chicory

My son is an A, with anxiety , and adhd issues. He has been self medicating, to deal, and alcoholism runs rampant in the family. He has been with me, off and on for the last 6 years. Lots of time not drinking, due to not being able to hold jobs. His mental issues have always put him at a disadvantage, and at 41 , he has nothing. He is a smart guy, and kind and loveable. until he drinks. then he will spend time in his room til the alcohol is gone, living his internet life. My heart aches for him, but my anger about it is terrible. First my parents, now my son.

I have been part of SR for a while now, and it has helped me to deal with a lot of terrible times. But I have finally come to see that I need to stop throwing pillows under his bottom. I need to shake things up, and force him to do something different. I began counseling recently, and she is helping me to face this.

The counselor has been doing this for 25 years. She is experienced in dual diagnosis, and has suggested an intervention. She is more of the mind that he would need more than just treatment for alcoholism, as the goal of an intervention, the conditions being evaluation and help for any mental issues, as well as getting help for his addiction to alcohol and any other thing he can abuse.

I am just so sad and hopeless about it all. She did say that she has seen it work for many people- people whose family thought it would never work for them.

I have gone too long doing nothing, but hoping that things would 'magically' get better, I guess. I need courage, and some positive shares on a successful intervention would help me right now. I am building up courage to come out of my safe place, and do something. He needs help, and wont get it if I dont do something different.

I dont give money, just provide a place to live. he works some, gets money, and I think he tries to moderate, but ends up drinking all day.

I have a tiny hopeful feeling that he wants help. He knows he has a problem. He has admitted to me, during a calm loving talk that he knows alcohol does him no favors. the one time he went to a counseling session, he came back feeling more at peace than I had seen him. He has anger , and when I try to talk about him abusing his self, it leads to outbursts of anger ( if he is drinking) and I cannot continue to walk on egg shells and I cannot continue to watch him drink away his life.

I am praying for courage and strength. My parents were both alcoholics and I grew up being the caretaker, and that is why I am in the situation I am in, I guess. it is what I do the best, take care of others.

I know he will get worse and worse. I am finally ready to do something else. His long stretches of sobriety ( when he has no money) have proved to be only temporary , not signs of change. This last time, before he got a job, he had been sober for a year, but I knew that he would most likely drink again. and he did, and lost his job.

I do appreciate any thoughts, and shares. I read a lot on SR, and I am so impressed with you recovering A's. Anyone who can put down that drink, and work through lifes problems, and help others along the way, well, that is a beautiful and strong person. I cannot imagine my son ever being like any one of you here, working a program. not in my wildest dreams can I think it. It is my dearest dream tho. But it does happen, people recover, people who maybe no one believed they would. But here you are. And I am glad for you, I really am.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and for being here, SR.
It helps to share , and to hear feedback,
chicory

artsoul

My heart goes out to you, chicory... you've been through so much already with this disease. I don't have any experience with interventions, but I think having other people there to support you in setting boundaries is a really good idea. I have been to treatment (in a dual diagnosis rehab) and can't speak highly enough of the experience. Would he be at all open to the idea?

I'm not very good at giving tough love to my children, either. But your son knows you love him and he also knows in his heart that things need to change.

Anna

Chicory, I am so very sorry for the pain you are feeling for your son.

I also have anxiety which led to self-medication with alcohol. I did not go to rehab or treatment. I drank for a period of about 3 years and almost lost everything. I have thought that an intervention would have helped me. I have to say that I would have been enormously angry at the time, but I felt so alone and no idea what to do.

This disease is horrible and I pray that your son finds his way. I'm glad that you find hope from those of us (and there are many) who are succeeding.

chicory

Thank you Artsoul and Anna, for responding so kindly.

Artsoul, I do think it is possible that he may agree to it, as that would be the suggestion/boundary during the intervention. The counselor knows of a few good dual treatment places nearby. maybe even long term outpatient for him.

Anna,
Thank you, for sharing. I am glad you are here. To me, it is a very happy miracle, to see people beat this disease. It is so encouraging. Because I know that my son is not a special case... there are others quite like him, getting well now.

hugs

Pondlady

I don't have any experience with an intervention, or rehab....but just wanted to let you know what a special person you are....you deserve some peace and happiness.

chicory

Thank you Pondlady. You are always so kind. I could use some peace, that is for sure!

