Please Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Please Help
Hello All
I am new to this forum and joined not only for additional support for my recovery but also because I am in dire need of assistance.
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I just wanted to share as much info as I could on this situation.
I have been in AA for about 9 years. During this time I have accumulated about 7 years of sobriety but not consecutively. I am currently sober for a little over 3 months.
My husband is severely mentally and emotionally abusive to both me and our 8 y/o daughter. He is also an alcoholic but is a highly functioning type and although he will admit he's an alcoholic, he refuses to stop drinking. The abuse has escalated over the years and the worst of it has come after we bought our first home. We were having very poor luck finding a home within our price range in the area we were living in but found an unbelievable deal on a foreclosure about an hour away. Although I was very excited about buying a home, I was terrified of moving away from my home group, my parents and everyone in my support system. But when I communicated my concerns to my husband, he told me that I was not going to take this away from him and he was buying he house with or without me. So we made the move.
As a result of my alcoholism, I do not currently have a driver's license. My husband will not take me to local meetings and will not let someone else take me because he has to get up very early to go to work and doesn't want to have to stay up with our daughter waiting for me to get home.
I was sober for almost 3 years when we moved here. In the 2 years we've been here, I have had multiple relapses. My husband was brewing his own beer and making moonshine in our basement. At any given time there was anywhere from 10-30 gallons of beer in the house. Sometimes he would threaten to kick me out of the house when I drank and sometimes he would not only allow me to drink, but would also encourage it. He finally stopped the brewing and moonshine production after my parents threatened to call the police to report the moonshine. But of course this has just escalated the abuse.
With the help of my sponsor, and also because I have a head full of AA, I have managed to keep my relapses brief and relatively uneventful. But although there is no longer gallons of the stuff in the house, there is still always alcohol around. This, combined with the stress of the constant abuse, creates an environment in which it is very challenging to maintain my sobriety.
The abuse has reached a daily frequency. It is horribly painful and I can no longer just sit here like a beaten dog wih my head down while he does the same to our child.
He says all the time that if I leave, he will take her away from me. As I said, he's a highly functioning alcoholic. He's never been in jail or in trouble as a result of his drinking. This is not the case with me. I'm terrified he will get custody of her if I leave. I've spoken with a lawyer. She told me I will likely need at least one year of proven sobriety to guarantee custody. But I don't think I can wait that long. The abuse is just too intolerable. And there is also the chance he may instigate a divorce anyway. He hates my guts. I can see it every time he looks at me. I also think he may be cheating on me. Or at least close to it. I have to do something but I'm so afraid.
I have so many people who will support me back where I came from. And a safe, stable, alcohol-free place to stay with my parents. I had a strong, quality recovery there before I left. I went to meetings every night. If my sobriety should be the most important thing, then how can I continue to stay in such a toxic environment?
If anyone has any insight into my situation, I would be so grateful if you could share it with me.
I am new to this forum and joined not only for additional support for my recovery but also because I am in dire need of assistance.
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I just wanted to share as much info as I could on this situation.
I have been in AA for about 9 years. During this time I have accumulated about 7 years of sobriety but not consecutively. I am currently sober for a little over 3 months.
My husband is severely mentally and emotionally abusive to both me and our 8 y/o daughter. He is also an alcoholic but is a highly functioning type and although he will admit he's an alcoholic, he refuses to stop drinking. The abuse has escalated over the years and the worst of it has come after we bought our first home. We were having very poor luck finding a home within our price range in the area we were living in but found an unbelievable deal on a foreclosure about an hour away. Although I was very excited about buying a home, I was terrified of moving away from my home group, my parents and everyone in my support system. But when I communicated my concerns to my husband, he told me that I was not going to take this away from him and he was buying he house with or without me. So we made the move.
As a result of my alcoholism, I do not currently have a driver's license. My husband will not take me to local meetings and will not let someone else take me because he has to get up very early to go to work and doesn't want to have to stay up with our daughter waiting for me to get home.
I was sober for almost 3 years when we moved here. In the 2 years we've been here, I have had multiple relapses. My husband was brewing his own beer and making moonshine in our basement. At any given time there was anywhere from 10-30 gallons of beer in the house. Sometimes he would threaten to kick me out of the house when I drank and sometimes he would not only allow me to drink, but would also encourage it. He finally stopped the brewing and moonshine production after my parents threatened to call the police to report the moonshine. But of course this has just escalated the abuse.
With the help of my sponsor, and also because I have a head full of AA, I have managed to keep my relapses brief and relatively uneventful. But although there is no longer gallons of the stuff in the house, there is still always alcohol around. This, combined with the stress of the constant abuse, creates an environment in which it is very challenging to maintain my sobriety.
The abuse has reached a daily frequency. It is horribly painful and I can no longer just sit here like a beaten dog wih my head down while he does the same to our child.
