thotful

There are a few members of my family and my best friend that try to argue with me about my drinking problem. They say:

"you don't have one", "you're not a heavy drinker", "you've got a job, home, spouse," - what gives? Yeah, you drank quite a bit in college and grad school and had a few run-ins with consequences, but you survived, and learned your lessons - You're not drinking everyday - what's the big deal?

There are others that are more supportive of me being clean and sober (I also have an addiction to porn) - several siblings and their wives and my own wife (even though she doesn't like me saying I'm an alcoholic).

How do I deal with this? Do I just stop talking about my sobriety with unsupportive people? Like how I avoid discussions with my mother about politics because we are such polar opposites that our conversations go nowhere. I'd love for some support and understanding, but if all I get is an argument - should I bother?

Carlotta

Yes as far as support and understanding goes, this is what SR is for and if you need some in real life too, I would advise you to start attending AA or SMART or another face to face support group.
Only an alcoholic can understand another and only a recovering alcoholic knows the difficulties and potential pitfalls on the road to recovery.
I have a very good friend of mine who is a monarchist, I am way on the left...we never discuss politics. My best friend is an active alcoholic. He knows I am in recovery and if he ever wants to quit I am there and can help but I do not discuss my recovery with him. He is not one of those trying to sabotage sobriety but if he was, I would put my foot down and tell him firmly: my sobriety is not negotiable and this conversation is over then I would move on to a different subject.

EndGameNYC

A lot of people in our lives never look behind the curtain to see what's really going on. Many are simply in denial and/or cannot accept that we have a serious problem that carries tremendous social stigma and that clashes with their ideas around morality. It's often as difficult to convince others as it is to convince ourselves. Best thing to do is stop trying.

As Carlotta suggested, get help and support from people who know what they're doing or who have gone through the same thing.

TorontoGuy28

Avoiding these types of people is best for the first 6 months of sobriety at least..

My family and true friends (not drinking buddies), did not ask why I decided to quit...

I too still have everything together, including a wife, very successful career and all the materialistic benefits that come with it... Eventually, I do not doubt I would lose it all... Alcoholism is progressive, that is a FACT.

All the best..

karate

I never really discussed it with anyone for an opinion .

If its causing you a problem ,thats the issue here -imo

But feel free to discuss it with us , thats why we are all here .

thotful

I'm also attending Al-Anon because of my father's alcoholism. I once read that if I "constantly sought approval and affirmation" then my life may have been affected by someone else's drinking. It is a serious concern of mine - am I slipping down that road? If so, I'd like to avoid it. I don't want other people's opinion of me affecting how I feel about myself. I don't want to give my power away. Certainly, I don't think the HP is expressed through those people who are far more interested in judging me than being supportive. I'm hearing what you're saying karate - seeking out opinions might be my issue.

artsoul

A lot of people still think in terms of stereotypes..... one can't be an alcohol if they go work, live in a house, or bathe......(!). Maybe they're just trying to reassure you by saying "ah, it's not that bad.... you're not one of 'those" alcoholics."

The truth is, the skid row bum is a very small percentage of alcoholics but it's hard to explain addiction to people who haven't experienced it.

Ironman9292

This is another major issue that I have discovered as well. I have 2 alcoholic brothers and a sister that is addicted to pills. They all love to kick each other or myself when down. This makes it even more difficult for me. I used to have friends that always said "come on man its not that bad, just look at your achievements" I find it very comforting that these wonderful friends of mine were nowhere to be found when the bottom fell out of my life and I lost it all. I had a very difficult decision to make, but I cut loose all those negative people siblings included. Im simply not strong enough yet to deal with their negativity and my addiction at the same time. Since that time im on day 8, way further than I have been since 2010. Anyway, I hope my rambling helps! best of luck!

Dee74

I come to places like SR for support and understanding.

It works

D

EndGameNYC

As much as many of us are fond of denying it, we do tend to take other people's opinion to heart, particularly when it's someone we respect or care for. It's very common and is a simple expression of another aspect of our humanity.

As is true of most things, when we take this to an extreme, we usually suffer. I'm sure there are some people who are naturally gifted in terms of self-efficacy, but learning to generate our own sense of validation and self-esteem seems to be something we learn through practice, experience and self-reflection.

It can be learned, though not likely be taught.

zjw

Your drinking problem is Your drinking problem. No on elses. If you say you had one then you had one. It may or may not be best to bring it up with some folks. I think the situation with your wife not liking you refer to yourself as an alcoholic is a bit of a tricky one. That would bother me a little I Suppose. but "alcoholic" is a lot of things. Yes its a label. It can be a wound, It can be a scar, It can be something to be proud of and a badge of honor. It can be a way of showing your humility and a way of swallowing your pride.

Being an alcoholic is a LOT of different things to ME I'm the one that is one. Others that are one also understand. But those who are not dont get it.

I had to deal with that hard myself 1 year came and no one congratulated me. Thats why i came here to begin with. My 1 year anniversary honestly was really depressing till ic ame here and bunch of total strangers cheered me on. They talked me into going to AA and a bunch of strangers there cheered me on.

Its just another day to everyone else. But to us its a big deal. We get it.

But keep in mind Your drinking problem is Your drinking problem. You cant put it on them but seeking there aproval or opinions etc.. its yours and yours alone first be ok with that first and foremost.

DoubleBarrel

We tend to hide how much we drink. Mostly no one else sees the shaking, the drinking way into the night, the vomiting, all the horrible things we hide.

Then we wonder why people didn't really notice how bad our problem was.

Hell, my own WIFE never realized I was addicted to opiates, or dependent on alcohol until I went into withdrawals.

Do what's best for you. I don't even talk about it with my extended family. They are a pretty enabling, dysfunctional group anyhow.

Like Dee said, this place is good for support.

MattM316

I think you need to accept that it's just yourself that you need, or at least people who have been through or are going through the same thing.

And I don't mean people who have been through it and have this slightly glazed over look in their eyes like they've just been drinking at Jim Jones' campsite, but people who are just your average person who don't want to preach at you or get you to join any kind of organization, but just want to help.

Getting people close to you involved just means there are more people you can potentially let down and if anything it puts more pressure on yourself because you end up feeling that you've let people down if things don't work out soon.