Its on me, bad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 138
Its on me, bad.
Long history with AA, therapy, rehab, all this, etc blah blah. 50 days sober after giving away 8 months. No biggie, I didn't earn it anyway. First three weeks back I was wanting to die, plotting my overdose, etc. Saw the doctor, new meds and for the last three weeks have been unusually well. Last few days, and especially now I am so wound up and feel exactly like i did before the meds. WTF? I am so effing tired of being good, then not good, then good, then not good. I mean, really? My experience is this: god doesn't work in my life, hasn't. self-talk doesn't work (AV method), nothing seems to work.
Talked with a guy last night who gave away six years and now has two days. He made an interesting point with regard to god and the 3rd step prayer (for all you AAs out there). He said you only do the 3rd step once. Everything that happens after you do your 3rd step, whether it was before a string of relapses, or whatever, is god's plan. If you've turned over your will and life to god then your drinking or not drinking is his will. Thought that was interesting.
When its on me, it feels like rage, and I crave a release, a surge, a spike. Normal people get their spike with a slice of chocolate cake, or controlled drinking, or sex, or their favorite song while they're working on some project in their garage. My brain is so used to having enormous amounts of alcohol or heroin that everything else barely registers or doesn't at all. When it says in the BB that our bodies are as sick as our minds (or something to that effect), I can understand why they would say that. My body is craving alcohol and I haven't had a drink in 50 days. I can feel it, almost like a mild detox- nerves, agitation, restless.
Is there anyone out there with a long history of relapse that can speak to any of this? Is your life just a repeating sequence of Good, Suicide watch, Good, Relapse, Suicide watch, Good, etc....? And if it was like that and isn't now, what happened? How did it change?
Thanks..
Talked with a guy last night who gave away six years and now has two days. He made an interesting point with regard to god and the 3rd step prayer (for all you AAs out there). He said you only do the 3rd step once. Everything that happens after you do your 3rd step, whether it was before a string of relapses, or whatever, is god's plan. If you've turned over your will and life to god then your drinking or not drinking is his will. Thought that was interesting.
When its on me, it feels like rage, and I crave a release, a surge, a spike. Normal people get their spike with a slice of chocolate cake, or controlled drinking, or sex, or their favorite song while they're working on some project in their garage. My brain is so used to having enormous amounts of alcohol or heroin that everything else barely registers or doesn't at all. When it says in the BB that our bodies are as sick as our minds (or something to that effect), I can understand why they would say that. My body is craving alcohol and I haven't had a drink in 50 days. I can feel it, almost like a mild detox- nerves, agitation, restless.
Is there anyone out there with a long history of relapse that can speak to any of this? Is your life just a repeating sequence of Good, Suicide watch, Good, Relapse, Suicide watch, Good, etc....? And if it was like that and isn't now, what happened? How did it change?
Thanks..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi Adillac
Non AA answer
for me I had to change more than just not drinking, or getting high.
I'd been on that cycle for so long that yeah - I kept returning to it...I knew nothing else.
In the end I nearly died tho - literally, not figuratively - and I realised I wanted to do more with my life than what I'd been doing for 20 years.
The more I stayed sober, the more things I faced sober and the more I changed. The more I started to build a life that reflected the new me.
I like who I am now and I love my life. I can't imagine me messing this up and returning to that old life.
this is the real me. That other guy was a distorted echo of me.
D
Non AA answer
for me I had to change more than just not drinking, or getting high.
I'd been on that cycle for so long that yeah - I kept returning to it...I knew nothing else.
In the end I nearly died tho - literally, not figuratively - and I realised I wanted to do more with my life than what I'd been doing for 20 years.
The more I stayed sober, the more things I faced sober and the more I changed. The more I started to build a life that reflected the new me.
I like who I am now and I love my life. I can't imagine me messing this up and returning to that old life.
this is the real me. That other guy was a distorted echo of me.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I never had a relapse in the official sense. Tho over the years when i tried to quit or something after my half a**ed attempt i ended up getting hammered.
I battled the same urges as you day in and day out. I wanted to smash walls i wanted to scream i wanted to rage. I wanted to drive my car off a cliff. I wanted to do a lot of things. it was aweful.
