MattM316

Since I ended up in hospital about 3 years ago after having 3 withdrawal seizures in one day (resulting in a badly fractured shoulder, resulting in 3 operations and now a full replacement shoulder) I've had my ups and downs.
You'd think nearly dying and destroying a shoulder would be enough of a shock, but it's not quite as simple as that.

I've had several 'slip ups' in that period of time, but one thing I did find is that when I decided to stop drinking I found it extremely easy.
For example, at the moment I haven't had any spirits in about 2 weeks and I haven't had any alcohol in 4 days and I feel absolutely fine.

I found that the only really hard times were when I drank a hell of a lot and then never had anything to drink the next day. Those were worrying times, rapid heart beat, shakes etc, counting the hours before I get out of the seizure zone.

But what baffles me is how easy I generally find it to stop and then for some reason keep starting up again.
I know I can go without it, but something in my brain won't let it go, even when I don't need or crave alcohol.

I'm sure others have experienced similar!

Boleo

That's the ISM of alcohol-ISM. I managed to stop for 30 days, more than 2 dozen times, yet could not stay stopped. Why?

Because just abstaining was not enough to to make sobriety worth having. I was uncomfortable in my own skin STARK-RAVING-SOBER! It was not until I experienced a Spiritual Awakening, that I felt comfortable in my own skin without a substance. That's why I now say:

"Not-drinking has nothing to do with why I am sober today".

JJB

I think we're all a bit different. I find it extremely difficult to stop even for one day.The way alcohol seems to keep us in our control though is the same.
When I was pregant I didn't drink alcohol or coffee for nine months (both of which seemed unthinkable before). After the nine months I never regained my need for coffee and have never drunk it again. Alcohol was a different matter! It was still there waiting. That's what makes me think whereas coffee was just a physical addiction (needed one every morning) alcohol is a mental/psychological one.

Isaiah

"Alcohol is just a symptom of the disease."

Cliche AA phrase but has a lot of truth. The alcohol itself is insignificant. It's the brain that is the problem; alcoholics literally change their brains in a permanent way. Which is also why AA as well as a lot of the medical field say you can't just "be cured!" Sucks but that's why people find a way to be actively sober, drink til their dead.

But yeah, I had a lot of relapses under the same circumstances. What I found too was it kept getting worse no matter how much or long I drank really.

RaiseAnchor

When I began my journey into abstaining from alcohol I had the thought that I simply had to not drink. This is the real underlying truth, the only way to win was to not play the game. After coming and going a few times I realized that I also had to change other habits, and develop a strong routine. When boredom would set in I would begin to think "hey, this might be more fun with a few beers" (though, the few beers would turn into a lot of beers). So I took a look around and realized how foolish it was to assume that I can be bored in the 20th century.

It has become a lot easier for me. It was becoming okay with feeling bored once in awhile and doing something that may not seem like the most fun thing to do. It is all still rewarding (like running on a treadmill when it's sweltering outside, or studying for an accounting final that's in two days. :P), and I don't beat myself up as much for just sitting around and doing nothing from time to time either.

Trooper13

Matt, I am curious. What do you consider the seizure free zone. I am currently detoxing and it has been horrible. Thanks!

karate

Just look it up on the net ,Hamsnetwork has some guidelines .


I understood it to be 3 days .

deeker

“Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 3, Page 30

If you have said to yourself: “Yes, I'm one of those people who are powerless over alcohol. My life has become unmanageable. I can't stop drinking and I want help”, you have made a good start on Step One and discovered, as it says in the Big Book, “We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.”
Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 2, Page 24

Reprinted wIth Permission of AA World Service, inc

DoubleBarrel

In retrospect, I have been this way since day one.

The very first time I got drunk, I looked in the mirror, and it was like every thing was a better version of reality.

My anxiety was gone, my apprehension was gone, I loved the world, and felt totally trouble free.

I am certain that somewhere back in the emotional, illogical part of my brain, THAT me still wants to have another go, to regain that first time feeling.

Now that I have a reasonable period of abstinence, I am better able to identify THAT voice, and recognize it for what it is. Logic and reason prevail, but there is no doubt that there is a struggle. That other voice is weaker, but I don't think that memory will ever go away completely.

bigsombrero

Hey Matt,

I had three withdrawl seizures too. They were spaced out more (not all in the same day), but I just wanted to say I feel your pain. Those things are a beast and I would not wish them on my worst enemy. I remember not being able to walk properly for quite a while after one of them due to muscle soreness, and nearly bit my tongue off after another one.

Anyway, I hope you stay off the booze man. You can do it - it's not easy, but you've got to trust yourself and know that staying away is the best thing you can do for yourself. Don't listen to that voice that says it's okay - just don't, you know it's not worth it. Good luck with everything.

