EndGameNYC

When I noticed the blogger's first name is Jennifer, I did pause to wonder...I did also notice similar writing styles and similar agile thinking, along with an uncanny knack for self-expression. If blogging on sobriety isn't for you, you might reflect on something with which you'd have fun. If you haven't read it, I liked Guts by Kristen Johnson (star of Third Rock From The Sun), a powerful drunk-and-pills-to-recovery-story. It was a worthwhile read.

One of the many corners I turned in sobriety occurred when I stopped telling myself what I couldn't do, and allowed myself to imagine both what I could do and what would make me happy.

When we find our own voice, whether in writing, teaching or just being human, we are then open to learning how much we have to offer, and how fulfilling our personal pursuits can be.

Reminds me of an old saying, something like there are only five, six, whatever stories ever written. But how wonderfully written each new version is by so many different people!

It's not expensive to start a blog, and some people even make a decent living at it. With all your good experience, you have a lot to offer.

EndGameNYC

Yeah, me too.

Yet there are a lot of positive vibes here that may benefit many who read these comments. Not like we're debating Obama Care.

fantail

Jennie -- When starting a blog, it's more like a social venture than like a publishing venture. Your experience on here would actually be very useful to you! I had a personal blog in the past and write & edit blogs professionally so I'm happy to give advice if you want any, send a PM if you'd like!

Husky -- Interesting point! I found the same when I went to meetings, both AA and Life Ring. One meeting had no women at all; the others had just a few. At those meeting where there were women present, there was only one woman who was not a brand newbie like myself. And several times none of the women wanted to speak.

I have lots of male friends and feel very comfortable around men. My friend group is pretty 50/50. But there is a different dynamic of care between men and women. Going in I was really hoping for some old-timers with maternal energy. Instead I felt like everyone's little sister in a way? I did a lot of nodding and reassuring... they would share and look at me like they needed a smile so I'd give one. And when I spoke, they'd give me care back, but it was in a "good on you, kiddo" kind of way, not a "I've been there" kind of way.

Plus there's the social awkwardness that some recovering people have. At the meeting where I was the only woman, I could tell that for a few of the guys it was really disconcerting to have me there. I actually asked afterwards if it was a men's meeting because I felt so out of place! They were self-censoring a bit and it was kind of awkward all around.

Anyway there are also some structural things that I think are probably built towards a personality type that is more frequently male, as Groundhog Day mentions. The "no crosstalk" rule in particular also stood out to me as being probably more helpful to a "male"-style communicator.

But my guess is probably just that there are a lot of women like me who were kind of on the fence about whether to participate or not and after showing up to find mostly men, took a pass. I would guess it wouldn't have impacted my decision if I'd been really committed to the idea of AA.

ClearLight

My group has about 50/50.

There are tons of groups in SoCal and down here it depends on the group you go to.

LadyinBC

I haven't read the responses so sorry if I'm repeating anyone.

I have been to many meetings and sometimes I am the only female in the group. I worked in the electrical industry so I was around and spoke to lots of men so I don't feel too intimidated by them. I will admit at first when I first started going, my first thought was, "well I'm not like these guys they are in recovery houses, they didn't work, they also did drugs and blah blah blah." Pretty humbling to realize after listening to some of their stories that I was and in time drugs could have been the next step when the booze wasn't enough.

Even at the SMART meetings, there are only a few women there. I have always felt very welcome at these meetings and have never run into any problems.

There are AA women meetings, but they are not that many, just like there aren't very many men only meetings.

Out here in Surrey, they have lots of government run recovery houses thru the South Fraser Health Regions and most of them are for men. There are hardly any just for women.

Addiction doesn't care if you are female or male, however, women have their own issues when it comes to drinking/drugs as men have their own issues. Look at emotions. In society it is perfectly okay for women to cry, but people feel uncomfortable when men do it. I personally think women hide their drinking more than guys do, because there is a big stigma towards being a mother and how dare you do this you have a family etc. But that is just my opinion.

hypochondriac

Maybe they're all in women's meetings... I know that's where I would be if there were any near me. I think the high number of men in AA can be a bit intimidating but I think the gender separation means there are less women sponsors to go round and that perpetuates a lack of women participating in AA. That has been my experience anyway.

LadyinBC

That is a very good point. When I went to my first AA meeting the guy chairing the meeting told me that if I wanted a sponsor I should make sure it is a woman as they don't encourage people being sponsored by someone of the opposite sex. And there were not very many women at that meeting.

Soberpotamus

True, I can see how our comments now might benefit this conversation, guess it wasn't totally off track.

Soberpotamus

Thanks Fantail. I might do that. Well, I had a food blog for a little over a year and really enjoyed the social interaction part of it. And I actually write blog articles for clients now for a living, working from home... I wouldn't call it a "living"... lol, it's more like extra income So I do see how it all works. I had a Wordpress blog as my food blog, and I've tinkered some with Tumblr... much prefer the Wordpress.

I guess I'm just hesitant as far as content really. I just don't want to be redundant, you know? Soooo many blogs out there!

Soberpotamus

Yes, this is what I thought too.

Soberpotamus

Thanks so much for your suggestions and insight, and encouragement I really appreciate it. You have described where I'm at right now... doubting, wondering, and sort of still trying to limit myself... I do think of Seth Godin and some of those other gurus... and how when it's something of quality, or "art" that you have to offer to a tribe of people who want to hear your particular message... I guess it doesn't hurt if you're giving a slightly different version of something that's been put out there before...