Your in a cycle its like a self destructive one up to down good to bad repeat. The only way out is to make one good choice after another even if you dont want too (cause you probably wont really want too for a while) eventualy the bad stuff fades and the new stuff starts to STICK. At which point your not done yet! you gotta keep doing it and it gets better. Eventualy you only dont wanna make the right choices sometimes instead of like all the time.
I'm 2 years sober now and that worked for me. Someone asked me recently how long till a new habit is sunken in. I said 6 months! they probably didnt like that answer but having given up booze drugs cigarettes started exercising became a friggen vegan etc.. I can now say 6 months.
HOw do you do it? one day at a time. one step at a time. Focus on the small steps not the whole picture. The whole picture is friggen scary. Focus on the steps. Dont look back dont look ahead just worry about today only theres enough problems right there for you in one day alone!
LIke they say if you wanted to eat an elephant it would be impossible to eat the whole thing at once. You'd have to do it one bite at a time. just like this its one day at a time.
Eventually the good will win.
I battled the same urges as you day in and day out. I wanted to smash walls i wanted to scream i wanted to rage. I wanted to drive my car off a cliff. I wanted to do a lot of things. it was aweful.
Your in a cycle its like a self destructive one up to down good to bad repeat. The only way out is to make one good choice after another even if you dont want too (cause you probably wont really want too for a while) eventualy the bad stuff fades and the new stuff starts to STICK. At which point your not done yet! you gotta keep doing it and it gets better. Eventualy you only dont wanna make the right choices sometimes instead of like all the time.
I'm 2 years sober now and that worked for me. Someone asked me recently how long till a new habit is sunken in. I said 6 months! they probably didnt like that answer but having given up booze drugs cigarettes started exercising became a friggen vegan etc.. I can now say 6 months.
HOw do you do it? one day at a time. one step at a time. Focus on the small steps not the whole picture. The whole picture is friggen scary. Focus on the steps. Dont look back dont look ahead just worry about today only theres enough problems right there for you in one day alone!
LIke they say if you wanted to eat an elephant it would be impossible to eat the whole thing at once. You'd have to do it one bite at a time. just like this its one day at a time.
Eventually the good will win.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
just a few words from one of AA's founders, dr bob:
Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time have I been anywhere near yielding. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not, but I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. So it doesn't behoove me to squawk about it, for after all, nobody ever used to throw me down and pour any liquor down my throat.
If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when getting another drink.
Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!
Unlike most of our crowd, I did not get over my craving for liquor much during the first two and one-half years of abstinence. It was almost always with me. But at no time have I been anywhere near yielding. I used to get terribly upset when I saw my friends drink and knew I could not, but I schooled myself to believe that though I once had the same privilege, I had abused it so frightfully that it was withdrawn. So it doesn't behoove me to squawk about it, for after all, nobody ever used to throw me down and pour any liquor down my throat.
If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all, and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you. It never fails if you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when getting another drink.
Your Heavenly Father will never let you down!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
I want to add. A lot of times I didnt know why i was making the right choices. I felt like it was stupid it'd be easier to get drunk. A lot of times I had to BLINDLY go along with this whole sober idea. I thought well other people dont drink they face life they manage to get by it must be possible somehow. I blindly moved foward. Not always liking the sober idea. not always wanting to not always even knowing why i was bothering. I just kept doing it. I wanted to see it through and give it a fair chance.
Since then any big change i make in my life I've learned to see it through give it a chance even if it doesnt appear to be working out keep going keep moving forward keep trying. This struggle with alcohol has been a blessing its helped me in many other wayse to tackle many other problems. Its really worked out for the better int he end to be sober.
But it felt like groundhog day *alarm goes off I wake up *yawn* another day of this sober crap *sigh* hope it gets better *sigh* that played out day in and day out for a long time.
But think of the alternative *alarm goes off I wake up *OMFG KILLER HEADACHE OH god not another friggen day maybe i'll just die OH lord just take me now wtf did i wake up OMFG I hate my friggen life I hate my firggen day Christ is it time to start drinking yet.
I started to like the sober thing better. It became worth it. It almost felt like I had direction and was going somewhere despite the fact that it was not easy. Eventually it got easier.