Fandy

I don't have any experience with rehab or intervention either...my bottom was seriously considering suicide back in Feb. 2010.... booze exacerbates depression.
But what i pick up on in your posts is that your son WANTS change...he previously went to live with his father, seeking it...he might do well with some guidance.
You have Certainly changed your thoughts since beginning therapy...you are thinking outside the box.
Don't let your son cause you to repeat the Codie patterns and roles you played with your parents..
How will you cope with an advanced addiction pattern when he is 51 and you have less strength and are retired?
This might give you better options and certainly help him break his destructive pattern, he broke your interior door last week, i worry he might hit you...it is terrible to think this, but it happened to me, my daughter once cracked a rib on me.

venuscat

Hmmmm.....darling chic. So hard.

OK...I have experience with an intervention, on me.
Sad to say it didn't work.
I was furious....I couldn't hear my sister and her doctor friend.

But this doesn't mean I don't believe in them....
I worry that Fandy is right.
If you don't take this action, what is going to be different ten years from now?

It sounds like you have a wonderful counsellor, and perhaps it is best to follow her lead.
It can't hurt to try....
and you will have all of our support every step of the way.

I hope this isn't confusing or unhelpful.

I love you, and I want some of this awful fear and stress out of your life.

Venus xx

chicory

Thank you Fandy and Venuscat.

I appreciate you girls and your thoughts on this.
Yes Fandy, I am getting my head out of the sand, with help. It will only get worse, if things just go on as they are. People need more than a place to stay. I am sure it is like a prison, when you are just existing and a prisoner to alcohol.

My counselor says that I appear to feel 'stuck', and she is right.
Venus, do you think that the intervention did not work, did not even influence you at all? This intervention would be his sisters, me, an aunt or two, lovingly telling him how he has affected us, and that we love him, and will support him in his efforts to get help.

It may not work, but doing nothing will surely not work either. there is a chance, so it should be tried. he loves his family , we are very close.

I do worry that his depression may lead him to feeling suicidal, eventually.
I did tell the counselor that we had no money for things like this, but she said that there are ways to do it, ways to get help, and places to help, within our means.

thanks for your support, I can't express how much it means to me.

venuscat

I think that the intervention on me did not work because it was done badly.
Without enough thought or preparation.

I believe that it CAN work, and it sounds to me that you have all thought it through,
and are willing to act in a loving and HELPFUL way.

I think, if you are asking, that you should do this chic.

I agree with your conclusions; I had major depression for a long time.
Only Venus kept me alive.
Thank God ~ but it was no life. It was hell. Pure and simple.

If I had had loving and understanding and enlightened people such as you in my life,
I do believe I would have heard them....

Love Venus xx

gaffo

No one ever intervened on me but I do/did remember all the serious things that people said to me about my drinking over the years and I think it eventually helped. I wonder if it affected the timing of my sobriety?

chicory

Thanks Gaffo.
I don't think that my sons friends have ever actually been honest with him, but a couple of his closest friends did tell me of their concerns.

My family is not the sort to speak out, they avoid confrontation, and try to keep an even keel most of the time.

I know that it helps me when people I trust give me an honest opinion, instead of just not rocking the boat.

I am glad people cared enough about you Gaffo, to share their concerns with you, and I am glad you are here, living a sober life!

Fandy

I would include his close friends if you trust them...it might mean more coming from them instead of just the mama, the sisters and aunt...(all female), maybe a male friend.

You will do this in a professional guided way, not blustering through, your counselor will give you many ideas, and we all stick our heads in the sand sometimes. The important thing is that you are DOING, not sitting and waiting. please keep us updated.

chicory

((9fandy))) The counselor did say that there is a long process, of everyone becoming informed about what needs to be said and how it is said. it sounds sort of complicated. she said that it has to be done properly, with a lot of preparation.
At first I thought to leave his dad out of it, since he is a dumbazz in lots of ways, but son really loves his dad, and they have been very close. only prob would be his wife- a know it all beyotch who admits to doing things I cannot believe, and always sabotaging my childrens relationship with him. of course dad is responsible, firstly, but I want no part of her there. none. I would probably hit her over the head with something if she even shows up at my house. the slapomatic would not even touch what she deserves.... anyway...

yes, I think friends are going to be an important part of this, even though they party , and drink some... they are functional, while he is not so much.

this wont happen overnight, but I am going to be researching all I can, and continue my counseling.

hugs
chic

EndGameNYC

It sounds as though your counselor is a good resource for an intervention. Does she provide this service? Can she refer you to someone who does?

