Missandy

My exAbf hits 60 days tomorrow.
That's the most he's had in over 15 years.
We are not on speaking terms. He is focusing on recovery and so am I.
Would it be wrong of me to shoot him a quick text or email congratulating him?

I know it's not a huge milestone but regardless of him and I ever got back together I still care and am proud he's even come this far.

PhoenixJ

I think you need to answer that. Would contact lead to enabling, dependency, emotional blackmail, blaming blah? He is your ex. Why do you want to contact him?
As my counsellor demands of me- what is in it for you? Stay safe.
Empathy and support.

Done4today

60 days is a HUGE milestone. Not as big as 30 days but close.

Forward12

If this was a codependent/alcoholic relationship I would say it's not a good idea.

ThatWasTheOldMe

That sounds like a bad idea... not knowing your exact situation. Focus on your recovery and let him focus on his. Just my two cents.

ScottFromWI

I would agree that what's most important is why you feel you want to contact him. There's most likely a reason you aren't talking in the first place, and if you had to come here to ask you probably already know the answer, no?

tomsteve

check your motives.
so, there I was hittin something like 6 or 7 years sober. called my sponsor to say something about it- my motive was to get a pat on the back.
my sponsor said,"if your lookin for a pat on the back or kudos for living like you should have been your whole life, youre lookin in the wrong place."

Missandy

I was just curious because I am not an alcoholic and I do not understand what he is going thru.
We aren't on bad terms, he just was honest and said a relationship was too much pressure for him.
Of course, I was angry, sometimes still am angry and noticed my old codependent ways popping back up so I got myself back to alanon and therapy. I just wanted him to know I am proud, do love him and am being supportive from afar.

Missandy

I'm defintely not looking for a pat on the back, I just genuinely care.

August252015

So this hits an interesting chord with me.

I am 13 months sober and I still consider this new to sobriety - sure, I've got a lot of growth under me in that time but it pales in comparison to the rest of my life.

So, first, I'd say 60 days is awesome - and extremely short if he plans to stay sober forever.

Then, I'd say that there's a reason (probably multiple) that you have no contact.

I would also say that focusing on yourself is an excellent plan.

The reason I say all this is because it is advice to myself: I have an ex to whom I need to make amends. I have not - because we have no contact (he was a great person but a huge enabler among other things, while I was drinking) and I do not know that opening the door to any communication is the best thing for ME. He is also an alcoholic and has not had reason or chosen to stop drinking- as far as I know - and while I care for him (he was a very important part of my life for several years), right now my decision is that I don't need him present in my life and the amends go undelivered.

I am very selective and self-protective about my "circle." It's your call and only you can guess how he will take it or what will happen next- you cannot KNOW- and weighing the benefits of staying mum (for now, let's say) and keeping on your own good road. You can pray for him, wish him the best, send positive thoughts, whatever your manner of encouragement is- without words or interaction.

Good luck.

Centered3

That might be nice for him to hear.

It sounds like you did not take it personally. That is good. It's not personal. He needs to work on recovery, which is enough pressure itself.

I hope Alanon and therapy are helping you see your own truths about your codependent ways. Focus on yourself and your behavior and thinking, and not on his behavior.

If that is your motive, then I would send him a text with those exact words and then leave it there. Period. It's brief, it's kind, it's supportive. Let it be like a whiff of perfume that's pleasant and gone (something my sponsor once said to me).

If he writes back "thank you", let it be just like that. Let him have the last word, unless his response needs an explanation. If he doesn't respond to your text, just leave it, do not send another one.

Missandy

Thank you for this response, I needed it. I have tried to not take it personally but I do have my moments where I get angry for him leaving me behind. I have been pretty rational in my thinking tho and can typically calm myself down and realize this isn't about me. It's literally life or death for him. Just being a fixer it makes me feel helpless and unwanted. Tho I'm learning more and more that that is very far from the truth.

He used to always tell me, how is your heart so big, you've been hurt so much in your life yet you still can love like nothing ever happened. It's a blessing and a curse. Bottom line, I wish him well, and that's it. No expectations, if he wants to reach out one day, that's on him. I will not force it.

thomas11

Sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie. Its an honorable thing you want to do, but the outcome is unknown.

Forward12

It sounds like he's broken things off and is focusing on his sobriety.
He'll get in touch with you if he wants to. Otherwise I would just move on with your life and not obsess over what they are doing.