My first post: Day 6
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Russia
Posts: 9
My first post: Day 6
Hello everybody,
First of all I'd like to say what an amazing community you have here! I've been reading posts and threads for over a year now, knowing I had a problem but not finding the strength to quit.
I'm a 35 y.o. female, married (unhappily), have a wonderful 7y.o. daughter and I am a full-blown, highly functioning closet alcoholic.
I've been drinking for the last 3.5 years, drinking heavily (about 1 litre of vodka + occasional beers, wine or whatever I could get my hands on per day), every single day if I'm off work or every night if I was working that day.
Not a single soul have ever noticed. Not husband, not parents, not friends. Nobody.
Guess I have that "good girl" image.
All physical changes alcohol brings - weight gain, headaches, glossy and red eyes - were always attributed to my systemic arthritis.
My job requires mental excretion, precise hand movements and alertness - I have never failed (thanks God). I am a part-time student and I always pass my exams. I'm running a household and raising a daughter. And yet every night I drink myself into oblivion until I pass out and wake up with a bunch of bruises I don't remember getting.
Today is my day 6 sober.
I had a call from my rheumatologist and she was panicking because my liver enzymes just skyrocketed for no obvious reason (well, not obvious to her).
And I got scared. Not of liver failure, not of dying but of somebody finding out.
So I quit. It might not be the best reason to quit but I did it. I'm doing it one day at a time. It's hard and I'm scared and lonely but I'm going to ignore all 4 liquor stores on my way home from work and I'm going to stay quit.
Thank you for reading this
First of all I'd like to say what an amazing community you have here! I've been reading posts and threads for over a year now, knowing I had a problem but not finding the strength to quit.
I'm a 35 y.o. female, married (unhappily), have a wonderful 7y.o. daughter and I am a full-blown, highly functioning closet alcoholic.
I've been drinking for the last 3.5 years, drinking heavily (about 1 litre of vodka + occasional beers, wine or whatever I could get my hands on per day), every single day if I'm off work or every night if I was working that day.
Not a single soul have ever noticed. Not husband, not parents, not friends. Nobody.
Guess I have that "good girl" image.
All physical changes alcohol brings - weight gain, headaches, glossy and red eyes - were always attributed to my systemic arthritis.
My job requires mental excretion, precise hand movements and alertness - I have never failed (thanks God). I am a part-time student and I always pass my exams. I'm running a household and raising a daughter. And yet every night I drink myself into oblivion until I pass out and wake up with a bunch of bruises I don't remember getting.
Today is my day 6 sober.
I had a call from my rheumatologist and she was panicking because my liver enzymes just skyrocketed for no obvious reason (well, not obvious to her).
And I got scared. Not of liver failure, not of dying but of somebody finding out.
So I quit. It might not be the best reason to quit but I did it. I'm doing it one day at a time. It's hard and I'm scared and lonely but I'm going to ignore all 4 liquor stores on my way home from work and I'm going to stay quit.
Thank you for reading this
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Congrats on day6. I know you aren't asking for advice. But I'm gonna say this is gonna be harder doing this alone. I realize posting here isn't exactly alone. But someone you can actually see or call when the rough spots happen.
I will leave it at that and wish you the best. Keep on posting
Fred
I will leave it at that and wish you the best. Keep on posting
Fred
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Russia
Posts: 9
Thank you.
I'm not asking for advise yet but I'm sure I will. I thought it'd be nice to introduce myself before asking questions and expecting support.
And I do realize it's not going to be easy doing it alone - that's why I'm here. There's nobody to call or talk to here. I'm too afraid of people finding out.
To be honest, I think my story is very generic and I am very, very ashamed of getting myself into this self destruction.
I'm not asking for advise yet but I'm sure I will. I thought it'd be nice to introduce myself before asking questions and expecting support.
And I do realize it's not going to be easy doing it alone - that's why I'm here. There's nobody to call or talk to here. I'm too afraid of people finding out.
To be honest, I think my story is very generic and I am very, very ashamed of getting myself into this self destruction.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Sounds to me your health is in danger. This disease will not stop till your 6 feet under. For me I would rather have people find out that way they can help me. Were glad your here. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Russia
Posts: 9
Yes, my health is definitely compromised. I'm going to do bloodwork weekly for the next 4 weeks on the recommendation of my doctor. If I don't drink (and I'm not going to) I expect the results to get better. If they don't... Well, I'll think about it then.
At least it was caught early before other symptoms appeared.
As for withdrawals I think I'm out of that phase, I tapered down for 2 days before quitting, had a few days of shakes, tremors and anxiety, no symptoms now. Still a chance of DT you think? That's my worst fear
Thank you for advise.
