Is my wife where I can help her?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Is my wife where I can help her?
Not sure if I should be posting in the "friends/family" bit or here? I'm sort of posting on behalf of my wife so I'll try here!
Our situation is - Married 20 years, 4 kids, nice house, good job (me), both under 40....she never drank at all until 34 - by 35 she was an alcoholic and at nearly 37 has been like that a while.
She has done 3 medical detoxs (but NO follow up therapy) in the last 8 months. Her drinking (and drunk actions) got so bad we split 4 months ago....or at least, I moved out (I was co-dependant and we were making each other crazy!)
Anyway - we are still very much together (although still living apart) - we spend plenty of time together (I often stay over) - the first couple of months apart were tough (there was a lot of forgiving to do by me of her behaviour) but we are over that and very much want to make it work.....but she cant stop. At best she might have a day off (if she's ill) but the next day its 2 beers, then 4 then back to 6/7/8 a day.
So I'm not sure what to do now - she HATES it. SHe hates the taste, she hates what it's doing to her and us and the kids, she is in tears all the time at how she is messed up. But cant get past that stage.
I used to work in the gym industry and still do a lot of exercise, etc - so I know all about nutrition (and structured eating plans and stuff) so I see how she is not eating and want to suggest she just TRY and do things my way - like EAT SOME BLOODY FOOD!!!!! I'm sure her brain cant tell between a desire for food calories and drink! But she just wont trip over the point she is at now to the point of saying "ok, tell me what to do"
Its SO frustraiting - she hates her life (she says stupid stuff about how it would be easier if she just died) yet she wont let me help - or try any of my ideas)
I suppose I'm posting here so others in her boat can tell me why I'm wrong! I've no doubt I might be - but she cant articulate that so I'm at my wits end.
I really dont know how much longer I can carry on - We dont live together so "splitting" would be very simple.....but NOT what I want. I want her back like she was - and so does she.
Any advice? Suggestions? Oh, and she is VERY private (which doesnt help at all - her drunk mates have been told she is not handling drink well but because it hasnt been made clear how bad it is they still go drinking with her - I wish I could have a 5 min chat with them...but wifey would kill me!) anyway, private person so just not interested in AA, etc.
Stuck as to what to do???
L
Our situation is - Married 20 years, 4 kids, nice house, good job (me), both under 40....she never drank at all until 34 - by 35 she was an alcoholic and at nearly 37 has been like that a while.
She has done 3 medical detoxs (but NO follow up therapy) in the last 8 months. Her drinking (and drunk actions) got so bad we split 4 months ago....or at least, I moved out (I was co-dependant and we were making each other crazy!)
Anyway - we are still very much together (although still living apart) - we spend plenty of time together (I often stay over) - the first couple of months apart were tough (there was a lot of forgiving to do by me of her behaviour) but we are over that and very much want to make it work.....but she cant stop. At best she might have a day off (if she's ill) but the next day its 2 beers, then 4 then back to 6/7/8 a day.
So I'm not sure what to do now - she HATES it. SHe hates the taste, she hates what it's doing to her and us and the kids, she is in tears all the time at how she is messed up. But cant get past that stage.
I used to work in the gym industry and still do a lot of exercise, etc - so I know all about nutrition (and structured eating plans and stuff) so I see how she is not eating and want to suggest she just TRY and do things my way - like EAT SOME BLOODY FOOD!!!!! I'm sure her brain cant tell between a desire for food calories and drink! But she just wont trip over the point she is at now to the point of saying "ok, tell me what to do"
Its SO frustraiting - she hates her life (she says stupid stuff about how it would be easier if she just died) yet she wont let me help - or try any of my ideas)
I suppose I'm posting here so others in her boat can tell me why I'm wrong! I've no doubt I might be - but she cant articulate that so I'm at my wits end.
I really dont know how much longer I can carry on - We dont live together so "splitting" would be very simple.....but NOT what I want. I want her back like she was - and so does she.
Any advice? Suggestions? Oh, and she is VERY private (which doesnt help at all - her drunk mates have been told she is not handling drink well but because it hasnt been made clear how bad it is they still go drinking with her - I wish I could have a 5 min chat with them...but wifey would kill me!) anyway, private person so just not interested in AA, etc.
Stuck as to what to do???
L
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
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Hi Lewis,
Maybe I could offer a suggestion. I am the recovering alcoholic wife, married almost 29 years. My husband and I are still together, but it was touch and go for a while. One day he said " I just want my wife back." That was the statement that turned things around for me. I went into a quiet, private detox ( because I'm like your wife in that respect....no grand announcements came from me ), then began immediately seeing an addictions therapist after that. AA works for so many here on SR, but it was not my path. There were other "tools" I added to my recovery.....yoga, meditation, tons of reading ( including the Big Book several times), and a complete change in diet. All these things, plus distancing myself from my drinking buddies for a good, long while, helped me get sober. My husband and I are back on track, and life is really good right now. But it took a lot of work.