He says all the time that if I leave, he will take her away from me. As I said, he's a highly functioning alcoholic. He's never been in jail or in trouble as a result of his drinking. This is not the case with me. I'm terrified he will get custody of her if I leave. I've spoken with a lawyer. She told me I will likely need at least one year of proven sobriety to guarantee custody. But I don't think I can wait that long. The abuse is just too intolerable. And there is also the chance he may instigate a divorce anyway. He hates my guts. I can see it every time he looks at me. I also think he may be cheating on me. Or at least close to it. I have to do something but I'm so afraid.
I have so many people who will support me back where I came from. And a safe, stable, alcohol-free place to stay with my parents. I had a strong, quality recovery there before I left. I went to meetings every night. If my sobriety should be the most important thing, then how can I continue to stay in such a toxic environment?
If anyone has any insight into my situation, I would be so grateful if you could share it with me.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I’m assuming you live in the U.S. I would consider making an anonymous call to child protective services. Ask them what would likely happen given your circumstances if you reported the abuse. Then you can have a better idea of what to expect. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and there are abuse shelters where you can safely stay until everything gets sorted out.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
You know why you stay. You don't want to lose custody of your daughter and are afraid for her in the custody of your husband. She's already suffering, and the more you delay moving out of that house and into your parents' home and getting sober, the less control that you are going to have over the situation as it worsens. The question that you need to ask yourself is whether or not you are willing to take a risk in order to improve the lives of you and your daughter. And yes, it is a risk. There are no guarantees that you will get what you want. If the answer is yes, you need to get a lawyer and focus entirely on becoming sober and independent. The lawyer will navigate you through the divorce and custody battles.
Important: get the lawyer and his or her advice first.
Important: get the lawyer and his or her advice first.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: California
Posts: 228
Your husband wants full custody of your daughter but he won't even take care of her while you go to a meeting? He sounds like he's full of BS.
Right now, work on your sobriety with all your might. You might also find it helpful to post on the friends and family section (there is a "double winner" thread which you might find useful). Also, document, document, document. Keep a journal of his abuse (it could be useful in court). Take photos of his moonshine and beer-making stuff. Just because he has not gotten a DUI doesn't mean he is not alcoholic (why would anyone make moonshine??). This is useful court evidence if it comes down to that. You are working on your sobriety and that is important.
Best to you!
Right now, work on your sobriety with all your might. You might also find it helpful to post on the friends and family section (there is a "double winner" thread which you might find useful). Also, document, document, document. Keep a journal of his abuse (it could be useful in court). Take photos of his moonshine and beer-making stuff. Just because he has not gotten a DUI doesn't mean he is not alcoholic (why would anyone make moonshine??). This is useful court evidence if it comes down to that. You are working on your sobriety and that is important.
Best to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks to all of you so much for your great comments.
Calling CPS is a VERY scary proposition. But one I will take into consideration as another possible tool.
I know this situation is not going to get better on it's own. I've been telling myself the lie that it will for almost 10 years now but it's really only getting worse.
I live in GA and although this state does recognize mental abuse as a form of abuse, I cannot get a TPO unless I can prove there is an immediate threat of physical harm.
Calling CPS is a VERY scary proposition. But one I will take into consideration as another possible tool.
I know this situation is not going to get better on it's own. I've been telling myself the lie that it will for almost 10 years now but it's really only getting worse.
I live in GA and although this state does recognize mental abuse as a form of abuse, I cannot get a TPO unless I can prove there is an immediate threat of physical harm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
My Stbxah is a high functioning ( to the outside world) abusive alcoholic.
One of the best things in my situation was to get myself a very experienced, smart domestic violence counsellor. Without her, I would be lost and so would be my four children. Then I canned my lawyer, and got one that she highly recommmended, and he may well be working miracles for me. I sure hope so.
And I started going to the police when I needed help. And I got AH out of our family home, got a restraining order, and went as no contact as I could, given our situation.
And I developed a stronger community of friends. I was open and honest with people I thought I could trust. People who don't know my AH. I made my own life. I worked out, even when I felt overwhelmed with the horrible situation I was in.
Start with finding a good domestic violence counsellor. Call the DV hotline. It may sounds scary, but they will help you regarding your child and CPS.
Oh, and squirrel away money. Big time.
Courage. It's so so so worth it.
One of the best things in my situation was to get myself a very experienced, smart domestic violence counsellor. Without her, I would be lost and so would be my four children. Then I canned my lawyer, and got one that she highly recommmended, and he may well be working miracles for me. I sure hope so.
And I started going to the police when I needed help. And I got AH out of our family home, got a restraining order, and went as no contact as I could, given our situation.
And I developed a stronger community of friends. I was open and honest with people I thought I could trust. People who don't know my AH. I made my own life. I worked out, even when I felt overwhelmed with the horrible situation I was in.
Start with finding a good domestic violence counsellor. Call the DV hotline. It may sounds scary, but they will help you regarding your child and CPS.
Oh, and squirrel away money. Big time.
Courage. It's so so so worth it.
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