At least it was caught early before other symptoms appeared.
As for withdrawals I think I'm out of that phase, I tapered down for 2 days before quitting, had a few days of shakes, tremors and anxiety, no symptoms now. Still a chance of DT you think? That's my worst fear
Thank you for advise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Russia
Posts: 9
I don't really have a plan yet. Don't see how I can go to AA meetings without my family finding out.
I did find a support group that provides phone counselling, registered by email but haven't called them yet, I don't feel I need to so far.
I'm just really taking it 1 day at a time now, sometimes few hours at a time. Keeping myself occupied helps a lot.
I did find a support group that provides phone counselling, registered by email but haven't called them yet, I don't feel I need to so far.
I'm just really taking it 1 day at a time now, sometimes few hours at a time. Keeping myself occupied helps a lot.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome to SR marinalep. 
Great job on your 6 days sober - be proud.
I drank all my life - way past my 30's - and I'm so glad you're dealing with this now. You'll be saving yourself so much misery down the line. You're right, distracting yourself by keeping busy is important early on. I'm so glad you joined us - hope you find the support you need by being here.
Great job on your 6 days sober - be proud.I drank all my life - way past my 30's - and I'm so glad you're dealing with this now. You'll be saving yourself so much misery down the line. You're right, distracting yourself by keeping busy is important early on. I'm so glad you joined us - hope you find the support you need by being here.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, marinalep.
nobody knew i got drunk most every night, either.
and yeah, the fear of being found out and feeling ashamed...huge!
keep going.
i found that even just after a few days i started smiling a bit more, looking people in the eyes a bit more, the shame-feelings lessening.
after a while, i even told a few people about it. no need to think about that now. it was just cool that i could go from hide hide hide to wanting to tell a few people. the terrifying turned into the wanted.
being sober...increases the possibilities for all kinds of stuff.
good to see you here.
nobody knew i got drunk most every night, either.
and yeah, the fear of being found out and feeling ashamed...huge!
keep going.
i found that even just after a few days i started smiling a bit more, looking people in the eyes a bit more, the shame-feelings lessening.
after a while, i even told a few people about it. no need to think about that now. it was just cool that i could go from hide hide hide to wanting to tell a few people. the terrifying turned into the wanted.
being sober...increases the possibilities for all kinds of stuff.
good to see you here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Russia
Posts: 9
I can't stop thanking you guys, you are great. It feels good and right to finally be able to open up a little.
Not being judged or accused is a relief.
And it might sound wrong but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through hiding and being ashamed.
For me dying from WD or DT was a better option comparing to admitting my alcoholism to friends and family. For quite some time suicide seemed like an attractive way out. But not anymore.
Not being judged or accused is a relief.
And it might sound wrong but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through hiding and being ashamed.
For me dying from WD or DT was a better option comparing to admitting my alcoholism to friends and family. For quite some time suicide seemed like an attractive way out. But not anymore.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
Ur not alone on ur thoughts of suicide. Alcohol causes depression. Its kills. Something tells me your going to be just now. 6 days is great. Ur mind is already clearing. More than what you realize.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
It feels good and right to finally be able to open up a little. Not being judged or accused is a relief.
And it might sound wrong but I'm glad I'm not the only one going through hiding and being ashamed.
Let the healing begin.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 2
I can somewhat relate... I literally hide my "getting ready glass of wine" in the bathroom closet whenever my boyfriend walks in. I also have that good girl image, but have recently tainted it at a wedding. Please contact me if you need a buddy on your road to recovery. I'm only on day 2, but I'm young like you and have been a closet drinker.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 98
Day six is a great start. As far as being honest I think that's the most important part. I told my closest friends I'm not drinking right now and the really close ones that I'm going to a.a meetings. Telling your husband would probably help tremendously and then you can get the help you need from therapists or A.A or the many other methods. Have you admitted your an alcoholic yet? Do you believe that to be true?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Calif
Posts: 757
Marina
hay that was a great post, i thought it was great cause i was able to relate to it is several ways. i drank Vodka too for about the same amount of time. i had traumatic event happen to me and self medicated with alcohol. first beer then vodka due to it is cheaper. i was very high functioning alcoholic like you. i have a high demanding professional career and no one at work suspected i was an alcoholic. i hid it well. just like you did. i was affraid of so many people finding out too.
you mentioned it, you need a plan to stop. stopping cold turkey is difficult, it was for me and i tried many many times and failed. you need a plan that has social support. AA was not for me, i am not a religious person and i just could not connect with the aa idea. i finally discovered this place and started to come here. this place became my AA. i have been coming here every day just like a meeting. i join the chat room here and talk to my friends i made here. they gave me support, hope, encouragement, and ideas to stop drinking. it really helped me. it might help you. also i took up the hobby of Sudoku puzzles to occupy my mind when i want to drink. it was so hard, but no i am 8 months sober and i love it.
in some ways i think you might be a type A personality, just like me. i do not like quitting, restarting, defeated or admitting i was wrong at times. but i took that stubbornness and focused it on stopping drinking with all i had, and it worked.