Since then any big change i make in my life I've learned to see it through give it a chance even if it doesnt appear to be working out keep going keep moving forward keep trying. This struggle with alcohol has been a blessing its helped me in many other wayse to tackle many other problems. Its really worked out for the better int he end to be sober.
But it felt like groundhog day *alarm goes off I wake up *yawn* another day of this sober crap *sigh* hope it gets better *sigh* that played out day in and day out for a long time.
But think of the alternative *alarm goes off I wake up *OMFG KILLER HEADACHE OH god not another friggen day maybe i'll just die OH lord just take me now wtf did i wake up OMFG I hate my friggen life I hate my firggen day Christ is it time to start drinking yet.
I started to like the sober thing better. It became worth it. It almost felt like I had direction and was going somewhere despite the fact that it was not easy. Eventually it got easier.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Talked with a guy last night who gave away six years and now has two days. He made an interesting point with regard to god and the 3rd step prayer (for all you AAs out there). He said you only do the 3rd step once. Everything that happens after you do your 3rd step, whether it was before a string of relapses, or whatever, is god's plan. If you've turned over your will and life to god then your drinking or not drinking is his will. Thought that was interesting.
“Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of
which is a personal housecleaning,
64:0 “which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a
vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once
followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in
ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we
had to get down to causes and conditions.
which is a personal housecleaning,
64:0 “which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a
vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once
followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in
ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we
had to get down to causes and conditions.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I did turn my will and life over to God as I understood him but did not work the rest of the steps. God does give me free will, and I am perfectly capable of taking my will back at any time. So I believe it is not God's will for me to relapse, it's my will. BTW I say the 3rd step prayer every morning when I get up. Why? Because I'm an alcoholic and I have to remind myself every day that I am not God and ask him to be the pilot again today.[/QUOTE]
exactly!! if the god of my understanding wants me to keep goin back out, its time for me to find another one that doesn't want me to do that and will help me with all my problems.
i have had to turn my will( thoughts) and life( actions) back over many times.
a daily reprieve contingent on the maintainence of my spiritual condition.
exactly!! if the god of my understanding wants me to keep goin back out, its time for me to find another one that doesn't want me to do that and will help me with all my problems.
i have had to turn my will( thoughts) and life( actions) back over many times.
a daily reprieve contingent on the maintainence of my spiritual condition.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Western ny
Posts: 388
I'm sorry but why would there be different gods, one of which wants you to drink and one that doesn't. I think we must accept that It is our decision whether we drink or not. What's wrong with having control yourself? I'd much rather wake up knowing that I control my sobriety than have god run the show. Sorry if I'm stirring up controversy just a personal opinion.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 243
I've been where you've been. I have no advice to give.
But after going into the hospital suffering a nervous breakdown while under a combination of heroin, xanax, and alcohol then sent to what was basically a psych ward i was at a place of such despair and hopelessness, bout time i got out i was open to experience this power that was so hard to describe and explain. I always misunderstood step 3 i forgot that the word care was in the third step.
But after going into the hospital suffering a nervous breakdown while under a combination of heroin, xanax, and alcohol then sent to what was basically a psych ward i was at a place of such despair and hopelessness, bout time i got out i was open to experience this power that was so hard to describe and explain. I always misunderstood step 3 i forgot that the word care was in the third step.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
I thought I was going to lose my mind thinking about drinking for the first six months. I kept thinking that I didn't want to do it again and just suffered through the tough moments. Now at two years I can see clearly that alcohol solved none of the problems that I wanted it to. I have been there and done that. I would never go back. I give thanks for my sobriety every day. I've got my big scary adult life!
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Go for a walk. Be in awe of the miraculous Universe that became, not that was "created". Take the small steps in the right direction and you may "become". There is nothing controlling your destiny. Only you have the choices to move yourself in the right direction in spite of limitations or outside influence.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 138
Thanks everyone for the input. When I stop moving, literally, it starts to get painfully uncomfortable. Guess I got to keep moving. lol. I have made about 4 batches of pancakes in the last two days because it is something to do. lol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
one guy at the aa meeting i went too made cookies to pass the time HAHA. I went through that. I made cookies. made bread. polished all the silverwear. polished anything else that could be polished. fixed up old antiques. I took on the dumbest tasks ever just to keep myself occupied. people thought there was something wrong with me i'm sure. But oh well.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
IMO you are, and have been, dealing with depression. I have a hunch that regular exercise (of what form and frequency I’m not sure) will help to even out the moods.
