Jeni26

We had some devastating news yesterday and as a family we are reeling. One of our friends lost his battle with cancer. We knew he was ill but somehow you just don't expect someone of our age to go. He was in his 40s. He was fit and active and mad about sport, a member of our local cricket team. He was a teacher at our local secondary school and taught our son from the ages of 11 to 17. He was such a solid and influential man in our son's life, a really strong role model, guiding a reluctant learner to achieve some really good results academically. He advised him and us when our son wanted to drop out of school and equipped him with the knowledge he needed to make that transition into the world of work successfully. Our son feels like he's lost far more than a teacher. He lost a mentor, a role model, a friend. His love of sport and mature outlook on life were inspired and nurtured by this man.
Our daughter is really good friends with his daughter. They started school together at the age of 4 and have grown up together. She saw him as the fun Dad. Memories of parties where he would dress up and provide entertainment for the girls. Once he was a butler and served them drinks and snacks all night much to their amusement. She is so sad for her friend.
He was fun, he was loving, he was a good friend to us all. We are all so very sad today. He won't have the future with his daughter that we are fortunate to have with ours...planning their university moves, guiding them towards adulthood and independence. Our daughters are so very similar in character, he and his wife had many an afternoon with H and I, hypotheising about how they'd ever cope with growing up in the real world. I feel so much for his wife. They only had one daughter after many failed attempts at IVF and a succession of miscarriages. They both doted on her.

Is it really pathetic to say 'this isn't fair?'

Life isn't fair. I know that. Tragedies happen. Families cope with devastation. This family is close to us and have been since our children were babies. They haven't had addiction problems. They always got their priorities right with bringing up their daughter. They just don't deserve this.

My H and I are over a year sober. We gave up together and support each other during difficult times. This is the first time a difficulty has hit us simultaneously and we've both felt like drinking. He is usually my rock here. He made that decision to quit and he has never once been sidestepped from that. He is amazingly strong. Or was...until today...maybe.

I'm being really honest here. H and I have got today at home together. We are having a BBQ. The urge to have a drink for us both is as strong as its ever been. I just need to say it and then maybe it will go away. Posting always helps me, but there's a double whammy of us both faltering at the same time. We are not responsible for each others drinking. I know that. It just feels a weird and dangerous position to be in.

Huxley

Oh darling I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you all.

And I understand how much you both want to escape right now. Drinking might well dull the pain for a while. But you know that the pain won't go away; it'll just be waiting for later, when you sober up.

And when will that be? Because this won't just be for today. You'll still want to drink tomorrow, and the next day. Honey, it's rough as hell, but you need to let yourselves feel this.

And not just for the two of you. You said your whole family is reeling - your kids don't want to see you drink through this.

I love you. Don't pick up today, even if your husband does.

I know you'd say the same to me...

Stay close xxxxx

Gottalife

I'm very sorry to hear your news Jeni. I am going through something similar. I spent time last week with a good friend who is in the last stages, and you are so right, it's not fair.

I've been through this before, with my father, my sponsor and my wife, all at different times and the grief was overwhelming. It seems to have a mind of its own. I found grief counselling very helpful as it let me know what I was feeling was normal.

Strangely though, the drink option did not come up. It never occured to me. Perhaps it's because I got and stay sober through the AA program. I seem to have undergone a profound change in my reaction to life. I'm not sure how, it's not something I did for myself.

I pray you will be able to stay sober through this as, to quote a trite saying, there is nothing so bad that a drink won't make it worse.

Jeni26

Thankyou.

H and I have talked it over, and after that initial knee jerk 'I need a drink' response, we have both realised how utterly selfish that would have been. Our kids need us to be the strong ones right now. They learn from us and we model to them the appropriate responses to difficult situations.

We are upset but then so are our children. We have spent the past year repairing and building better relationships as a family and we are not about to throw that away so easily. We have both worked hard to get where we are and a tragedy isn't going to drag us back.

So this afternoon we will sit in the sunshine and think of our missing friend with love and gratitude for all he brought into our lives. We will honour his memory by continuing on our sober journey and treasuring every moment we have with each other.

God, life is too short anyway. Why would we not want to live it?

Jen
Xxx

Sasha4

Jen, I think you have to have trust, faith and self belief in yourself to get through this without drinking.

I know as an ex smoker, the tiniest crisis would send me for a cigarette.
I thought as a drinker, I would be a hopeless case if I could not drink myself through a turbulent time. If I could not turn to alcohol then I would never make it through to the other side.

I surprised myself.............I realised that drink was not a magic cure all. Drinking was not the solution to a sad problem.

I think I just never thought I would be able to function through problems without a drink. Maybe, that was how used to I had got to heading straight for a bottle when the bad times began.

I think I am starting to trust myself now.
But I often have little conversations with myself in my head such as 'I wonder if I lost my job, would I still be able to not drink then?'

If I lost a parent, would I cope without alcohol?

Recently its only just started to become 'yes, I think I could'.

My best to you Jen

xxxx

Spinach

Jen, It's always surreal . It never makes sense and can only seem cruel especially when you know they were good, it's just not about justice.
Will be thinking of you.
Love John.

hypochondriac

So sorry to hear your news Jeni x I know that making it through this will make you and your husband's sobriety stronger too. The urge to drink in these situations is so ingrained but it isn't an appropriate response to grief. Now you can honour your friends memory with your sobriety. I know you will pull through this and be there for your kids. You have gained too much to throw it away. *hugs* xxx

regeneration

Hello Jeni,

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend, it must be such a shock, especially as they obviously meant a lot to you.

I was still drinking when my mother died, and it all truly sucked, but the drink added to it all.

Even though I'm an atheist I like to think of people who are now dead thinking of us with love and pride as we get on with the sober lives we're building.

Thinking of you xx