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My levels of acceptance

Old 07-22-2013, 07:21 AM
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Better when never is never
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My levels of acceptance

I've long considered myself and alcoholic and been aware that drinking has been causing serious negative impacts in my life. So, I never considered the issue of acceptance to be a problem for me. Then I wrote down the following to analyze my "acceptance".

I accept that I have drunk too much for a long time (over 25 years).
I accept that I have rarely demonstrated controlled drinking.
I accept that I have almost never adhered to a plan to quit for a temporary time, even with good reason.
I accept that many problems in my life are caused by drinking.
I accept that my drinking contributes to my general unhappiness.
I accept that I have an obsession with drinking.
I accept that after the first drink, that I have cravings for more.
But accept that I need to quit for life…whoa!, whoa!, let's slow down, that seems a bit drastic to me.

Obviously, there is an aspect of acceptance that relates to what I need to do about my alcoholism, but this is a very touchy point for me. Any experience on how to strengthen this part of my acceptance?
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Old 07-22-2013, 07:36 AM
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I "voluntarily" entered treatment many years ago, albeit under threat of legal consequences, and I easily acknowleged that alcohol hd become a problem. After all, therre was a laundry list of lost jobs, missed appointments, failed relationships, extreme depression, DWIs....these suggested even to me that alcohol was not my friend.
Yet even while in treatment I was planning one last "blow out" after my discharge. That didn't happen, I am glad to say, but I thought about. A lot. While I recognized that I had a problem, I still harbored some piece of hope that I could control it.
Treatment helped me understand that my personal decline correlated with my increase in alcohol consumption--and that I was an alcoholic even between drinks. The magic word was "surrender," and until I did that absolutely, without reservation, I would drink again.
There is no question in my mind that I can drink without consequences. If I had even a sliver of doubt about that I would probably give it a try. I would believe that I could handle just one more, or that I could return from a binge.
Admission is not the same as acceptance. I recall hearing people say, "Compliance is the most resistant form of denial," and today I understand that. I walked into treatment admitting that I had a problem, and that kept them from trying to pummel the denial out of me. But it wasn't the same as accepting, from the root of my soul and with every fiber of my being. That is what has kept me sober all these 24 hours, and it is why drinking alcohol does not even occur to me.
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:00 AM
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murrill, thanks for that. So, if I may ask, what is the "how to do" for deep acceptance and surrender?
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:18 AM
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I had accepted (or at least thought I had accepted) that I'd drink my whole life. After all, no one I knew personally had ever recovered from alcoholism. I don't know what changed for me, other than calling it a miracle. In a moment of clarity I saw what my drinking was, where it was headed, and what I had to do. The minute I accepted sobriety as my only option, I did everything in my power to achive it.

The addiction has it's grip on you tightly. I wish I had the answer for turning the switch on for you, jazz. But I don't. I do know that as long as you accept the status quo of drinking and all the chaos it brings, you'll drink.
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by jazzfish View Post
murrill, thanks for that. So, if I may ask, what is the "how to do" for deep acceptance and surrender?
Wish I had a "one size fits all" answer for you, although I think that the fact you are asking means you could be headed in that direction. It was during "the olden days" when I ws treatment, and we had to write a 1st step. I'm very logical, and I like evidence-based information. I chronicled my drinking hiistory, and I looked at my life's decline. They were in sync! It made sense! I didn't drink because I was miserable. I was miserable because I drank!
At the time I sobered up the "disease concept" was very popular. Whether you agree or disagree with it--I am ambivalent myself--it helped. I found a place where I could begin to forgive myself a bit while also embracing hope that I could be helped.
I had hurt enough, and the hope that there was help sustained me. Without that I am not sure I would have been willing to surrender.
Good luck to you.
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:41 AM
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Unfortunately in my experience I chose to try drinking ONE more time (more than once) and feel the results before I really accepted that I can't drink again, ever, unless I want to live those consequences. Like when someone rubs a dog's face in it's own mess to teach it not to crap on the rug..that was what I had to do to myself.

eventually, reminding myself of the reality of what will happen if I drink again, renews my acceptance. A list, photo, etc of the reality of our drunk days can serve as that reminder if we need a concrete one.