If your wife won't go to AA, would she agree to seeing an addictions therapist? There are also many other recovery methods out there. If you are new to SR, keep reading. Lots of great folks here with invaluable insight.
Maybe I could offer a suggestion. I am the recovering alcoholic wife, married almost 29 years. My husband and I are still together, but it was touch and go for a while. One day he said " I just want my wife back." That was the statement that turned things around for me. I went into a quiet, private detox ( because I'm like your wife in that respect....no grand announcements came from me ), then began immediately seeing an addictions therapist after that. AA works for so many here on SR, but it was not my path. There were other "tools" I added to my recovery.....yoga, meditation, tons of reading ( including the Big Book several times), and a complete change in diet. All these things, plus distancing myself from my drinking buddies for a good, long while, helped me get sober. My husband and I are back on track, and life is really good right now. But it took a lot of work.
If your wife won't go to AA, would she agree to seeing an addictions therapist? There are also many other recovery methods out there. If you are new to SR, keep reading. Lots of great folks here with invaluable insight.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Getting to where I want to be
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Well, if she's to the point where she needs medical detox, says she wants to stop but can't, she probably needs help not to just detox but to achieve lasting sobriety. Could you talk her into going to rehab? At rehab, she'd be medically detoxed and then attend classes, therapy and possibly AA meetings...she'd get some sober time behind her and be introduced to ways to live a sober life.
I'm afraid there just isn't much you can do to help. You can be supportive, you can make suggestions, but ultimately the decision to get sober and stay sober is hers to make. I would suggest that you check out some Al-Anon meetings. This is a 12 step based group for the family/friends of alcoholics.
I'm afraid there just isn't much you can do to help. You can be supportive, you can make suggestions, but ultimately the decision to get sober and stay sober is hers to make. I would suggest that you check out some Al-Anon meetings. This is a 12 step based group for the family/friends of alcoholics.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Frustrating - but there's no way she would go to re-hab. She's too "private" - which means she feels crap about herself and the fewer people she has to talk to about it the better!
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
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She might hate her life and what alcohol is doing to her, but she doesn't hate it enough to stop. She will have to make that decision herself, if and when she is ready.
What are you doing for yourself? Do you go to AlAnon or a therapist to help support you?
What are you doing for yourself? Do you go to AlAnon or a therapist to help support you?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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i saw a thearapst for a while and read a lot - im actually ok now. i have a lot of friends i got back in touch with, started working out a lot....i have a pretty good life. just not quite the one i want!
my worry is that one day i'll just say "forget it" and give up waiting for her....pity, if she could get straight we have so much to enjoy together.
my worry is that one day i'll just say "forget it" and give up waiting for her....pity, if she could get straight we have so much to enjoy together.
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Originally Posted by Lewis73 
Frustrating - but there's no way she would go to re-hab. She's too "private" - which means she feels crap about herself and the fewer people she has to talk to about it the better!
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
From my perspective as a wife and mom with 2 years sober no amount of 'help' from you will get her over her alcoholism. Its an inside job. She has to want it more than anything else, she needs to accept her life is out of control because of it and if she doesnt stop it will get worse.
All you can do is take care of yourself and the kids. Under no circumstances let her be in charge of the kids care. The children will suffer for years from having an alcoholic mom. Trust me. I also am a child of an alcoholic dad and it still affects me.
All you can do is take care of yourself and the kids. Under no circumstances let her be in charge of the kids care. The children will suffer for years from having an alcoholic mom. Trust me. I also am a child of an alcoholic dad and it still affects me.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
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For me it changed in an instant. I realized I was about to lose any sense of control and it terrified me. In that moment I heard whispered in my ear "It doesn't have to be that way." There really is nothing my husband could have done to help me see it. The addiction twists your mind around and lies to you. If he would have demanded I stop before then I would have blamed him and argued. I agree with happybeingme take care of her kids and husband. You guys first.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
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Originally Posted by Lewis73
Frustrating - but there's no way she would go to re-hab. She's too "private" - which means she feels crap about herself and the fewer people she has to talk to about it the better!
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
Her med detox were all done at home, privately.
As a "normal" - it makes no sense to me that you can hate what you are but not do EVERYTHING you can to fix it.
It sounds as though "private" is code for "denial." Either that, or camouflage for the soul-killing determination that leads us to unspeakable insanity, serious medical conditions, and worse.
If maintaining your wife's privacy is more important than her coming to grips with the damage she's doing to herself, her husband and her children, then there are other serious problems here besides her problems with alcohol.
