My boyfriend drinks, and it makes me jealous, how do I deal with this?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
Great post, thanks tomsteve-This is one of the most important things I've learnt since getting sober.
Plus I always used to think everything else or everyone else was a problem. I now know the problem was me and I was the only person who could change my thoughts towards it
Plus I always used to think everything else or everyone else was a problem. I now know the problem was me and I was the only person who could change my thoughts towards it
that story has helped pull my head outta my but many times. there is a LOT of great advise in there on relationships.
i get a laugh ever time i read that story.heres the part that i laugh at as i relate quite a bit:
the harder i worked with max( his wife) the sicker she got.so, when it ended up at a psycho ward, i wasn't all that surprised.but then, when that steel door slammed shut and she was the one that went home. i truly was amazed.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...edintime16.pdf
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by tomsteve
the acceptance thing is out of a story in the big book of AA titled,"doctor,alcoholic, addict" and in later editions, "acceptance was the answer."
that story has helped pull my head outta my but many times. there is a LOT of great advise in there on relationships.
i get a laugh ever time i read that story.heres the part that i laugh at as i relate quite a bit:
the harder i worked with max( his wife) the sicker she got.so, when it ended up at a psycho ward, i wasn't all that surprised.but then, when that steel door slammed shut and she was the one that went home. i truly was amazed.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...edintime16.pdf
that story has helped pull my head outta my but many times. there is a LOT of great advise in there on relationships.
i get a laugh ever time i read that story.heres the part that i laugh at as i relate quite a bit:
the harder i worked with max( his wife) the sicker she got.so, when it ended up at a psycho ward, i wasn't all that surprised.but then, when that steel door slammed shut and she was the one that went home. i truly was amazed.
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_t...edintime16.pdf
I see it as the ultimate 3rd step story and the writing is hysterically funny and very engaging, one can just visualize this pompous doctor with an overinflated ego stitching mocassins while patronizing everyone
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 559
i am struggling with exactly this issue. i have 6 weeks today.
i'm doing outpatient therapy but have not tried AA. i don't think it would be a good fit for me, as i am atheist and take psych meds.
however, i think i am going to need to do something to work out a way through this.
i'm doing outpatient therapy but have not tried AA. i don't think it would be a good fit for me, as i am atheist and take psych meds.
however, i think i am going to need to do something to work out a way through this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
My wife is an alcoholic, and I stopped drinking because of it.
Whether she decides to get treatment now or later, I still won't touch it. Can't stand the smell of it anymore.
My experience through 6 plus years of this tells me that if a person can't walk away from something(cigs, booze, porn, etc) for someone they really care about, they have an addiction or they really don't care too much for that other person.
No matter how much people try to analyze it, it still comes down to the same two conclusions.
And I agree with the responder about the resentment that will build to only undermind the potential of your future relationship.
Keep the focus on you and your continued recovery, and walk away from the people who will thoughtlessly or carelessly trip you up.
God bless you!
Whether she decides to get treatment now or later, I still won't touch it. Can't stand the smell of it anymore.
My experience through 6 plus years of this tells me that if a person can't walk away from something(cigs, booze, porn, etc) for someone they really care about, they have an addiction or they really don't care too much for that other person.
No matter how much people try to analyze it, it still comes down to the same two conclusions.
And I agree with the responder about the resentment that will build to only undermind the potential of your future relationship.
Keep the focus on you and your continued recovery, and walk away from the people who will thoughtlessly or carelessly trip you up.
God bless you!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Somewhere USA
Posts: 238
Originally Posted by Spinner-007
My experience through 6 plus years of this tells me that if a person can't walk away from something(cigs, booze, porn, etc) for someone they really care about, they have an addiction or they really don't care too much for that other person.
And I agree with the responder about the resentment that will build to only undermind the potential of your future relationship.
God bless you!
As far as the person refusing to give something up for someone they love either themselves having an addiction, or not caring enough about the other person, I think you're wrong. Sometimes you are asked to give something up that is an important part of who you are. I know we are talking about drinking in this instance, but it could apply to anything.
I was asked to change (walk away from something ) in a way that would have made me unhappy with myself, and unhappy with the situation. All so she could be happy, no concern with my happiness. I couldn't do that to myself. So I left a woman, I still very much to this day, love. Had I done what she asked, the relationship would have been destroyed over built up resentment.
I know that was off topic, and I'm sorry to hijack your thread Mary. But this one touches a nerve. If you are going to ask someone to change for you, be prepared for the consequences. It may not be what you expect.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
Its really sort of selfish to ask someone else to change because -WE are the ones with the problem .
I learned quite a bit at AA , but found the answers i needed in Anger Mgt.
Class .
Everyone has their individual demons to fight with .
I learned quite a bit at AA , but found the answers i needed in Anger Mgt.
Class .
