Elisabeth888

I know I am being selfish, but I don't care actually. My needs are not being met. On ANY front. And I am sick of it. I don't know how to discuss it with my husband. I am putting this here because I want a man's point of view also.

I have been married for 11 years, sober for just over 9 months.

I am starting to notice other men in AA and they me. I am messaging back and forth with a couple of them on FB also, just conversationally. But I know it is not right because I am enjoying the male attention as I tend to do.

Anyone flirt at AA? I am going to my therapist tomorrow to discuss this stuff, I already dropped this on my sponsor. She is glad I am going to the therapist

Geeze, if I am not obsessing over alcohol, shopping to much, or buying scratch offs- I am now lusting after men. I am so EFFED UP!!!!

zjw

yeah I dont obsess over alcohol not I got through running shoes like water and eat so healthy people think i'm a wierdo. I think i'm just an obessive compulisive person it was booze one day now its this stuff what'll it be next? In my case i'm like well at least i'm not drinking.

I sobered up and got how should i put it less emotional with my wife. and i'm more direct and to the point I dont do well with the typical cat mouse games men and women will play I find that crap a waste. IE "if you loved me you'd put those dishes away" I find that sort of stuff very angering if you want the dishes put away dont pull that cutsie nonsense on me! Ive grown colder I suppose.

maybe your not as much fun or your personality has changed some since you sobered up. My wife complains i'm not the same person i used to be. She's probably right. I'm more intense more serious more direct and not so happy go lucky stuff actually bothers me now and I lash out before I used to just get drunk instead.

I'm coming around tho the edges are smoothing over but i'm still a very different person.

You shouldnt be going for the attention like you are. I worry my wife would do the same as I know I dont pay attention to her like I once did or like I should. I dont love her any less at all. I just have a hard time going through the emotional back and forth stuff when your inlove with someone. She calls me her roommate thats how bad its gotten. Theres not a lot of passion anymore. I dont love her any less I guess all the emotional stuff just kinda is too much for me.

I dunno if i helped you at all but maybe it gives you something to ponder? Perhaps your much different? Does he drink? Part of my issue too is I was told no in the bedroom so many times for so many years that I think I resnet her and am angry about it. Now i dont bother with it anymore she thinks i'm not interested its not that I"m just tired and dont feel like playing anymore. I wish someone would show some stinking interest in me! never happens tho not even outside of the home lol.

ImReadyToQuit

Seems to me that you have a problem with being selfish and self centered (which I suffer from as well).. It's pretty typical of alcoholics. I'm by no way trying to judge you or your life, but from the little that you said, that's the way it seems to me. Perhaps you should focus on other people's needs rather than your own for a while. Congrats on the 9 months

Itchy

Glad you are trying to make some sense of it. You have more options than not talking to him and sleeping out. Think of it this way. Would you prefer he tell you he was unhappy in your marriage before he slept around? I believe, and told my Significant Harassment (wife) a long time ago that I once thought to cheat, and then realized all the wonderful things she had done had earned the minimum of respect that I divorce her before I touch another. My issues aren't justification for making a fool of her. This had nothing to do with vows. For better and worse things she had done, and I had too, she had earned that small token of respect.

You can suggest marriage counseling as, trust me, if you feel it he does too. Blame is immaterial until you understand each other's issues. If you truly don't care, and he has been a good guy, then perhaps you can consider being single first.

I gave the marriage counseling ultimatum a year after I quit. We went, and things are back on track. We have our ups and downs, together.

DoubleBarrel

I don't honestly know if its self centered.

I have a similar issue, and its partly my fault, but when you really do change, things look different.

Not sure what that means, but I do see why many folks recommend not getting into relationships when newly sober.

The problem is what to do when you are already in one.

Certainly, what worked for me, or what I was willing to tolerate and what I liked/was looking for, is DIFFERENT now that Im sober.

Not sure if thats helpful, but I understand.

GroundhogDay

No more discontent than usual.

Jeni26

Hi Elizabeth.

