Alcoholism and my best friend's wife
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 12
Alcoholism and my best friend's wife
It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here. I'm doing very well as I haven't drank in 9 months and I'm feeling great. I've gotten in better shape and I've gained some self respect as well. The problem that I had with alcohol seems to be shrinking in the distance!
I come to you now with a problem that I don't know how to deal with. I've searched online and can't seem to find anyone else that's written about something similar. I often hang out with my best friend, practically my brother, and his wife on the weekends while they drink beer and I drink soda. I don't have a problem being around the drinking. My problem is that I'm concerned for my best friend's wife. As my buddy gets drunk he starts to get mean to her calling her names and on one occasion he through a beer bottle in her direction. When he acts out I make sure to say something, but still I feel that it's not enough. Tonight he got super jealous, I'm pretty sure, of me because his wife and I were having a conversation about a band she likes. He made it seem like he was jealous about the band, but I'm no fool. He was making the night awkward ignoring her and playing mind games and eventually our old friend we hadn't seen in a while who had come over to catch up, he said, "I think it's time I call it a night," then he left and I wouldn't be surprised if we never see him again. When he left the smile my friend's wife had been fighting to maintain disappeared and all that was left was sadness mixed with anger.
I'm conflicted because really my friend's relationship is none of my business, but I'm genuinely concerned for his wife. He's clearly abusive verbally and I'm afraid he could potentially be physically abusive behind closed doors. I've thought about reaching out to her and offer support but as I said before he's a jealous guy so talking to his wife behind his back sounds like bad idea. The worst part of it all is that she has no friends that live nearby because he dragged her 200 miles away from her home town. She's all alone so I'm the closest thing to a friend that she has.
One night my friend was having drinks and I thought that I'd give in and have one beer. I asked for one and my "friend" handed me the beer with no hesitation while his wife told me not to drink and to stay strong. Thanks to his wife I gave the beer back. She helped me so now I feel I should help her... But how?
I come to you now with a problem that I don't know how to deal with. I've searched online and can't seem to find anyone else that's written about something similar. I often hang out with my best friend, practically my brother, and his wife on the weekends while they drink beer and I drink soda. I don't have a problem being around the drinking. My problem is that I'm concerned for my best friend's wife. As my buddy gets drunk he starts to get mean to her calling her names and on one occasion he through a beer bottle in her direction. When he acts out I make sure to say something, but still I feel that it's not enough. Tonight he got super jealous, I'm pretty sure, of me because his wife and I were having a conversation about a band she likes. He made it seem like he was jealous about the band, but I'm no fool. He was making the night awkward ignoring her and playing mind games and eventually our old friend we hadn't seen in a while who had come over to catch up, he said, "I think it's time I call it a night," then he left and I wouldn't be surprised if we never see him again. When he left the smile my friend's wife had been fighting to maintain disappeared and all that was left was sadness mixed with anger.
I'm conflicted because really my friend's relationship is none of my business, but I'm genuinely concerned for his wife. He's clearly abusive verbally and I'm afraid he could potentially be physically abusive behind closed doors. I've thought about reaching out to her and offer support but as I said before he's a jealous guy so talking to his wife behind his back sounds like bad idea. The worst part of it all is that she has no friends that live nearby because he dragged her 200 miles away from her home town. She's all alone so I'm the closest thing to a friend that she has.
One night my friend was having drinks and I thought that I'd give in and have one beer. I asked for one and my "friend" handed me the beer with no hesitation while his wife told me not to drink and to stay strong. Thanks to his wife I gave the beer back. She helped me so now I feel I should help her... But how?
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
Oh, tough one jskool, anything you do would be seen as interference. My ex husband sounds very like your friend, it was more verbal, psychological. I made it clear right at the start of the relationship that any man laid a hand on me I was off, so it never got physical, he was too clever for that. In his case it was down to insecurity, by trying to keep me feeling bad about myself, I would be less likely to leave him for someone else. It sounds similar here, especially moving so far from her support group. Ironically it was his drinking which caused me to go. I feel your friend is hiding from his lack of self belief in drink, but when drunk, they surface and cause the abuse. Do you ever spend quality time around him/ them sober? Perhaps your friend would benefit from spending time doing sober stuff and being told he's a great guy sober. As for his wife, do you ( please be honest) have feelings for her other than innocent concern? This may be what you friend is picking up on. or he may just hate seeing you treating her the way he knows he ought to.