Your best bet seems to be to contact a person or organization that provides intervention services, and then schedule a consultation in order to learn more about what this process entails.

Interventions are typically staged for people who cannot or will not stop on their own, and who generally carry mental health issues as well. In other words, they work best for people who are truly desperate; the "patient" as will as the patient's friends and family.

Though you're obviously not thrilled with your ex and his wife, generally the more people in the room who can make a difference, the better. Interventions are about saving people's lives through support. Interventions often do work, and one of the key elements of the process is the planning stage, second only to skilled, thoughtful and caring execution.

You can also ask your counselor about CRAFT -- Community Reinforcement and Family Training -- a set of strategies that enable a family member to help the problem drinker/alcoholic get professional help. With CRAFT, you'll learn how to better manage the chaos and heartbreak that inevitably accompany dealing with an active alcoholic. Elements of CRAFT are either intentionally or incidentally included in most intervention scenarios.

Each step you take in coming to grips with this issue will make you stronger, and you may be amazed if/when there is a favorable outcome from all your hard work. Even if your son eventually declines treatment, you will have learned how to take better care of yourself in an extremely painful and volatile situation.

Finally, all the help in the world -- though it may help you -- will not help your son if he continues living in the ways you've described. One of the assumptions in interventions is that there is a healthy part of the person that truly wants to get well, and that can best be accessed through care, concern and support. Yet if he's determined to continue harming himself -- and you -- not even the best interventionist can persuade your son to seek treatment.

Wastinglife

hi chicory,
I think I can relate to your son. I have ADD and like your son I also use alcohol to self-medicate. I am 36 and was only diagnosed two years ago while in rehab for drinking. I go thru the same pattern of cycling thru short periods of employment. I knew I had ADD years ago, but had no one who could really understand what it's like to go thru life as an underachiever despite very high potential. ADD is a neurological disorder that is very real and can really be crippling. I am stopped drinking and have been on medication to control my ADD and I am slowly putting my life together.

I actually sought out help after hitting rock bottom with my drinking. I think an intervention would be beneficial too your son, but he has to want help.

chicory

thank you so much, Endgame, and Wastinglife, for your thoughtful posts.
Endgame, I appreciate the info, and will be sure to ask my counselor about Craft. She actually does interventions, and has been doing them for a long while. She told me that in 20 years she has only seen one person actually leave the intervention. She stressed that there is a lot of planning and caring work that goes into them. Coming at my son from a place of love is very important. I know that, and God forgive me for getting angry sometimes, at my son, when he does thoughtless things, or abuses his self-it frightens me, and I express that by getting angry. I am angry, at the disease.

Wasting, I am so so happy that you are getting help. I want to say, keep it up. Do what ever you need to, to rebuild your life. I know it must be difficult and it breaks my heart to think of how it must have been for you and my son too, to try to get along in a world, without the tools you needed. you are learning about and getting your tools... I am truly happy, and grateful for your post. It is good to hear from someone like my son, who can relate to him. and it is good to hear that it can be overcome.
I wish you the very best. Realizing your potential, that is wonderful. Take good care.

I hope that my son will someday be able to say the same things as you, Wasting. with all my heart I wish it.

I do believe that he does want better, but is in denial. Denial may help momentarily, but it sure screws up a persons chances in the world.

Fandy

It sounds like your son might also be bored with not having anything positive in his life. He may be very open to learning some new skills to Help him achieve a new lifestyle with more independence.
He's mature, older and although he acts childish at times, he his partially logical and hasnt lost touch with the reality of his circumstances.

chicory

Fandy,
yesterday, when I left for work, he was up, and sober, after afew days of being fairly well tipsy. I talked kindly to him, told him about the new kitties. outside. asked him to feed the inside kitties at four, etc... he was relieved that I wasn't upset with him , I think. I put disappointment aside, and just let him know I love him. told him so. I could tell he softened, felt a bit humbled I think, from his attitude. I hope so much for him that he will be able to talk to someone he can relate to, and get hope from. I am sure he does not want to waste his days, his life.
he was frustrated yesterday, at no job, no opportunities, and I was leaving for work and had no time to talk. i am not good to talk to, for him, because I never know what to say. he gets more frustrated, but I can tell he really needs to talk.

thanks fands, for being here. you are special.

Fandy

Maybe he can find some outside the box employment....dogwalking? Shelters? Flyer delivery?
Know one knows the right thing to say, But it sounds like he drinks a lot of the time due to boredom.