No, I haven't flirted in AA, but I do see it happen a lot, and I've had a few 'opportunities' and if I'd wanted to respond I could have.
Please be very wary of getting more involved in this, it is a complete distraction from what you should be listening to in meetings, and what you could be learning. Have you discussed it with your sponsor?

Aside from your marriage problems, this is potentially really damaging to your sobriety. 9 months is a good stretch of sober time, look after it x

karate

Okay -here goes

You were drunk for 90% of the time you were married ,and now you are sober and everyone should now "change " themselves .??

I would highly reccomend reading the part to the family in the big book -Very helpful .

The idea of cheating on your husband is a poor idea -imo .

None of this is intended to mean ,im better than you are ,and its not intented to be hateful .

zjw

karate, I agree with you. Marriage aside I've delt with relational issues a lot since i got sober. Lost a lot of friends created a lot of waves. Either fairly or unfairly. TO your point your right people shouldnt just all the sudden change becuase I have. But In my case rather then remaining tolerant by consuming booze to put up with peoples nonsense and look the other way I sobered up and started kicken heads *sigh* Didnt take nothing from anyone anymore this scared the world. It was like i woke up rubbed sand out of my eyes and started screaming at everyone for how they where treating me or had treated me.

People do take advantage when your mr nice guy. In my case I was just tolerant of everyone because rather then confront them i'd just wonder home and get drunk it was just easier.

But I do see your point and agree.

BoxinRotz

I'm not a man but I have to ask, if your husband was the drunk and you had put up with all the behavior for 10+ years and he got sober for 9 months and did this, how would you feel after all you'd been through with him?

I think, and it's just my opinion, that if you give in to any one of these men who pay you a night in the sack, that's all it will be. Then you'll be left with the fall out and guilt and be pretty upset with yourself, the guy and then what? Could you go back to AA and look at the dude? I wouldn't even be surprised if he did go ahead and told the others in AA he shagged you. Maybe they have bets going on on who can get ya first? It's not so far fetched in life that you could be being played. My AH works in a prison and he, along with everyone else knows who the whores are and who slept with who.

I'm just sayin...

Carlotta

I am happily single and I do not flirt in AA. I have lived with an alcoholic before which is what got me into Al Anon and it was pure hell NEVER AGAIN. There is room for only one alkie in my household.. me.
I am not sure how appropriate it is for those men to be flirting with a married woman who has less than a year of sobriety. Seems like 13 stepping and not very healthy behavior from them. Something a creepy predator would do.
Anyway, I am glad you are seeking outside help.

Happier

I am pretty sure that almost every couple feels some level of discontentment at some time assuming they stay married long enough. Growing and making it through such times may be part of what strengthens a relationship in the long run.

I am sorry but I do not think the question at hand has to do with being a man, a woman, sober, or addicted. It simply is not ok to flirt or have emotionally charged social media chats when one is married. It does indeed happen a lot but that does not make it right. As tempting as it is, I do not think those activities can lead to peace and contentment.....which in turn, would seem to make sobriety a challenge. I do think being in relatively early recover is a factor though in that it may warrant extra caution before making significant relationship decisions.

Sorry if this sounds blunt or offensive. That is not my intent. Such serious questions though do warrant thoughtful and honest responses.

I hope you find your way through these challenges and come out stronger in the end.

karate

I might add as well ,adding in the stress of an affair ,might drive you to drinking .?

Kind of the point of the steps ,if i understand is to clear the baggage to allow you to remain sober .

I did not work the steps ,But understand the concept and its a good one -imo .

gravity

In my ex wife's case, living with an alcoholic resulted in HUGE resentment. Simply sobering up doesn't magically erase all those years of hurt and disrespect. My wife and I divorced even after I had been sober for 2 years. Hope you have better luck.

ReadyAtLast

Hi Elizabeth

My marriage has changed since I got sober-or rather I've changed and I'm seeing things with different eyes. still figuring things out though,we've moved recently,changed jobs and gone through many changes so I'm not sure what is drink related and what is not

I feel more confident and know I look better since getting sober and have had men flirt with me. It's flattering as not happened for ages, maybe a little tempting but I would not take it further.