I feel I can only advise approaching the situation from the angle of helping your friend to be a better man, and being a friend to his wife if she asks for help.
I feel I can only advise approaching the situation from the angle of helping your friend to be a better man, and being a friend to his wife if she asks for help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
My partner often makes me the butt of his jokes.
Everyone laughing at my expense.
I used to let it go, but then challenge him later about it, saying I was not happy. But he would deny or knowledge of him doing that.
Now if it happens I deal with it then and there.
I might say 'don't talk to me like that' or 'could you repeat what you said because I am offended and want to check I heard right?'
I think you could do 2 things.
1. When you friend is rude to his wife, tell him in a non- confrontational way that the remarks are not funny and they are unkind. That will make him look a bit daft in front of all your friends. Might make him realise that his behaviour is not funny or impressing anyone.
2. Try and find a quiet moment and say you have noticed his behaviour, you don't like it but you are not judging and ask if she is okay or needs to talk.
I wish you the best and I think you should be very proud of yourself for noticing this horrid behaviour. Its not nice and I am ure she will be happy that you care about her.
xx
Everyone laughing at my expense.
I used to let it go, but then challenge him later about it, saying I was not happy. But he would deny or knowledge of him doing that.
Now if it happens I deal with it then and there.
I might say 'don't talk to me like that' or 'could you repeat what you said because I am offended and want to check I heard right?'
I think you could do 2 things.
1. When you friend is rude to his wife, tell him in a non- confrontational way that the remarks are not funny and they are unkind. That will make him look a bit daft in front of all your friends. Might make him realise that his behaviour is not funny or impressing anyone.
2. Try and find a quiet moment and say you have noticed his behaviour, you don't like it but you are not judging and ask if she is okay or needs to talk.
I wish you the best and I think you should be very proud of yourself for noticing this horrid behaviour. Its not nice and I am ure she will be happy that you care about her.
xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,462
That is a tough situation, jskool. Maybe you could say something to your friend sometime when he is sober? Even if you just mention it casually to him and see how he reacts.
My ex-husband treated me a lot like that and he had a bunch of really good friends who I know noticed it. One in particular would call him out on it, and while it didnt' make a huge difference (obviously since we are divorced), I do know that he listened and it got him thinking.
Congratulations on your sober time!
My ex-husband treated me a lot like that and he had a bunch of really good friends who I know noticed it. One in particular would call him out on it, and while it didnt' make a huge difference (obviously since we are divorced), I do know that he listened and it got him thinking.
Congratulations on your sober time!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I suppose it's a small risk but maybe you could exchange some kind of texting with her that your friend won't have access to. Maybe at her job or phone as long as she makes sure to delete the messages after. Ask her all of your concerns and see what she says.
If it is an abusive situation for her she really probably needs to leave. Of course that is another huge discussion in itself. For starters though I would try to contact her somehow and let her know she is not alone.
If it is an abusive situation for her she really probably needs to leave. Of course that is another huge discussion in itself. For starters though I would try to contact her somehow and let her know she is not alone.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I would be cautious about texting her privately as this may add fuel to the fire, enrage him and potentially put her in danger
I agree calling him out next time her does it or speak with him privately when he is sober. If you are close and he respects you he should listen
If he dismisses your concerns you need to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is so abusive to his wife. I could not like or respect someone, nor be around someone who did that
I agree calling him out next time her does it or speak with him privately when he is sober. If you are close and he respects you he should listen
If he dismisses your concerns you need to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is so abusive to his wife. I could not like or respect someone, nor be around someone who did that
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Ugh, your whole post scares me because it's a potential disaster waiting to happen no matter how you slice it.
1. If your description of what's going on covers it entirely he is obviously an abusive person, probably physically as well as emotionally. He might have not yet reached the physical stage but if he threw a bottle at her he's certainly creeping in that direction. His "dragging" her 200 miles from her hometown was partly (if not wholly) intentional. A textbook abuser will isolate their victim from their entire support system. It starts by isolating them and then they do things that each time, get worse, becoming remorseful and apologetic the next day about it. Eventually, they no longer show remorse or apologize, instead training the abused person to believe that it was their fault that they acted in the manner that they did. Sadly, the abused person will come to believe it. They train the abused person to believe that no one cares about them and they make them completely and solely reliant. How do I know this so well? I've lived it. People will question how a person can put up with or live with a person who is like this. Believe me, the abusive person doesn't do the things that they do overnight. It's a training period, and it's sick. They use the emotions of the person that they're abusing a bit at a time. It's a disgusting process. Training a person to become subservient and to accept abuse and to become blind is a process. Abusers know it well.