I keep trying to remind myself of this

EndGameNYC

You're welcome.

I was fortunate to find a terrific sponsor very quickly. In reality, he found me. He appointed himself as my sponsor since he saw things in me that I could not see myself. He was the one who gave me the necessary push to go to grad school, but only after three years of sobriety. I came to love that man, and I miss him dearly today.

I was close to where you are after six months. I can't tell you how much comfort I took in the suggestion that tells us not to make any important decisions in the first year. This gave me the room I needed to just work on me. No longer did I carry a distorted sense of urgency in solving my numerous problems. The fire alarms stopped, and the unrealistic demand that I get my life straightened out today melted away. I didn't have to clear up my debts, make amends to everyone, or "fix" myself in any way right this minute. This gave me the time I needed to breathe, to take stock and, perhaps most important, the freedom to wonder.

I mercifully lost my obsession to drink the day before my first AA meeting, which was also the day before my first day of sobriety. At some point, I was able to take in the idea that I could heal, find my way back to sanity and live a better life just as so many people with long-term sobriety had done by "following this simple program." Sobriety helped me to slow down my life and appreciate all the wonderful things the world -- and the people in it -- has to offer.

I imagine you already got the point from some of my longer comments that the world opens up to us when we start getting sober. This allowed me to go as hard and as with much passion in living my life as I put into my drinking, and in maintaining my ability to continue drinking staggering amounts of vodka. All without the constant pain and suffering I got from drinking. Life turned into a labor of love rather than a deadening routine.

That world is open to all of us. And it's patient enough to wait for our arrival.

pixy

When I first came into AA, I rocked up at a meeting which only had 2 women attend, and they did not go every week. The men were welcoming and very pleasant, and I attended just that meeting for nearly a year, assuming that all AA meetings would be exactly the same. I would leave the meeting often feeling depressed and isolated. Then I started going to other meetings, and found other women - My home group now is probably almost 50/50. I would attend a women's only group as well if one was closer, but I do enjoy having the men around as well.

sugarbear1

Years ago a rehab mentioned that men are more risk takers than women and that alcoholism tends to effect males more than females.

dunno.

Our women's meetings are attended more sporadically by the women, even if they meet just once a week.

Boleo

Good question. Thanks for bringing it up!

There are meetings for "Women Only" but then again, there are even more meetings for "Men Only". Most meetings are started by men who only think of what men want in a meeting, but that begs the question "Why do men start more meetings?"

IMO most meetings are somewhat frightening for newcomers. They are full of the worst of the worst that society has to offer. Not just drunks but hard-core criminals, con-artists, prostitutes and assorted nuts as well. The language is somewhat abrasive and war-stories can get quite graphic in detail. My guess is many women are frightened off at one of their first few meetings and just don't come back. Men are typically braver then women (IMO) or at least will tolerate more bad behavior than most women, and therefor, they are more likely to "Keep coming back".

LadyinBC

Boleo that puppy is just too darn cute!

Carlotta

I am throwing an idea out there, not sure if it impact meeting attendance but a lot of women alcoholic are also ACOA or suffer from codependency. Actually the fact that the needs of a recovering woman alcoholic are different than those of a male are the basis for Women For Sobriety.
Could it be that because a lot of women alcoholic have been abused at some point in life by alcoholic or addicted males, they might feel intimidated going to co ed meetings and being with guys who behaved just like their dads or their partners did?

Carlotta

I do not think that men are braver than women but I know that personally, I avoid meetings which are heavy on war stories and profanities. I do not think that vulgarity is conducive to my recovery.
The competition in some groups to see who was the worst of the worst, the drunkest of the drunks and the lowest of the low can also be a turn off.
I chose my home group because it is solution oriented, the men speak and behave like gentlemen and the ladies like ladies. Our attendance is 50/50 and there are days (we meet 5 times a week) when the women outnumber the men.
I have been to meetings where I could have sworn everyone was either Al Capone or an Original Gangsta :rotfxko

Soberpotamus

Good points, Carlotta. I'm an alcoholic and ACOA, though not a codie. So I'm 2 out of 3.

My reservations about going to AA were to do with the religiosity I've always found there. I had some childhood experiences that could be considered abuse associated with organized religion, and also involved some family members... so it didn't take me long to question and to leave behind any faith I had in God or religion in my late teens... I was agnostic by then, and still am today, for the most part... just recently I've allowed for some ideas such as synchronicity theory, universe/energy as higher power, the AA program itself (which I inherently distrust on some levels... because of the insistence on religiosity that is predominant yet simultaneously denied), and the development of my own higher consciousness as the hp, and so on... so I've opened my mind to the possibility and have taken that leap of faith... it's unfortunate to me that I continue to encounter bull-headed people in this program who hammer home to me the distasteful nature of it all...

For me, it wasn't the men who were the problem... but I will agree with you on the war stories... such a turn-off the way some of them tried to one-up everyone. That was never my intention... to go to a recovery program and encounter bravado about their drinking past... weird.

I continue to go to my weekly WFS meeting, my therapist, my weekly Continuing Care meeting, SR daily, and continue reading my mound of recovery books... and I am doing great so far and don't foresee many problems in the future other than an occasional craving (which I've not had really in 3 months!).

EndGameNYC

Makes perfect sense to me.