Everyone has their individual demons to fight with .
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I have a year sober, but I have to be honest and say that this would be a deal breaker for me. I am just speaking for me here.
Selfish I guess, but I guess that just means I need more work and am not ready for any kind of relationship.
Ultimately you need to do what is best for you.
Selfish I guess, but I guess that just means I need more work and am not ready for any kind of relationship.
Ultimately you need to do what is best for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
The truth is, you are the one with a problem, and I personally only worry about what I do, not anyone else.
I've been over this many times, and when my wife would drink around me, if I felt jealous, it was because I had not yet come to terms with the fact that I cannot ever drink again.
So, guess what happened? I started drinking again. I clearly wasn't done yet.
I'm allergic to shrimp, and as much as I loved them, I could have an anaphylaxis if I eat them. My kids love shrimp, and I don't get upset when they eat them, because they enjoy it.
Again, it's my problem, not theirs.
You have to decide that you are done, really truly done with this awful crap, at which point it shouldn't matter what anyone else does.
Maybe you are jealous because you really don't want to be done yet?
I've been over this many times, and when my wife would drink around me, if I felt jealous, it was because I had not yet come to terms with the fact that I cannot ever drink again.
So, guess what happened? I started drinking again. I clearly wasn't done yet.
I'm allergic to shrimp, and as much as I loved them, I could have an anaphylaxis if I eat them. My kids love shrimp, and I don't get upset when they eat them, because they enjoy it.
Again, it's my problem, not theirs.
You have to decide that you are done, really truly done with this awful crap, at which point it shouldn't matter what anyone else does.
Maybe you are jealous because you really don't want to be done yet?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Re reading your post Mary I can see one thing popping out: He is not that much into you.
If he truly wanted to be with you, he would make that small sacrifice (I m assuming he is a normie and not an alcoholic). You say it is a new relationship, at this stage (but remember I am a mean old lady who has been through a lot) I would just cut my losses. There are plenty of nice men out there who will be respectful of your feelings and willing to go an extra step for you.
Now to go back to the acceptance issue, we live in a drinking society and sooner or later you will have to learn to adjust and be comfortable enough with your sobriety so that other people's drinking is of no impact on you one way or another.
You being jealous of his drinking is kind of a tell tale sign that you are not fully comfortable with the fact that you cannot ever safely drink again and that you are finished with drinking.
In AA, we equate that state (being ok amongst drinkers) with being spiritually "fit" and like Tomsteve very eloquently put it: acceptance is the answer. It is definitely a third step issue as I see it, letting go of control and being ok with the way things are.
If he truly wanted to be with you, he would make that small sacrifice (I m assuming he is a normie and not an alcoholic). You say it is a new relationship, at this stage (but remember I am a mean old lady who has been through a lot) I would just cut my losses. There are plenty of nice men out there who will be respectful of your feelings and willing to go an extra step for you.
Now to go back to the acceptance issue, we live in a drinking society and sooner or later you will have to learn to adjust and be comfortable enough with your sobriety so that other people's drinking is of no impact on you one way or another.
You being jealous of his drinking is kind of a tell tale sign that you are not fully comfortable with the fact that you cannot ever safely drink again and that you are finished with drinking.
In AA, we equate that state (being ok amongst drinkers) with being spiritually "fit" and like Tomsteve very eloquently put it: acceptance is the answer. It is definitely a third step issue as I see it, letting go of control and being ok with the way things are.
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics
are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is
served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we
mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that
this is not necessarily so. We meet these conditions every day. An
alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is
something the matter with his spiritual status. Page 100
are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is
served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we
mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that
this is not necessarily so. We meet these conditions every day. An
alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is
something the matter with his spiritual status. Page 100
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Personally, I am not jealous when my bf drinks. I think it comes down to a matter of being very honest with myself about it.
I want to be quit. I think he should be jealous of my sobriety. I save money not drinking. I'm healthier not drinking. I make choices to do other things like go out walking because I'm not pleasantly buzzed or insanely drunk and passed out by 8:00.
I never enjoyed one drink. It always made me want more. I was always so focused on the alcohol and on wanting to get more drunk that I couldn't really enjoy whatever was going on.
I know that I wouldn't stop at one. And I don't miss the hangovers, the withdrawal, the anxiety, the bad choices I made, losing control of my temper, saying things I didn't mean, puking the next morning, needing to drink all the time, wasting money, not performing well at my job, driving drunk and being afraid I'd go to jail for it, etc.
Bf can have one and not have those problems.
I really don't see anything to be jealous of. I quit because I wanted to. Bf or anybody else on the planet isn't going to change my mind.
Most importantly, I am grateful for each day sober. I am grateful that I quit.
I want to be quit. I think he should be jealous of my sobriety. I save money not drinking. I'm healthier not drinking. I make choices to do other things like go out walking because I'm not pleasantly buzzed or insanely drunk and passed out by 8:00.
