My boyfriend drinks, and it makes me jealous, how do I deal with this?
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My boyfriend drinks, and it makes me jealous, how do I deal with this?
I'm hoping that someone has experience and advice on how to deal with this. I've never been in a relationship with someone who drinks before and I'm feeling some unexpected feelings and don't know how to deal with it.
I'm in a new relationship, have been with him for 6 months. It has been about 5 years since I took my last drink. My boyfriend drinks socially with his friends, not often, but is out to lunch now with a friend and drinking. I'm blindsided by my feelings about this- I'm hurt, jealous, and feel almost like he is "cheating on" me by drinking. MY reaction to this, is that I feel I want to drink too - he has heard all the stories of my past drinking and has told me if I take a drink, he will not be able to trust me and he will end our relationship. Yet he knows how I feel hurt and jealous that HE is able to drink, and he insists he has the right to do it because he is "not the one with the problem".
Does anyone else deal with a partner who drinks, and if so, how do you deal with it? Why am I feeling I'm being so unreasonable to want him to also stop drinking? Why am I SO tempted to drink just because he is??
Any advice?
I'm in a new relationship, have been with him for 6 months. It has been about 5 years since I took my last drink. My boyfriend drinks socially with his friends, not often, but is out to lunch now with a friend and drinking. I'm blindsided by my feelings about this- I'm hurt, jealous, and feel almost like he is "cheating on" me by drinking. MY reaction to this, is that I feel I want to drink too - he has heard all the stories of my past drinking and has told me if I take a drink, he will not be able to trust me and he will end our relationship. Yet he knows how I feel hurt and jealous that HE is able to drink, and he insists he has the right to do it because he is "not the one with the problem".
Does anyone else deal with a partner who drinks, and if so, how do you deal with it? Why am I feeling I'm being so unreasonable to want him to also stop drinking? Why am I SO tempted to drink just because he is??
Any advice?
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My boyfriend says if it bothers me he won't drink in front of me. What I'm so perplexed by is how hurt I feel that he is drinking AWAY from me...
I did think that if he was out drinking, I would feel drawn to drinking myself, but so far I'm fine and handling it OK, just feeling hurt and jealous, and afraid that in the future it WILL lead me to drink.
I did think that if he was out drinking, I would feel drawn to drinking myself, but so far I'm fine and handling it OK, just feeling hurt and jealous, and afraid that in the future it WILL lead me to drink.
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He probably doesn't realise how big a deal it is. Maybe he just assumes that it's just something that annoys you slightly, but not detrimental to your relationship. Have you explained to him how strongly you feel about it?
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Originally Posted by Bombadil 
He probably doesn't realise how big a deal it is. Maybe he just assumes that it's just something that annoys you slightly, but not detrimental to your relationship. Have you explained to him how strongly you feel about it?
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Sounds like he is being insensitive about your drinking past. There is no way I'd be ok with my husband just going out drinking with buddies, leaving me behind. I'd have a problem with that too.
I don't know what to tell you, if he is doing it and not considering how you feel about it... that indicates a potential problem for the relationship. Resentment builds over things like this.
I guess you'll have to determine what you are willing to accept in this relationship. And go from there. Hopefully he will learn to be more empathetic and compromising.
I don't know what to tell you, if he is doing it and not considering how you feel about it... that indicates a potential problem for the relationship. Resentment builds over things like this.
I guess you'll have to determine what you are willing to accept in this relationship. And go from there. Hopefully he will learn to be more empathetic and compromising.
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I had a similar problem with my now ex boyfriend. It became apparent that everywhere we went (meals out etc) there would be alcohol, I tried to actually end the relationship saying that I didn't want to drink anymore and he said he would help me. It never happened though and the next time we were out drinking, he ended it because I realised I couldn't not drink while I was around him and we would always end up arguing. I pointed out that maybe he also had a problem but he always denied it. I'm not suggesting that you end it obviously but, if he cares about your health he will do whatever he can to help you, or at least that's what he should be doing.