2. I'm going to take a stab in the dark but your post hints to the fact that you've developed feelings for this girl. Or, you at least care. Tread lightly, where you want to help her you need to draw a line so that you're not misunderstood. She will see you as her white knight, coming to save her. This is where the train wreck begins. I can speak to this too as I have also lived it.
You state that this person is almost like a brother to you. The best thing that you can do is to talk to him when he's sober. Choose your words carefully because most abusers are insanely jealous and will misconstrue your words as having feelings for his woman.
I hate to say it but the only way out of this for her is for her to leave. No matter what you say or her actions if he is a true abuser he will continue to do what he does to her and nothing that anyone says is going to stop him unless he gets help. Do you think that he'll do that?
1. If your description of what's going on covers it entirely he is obviously an abusive person, probably physically as well as emotionally. He might have not yet reached the physical stage but if he threw a bottle at her he's certainly creeping in that direction. His "dragging" her 200 miles from her hometown was partly (if not wholly) intentional. A textbook abuser will isolate their victim from their entire support system. It starts by isolating them and then they do things that each time, get worse, becoming remorseful and apologetic the next day about it. Eventually, they no longer show remorse or apologize, instead training the abused person to believe that it was their fault that they acted in the manner that they did. Sadly, the abused person will come to believe it. They train the abused person to believe that no one cares about them and they make them completely and solely reliant. How do I know this so well? I've lived it. People will question how a person can put up with or live with a person who is like this. Believe me, the abusive person doesn't do the things that they do overnight. It's a training period, and it's sick. They use the emotions of the person that they're abusing a bit at a time. It's a disgusting process. Training a person to become subservient and to accept abuse and to become blind is a process. Abusers know it well.
2. I'm going to take a stab in the dark but your post hints to the fact that you've developed feelings for this girl. Or, you at least care. Tread lightly, where you want to help her you need to draw a line so that you're not misunderstood. She will see you as her white knight, coming to save her. This is where the train wreck begins. I can speak to this too as I have also lived it.
You state that this person is almost like a brother to you. The best thing that you can do is to talk to him when he's sober. Choose your words carefully because most abusers are insanely jealous and will misconstrue your words as having feelings for his woman.
I hate to say it but the only way out of this for her is for her to leave. No matter what you say or her actions if he is a true abuser he will continue to do what he does to her and nothing that anyone says is going to stop him unless he gets help. Do you think that he'll do that?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
I would be cautious about texting her privately as this may add fuel to the fire, enrage him and potentially put her in danger
I agree calling him out next time her does it or speak with him privately when he is sober. If you are close and he respects you he should listen
If he dismisses your concerns you need to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is so abusive to his wife. I could not like or respect someone, nor be around someone who did that
I agree calling him out next time her does it or speak with him privately when he is sober. If you are close and he respects you he should listen
If he dismisses your concerns you need to ask yourself if you want to be friends with someone who is so abusive to his wife. I could not like or respect someone, nor be around someone who did that
The only thing you can really do is find some way to contact her where he won't find out and ask her what her opinion is. Carefully word your questions. Like, "I noticed you seemed upset the other night, is everything OK? See how she responds. If she puts you off and says everything is fine. Leave it alone.
Other than that you can't really do anything without risking major problems.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I was in a very simlier situation. for a few years I tried to help this couple. as much as i could without getting into there business (tough to do). Things seemed on the up with them then back on the down. It was like a roller coaster. then the women turned on me and my wife. Me and my bud where however still good friends for a year or more. I dunno why she turned on us specificly I could never get an answer from him or her. Eventually it all blew up in my face as I decided I coudlnt tolerate the roller coaster and lack of answers as to why she was so upset with us etc..
I wish I was still friends with this person tho. But I am relieved to not have to see the drama that played out with them. Even tho luckily it wasnt my drama the fact that I"m a careing person it stresed me out watching them have there troubles. I hate seeing people go through rough times.