I never enjoyed one drink. It always made me want more. I was always so focused on the alcohol and on wanting to get more drunk that I couldn't really enjoy whatever was going on.
I know that I wouldn't stop at one. And I don't miss the hangovers, the withdrawal, the anxiety, the bad choices I made, losing control of my temper, saying things I didn't mean, puking the next morning, needing to drink all the time, wasting money, not performing well at my job, driving drunk and being afraid I'd go to jail for it, etc.
Bf can have one and not have those problems.
I really don't see anything to be jealous of. I quit because I wanted to. Bf or anybody else on the planet isn't going to change my mind.
Most importantly, I am grateful for each day sober. I am grateful that I quit.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I have been thinking about this a lot since I posted.
I have a question for those who believe that a significant other should not ever drink because we are alcoholic.
Is it right, and healthy to expect someone else to abstain because of our problem?
Isn't one negative trait of alcoholics that we expect the world to change to suit us?
Aren't we continuing that selfish trend?
And to the family members, is it healthy in a codependent way to stop for your partner?
Isn't there the (not so) subtle suggestion that their behavior is making is do things we don't want to do! Triggering us to relapse? Again, making our problem their fault?
Is it fair to blame a normal drinker for our being uncomfortable? If they are changing behavior around us, is that another codependent act?
Look, I get it. It is a kind thing to do in some instances for the non problem drinker to abstain for our benefit.
But it does seem to me that many of the expectations of them, including demands and disappointment if they choose to go on with their normal behavior, perhaps that's unhealthy.
Thoughts?
I have a question for those who believe that a significant other should not ever drink because we are alcoholic.
Is it right, and healthy to expect someone else to abstain because of our problem?
Isn't one negative trait of alcoholics that we expect the world to change to suit us?
Aren't we continuing that selfish trend?
And to the family members, is it healthy in a codependent way to stop for your partner?
Isn't there the (not so) subtle suggestion that their behavior is making is do things we don't want to do! Triggering us to relapse? Again, making our problem their fault?
Is it fair to blame a normal drinker for our being uncomfortable? If they are changing behavior around us, is that another codependent act?
Look, I get it. It is a kind thing to do in some instances for the non problem drinker to abstain for our benefit.
But it does seem to me that many of the expectations of them, including demands and disappointment if they choose to go on with their normal behavior, perhaps that's unhealthy.
Thoughts?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
As an alcoholic and codependent in recovery I completely agree with you DoubleBarrel and I think the OP definitely needs to work some more on her recovery.
As a woman, I think that he is not really good boyfriend material and seems to be pretty high handed toward her. This would be awesome coming from a long term partner who has worked on detachment and on his codependency, for a new relationship, this not what a man in love would say. He is not that much into her.
As a woman, I think that he is not really good boyfriend material and seems to be pretty high handed toward her.
he has heard all the stories of my past drinking and has told me if I take a drink, he will not be able to trust me and he will end our relationship. Yet he knows how I feel hurt and jealous that HE is able to drink, and he insists he has the right to do it because he is "not the one with the problem".
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Totally agree with all you have said on this doublebarrel
carlotta-Also as a woman, I agree with your comments about the op's boyfriend. I agree his comments towards her are patronizing, almost controlling and would question the relationship.
However, I don't think anyone has the right to insist another doesn't drink,especially when they are not even in our company. Maybe it would be different if this was not such a new relationship
Fundamentally though,I think the op#s main issue is that she thinks she may drink again. Whatever the reasons for that, it shows that maybe you need to concentrate on your energies on your sobriety
carlotta-Also as a woman, I agree with your comments about the op's boyfriend. I agree his comments towards her are patronizing, almost controlling and would question the relationship.
However, I don't think anyone has the right to insist another doesn't drink,especially when they are not even in our company. Maybe it would be different if this was not such a new relationship
Fundamentally though,I think the op#s main issue is that she thinks she may drink again. Whatever the reasons for that, it shows that maybe you need to concentrate on your energies on your sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 11
I appreciate very much all of the insightful comments everyone has made.
The thought that he "isn't that much into me" has of course occurred to me, but he proves in many, many other ways that he IS very much into me, and because of this, I have no doubts about his love and commitment to me. He just doesn't understand my alcoholism, and I've encouraged him to try AlAnon to help him deal with me and my feelings about this whole situation.
I think that, to be honest, those who are questioning whether I'm really working my own program and taking full responsibility for my own sobriety, are more spot-on about what the real issue is here. Have I made the decision that I simply canNOT ever take a drink again...??? Maybe not - my fear is more about my own lack of resolve, support or working a program. To give more information about our situation - my boyfriend only drinks a few times a YEAR. In the six months I've known him this was only the second time he drank at all, and he had only 2 drinks, he doesn't drink to get drunk every time he drinks either.