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I can see this from both sides. My husband drinks (normally) and continued to drink when I quit. I would never expect him to quit just because I have a problem. I have no problem with my husband going out with his friends drinking if he chooses to. He is his own person.
He sounds very supportive in that he is drinking away from you. I don't think it is reasonable for someone to expect someone else to stop drinking, when they aren't even in our company.
Looking at this another way, are you struggling with your sobriety in other ways? Perhaps this situation is more about you rather than him. Do you think you need to do more for your sobriety. If you are thinking about drinking just because he is out drinking,or fear you will in the future,maybe you need to look at dealing with your sobriety-more sober tools in your sobriety toolbox (as Dee would say
- sorry Dee, plagiarising you )
I don't think there is anyway you can force him to stop and if you try to,it may signal the end of your relationship. If it is such a deal breaker then maybe you'd be better offwith a non drinker.There are no easy answers
Congrats on 5 years btw-it's a remarkable achievement
He sounds very supportive in that he is drinking away from you. I don't think it is reasonable for someone to expect someone else to stop drinking, when they aren't even in our company.
Looking at this another way, are you struggling with your sobriety in other ways? Perhaps this situation is more about you rather than him. Do you think you need to do more for your sobriety. If you are thinking about drinking just because he is out drinking,or fear you will in the future,maybe you need to look at dealing with your sobriety-more sober tools in your sobriety toolbox (as Dee would say
- sorry Dee, plagiarising you )I don't think there is anyway you can force him to stop and if you try to,it may signal the end of your relationship. If it is such a deal breaker then maybe you'd be better offwith a non drinker.There are no easy answers
Congrats on 5 years btw-it's a remarkable achievement
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Originally Posted by AmeiliaRose
I'm not suggesting that you end it obviously but, if he cares about your health he will do whatever he can to help you, or at least that's what he should be doing.
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
Looking at this another way, are you struggling with your sobriety in other ways? Perhaps this situation is more about you rather than him. Do you think you need to do more for your sobriety. If you are thinking about drinking just because he is out drinking,or fear you will in the future,maybe you need to look at dealing with your sobriety-more sober tools in your sobriety toolbox (as Dee would say - sorry Dee, plagiarising you )
- sorry Dee, plagiarising you )
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I guess im diffrent ,but if someone opened up a fresh fifth of crown and poured me a glass -it would still be a choice .
Do you want to put yourself in a spot where the choices are harder to refuse ?,Thats up to you .
Am i going to buy a bottle of crown -hell no .
Do you want to put yourself in a spot where the choices are harder to refuse ?,Thats up to you .
Am i going to buy a bottle of crown -hell no .
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Originally Posted by marytjm2
This is what I feel as well, that if he really does not have an addiction to drinking, and if he really loves me, he should be able to do whatever I need him to, to support me. Instead he is just mad at me that I feel hurt and jealous of him drinking. It makes me question whether he does have some addiction to drinking that he is not aware of, if he is unable or unwilling to not drink in order to support me. But then I feel I'm taking the focus off of my own problem and my own responsibility and placing it on him - it is MY responsibility to do what I need to do to stay sober, but I just wish he would be more understanding and supportive of me. I'm afraid that his drinking will lead me to drink. I'm not sure this is worth throwing away an otherwise perfectly good relationship, so hoping to find a way to work this out with him.
I know it sounds harsh, but as a man who was expected to change to suit someone else, it creates a lot of resentment. And the change I was asked to make, was a lot harder than not drinking.
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Originally Posted by BikerAcct
I'm not saying I disagree with how you feel, but look at it from another perspective. You are asking him to change to suit you and your needs, is that fair also? You have the choice to accept him as he is, or to move on.
I know it sounds harsh, but as a man who was expected to change to suit someone else, it creates a lot of resentment. And the change I was asked to make, was a lot harder than not drinking.
