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Is my wife where I can help her?

Old 07-09-2013, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post
As for the kids, its tricky - I moved out (she asked me to give her space) so she has the kids - and there is NO WAY she would leave them and "swap" with me. SO it looks like they'll be raised by a drunk. Nothing I can do.

On the plus side - she is very high functioning (for a drunk) so they always get fed, get to school, etc
You're kidding right? NOTHING you can do?

I respectfully have a suggestion of something you can do, read some posts by people who were raised by a drunk parent, and think really hard as to whether or not you want your kids to be telling those stories and trying to unravel those knots from their heads...or to follow in mom's footsteps.

Getting fed and a ride to school does not = happy and productive childhood.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post
Its tough. She doesnt drink and drive (she walks them everywhere), she doesnt get "falling over drunk" in front of them.

She appears fine - in fact, her friends have NO idea she has a drink problem. If I fought for custody everyone that knows us (apart from a few close friends of mine who know the story) would think I was mad trying to get the kids off a great mum who has a nice 4 bed house to live with me in my little apartment.
So, you'd throw the kids under the wheels of the drunk train so your friends won't "think you are mad"?.

If you get the kids, you get the house too. Courts realize they need a reasonable home to live in. Sounds like you have given up...just like your wife.

We are talking about their LIVES. LIVES. If you care about them, well, then at least stay in the home and give them one full time, live in parent who takes care of them. Giving they up to life with drunk mommy so you can "move on." is selfish beyond words.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:46 AM
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This is what I'm here to hear.

You are right - I cant get custody....trust me, in the UK it is very hard for the man to get anything unless the woman is in a shocking state. I have friends who tried with their drunk wives who were far worse than mine (drink driving, waking up in the street) and they failed.

But to move on and leave them is also wrong. I only moved out so she could get straight - if she isnt going to bother I might as well go back and be there for them.

Great advice, thank you. (slap in the face i needed)
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:49 AM
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both of you should read it

Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post

just not interested in AA, etc.
that's fine

but

so as to learn a lot regarding alcoholism

I would recommend you buy this very inexpensive book - AA Big Book

both of you should read it

neither of you will be disappointed with the much information attained


when I was running amuck
and
was in jail due to my drinking
my wife called my Sponsor
he told her that she may wish to read the AA Big Book
she has always said "that it helped her in many ways to understand the drunk"
and
where she stood
and
what she could do for herself and me

Mountainman
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:53 AM
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I've read it - in fact, there isnt much I havent read on alcoholics and co-dependents.

The problem is, you read it....then your own life gets in the way of acting the way you know you should!

So many times I have done things/said things that I KNOW are pointless - yet cant help myself.
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:56 AM
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both were willing

Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post

then your own life gets in the way of acting the way you know you should!
do you guys have any spiritual guidance available

for many that's what it takes

my wife also set us up back then for Christian counseling

it was free and wasn't even at our church

it sure helped us a lot

but

both were willing

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Old 07-09-2013, 07:02 AM
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neither of us are religious.

on the issue of more generic counseling - she isnt a talker! She just wouldnt attend something like that. SHe has said "I'd rather just end up dying than do that" - nice! Smart talk!
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post
This is what I'm here to hear.

You are right - I cant get custody....trust me, in the UK it is very hard for the man to get anything unless the woman is in a shocking state. I have friends who tried with their drunk wives who were far worse than mine (drink driving, waking up in the street) and they failed.

But to move on and leave them is also wrong. I only moved out so she could get straight - if she isnt going to bother I might as well go back and be there for them.

Great advice, thank you. (slap in the face i needed)
((((((Hugs)))))) because I do know that NOTHING about this situation is easy, or will get easier for quite a while. But your kids are worth it.
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:07 AM
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your wife is right in a way

Originally Posted by Lewis73 View Post

She has said "I'd rather just end up dying than do that" - nice! Smart talk!
well

that seems to be about it for now

I've been around this disease and drunks for a long time

if it get's rough enough

we will do anything so as to try and get sober

and

your wife is right in a way

I have seen many drunks die

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Old 07-10-2013, 05:43 AM
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Good on you for not giving up on the kids Lewis. You're in a difficult situation but at least you can salvage your relationship with them. Stay on SR; living with an alcoholic is a program in itself but there are several men (not to mention the more numerous women) who are doing it and sharing their experiences.
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