Day 2 is almost over...First Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2
Day 2 is almost over...First Post
My story is a complex one, just like each one of you who are on here. I grew up in a family with two regularly drinking parents. Over time, my parents became full blown alcoholics and are both unhappy with each other, each calling the kettle black. It was hurtful and embarrassing having alcoholic parents, especially my mom. My little brother was arrested for dealing pot, and my baby sister who is 9 years younger than me (she is almost 20) and my mom smoke pot together regularly. I worked hard in high school to get into college, and I did. I didn't drink much in high school because I couldn't hold my liquor. I would without a doubt vomit it all up.
My parents had no money to send me to college or support me while I was there, and I found that the best way to make money was to work at a bar. The bar was a very Cheers like bar meets Billy Joel's entertainer. I got to know everyone, their problems, their drinks, their wives, kids, husbands, favorite foods, and quirks. I made enough money to survive and live well, for a college kid. Eventually the job became first priority. My only friends were the friends who I either worked with or waited on. It was like a secret society. Everyone wanted to be friends with us because we were always having so much fun. We were having so much fun because we were always binge drinking. My day shift would end around 6 p.m. and I would often times stay at the bar taking shots and playing darts until 2 or 3 a.m. The life got to be old after a while.
I met my boyfriend of 8 years about three years after working there. I continued to work there for another 6 years following that. He participated in the lifestyle and my friends became his. He has the record for the most Guinnesses drank there in a single night, 20 ish. He is no angel, but we come from different backgrounds and he can clearly hold his alcohol much better than me.
I got a job teaching and although did not linger around the bar each night, I would drink at home. I got to be overweight (but everyone said that I carried it well) and fell in front of a car once while going to get a pizza drunk. I still have the bruises on my knees to remember that. I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing being so mad at myself. That was Election Day and the day that my cousin was buried from overdosing on heroin. That same year I passed out under a tree headed towards a not so good neighborhood. A random couple walking home from the bar found me and called my friend from my cell phone. I was so embarrassed I made up a story that some weirdo who I used to date may have raped me (well he may have) and my roommate at the time took me to the hospital. I vomited outside of the hospital after they gave me the pill that apparently kills anything that could have been sexually transmitted.
A huge storm came through and literally ripped the roof of of my kitchen forcing me to move. At the time, I was living in a very posh area of the city and could only find an apartment with same day move in outside of the city towards the suburbs. I took it thinking that it would help me to get out of the social situations that I had been so used to while living in the neighborhood where my local bar was, and many other local bars (where I was a regular at most of them).
The move ultimately was good except for the fact that there was a pool and many other alcoholics spent their days at the pool. Being a teacher, I have summers off and partied all day long with other residents. This wasn't a good thing for me. One night, I broke into the pool with some people who I had met there and went skinny dipping. I don't know how I climbed the fence naked to go back to my apartment, but I did. I had to climb the fence first thing in the morning to clean up the beer bottles and find my bra and panties. You would think that would be rock bottom right?
Eventually my boyfriend and I bought a house. His friends started to get married and so the first weekend that we were in our new house we had to travel to Canada to his best friend's wedding. He was in it and I sat at a table with some guests. I got so wasted off of wine that my boyfriend had to leave the wedding early to take me back to the hotel. That was two years ago. Since then I have been much better, but have had random slip ups. At the time of the wedding two years ago, I was the thinnest that I have ever been. . . I probably weighed 105 lbs and I am 5'1. I was hardly eating. I got into the habit of binge eating whenever I was drunk. I would blackout and go into a trance and eat whatever was in the kitchen, especially peanut butter with cereal mixed in it. I am up to 116 now but have squashed that habit after 2 years (finally). I promised my boyfriend that I would never do that at another wedding -PROMISED.
This past Saturday we were at another one of his friend's weddings out of town. I blacked out in the bathroom and vomited all night. I made a complete fool out of myself in front of the entire wedding. The groom's step mom had to carry me over her shoulder into the shuttle. My bf was screaming that he hates me and that I am dead to him. I was most likely in an alcohol induced coma which is scary. My bf's friend died that way years back. I did wake up however, and had the absolute worst guilty feeling ever. My boyfriend actually cried on the way home and is just beginning to act in a kinder way towards me. It broke my heart to put him through that since my mother put me through those kinds of things since I was a child. I know how he feels and it kills me to know that I put him through that.
I'm still struggling with the fact that I should give up drinking altogether. I need to save my relationship and this might be the only way-but our lives involve going to eat and drinking, weddings and drinking, playing games and drinking, grrrr. It's what we do for fun. We don't have children yet, he still hasn't proposed (which bugs me and might be why I get hammered at weddings), and it just seems like its what everyone does. I have made a decision to heavily cut back. I'm only on day 2 of sobriety and want to have realistic expectations for myself. Perhaps I am in denial. Perhaps I can't go to an event like a wedding and only have 2 or 3 drinks. And with me, it's never just one drink. Man this sucks so bad.