Other than solitary confinement, illegal detention or staging an intervention, you've got few other options. You're long past the crisis point.
You reached out for help here. That's a start. Get yourself to counseling or therapy. Go to Al-Anon. You need to get help for yourself. You may not realize just how much your wife's problems are affecting you, to say nothing of your children. After a time, your therapist may consent to making a home visit with you, or help you to coax your wife to come in together. Either way, she needs to find the willingness to change within herself.
Many of us have had to lose everything, or close to everything, before we were able to ask for help. Too often we find ourselves thinking "I wish I could have done more...," after there is literally nothing left to be done.
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I think drinking is a choice- even though people with addiction have intense cravings, and it can be so hard to get and stay sober. My husband's concern around my drinking had a lot to do with why I stopped and why I stay sober (both because he cared and because I was afraid of losing him- although I also got sober for myself). I do think what you do matters a lot.
Take care of yourself and your kids. I hope she is not caring for the kids while drinking, even if they are asleep. Decide how long you are willing to live like this.
For her- therapy might help. She might like the support of this forum or the Women for Sobriety online forum (separate from Sober Recovery). Groups are not for everyone.
I would be curious about what made her vulnerable to addiction- unresolved past trauma, feeling 'stuck', giving up her own needs for her family, family history of addiction? What does she get out of drinking? What are the benefits? How else can those needs be met?
Take care of yourself and your kids. I hope she is not caring for the kids while drinking, even if they are asleep. Decide how long you are willing to live like this.
For her- therapy might help. She might like the support of this forum or the Women for Sobriety online forum (separate from Sober Recovery). Groups are not for everyone.
I would be curious about what made her vulnerable to addiction- unresolved past trauma, feeling 'stuck', giving up her own needs for her family, family history of addiction? What does she get out of drinking? What are the benefits? How else can those needs be met?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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thanks for all the responses.
i think I have to make a choice as to what I do - and I think I'll call it a day. I simply dont want to be married to someone who makes the choice of drink over me/family.
I dont mind her addiction if she was saying "this is it - I quit" ...... but she isnt, she just says "i hate this, i cant beat it".
As for the kids, its tricky - I moved out (she asked me to give her space) so she has the kids - and there is NO WAY she would leave them and "swap" with me. SO it looks like they'll be raised by a drunk. Nothing I can do.
On the plus side - she is very high functioning (for a drunk) so they always get fed, get to school, etc
i think I have to make a choice as to what I do - and I think I'll call it a day. I simply dont want to be married to someone who makes the choice of drink over me/family.
I dont mind her addiction if she was saying "this is it - I quit" ...... but she isnt, she just says "i hate this, i cant beat it".
As for the kids, its tricky - I moved out (she asked me to give her space) so she has the kids - and there is NO WAY she would leave them and "swap" with me. SO it looks like they'll be raised by a drunk. Nothing I can do.
On the plus side - she is very high functioning (for a drunk) so they always get fed, get to school, etc
Idiot!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: United Kingdom
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The thing that set me ont the way was an understanding of my condition. Just a little book I read - there are excerpts of it on here. It is: Under the Influence by Milan & Ketcham.
Superb book. Once I understood I wasn't a bad or weak person or just a basket-case from reading this, it gave me the motivation to begin looking for ways to get well.
Defo worth a read.
Stu.
Superb book. Once I understood I wasn't a bad or weak person or just a basket-case from reading this, it gave me the motivation to begin looking for ways to get well.
Defo worth a read.
Stu.
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Hi Lewis, I think the 'private' thing could either be that she's scared of what she'll find out or reveal, or she just doesn't want to stop enough.
My sister was like that, just refused to get any help. So while she was indulging her own feelings, she lost one son (he has refused to see her since early teens), another went delinquent and both chose not to live with her, and she did permanent damage to her body and brain.
So I get impatient with this refusal to face addictions. That's fine, but it's not just herself who's hurting.
I'm not sure how old the kids are, but being raised by an alcoholic is not good for them. And as her condition progresses, it will get worse. Keep that in mind before you consider their upbringing as a done deal.
My sister was like that, just refused to get any help. So while she was indulging her own feelings, she lost one son (he has refused to see her since early teens), another went delinquent and both chose not to live with her, and she did permanent damage to her body and brain.
So I get impatient with this refusal to face addictions. That's fine, but it's not just herself who's hurting.
I'm not sure how old the kids are, but being raised by an alcoholic is not good for them. And as her condition progresses, it will get worse. Keep that in mind before you consider their upbringing as a done deal.
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The kids are 6, 9, 12 and 17 - the eldest hates her already.