Marina, if i can do it, i am sure you can too. please join the chat room and talk to some of us there, we love to talk to you. if you need some one to talk too, you can send me a message and can help that way too. but any way,, good luck! please stay sober!
hay that was a great post, i thought it was great cause i was able to relate to it is several ways. i drank Vodka too for about the same amount of time. i had traumatic event happen to me and self medicated with alcohol. first beer then vodka due to it is cheaper. i was very high functioning alcoholic like you. i have a high demanding professional career and no one at work suspected i was an alcoholic. i hid it well. just like you did. i was affraid of so many people finding out too.
you mentioned it, you need a plan to stop. stopping cold turkey is difficult, it was for me and i tried many many times and failed. you need a plan that has social support. AA was not for me, i am not a religious person and i just could not connect with the aa idea. i finally discovered this place and started to come here. this place became my AA. i have been coming here every day just like a meeting. i join the chat room here and talk to my friends i made here. they gave me support, hope, encouragement, and ideas to stop drinking. it really helped me. it might help you. also i took up the hobby of Sudoku puzzles to occupy my mind when i want to drink. it was so hard, but no i am 8 months sober and i love it.
in some ways i think you might be a type A personality, just like me. i do not like quitting, restarting, defeated or admitting i was wrong at times. but i took that stubbornness and focused it on stopping drinking with all i had, and it worked.
Marina, if i can do it, i am sure you can too. please join the chat room and talk to some of us there, we love to talk to you. if you need some one to talk too, you can send me a message and can help that way too. but any way,, good luck! please stay sober!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 26
Fear not of the spiked enzymes, the liver has a remarkable regenerative capability.....if caught in time. This past September when my looking out for your concern parents removed me from my comfortable drunken settings and saw fit to place me with beatnik relatives in a remote area at the foothills of Appalachia in hopes that I would "dry out". Upon their instance, I visited the local Quack for a thorough check up and bloodwork. Unsurprisingly, my AST was at 125 and Bilirubin at 3.0 ...three times higher than need be. Even with this alarming information, after a few days of being held captive I began to announce that I was going on "a nature walk to contemplate my poor soul" . In other words , walk as far as I could out of eyesight and summon the local taxi to escort me to the college town nearby with it's 3-5 bars on each block. I could get away with it several times a week. Eventually, through lies and manipulation,I was able to convince my dear parents that the demon had been cast aside and that I should return to my humble
abode, post haste!
My trials at drinking moderately proved rather unsuccessful and return to excess
developed several months ago. One particularly absurd evening that I will not elaborate
on that occurred a couple of weeks ago, I came to the realization that this must end.
I went to a respectable doctor and explained my condition. He stated to me that based on my previous lab results, and forgive me I am not well versed in medical jargon so I'm paraphrasing here "Volstead, your liver is on the brink of hopping out ,a la "ALIEN", and bopping you repeatedly in the face!" . Another set of labs were immediately ordered. Miraculously, my bilirubin was normal (1.2) and AST only slightly elevated (48). I had been given a second chance. I have every intention on taking advantage if it to the fullest completely sober.
Marinalep, I wish you well on your journey. Please share your progress for inspiration to us all.
Volstead
abode, post haste!
My trials at drinking moderately proved rather unsuccessful and return to excess
developed several months ago. One particularly absurd evening that I will not elaborate
on that occurred a couple of weeks ago, I came to the realization that this must end.
I went to a respectable doctor and explained my condition. He stated to me that based on my previous lab results, and forgive me I am not well versed in medical jargon so I'm paraphrasing here "Volstead, your liver is on the brink of hopping out ,a la "ALIEN", and bopping you repeatedly in the face!" . Another set of labs were immediately ordered. Miraculously, my bilirubin was normal (1.2) and AST only slightly elevated (48). I had been given a second chance. I have every intention on taking advantage if it to the fullest completely sober.
Marinalep, I wish you well on your journey. Please share your progress for inspiration to us all.
Volstead
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