I know that people are going to suggest for me to go to AA but I won't. I have a degree in psychology and go to therapy already. I am not religious so AA doesn't appeal to me. I do know however that having a non-judgmental support system is imperative to recovery.
Age: 29
Drink of choice: wine, mostly red
My parents had no money to send me to college or support me while I was there, and I found that the best way to make money was to work at a bar. The bar was a very Cheers like bar meets Billy Joel's entertainer. I got to know everyone, their problems, their drinks, their wives, kids, husbands, favorite foods, and quirks. I made enough money to survive and live well, for a college kid. Eventually the job became first priority. My only friends were the friends who I either worked with or waited on. It was like a secret society. Everyone wanted to be friends with us because we were always having so much fun. We were having so much fun because we were always binge drinking. My day shift would end around 6 p.m. and I would often times stay at the bar taking shots and playing darts until 2 or 3 a.m. The life got to be old after a while.
I met my boyfriend of 8 years about three years after working there. I continued to work there for another 6 years following that. He participated in the lifestyle and my friends became his. He has the record for the most Guinnesses drank there in a single night, 20 ish. He is no angel, but we come from different backgrounds and he can clearly hold his alcohol much better than me.
I got a job teaching and although did not linger around the bar each night, I would drink at home. I got to be overweight (but everyone said that I carried it well) and fell in front of a car once while going to get a pizza drunk. I still have the bruises on my knees to remember that. I sat on my kitchen floor sobbing being so mad at myself. That was Election Day and the day that my cousin was buried from overdosing on heroin. That same year I passed out under a tree headed towards a not so good neighborhood. A random couple walking home from the bar found me and called my friend from my cell phone. I was so embarrassed I made up a story that some weirdo who I used to date may have raped me (well he may have) and my roommate at the time took me to the hospital. I vomited outside of the hospital after they gave me the pill that apparently kills anything that could have been sexually transmitted.
A huge storm came through and literally ripped the roof of of my kitchen forcing me to move. At the time, I was living in a very posh area of the city and could only find an apartment with same day move in outside of the city towards the suburbs. I took it thinking that it would help me to get out of the social situations that I had been so used to while living in the neighborhood where my local bar was, and many other local bars (where I was a regular at most of them).
The move ultimately was good except for the fact that there was a pool and many other alcoholics spent their days at the pool. Being a teacher, I have summers off and partied all day long with other residents. This wasn't a good thing for me. One night, I broke into the pool with some people who I had met there and went skinny dipping. I don't know how I climbed the fence naked to go back to my apartment, but I did. I had to climb the fence first thing in the morning to clean up the beer bottles and find my bra and panties. You would think that would be rock bottom right?
Eventually my boyfriend and I bought a house. His friends started to get married and so the first weekend that we were in our new house we had to travel to Canada to his best friend's wedding. He was in it and I sat at a table with some guests. I got so wasted off of wine that my boyfriend had to leave the wedding early to take me back to the hotel. That was two years ago. Since then I have been much better, but have had random slip ups. At the time of the wedding two years ago, I was the thinnest that I have ever been. . . I probably weighed 105 lbs and I am 5'1. I was hardly eating. I got into the habit of binge eating whenever I was drunk. I would blackout and go into a trance and eat whatever was in the kitchen, especially peanut butter with cereal mixed in it. I am up to 116 now but have squashed that habit after 2 years (finally). I promised my boyfriend that I would never do that at another wedding -PROMISED.
This past Saturday we were at another one of his friend's weddings out of town. I blacked out in the bathroom and vomited all night. I made a complete fool out of myself in front of the entire wedding. The groom's step mom had to carry me over her shoulder into the shuttle. My bf was screaming that he hates me and that I am dead to him. I was most likely in an alcohol induced coma which is scary. My bf's friend died that way years back. I did wake up however, and had the absolute worst guilty feeling ever. My boyfriend actually cried on the way home and is just beginning to act in a kinder way towards me. It broke my heart to put him through that since my mother put me through those kinds of things since I was a child. I know how he feels and it kills me to know that I put him through that.
I'm still struggling with the fact that I should give up drinking altogether. I need to save my relationship and this might be the only way-but our lives involve going to eat and drinking, weddings and drinking, playing games and drinking, grrrr. It's what we do for fun. We don't have children yet, he still hasn't proposed (which bugs me and might be why I get hammered at weddings), and it just seems like its what everyone does. I have made a decision to heavily cut back. I'm only on day 2 of sobriety and want to have realistic expectations for myself. Perhaps I am in denial. Perhaps I can't go to an event like a wedding and only have 2 or 3 drinks. And with me, it's never just one drink. Man this sucks so bad.
I know that people are going to suggest for me to go to AA but I won't. I have a degree in psychology and go to therapy already. I am not religious so AA doesn't appeal to me. I do know however that having a non-judgmental support system is imperative to recovery.
Age: 29
Drink of choice: wine, mostly red
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Sounds like you have a serious problem and if you are an alcoholic like me which it sounds like you are there is scant chance of success at controlling or moderating once you have crossed that line. It really is a decision that you have to make. If you decide you want to stop altogether you will probably have to make some drastic life style changes like avoiding drinking gatherings.