MattM316

It differs between sources but it's either 48 hours or 72 hours.
When I had mine I had been out on the Thursday night heavily drinking and taking pills, and it was early on the Sunday morning that I had the first seizure, then two more that evening.

Somehow I seemed to know that something was really wrong during the early hours of Sunday. I remember telling my Dad that I thought something wasn't right.
For about a year previous i'd been having spasms, racing heart, hallucinations etc at night, but for some reason something felt different that night. I can't explain it really.

When i've had slip-ups it has been worrying tho, because I believe once you've had one seizure of that nature the likelihood of having more increases if you drink too much again.

MattM316

Yeah it was a weird time, especially being drugged up to the eyeballs in hospital for nearly two weeks!
It's scary to think what would have happened if i'd have had one when nobody else was around.

Nuudawn

Love what you said Boleo. I find that it is not the quitting..it is the "staying quit" I have some difficulty with..with any of my addictive behaviours as I have more than one.

And I too believe it has a whole lot to do with getting real comfortable in your own skin and between your ears. ..and not wanting to jeopardize that..for anything.

MattM316

I also know that I couldn't just go out and have a couple of pints, i'd have to have as many as I possibly could.
It used to be the same with food, so instead of having one of something i'd feel that I needed two.
I've always said that i'm glad I never got into drugs (other than alcohol) because if I had gone down that route as well then i'm 99% sure I wouldn't be alive now.

hypochondriac

Someone in my local AA group always says 'any idiot can stop drinking, it's staying stopped that's the problem'. Personally I was always a little offended by this (though not really because I got the sentiment) because I found it so hard to just stop, and the first few days/weeks were really difficult for me. My experience is not like yours but I am sure many have found it 'easy' but I suppose that lulls you into a false sense of security and makes it harder to stay quit. Which basically means you'll need to work harder to stay sober. In a way I am grateful for my struggles because I will never forget and that makes it easier to remember why I shouldn't drink.

The one thing that confuses me about your experience is that if you found sobriety easy, then why drink? I know that is kinda the question you're asking but I am curious as to how you feel about it just before a slip? I always felt that drinking would be 'giving in' to the 'easy' option. For me it is harder to stay sober, but more rewarding. If you find sobriety easy then why do you end up drinking again? x

Lifewillgetbet

I had 3 alcohol withdrawal seizures as well. Horrifying. I had one sitting in my office chair and I woke up and was like "WTF" just happened? I called the ambulance and had 2 more in the hospital. Big ones apparently. GRAND mal.
I was super sore too, like I just ran 8 marathons. This was on a Friday. I left the hospital on Sunday. Very scary.
I did end up quitting the drinking for an entire year. I didnt have any cravings during that year, so I thought it was weird
I decided to give alcohol another shot for some stupid ridiculous reason and was fine for 2 months or so until ultimately I started to get hammered more and more often. So essentially I relapsed heavy again multiple times but was smart enough to get Valium and Clonodine from my Dr so I wouldn't have another seizure or heart attack. I thought that hell, I wasn't going to have a seizure, withdrawals are made easy now because of Valium, why the heck not drink? It was stupid.
I went about 6 months from alcohol back to Valium (72 hours worth), alcohol, back to Valium for withdrawal and I just got sick of it. It was a pain in the a.. My Dr was getting sick and tired of giving me Valium too.
I decided to pony up the 30+ K, take a month + off of work and check myself in to inpatient treatment. So far at three + months it has worked.
I go to AA often now, and am on SR all the time. I figure that during my year of sobriety I never faced alcohol, never spoke about it or craved it, so this time I am tackling it head on. Talk about it all the time.

MattM316

I think it's a case of 'well that was easy, the football is on tomorrow so i'll have a few beers'.
I think it's more out of habit more than anything, and also because it still doesn't feel normal doing certain things without alcohol.
Not even to the point of getting drunk, just having some.
But every time, those few beers lead on to many more and I can end up spending several days or weeks drinking spirits.

I think the one thing that I personally need to get to grips with, is that it's all or nothing.
Having a few pints here and there at the football or whatever might seem to work for a certain period of time, but then the addictive personality kicks in and that just leads to more and more until it gets to the point where it hits me one day and I can barely function.
It's taken a long time, but I know my life has to be 100% alcohol free for it to work.

hypochondriac

So this would be the hurdle to jump right? This is where is stops being easy?

It sounds like you find it easy to quit, to put the drink down but all those early hurdles (I call them sober firsts, doing absolutely everything for the first time sober) is where you're stumbling. Have you thought about getting any support to help you with this? There are a lot of methods of recovery which deal with these issues. Maybe a SMART meeting. There are loads of books out there that deal with the 'thinking' part of the addiction too.

Trooper13

Sorry didn't mean to bother you just figured you knew. I have been worried since I live alone but approaching the end of day 3 I am assuming I am okay. I am feeling a little better each day.