niijikwe

My ABF has been a drinker for 30 years. I asked him the other day if he felt any of the bad feelings *I* had felt while drinking.

I listed off:
Hang over
blacking out and not remembering the night before
panic and anxiety the next day
being embarassed over stuff the next day
the money wasted

None of those bothered him. He genuinely seemed as though none of them were a problem. I KNOW he blacks out and doesnt remember the night before almost every single night. I asked him if he hates that feeling like I do, and wonders what he did, or if he said anything bad or embarrassing. He said no. I asked him how he could NOT feel that way. He said he didnt know, but it isnt that bad of a feeling. He said drinking makes him feel good and happy and friendly.

I asked if he had anxiety at all during hang overs. He said he doesnt think so and asked me to describe what it feels like. He said no he doesnt really feel that. Then he said, maybe I just dont know how good I COULd feel, because Ive been drinking so long?

He's an every day drinker, and has been for a long long time. so he never has a day or two to experience a different feeling.

wanttobepure

He's in denial.

Justfor1

Yes, for many years alcohol kept my depression and anxiety at bay. The depression still lingered but I received many benefits from drinking a few beers after work. It worked great and I was comfortable. As the years went by the benefits decreased and the consequences increased.

gaffo

For me it took at LEAST 3 months of no drinking before I started to appreciate how good it felt to be sober, for the purposes of comparison. If something could have given me five minutes of this feeling I might have quit a lot earlier. I thought I liked drinking but now I really can't see how!

Climber122

I didn't just like it, I LOVED it. Everything about it - the buzz, the taste, the good times. I loved it so much that i didn't see it turning on me. I was obsessed. That's why I didn't notice neglecting my kids, wasting the family's money and being completely afraid and lonely when not drunk! I didn't realize how much better sobriety is

ElegantlyWasted

Nahhh; in retrospect was never really fun for me. I was just experimenting and trying to front a rebel bad boy image to seem cool. Then it got to a point where it served the more real purpose of self medicating some anxiety and as an escape from reality and responsibilities.

"He's an every day drinker, and has been for a long long time. so he never has a day or two to experience a different feeling."

That day or two really needs to be longer IMHO.

Kinda like smoking too. I really think you need some time without the substance to adjust to a more normal equilibrium. In the mean time those feeling of relaxation and ease are just getting rid of withdrawal symptoms.

FeenixxRising

Sure, when I was able to control my drinking I enjoyed the buzz, the party atmosphere (I never drank alone), the fun times. Even now I enjoy the first two hours or so of beer drinking. But I'm unable to stop and then it turns into hell. The next day is the worst part; the hangover, the deep depression, the disappointment, not remembering what I did, or regretting what I did etc. etc.

So overall, it's not enjoyable or fun. Long term it's not fun. Two hours of feeling good isn't worth 20+ hours of downright excruciating physical and emotional pain.

least

At the very beginning drinking helped me calm down and not get too anxious when my kids came home from high school... but it didn't take long for it to turn on me and take away my self respect and the respect of my kids.

GracieLou

He probably does not know what normal is or that drinking is causing any issues at all. I know I did not. It was so much a part of my routine and life it was like someone asking me if I could go without my right arm.

It was not until my right arm started beating me over the head that I realized I could not longer trust it.

Once I stopped I realized that my drinking was a way to escape the pain and resentments I have been holding on to. They were also around so long I did not think I could live without them. I thought they were a part of me and defined me to the point that letting go of them was losing a part of myself.

Wastinglife

I experienced all the things you described. I the embarassment and guilt was always very hard to deal with. I could handle the physical feelings the next day after a binge, but the psychological ones really took a toll on me.

wheresthefun

Not the first time I've repeated this quote, by another SR member (I have his permission ):

"I liked drinking when it was voluntary, not so much when it became mandatory." - Itchy

DrSober

I enjoyed the drinking in the immediate, hedonic sense. It was a warm security blanket I could wrap myself in on a nightly basis. Unfortunately it kept me apart from my wife and also warped by thinking and set me up for later being hospitalized for drug-related issues. It's also a little disturbing in retrospect (now that I'm sober) that I felt compelled to drink every night.

awuh1

niijikwe, I don’t know how to ask this delicately so I’ll just be straight forward about it. Does he seem to have much of a conscience? If not, you might want to rethink that relationship.

GreenEggsAndHam

One thing I learned is that denial is not merely denying to others that you have a problem, but genuinely not seeing the problem at all. I was like that for 27 years. I honestly thought everyone else was odd for not drinking so much that they experience these things. It was normal to me.

DarkDays

I remember a couple of years ago at a party in a marquee looking at the bottle of beer in my hand and really looking at it and thinking to myself , god this whole drinking thing is just so dull.

Think first couple of months out of the 3o years i was drinking it may have been exciting , as any mind altering drug would be to a wayward teenager.

Scary how I used view non drinking peeps, when all along they where the real cool different ones unlike me who was part of the seething herd.

Soberpotamus

Well, since this is about his drinking and not yours, it's really hard to respond appropriately, in my opinion.

It's pretty clear you see these negative consequences, and he doesn't... or at least, he's not being honest with himself yet.

So until he starts to experience these consequences enough that it bothers him, not much you can do about it.

Grungehead

I liked alcohol until it stopped working for me, then I became a slave to it. The last couple of years drinking was more like self-torture yet I kept drinking. It took a long time to quit working for me and it also took a long time after it quit working for me before I quit.

Carlotta

My best friend is that way. He admits being an alcoholic (no denial there). He is a binge drinker who goes in blackouts, not every time he drinks bad things happen but every time bad things happen he has been drinking, when he comes down binging he gets really bad hangovers (basically he detoxes once a month) yet he still calls it "having a good time".
It baffles me but I learned to accept it. It's not his time yet and it is what it is, I don't allow other people's addiction to make me sick anymore. Took a long time and it was a long road and there are still times when my codependency tries to kick in. Feel free to join us in the double winner thread and read and post there http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html

FeenixxRising

That's such a great quote; completely true and succinctly written.

Dee74

I enjoyed drinking for a long time...but gradually it turned...but when I didn't enjoy it anymore, I still told people I did.

I have friends who still drink like I used to and seem to suffer no outward signs of turmoil...either they really have no problem with it (some people appear to have pretty basic expectations for their lives & that's their prerogative) or like me, they don't want to admit a problem.

D