It sounds like your life was in danger more than once. If you do decide this is what you want to do, your boyfriend will have to be on board supporting you.
That means no more drinking around you. These are all hard truths but if you want a fighting chance at staying sober you will need to make those changes. Do you want it that bad?
It will only get worse.
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Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been charaterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 30, lines 1 - 6
Reprinted with permission of AA world services, inc
It sounds like your life was in danger more than once. If you do decide this is what you want to do, your boyfriend will have to be on board supporting you.
That means no more drinking around you. These are all hard truths but if you want a fighting chance at staying sober you will need to make those changes. Do you want it that bad?
It will only get worse.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been charaterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Page 30, lines 1 - 6
Reprinted with permission of AA world services, inc
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi agreg 
sounds like you have a few things to think on, but it's good you've started on it now - I wish I had at 29.
I do believe it has to be all or nothing. When I drink alcohol it changes me and all my good intent goes out the window.
I used to think not drinking would be the most heinous existence, but it's not at all.
I genuinely prefer it that way now
I know you'll find support here - welcome
D
sounds like you have a few things to think on, but it's good you've started on it now - I wish I had at 29.
I do believe it has to be all or nothing. When I drink alcohol it changes me and all my good intent goes out the window.
I used to think not drinking would be the most heinous existence, but it's not at all.
I genuinely prefer it that way now
I know you'll find support here - welcome
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 34
Reading your post is like looking in a mirror. I wouldn't have described myself as an alcoholic, although I surely know I need to stop drinking. I grew up with the same alcoholic parents and it almost tore us all apart. My parents visited me last weekend and my dad was pissed before he arrived. Watching him I finally connected my behaviour to theirs and realised mine was no different. I think labelling as alcoholic or not ends up being less relevant than who wants to live like that? My dad was a shambles and I know that's how I have looked at parties, at weddings, on my own at home. I have decided to just recognise it for what it is, a little drink or a lot of drink, it doesn't make any of us happy or attractive and it slowly sucks everything that's good out of your life.
Enough is enough for me. I am only on Day 3 of being sober, but I am determined! I want a different life for myself. Hope you get there too.
Enough is enough for me. I am only on Day 3 of being sober, but I am determined! I want a different life for myself. Hope you get there too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
agreg
i read your post and saw a bit on you in me. i drank heavy too and blacked out 3 or 4 time a week. i have shamed my wife more times i can count. i also have 14 year old daughter that saw me at times i wish she did not. but looks like you saw the damage alcohol is doing to you and how it hurt your relationship with your BF. that is a good thing i think. i know it really helped me alot. have you tried to join the chat room here? there is a chat room where you can chat in real time to people in our situation. they are great source of help, advice, and encouragement. i was like you in AA was not my cup of tea. i am not religious and i had a hang up with that. but i walked away from AA liking the social support and encouragement. i needed that, and it might help you too. i am 8 months sober now, i feel better than i have ever felt. and for now, i dont think i can drink cause i might return again to a binge drinker.
well i hope to see you there in the chat room. good luck!
i read your post and saw a bit on you in me. i drank heavy too and blacked out 3 or 4 time a week. i have shamed my wife more times i can count. i also have 14 year old daughter that saw me at times i wish she did not. but looks like you saw the damage alcohol is doing to you and how it hurt your relationship with your BF. that is a good thing i think. i know it really helped me alot. have you tried to join the chat room here? there is a chat room where you can chat in real time to people in our situation. they are great source of help, advice, and encouragement. i was like you in AA was not my cup of tea. i am not religious and i had a hang up with that. but i walked away from AA liking the social support and encouragement. i needed that, and it might help you too. i am 8 months sober now, i feel better than i have ever felt. and for now, i dont think i can drink cause i might return again to a binge drinker.
well i hope to see you there in the chat room. good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Birmingham UK
Posts: 3
Hi Agreg,I can relate to you very much..I too am two days sober, marking them off day by day, Im experiencing night/day sweats and insomnia..night terrors, all manageable though for me as I have done my research on the side effects of detoxing at home. Im thinking of it as a bout of the flu...(not recommending this however, as this can be fatal for some who will require medical assistance, consult your G.P) I have already been referred for community detox, where they offer a decreasing dose of valium to counteract withdrawals and cravings, but the waiting list is long, I want to stop now. Im a binge drinker like you..once I start I don't stop till I pass out, and I have kids so I have to stop for them and myself...if you see kids in your future then its the right decision to tackle this now, I too have worked in education and Ive been in therapy for a year, for these and other reasons AA seemed innapropriate for me.. that said I read an article where the writer gives a unique perspective on AA, because of this article Im going to give AA meetings a go..but Im not religious and the thought of standing up in a group, face to face freaks me out! (Im not recommending it) tho I do follow the philosophy 'feel the fear and do it anyway! SR site has been a good start to being honest about my problems with alcohol, unfortunatley I cant yet send the link to the article as my posts are less than 15, will do so in the future..I will post on my experience with AA here in the UK soon. best of luck on your journey. you are making the right decision :-)
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