The other thing I think might be a great benefit is implied by your last post, as well as in your signature line. It has to do with the proper use will.
We all have goals and expectations for the future based on our desires and hopes. These desires and hopes are sometimes unmet, despite our best efforts. The events and emotions that result were the things that would often preceded my drinking. To deal with this, there were two things that I needed to do.
First was to stop pushing the river uphill.
Second was to understand that things are often not as they appear. I am, frequently, a very bad judge about what is good and bad for me in the long run. I had to accept that I have a very limited perspective.
All the best to you.
The other thing I think might be a great benefit is implied by your last post, as well as in your signature line. It has to do with the proper use will.
We all have goals and expectations for the future based on our desires and hopes. These desires and hopes are sometimes unmet, despite our best efforts. The events and emotions that result were the things that would often preceded my drinking. To deal with this, there were two things that I needed to do.
First was to stop pushing the river uphill.
Second was to understand that things are often not as they appear. I am, frequently, a very bad judge about what is good and bad for me in the long run. I had to accept that I have a very limited perspective.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: WA
Posts: 891
Originally Posted by Adillac 
Long history with AA, therapy, rehab, all this, etc blah blah. 50 days sober after giving away 8 months. No biggie, I didn't earn it anyway. First three weeks back I was wanting to die, plotting my overdose, etc. Saw the doctor, new meds and for the last three weeks have been unusually well. Last few days, and especially now I am so wound up and feel exactly like i did before the meds. WTF? I am so effing tired of being good, then not good, then good, then not good. I mean, really? My experience is this: god doesn't work in my life, hasn't. self-talk doesn't work (AV method), nothing seems to work.
Talked with a guy last night who gave away six years and now has two days. He made an interesting point with regard to god and the 3rd step prayer (for all you AAs out there). He said you only do the 3rd step once. Everything that happens after you do your 3rd step, whether it was before a string of relapses, or whatever, is god's plan. If you've turned over your will and life to god then your drinking or not drinking is his will. Thought that was interesting.
When its on me, it feels like rage, and I crave a release, a surge, a spike. Normal people get their spike with a slice of chocolate cake, or controlled drinking, or sex, or their favorite song while they're working on some project in their garage. My brain is so used to having enormous amounts of alcohol or heroin that everything else barely registers or doesn't at all. When it says in the BB that our bodies are as sick as our minds (or something to that effect), I can understand why they would say that. My body is craving alcohol and I haven't had a drink in 50 days. I can feel it, almost like a mild detox- nerves, agitation, restless.
Is there anyone out there with a long history of relapse that can speak to any of this? Is your life just a repeating sequence of Good, Suicide watch, Good, Relapse, Suicide watch, Good, etc....? And if it was like that and isn't now, what happened? How did it change?
Thanks..
Talked with a guy last night who gave away six years and now has two days. He made an interesting point with regard to god and the 3rd step prayer (for all you AAs out there). He said you only do the 3rd step once. Everything that happens after you do your 3rd step, whether it was before a string of relapses, or whatever, is god's plan. If you've turned over your will and life to god then your drinking or not drinking is his will. Thought that was interesting.
When its on me, it feels like rage, and I crave a release, a surge, a spike. Normal people get their spike with a slice of chocolate cake, or controlled drinking, or sex, or their favorite song while they're working on some project in their garage. My brain is so used to having enormous amounts of alcohol or heroin that everything else barely registers or doesn't at all. When it says in the BB that our bodies are as sick as our minds (or something to that effect), I can understand why they would say that. My body is craving alcohol and I haven't had a drink in 50 days. I can feel it, almost like a mild detox- nerves, agitation, restless.
Is there anyone out there with a long history of relapse that can speak to any of this? Is your life just a repeating sequence of Good, Suicide watch, Good, Relapse, Suicide watch, Good, etc....? And if it was like that and isn't now, what happened? How did it change?
Thanks..
I'm reading Noah Levine's "Dharma Punx". You sound just like he does in the book. He went into some real dark places before he came out free. Have a read of it. Might find some answers in a language you will understand. Based in LA. Check it out. Best.
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