So my advice would be to help you like but try and keep a safe distance you dont want it bringing you down.
I wish I was still friends with this person tho. But I am relieved to not have to see the drama that played out with them. Even tho luckily it wasnt my drama the fact that I"m a careing person it stresed me out watching them have there troubles. I hate seeing people go through rough times.
So my advice would be to help you like but try and keep a safe distance you dont want it bringing you down.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Sudz No More
The only thing you can really do is find some way to contact her where he won't find out and ask her what her opinion is.
Another thing to worry about. A person who is abused also has a clouded mind. If she's a drinker you also run the risk of her confessing that he discussed his friend's ways with her. She might not name him directly but it will be something along the lines of "You know, you make people uncomfortable when you treat me like that". His reply will be to ask who she means by people. Then the anger will rise.... I don't profess to know how off kilter this guy is but if he needs to he'll strangle the info out of her. She will give it too. Partly because she's scared but partly because there will be a piece of her that will take joy in the fact that this will upset him. Then, jskool will be the a##. He will confront him and they won't be on speaking terms anymore.
Again, I've lived this.
Can you see the catch 22 here? That's why I'm saying that the only way out for her is to leave. I can see nothing good coming from this from any direction that I look at it.
Attempts at doing anything behind this person's back are going to end badly. It's sad, very sad.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by zjw
Things seemed on the up with them then back on the down. It was like a roller coaster. then the women turned on me and my wife.
zjw, if I'm understanding you correctly you were looking out for the woman and she turned on you both?
Sure she did, because that's the sickness and exactly what I meant when I said that jskool would end up looking like the a##.
This is because the abused person is so sick that they are providing the abuser with the info to be a "good dog" and showing their dedication to them. I'm not kidding either. It's just THAT sick.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
I hear ya Lady, I just know that short of doing nothing is well, nothing. So then his best option might be to just stay out of the way. Problem here is, if he thinks he is seeing enough to justify intervention when is her safety called into question? Even if we are only talking "mental" safety that kind of stuff over the long term can be really damaging.
Hard situation for sure
Hard situation for sure
Dismember
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: The Mitten, USA
Posts: 1,641
I would think, and this may not be good advice so... grain of salt, I would try to talk to the wife about this.
My reason is, is that men who are abusive--especially where jealousy is involve--have a tendency to try and isolate their partners socially. You say she's away from her initial "home" and doesn't have a lot of strong support but yourself. I'm not suggesting your friend is going to do something serious, but if she did end up needing to have someone, who else but you?
I think you also should show some cautious restraint about how you speak with her if you think he's got jealous ideas. But I would also throw it out there that if everyone in this situation is essentially playing to your friend's jealousy then his paranoia and abusive/semi-abusive nature runs the show.
My reason is, is that men who are abusive--especially where jealousy is involve--have a tendency to try and isolate their partners socially. You say she's away from her initial "home" and doesn't have a lot of strong support but yourself. I'm not suggesting your friend is going to do something serious, but if she did end up needing to have someone, who else but you?
I think you also should show some cautious restraint about how you speak with her if you think he's got jealous ideas. But I would also throw it out there that if everyone in this situation is essentially playing to your friend's jealousy then his paranoia and abusive/semi-abusive nature runs the show.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I would find a new best friend,and stay away from my old best friend's wife.
Harsh....Maybe,But then I myself have NO desire to get mixed up with drunk people and the things they do anymore.
Just my opinion.... Fred
Harsh....Maybe,But then I myself have NO desire to get mixed up with drunk people and the things they do anymore.
Just my opinion.... Fred
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Originally Posted by Nevertheless
I would find a new best friend,and stay away from my old best friend's wife.
Harsh....Maybe,But then I myself have NO desire to get mixed up with drunk people and the things they do anymore.
Just my opinion.... Fred
Harsh....Maybe,But then I myself have NO desire to get mixed up with drunk people and the things they do anymore.
Just my opinion.... Fred
Unless she is in imminent danger the best course of action might be just removing yourself from the equation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
LadyBlue0527 thanks for your insight. In my case i dont have concrete info on abuse. But i saw how he could speak to her first hand. And She mentioned some of the threats he had made to her likewise he confirmed that he made said threats to me after the fact etc..