Anyway, just been round and asked how she was. She said "fine" - I challenged that on the basis that, as she'd not eaten yet today and planned to drink soon....that wasnt fine. Of course, she gets angry at me for making her realise the truth.
Anyway, told her I was done and that she was welcome to call me if I was ever more important to her than the drink. She just let me walk off.
Its a pity about the kids but theres nothing I can do - I wouldnt win a court battle to get them and she wouldnt give them up. Basically, I've had 4 kids that she is now free to screw up.
Give up on her, going to file for divorce as soon as possible.
Pity, because after all she has put us through - I've never loved her more in the 20 years we've been together.
Anyway, just been round and asked how she was. She said "fine" - I challenged that on the basis that, as she'd not eaten yet today and planned to drink soon....that wasnt fine. Of course, she gets angry at me for making her realise the truth.
Anyway, told her I was done and that she was welcome to call me if I was ever more important to her than the drink. She just let me walk off.
Its a pity about the kids but theres nothing I can do - I wouldnt win a court battle to get them and she wouldnt give them up. Basically, I've had 4 kids that she is now free to screw up.
Give up on her, going to file for divorce as soon as possible.
Pity, because after all she has put us through - I've never loved her more in the 20 years we've been together.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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I am sorry about your wife, but as an adult child of alcoholics, I know the pain of living in that atmosphere. Perhaps consider counseling for your children, as even though you might escape, they bear the greatest amount of the burden.
I remember crying myself to sleep, being the adult (at nine), and worrying for my parents. It pretty much ruined my childhood.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you can choose what you want to live in, but they cannot. They probably need much more help than you realize.
I hope you will think about al-a-teen for them. maybe that will wake your wife up.
wish you all well,
chicory
I remember crying myself to sleep, being the adult (at nine), and worrying for my parents. It pretty much ruined my childhood.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you can choose what you want to live in, but they cannot. They probably need much more help than you realize.
I hope you will think about al-a-teen for them. maybe that will wake your wife up.
wish you all well,
chicory
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Its so hard - I know they will be screwed up (the 17 and 12 year old know what their mum is like...and even though she hides it well the little ones still are used to seeing boxes of beer all over the place)
I wish they could escape too.
I wish they could escape too.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Honestly, if my experiences are any indication of their thoughts and feelings, they will someday, if not right now, wonder why their mom did not love them enough to quit. And maybe wonder why their father left them behind with someone who was not safe to live with.
if she is soused at night, how would she get them out if there were a fire, or an intruder or if someone got choked? just because she can feed them, and get them to school does not mean they are safe.
Have you considered asking for custody? or even fighting for it? someday, your regrets could be more than you can bear, if you don't do what they need from you.
just telling it like it is, because I lived it.
If her behavior is unacceptable to you, how can it be alright for the children?
I dont mean to be harsh, but perhaps it is a good time for you to really look at the big picture. sometimes we think the kids are ok, and they are not. they need a parents protection. and you are it, as there is no guarantee that she will be able to take care of their many needs, other than food and getting to school. does she drink and drive with them?
if she is soused at night, how would she get them out if there were a fire, or an intruder or if someone got choked? just because she can feed them, and get them to school does not mean they are safe.
Have you considered asking for custody? or even fighting for it? someday, your regrets could be more than you can bear, if you don't do what they need from you.
just telling it like it is, because I lived it.
If her behavior is unacceptable to you, how can it be alright for the children?
I dont mean to be harsh, but perhaps it is a good time for you to really look at the big picture. sometimes we think the kids are ok, and they are not. they need a parents protection. and you are it, as there is no guarantee that she will be able to take care of their many needs, other than food and getting to school. does she drink and drive with them?
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Join Date: May 2013
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Lewis,
I have to say I dont understand why you cant get custody of the children? Its an unsafe enviornment why would the courts allow her to keep them? Especially since the older 2 can testify and choose which parent they live with. At least here in my state in the US. Not to be rude but it sounds as if you are giving up on your children.
I have to say I dont understand why you cant get custody of the children? Its an unsafe enviornment why would the courts allow her to keep them? Especially since the older 2 can testify and choose which parent they live with. At least here in my state in the US. Not to be rude but it sounds as if you are giving up on your children.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Its tough. She doesnt drink and drive (she walks them everywhere), she doesnt get "falling over drunk" in front of them.
She appears fine - in fact, her friends have NO idea she has a drink problem. If I fought for custody everyone that knows us (apart from a few close friends of mine who know the story) would think I was mad trying to get the kids off a great mum who has a nice 4 bed house to live with me in my little apartment.
She appears fine - in fact, her friends have NO idea she has a drink problem. If I fought for custody everyone that knows us (apart from a few close friends of mine who know the story) would think I was mad trying to get the kids off a great mum who has a nice 4 bed house to live with me in my little apartment.
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