level out, at least it did for me.

Have you taken a look at PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome)?
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober?

It can also help to have a pleasant (and mindless) distraction. I took up knitting a few months into sobriety and found it to be quite relaxing. Hang in there - it really does get better!

I didn't know all of this no one asks where I live these questions. I only heard it at one meeting and I didn't feel like drinking at the time.

Thanks for the article very useful. Im calling my doctor this morning and I go to work in an hour and a half. I slept really badly last night. I work 8 hours today im glad for this something to keep my mind occupied and out of my head.

I pray for others try to everyday and ask my higher power to help me be the best me I can possibly be today and be of service to others.

Not nearly as enough as I can do but I do talk to someone I don't know very well try to everyday. My sponsor has me calling 3 people everyday one I don't know.

I think you are doing a great job at working the program. Just because you have thoughts of drinking does not mean you are doing something wrong!! You're an alcoholic...that's what alcoholics do...drink! Give yourself a break and stop beating on yourself...that adds to the misery when you do that. I have over 18 yrs sober and clean and there are moments in my recovery I wanted to drink. My suggestion is to get your meds straightened out and stay on them, journal and get your feelings out on paper, and continue doing what you are doing, your meetings, etc. In the beginning I used to call my sponsor sometimes 3 times a day!!! You are not unique in recovery. It's great that you share and reach out for help. When we do that we find that others have or have had the same experiences we are going through and they can share their experience, strength and hope.