I know it sounds harsh, but as a man who was expected to change to suit someone else, it creates a lot of resentment. And the change I was asked to make, was a lot harder than not drinking.
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expectations aren't good for me. when someone is doing something that bothers me, it is a problem...with me.
more than likely, he already knows how it makes you feel, but he is right in that it is your problem and not his and if ya want him to walk away, keep holdin him prisoner.
" This is just digging up my struggle and I've avoided thinking about what I need to do for my own sobriety for a long time now."
the program of AA is a great way to find the cause of the underlying issues and has a great solution for them.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
this does not mean I just accept unacceptable behavior and allow it around me. if it is unacceptable behavior, I must not allow it around me or I will not be happy.
until I learned how to have a relationship and not take hostages, I couldn't have a relationship.....with anyone.
more than likely, he already knows how it makes you feel, but he is right in that it is your problem and not his and if ya want him to walk away, keep holdin him prisoner.
" This is just digging up my struggle and I've avoided thinking about what I need to do for my own sobriety for a long time now."
the program of AA is a great way to find the cause of the underlying issues and has a great solution for them.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
this does not mean I just accept unacceptable behavior and allow it around me. if it is unacceptable behavior, I must not allow it around me or I will not be happy.
until I learned how to have a relationship and not take hostages, I couldn't have a relationship.....with anyone.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
Your addiction is rearing its head, plain and simple.
This is a resentment based feeling, and one that will always present itself in one degree or another when you know of or see others drinking. Your addiction tells you that you are jealous because you are starving it of alcohol.
You are not actually jealous of your boyfriend drinking. Think about it - deep down, you don't ever want to drink again because of what it once did to your life. This feeling is instigated by your beast and is a sly trick to get you to drink. This phenomenon highlights how cunning and baffling this disease really is.
You will need to create the ability for yourself to feel indifferent about others' drinking. Otherwise, every time a friend, boyfriend, family member, coworker, you name it, drinks - this feeling will pop up to some degree.
When it happens, try to remind yourself that you don't want to drink and what you are feeling is really not jealousy. If you had a peanut allergy, would you feel the same way if your boyfriend was chowing down on a bag of peanuts at a baseball game? Of course not. But this situation is really no different - you have an allergy to alcohol and if you were to drink it would be life-threatening to you. Others should be able to consume peanuts or alcohol responsibly without it affecting you negatively.
If you are seeing a therapist, this could be a great topic to bring up during your next appointment. The therapist could help you devise tools to deal with the rest of the world that will drink alcohol despite your addiction.
Good luck!
This is a resentment based feeling, and one that will always present itself in one degree or another when you know of or see others drinking. Your addiction tells you that you are jealous because you are starving it of alcohol.
You are not actually jealous of your boyfriend drinking. Think about it - deep down, you don't ever want to drink again because of what it once did to your life. This feeling is instigated by your beast and is a sly trick to get you to drink. This phenomenon highlights how cunning and baffling this disease really is.
You will need to create the ability for yourself to feel indifferent about others' drinking. Otherwise, every time a friend, boyfriend, family member, coworker, you name it, drinks - this feeling will pop up to some degree.
When it happens, try to remind yourself that you don't want to drink and what you are feeling is really not jealousy. If you had a peanut allergy, would you feel the same way if your boyfriend was chowing down on a bag of peanuts at a baseball game? Of course not. But this situation is really no different - you have an allergy to alcohol and if you were to drink it would be life-threatening to you. Others should be able to consume peanuts or alcohol responsibly without it affecting you negatively.
If you are seeing a therapist, this could be a great topic to bring up during your next appointment. The therapist could help you devise tools to deal with the rest of the world that will drink alcohol despite your addiction.
Good luck!
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Originally Posted by BikerAcct
I'm not saying I disagree with how you feel, but look at it from another perspective. You are asking him to change to suit you and your needs, is that fair also? You have the choice to accept him as he is, or to move on.
I know it sounds harsh, but as a man who was expected to change to suit someone else, it creates a lot of resentment. And the change I was asked to make, was a lot harder than not drinking.