Instead of torturing myself with the "I cannot drink again EVER" (beats breast and heaps ashes on head) I use the blander "I'm a nondrinker"...that's pretty easy to swallow. There are many non drinkers, it's really not that dramatic or extreme...it really helps me when I cut the drama out. I was all kinds of addicted to drama.
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Threshold View Post
Instead of torturing myself with the "I cannot drink again EVER" (beats breast and heaps ashes on head) I use the blander "I'm a nondrinker"...that's pretty easy to swallow. There are many non drinkers, it's really not that dramatic or extreme...it really helps me when I cut the drama out. I was all kinds of addicted to drama.
A good point. When I quit smoking it becaqme easier when I decided that I wanted to be a non-smoker. To say, "I'm trying to quit" conjured pictures of anguish, and it gave me a loophole. If I though of myself as a non-smoker then the option was no longer on the table.
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:52 AM
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jazzfish thank you....I'm only as sober as you right now....as I buzzed through your list -- yes to all the accepts -- and no hesitation for the last one (except you put "but" first! lol)

Seriously, only for a few things do I know exactly what is going to happen today. In a few minutes I could step off the stoop and break my neck. Well, I've decided to spend these last few minutes if not the rest of my day sober.

Maybe I'm trying to make this fit:

but at my AA meeting last night two old-times one with 51 years and other with 22 years....said they go to meetings regularly because that is what works for them and helps them live sober....they said why quit something that has been working exceptionally well for that long period of time.

I thought of my blood pressure that is now well within limits ... why should I quit taking it if it's working? Giving the results it's suppose to? Helping me manage a health-threatening condition?

Other meds. I'm taking the doc said I'd be taking the rest of my life. I'm ok with that.

Quitting drinking, living sober, works. There is no guarantee when we drink either, but I'd rather die sober.

My best to you....you are doing well!
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Old 07-22-2013, 08:55 AM
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Jazzfish,
for me, the real turnaround came when i knew myself to be a drunk. it was a moment of clarity where i went from 'i have this problem with alcohol' to 'this is who i am'.
a totally different thing: i had accepted my behaviours and usual inability to control the stuff/myself around the stuff, but it was still all about what i was doing. in that moment, i saw that it's about who i am.
which is where it is similar to what murrill says: and that I was an alcoholic even between drinks.

when i saw that, something changed. the 'never' that was impossible for me to stick to or really fathom while i was seeing this as a behaviour/actions around booze became an immediate obvious relief-of-sorts that now that i know who i am, there is no question about it.

i realize this is not helpful in terms of a "how-to", but it's all i got!
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Old 07-22-2013, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by fini View Post
Jazzfish,
for me, the real turnaround came when i knew myself to be a drunk. it was a moment of clarity where i went from 'i have this problem with alcohol' to 'this is who i am'.
a totally different thing: i had accepted my behaviours and usual inability to control the stuff/myself around the stuff, but it was still all about what i was doing. in that moment, i saw that it's about who i am.
Really well put! I hadn't articulated it to myself but I think this was part of my turning point, too. I realized that the drinking was no longer an aspect of my identity, it was subsuming my identity. So choosing to drink is not just choosing my activity for the evening... it's choosing an identity. And one I don't want!
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Old 07-22-2013, 02:57 PM
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I nearly died...and I still had trouble accepting that I could never drink again.

What I did was make a commitment I would not drink today...I remade that commitment every morning...I also worked hard at making myself the person I wanted to be...I could accept I didn't need alcohol for that.

I deal with stuff sober, I sorted out some old baggage - I grew and I changed.

I began to like who I was and the life I was building.

Forever no long seemed frightening, it seemed...right. It fit.

That was the moment I knew I really accepted I was an alcoholic and could not drink again, not if I wanted to be who I wanted to be.

D
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Old 07-22-2013, 04:32 PM
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Like Dee, I don't drink today. I can choose to drink any time I wish to, but seriously, I don't need any of the consequences I've had in my past, so I just keep not drinking today.

Forever? Forever isn't yet here......and yes, that is a difficult thing to grasp for this alcoholic!
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Old 07-23-2013, 01:22 AM
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I really try to live one day at a time and not only when it comes to drinking.

If I have a lazy Saturday and get nothing done I may feel that I was a little too lazy that day and I should have done more but I don't let that dictate my Sunday. Sunday is day one again. I don't play catch up for my lazy Saturday but I also don't use it as en excuse to be lazy again. I play each day as it comes.

Having said that I drank for 26 years and that time seemed to fly by when I look back now. Not drinking for 26 years does not seem so daunting to me. I only have this one life and it is time to live it. I wasted much of the first half, I will be damned if I waste the second half.
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