Personally, I *have* felt both things- that I'm not doing all I need to, to ensure my own sobriety, and also that "he must not love me enough" to stop drinking for me. I'm feeling from all of the comments I've read that the responsibility for my sobriety is MINE, and *I* need to look at this and do something about it. My sisters drink in front of me all the time and it doesn't bother me to this extent- something in my mind is twisting this to think "if he drinks and knows how it makes me feel, what else is he doing that I wouldn't approve of, and just not telling me about it?" I have my sobriety and my own personal trust issues that I need to work through. Also to be honest, I've quit drinking and stayed sober completely on my own - I used to attend AA meetings, but it has been nearly 15 years since I've been to one. Reading what people are saying here, is showing me that there is so much I have yet to learn and to do to take responsibility for my own sobriety. I've also found it helpful to look at it as having an allergy to alcohol - I wouldn't be jealous if I was allergic to peanuts or shrimp and he was eating these things, so why am I jealous of him drinking alcohol - AWAY FROM ME at that - he has promised he will not ever drink in front of me.
To add to my own "weirdness" about this whole thing, I have told him it bothers me more knowing he is drinking away from me, and I would be more comfortable if he was WITH me present when he is drinking - THAT thinking might lead me right to taking a drink with him and I know it, so I do know that it is MY thinking that has some serious issues and needs some serious work.
I'm learning a lot here, and I appreciate every single input you have all given me- I have a lot to learn and a lot to work on for myself.
The thought that he "isn't that much into me" has of course occurred to me, but he proves in many, many other ways that he IS very much into me, and because of this, I have no doubts about his love and commitment to me. He just doesn't understand my alcoholism, and I've encouraged him to try AlAnon to help him deal with me and my feelings about this whole situation.
I think that, to be honest, those who are questioning whether I'm really working my own program and taking full responsibility for my own sobriety, are more spot-on about what the real issue is here. Have I made the decision that I simply canNOT ever take a drink again...??? Maybe not - my fear is more about my own lack of resolve, support or working a program. To give more information about our situation - my boyfriend only drinks a few times a YEAR. In the six months I've known him this was only the second time he drank at all, and he had only 2 drinks, he doesn't drink to get drunk every time he drinks either.
Personally, I *have* felt both things- that I'm not doing all I need to, to ensure my own sobriety, and also that "he must not love me enough" to stop drinking for me. I'm feeling from all of the comments I've read that the responsibility for my sobriety is MINE, and *I* need to look at this and do something about it. My sisters drink in front of me all the time and it doesn't bother me to this extent- something in my mind is twisting this to think "if he drinks and knows how it makes me feel, what else is he doing that I wouldn't approve of, and just not telling me about it?" I have my sobriety and my own personal trust issues that I need to work through. Also to be honest, I've quit drinking and stayed sober completely on my own - I used to attend AA meetings, but it has been nearly 15 years since I've been to one. Reading what people are saying here, is showing me that there is so much I have yet to learn and to do to take responsibility for my own sobriety. I've also found it helpful to look at it as having an allergy to alcohol - I wouldn't be jealous if I was allergic to peanuts or shrimp and he was eating these things, so why am I jealous of him drinking alcohol - AWAY FROM ME at that - he has promised he will not ever drink in front of me.
To add to my own "weirdness" about this whole thing, I have told him it bothers me more knowing he is drinking away from me, and I would be more comfortable if he was WITH me present when he is drinking - THAT thinking might lead me right to taking a drink with him and I know it, so I do know that it is MY thinking that has some serious issues and needs some serious work.
I'm learning a lot here, and I appreciate every single input you have all given me- I have a lot to learn and a lot to work on for myself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
mary, it is a blessing to see yer lookin in the mirror!! soooo many people refuse to do that and end up drunk.
yup, theres something goin on if its ok for your sisters to drink and not yer boyfriend.
what im guessin,since it seems to bother ya when he drinks when hes not around you, is there could be some insecurity happening?
yup, theres something goin on if its ok for your sisters to drink and not yer boyfriend.
what im guessin,since it seems to bother ya when he drinks when hes not around you, is there could be some insecurity happening?
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by DoubleBarrel
I have a question for those who believe that a significant other should not ever drink because we are alcoholic.
Thoughts?
Thoughts?
Will I ever beable to live with booze in the house? I can't answer that yet as I don't have to worry about that right now. Chances are maybe I will never beable to have it in the house.
My sobriety is up to me and I am a work in process. I personally think me not being ready to be around someone who does, it just a sign that I need more work on me.
New to Sobriety
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Eugene, Oregon
Posts: 10
I really needed to read this. I can definitely relate. I've been feeling similar feelings about my SO and his drinking. I find that it's just occasional I'm good, but I'm afraid of what will happen if it starts happening more.
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