I know it sounds harsh, but as a man who was expected to change to suit someone else, it creates a lot of resentment. And the change I was asked to make, was a lot harder than not drinking.
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Plus I always used to think everything else or everyone else was a problem. I now know the problem was me and I was the only person who could change my thoughts towards it
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Originally Posted by tomsteve
expectations aren't good for me. when someone is doing something that bothers me, it is a problem...with me.
more than likely, he already knows how it makes you feel, but he is right in that it is your problem and not his and if ya want him to walk away, keep holdin him prisoner.
" This is just digging up my struggle and I've avoided thinking about what I need to do for my own sobriety for a long time now."
the program of AA is a great way to find the cause of the underlying issues and has a great solution for them.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
this does not mean I just accept unacceptable behavior and allow it around me. if it is unacceptable behavior, I must not allow it around me or I will not be happy.
until I learned how to have a relationship and not take hostages, I couldn't have a relationship.....with anyone.
more than likely, he already knows how it makes you feel, but he is right in that it is your problem and not his and if ya want him to walk away, keep holdin him prisoner.
" This is just digging up my struggle and I've avoided thinking about what I need to do for my own sobriety for a long time now."
the program of AA is a great way to find the cause of the underlying issues and has a great solution for them.
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
this does not mean I just accept unacceptable behavior and allow it around me. if it is unacceptable behavior, I must not allow it around me or I will not be happy.
until I learned how to have a relationship and not take hostages, I couldn't have a relationship.....with anyone.
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Location: Indiana
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan
Your addiction is rearing its head, plain and simple.
This is a resentment based feeling, and one that will always present itself in one degree or another when you know of or see others drinking. Your addiction tells you that you are jealous because you are starving it of alcohol.
You are not actually jealous of your boyfriend drinking. Think about it - deep down, you don't ever want to drink again because of what it once did to your life. This feeling is instigated by your beast and is a sly trick to get you to drink. This phenomenon highlights how cunning and baffling this disease really is.
You will need to create the ability for yourself to feel indifferent about others' drinking. Otherwise, every time a friend, boyfriend, family member, coworker, you name it, drinks - this feeling will pop up to some degree.
When it happens, try to remind yourself that you don't want to drink and what you are feeling is really not jealousy. If you had a peanut allergy, would you feel the same way if your boyfriend was chowing down on a bag of peanuts at a baseball game? Of course not. But this situation is really no different - you have an allergy to alcohol and if you were to drink it would be life-threatening to you. Others should be able to consume peanuts or alcohol responsibly without it affecting you negatively.
If you are seeing a therapist, this could be a great topic to bring up during your next appointment. The therapist could help you devise tools to deal with the rest of the world that will drink alcohol despite your addiction.
Good luck!
This is a resentment based feeling, and one that will always present itself in one degree or another when you know of or see others drinking. Your addiction tells you that you are jealous because you are starving it of alcohol.
You are not actually jealous of your boyfriend drinking. Think about it - deep down, you don't ever want to drink again because of what it once did to your life. This feeling is instigated by your beast and is a sly trick to get you to drink. This phenomenon highlights how cunning and baffling this disease really is.
You will need to create the ability for yourself to feel indifferent about others' drinking. Otherwise, every time a friend, boyfriend, family member, coworker, you name it, drinks - this feeling will pop up to some degree.
When it happens, try to remind yourself that you don't want to drink and what you are feeling is really not jealousy. If you had a peanut allergy, would you feel the same way if your boyfriend was chowing down on a bag of peanuts at a baseball game? Of course not. But this situation is really no different - you have an allergy to alcohol and if you were to drink it would be life-threatening to you. Others should be able to consume peanuts or alcohol responsibly without it affecting you negatively.
If you are seeing a therapist, this could be a great topic to bring up during your next appointment. The therapist could help you devise tools to deal with the rest of the world that will drink alcohol despite your addiction.
Good luck!
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