IMO you're playing a very dangerous game flirting with people at AA.
- Just a mild flirtation face to face can easily be misconstrued by the other party, especially in recovery where people can be extremely vulnerable and needy. However, for someone with low self esteem in early recovery a bit of flirting can easily be misconstrued
- taking it to the next level messaging and FB is imo pretty dangerous and asking for trouble. How would you feel if your husband was texting women he'd just met who you didn't know.
- Does your husband know youare texting other men? Is he ok with this. He may well leave you when (not if ) he finds out and then the decision as to what to do in your marriage has been made for you.
- Even if your intentions are not to take this further the other man/men may well have very different ideas
- For you and for them, this may well be replacing alcohol with another addiction
-As Jeni says, it's taking your focus off the real reason for you being in AA
- ALso, whether I was single or not I could think of nothing worse than begiining a relationship with a recovering alcoholic

Maybe concentrate your resources on working on your marriage and your sobriety of course.

ReadyAtLast

too late for me to edit but just had another thought.Please be very careful.PMs and FB messages can all be saved and can be used against you at a later date.

I do tend to over analyze things but these things can and do happen

GracieLou

I found while doing my fifth step that I had a habit of jumping relationships. As soon as one was going bad I jumped the train to another. Not only did I not complete the first, I took all the baggage with me to the second, rinse and repeat. I hurt a lot of people.

I also found I had no boundaries or they were very small. I think we all want attention and especially so from the opposite sex but with no boundaries in place I walked right off the edge. I was selfish and self seeking. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it now.

RobbyRobot

You know, being sick of your needs not being met is a healthy enough response and indicates a willingness to want a better life for yourself. That's a good thing.

Not knowing how to talk with your husband about these kind of things is also something which shows you want better communication for the two of you since you still have an open mind to wanting male attention when you can't for whatever reasons receive same from your husband.

As a man, I would be concerned that my woman was feeling lost with me and found herself responding to other men's attentions. Not that jealousy would be in play so much, more like it would cause me to either want to become happily intimate again, or else for me to see the writing on the wall for the distance between me and her.

Also as a man, it would be noticeable for me anyways, that all was not well in my relationship with my wife of 11 years if she was unhappy with me in her nine months of sobriety, unless I was as dense as a rock, or worse, I didn't care either way.

I don't know you or your husband of course, but since you're also wanting men's points of view, I suggest you and your husband begin to communicate with each other about being satisfied with honest needs and desires within a healthy relationship.

I think you've begun the right process in speaking about this in a thread, and the same kind of process can begin with your husband, and such openness is absolutely required between husband and wife for a relationship to be worthwhile and satisfying physically, emotionally, and socially. You owe it to yourself and your husband to either begin to heal with each other or begin to come to some agreements on the damage done. Seeking flirting opportunities is not the best answer in an unhappy marriage no matter the justifications or history between the husband and wife.

I hope this thread helps you come to better realizations. Awesome going on being nine months, Elisabeth!

caboblanco

I'd go to a different meeting if all these men don't stop themselves from flirting with a married women. I think AA is half recovery and half a psycho dating social. Just one of the reasons I don't go anymore

aasharon90

I like many others in recovery have
done the same thing. However, thru
living a program of recovery each
day, doing the next right thing all
to the best of my sober ability, tapping
into the Catholic teachings, upbringing,
morals and values, I realized that if
I couldn't be honest, totally honest
to not want to hurt another, then
it was up to me to seek a better, healthier
solution to my own marital situation.

In my 25 yrs marriage, and 22yrs.
sobriety, I was extremely unhappy.
Unhappy because I was in recovery
where as the rest of the family didn't
see any need for recovery themselves
as they were not the sick ones with
addiction.

Lack of communication and understanding
were much of the problem in my marriage
and thus I seeked to find what I needed
amongst my fellow program members.

Eventually, thru much prayer and program
teachings, my prayers were answersed. My
marriage ended calmly and I returned to
my hometown where I always wanted to
be.

Honestly, completely honest in all my
affairs unlocked the door to a new freedom
in recovery and life that I had never known
and today Im enjoying those rewards and
promises offered to us simply by living
a program of recovery each day all to the
best of my ability.