So its very possible your right I'd love to bounce some more of hte story off you maybe you could provide me with some more answers or insight into why this whole thing went down the way that it did. In my case I'm bummed I lost a friend But then again if he's being abusive and such perhaps i'm better off. I threw my hands up in the air I couldnt make sense of the situation and in an attempt to protect myself I removed myself from the equation.
So its very possible your right I'd love to bounce some more of hte story off you maybe you could provide me with some more answers or insight into why this whole thing went down the way that it did. In my case I'm bummed I lost a friend But then again if he's being abusive and such perhaps i'm better off. I threw my hands up in the air I couldnt make sense of the situation and in an attempt to protect myself I removed myself from the equation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 12
Thanks everyone! I'm glad all of you understand where I'm coming from. I've been asking myself why I've been friends with this guy so long. Just like every story there's more to be told. My sister once dated the guy and she's told me about the monster behind closed doors. I'll never forget the time that my sister ran down stairs to tell me, "come quick. We were fighting and he dived out the window!" Also the time when my friend lived with me and a mutual buddy came over to plead with him not to "go after his brother." At the time I had no clue what he was talking about, but it turned out that my friend had gotten into a argument with my sister and decided he'd find someone random on the street to beat up. By coincidence it ended up being a good friend's brother so the friend came by to figure out what had happened and plead with my friend to not beat him up again since he had beaten him so badly.
After reading this you may be asking yourself, "why are you friends with this psychopath?" Believe me I'm asking myself the same question. The primary reason I suppose is that I understand his history. He spent his childhood getting raped and beaten by his relatives. He wasn't born a monster. He was created. This is why I've stuck around I guess.
Now back to the current situation, I'm concerned for his wife because I know he's capable of bad things. On their wedding day I had a guilt because I knew then what she was getting into, however there was nothing I could do to stop it. Now I know that his wife needs to take their daughter and get out of there as fast as she can. LadyBlue, thanks for your comments. You asked if he would get help? Absolutely not! He might start a treatment program some time in the future, but only to use it as means to play the victim and abuse his wife psychologically.
What a dilemma! I think I'm going to make an effort to stop being friends with the guy and, as some of you have said, remove myself from the equation. Perhaps if I leave him then so will his wife. One can only hope at this point.
After reading this you may be asking yourself, "why are you friends with this psychopath?" Believe me I'm asking myself the same question. The primary reason I suppose is that I understand his history. He spent his childhood getting raped and beaten by his relatives. He wasn't born a monster. He was created. This is why I've stuck around I guess.
Now back to the current situation, I'm concerned for his wife because I know he's capable of bad things. On their wedding day I had a guilt because I knew then what she was getting into, however there was nothing I could do to stop it. Now I know that his wife needs to take their daughter and get out of there as fast as she can. LadyBlue, thanks for your comments. You asked if he would get help? Absolutely not! He might start a treatment program some time in the future, but only to use it as means to play the victim and abuse his wife psychologically.
What a dilemma! I think I'm going to make an effort to stop being friends with the guy and, as some of you have said, remove myself from the equation. Perhaps if I leave him then so will his wife. One can only hope at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
its so hard to remove yourself. I told my buddy i wanted to take a break and walked away from the friendship. I hate it I feel like I'm letting him down etc.. I also have like no friends too so loosing the one i did have kinda stung. But the situation was too bizzarre. I question in my case who was abusing who even. From what I could gather from him she was no picnic either at times I think they could have just been a very volatile couple and nothing seemed to make things better.
I understand why you stuck around. I stuck around in many relationships for simlier reasons You can see the good there you can understand the situation and have a grasp on the back story etc..
nothing wrong with taking a break you can come back to it maybe. In my case I dunno that I can go back and try and be friends again its been about 6 months now. Tho guys are pretty good about just picking up where they left off friendship wise I dunno if i wanna tango with the saga / drama anymore.
I understand why you stuck around. I stuck around in many relationships for simlier reasons You can see the good there you can understand the situation and have a grasp on the back story etc..
nothing wrong with taking a break you can come back to it maybe. In my case I dunno that I can go back and try and be friends again its been about 6 months now. Tho guys are pretty good about just picking up where they left off friendship wise I dunno if i wanna tango with the saga / drama anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
Shame to have to agree with you JS, better to stay out of the way. If there is some anonymous way you can get his wife help to get out of there than go for it. Otherwise there may not be much you can do right now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
