LadyBlue0527

Watching someone transition from a highly functioning alcoholic to a person who can't even get out of bed without taking a drink is tragic. This was my best friend of 20 years. She fell so far into the wine box that she did something to me that's unspeakable to do to a best friend, especially one who you've had as a best friend for that many years. Just say it was the ultimate betrayal. After that happened I tried to go to her house to make amends but it just wasn't the same anymore. I didn't feel the same about her nor being at her house. That and the fact that she was trying to make excuses for herself. In fact, what she said was "Well LadyBlue, I guess that we all learned something from this" and I asked what that was. She said "We're all a bunch of drunks and we can't trust each other". I kept my mouth shut but what I wanted to say "Whatever makes you feel better about yourself".

The next time that she tried to call me I was honest with her about how I felt and told her that I needed some time. I had hoped that eventually I would get past what it was that happened. That was in early January of this year.

On February 10th she passed out on her couch in an alcoholic stupor and either had a cigarette in her hand or dropped it into the couch. When she woke up to flames she called her sister who told her to call 911 and get out of the house. Since her sister lived nearby she got to the house before the fire department and drove up the driveway. My friend came walking out of the house, through the flames, and fell into a snow banking. She was so plastered she had tried to put the fire out by herself (never using the 4 extinguishers she had in the house) and instead of exiting another door that would have taken her away from the flames she went right through them.

They airlifted her to a burn unit at Mass General in Boston with burns over 80% of her body. Four days later on Valentines Day she died.

On top of losing her the family maintains that I destroyed her. I walked away from her in her greatest time of need. Talk about total and utter denial. I made the comment "I didn't destroy her, she destroyed herself". However, don't think that wasn't the basis for an increase in my drinking and every drunk would end up the same. Ugly mad and crying. Wow, what fun.

This situation has helped to remind me of the power of alcohol and what it can do.

I miss the friend that I had before she did the nosedive. She was a sincere, heartfelt, and caring person who was loved by many. What alcohol did to her was a tragedy.

I'm so thankful that I'm here.

EndGameNYC

Thanks for a very touching and heartbreaking story.

I've experienced something similar in my years of sobriety, though never with a close friend or family member.

You do a great service by sharing your story here. Most of us think that something like this can only happen to someone else. The reality is, that often we are that someone else.

I'm happy you seemed to have found peace around all this.

ClearLight

Her family is wrong. Period.

You couldn't live her life and you couldn't stop her from drinking - any more than her family could stop her from drinking.

Please be at peace.

FeenixxRising

Her family is dead wrong. Don't ever think you are fault. If it were me, I would move that family out of my life.

oak

I hope that you know that you were not at fault.

take good care of yourself! Congrats on getting sober!

fantail

Valentine's Day this year is my sobriety date...

I found out later that my ex-boyfriend, an alcoholic, committed suicide in another part of the world on the same day.

When I struggle I think about him because it makes me feel like my sobriety date is meaningful, that I can't relapse because in a symbolic way it's like I'm carrying on when he couldn't.

I'll think about your friend, too. It's a terribly sad story. I'm sorry what you've been through.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Lady Blue and I'm sorry that others blame you.

I could have been your friend many times - it still amazes me the number of times I fell asleep with a lighted cig in my hand....it was dozens...

burnt many holes in the chair and the carpet, even my hair once, and yet emerged otherwise unscathed...

Nobodys fault but mine.

D

Johno1967

My old man used to fall asleep drunk with a ciggie in his hand often. We kids were young, our mom passed away when I was 7 from cervical cancer, she never drank. The Old Man would come in at the dead of night after me and my older brother had put ourselves to bed and fall into his bed fully clothed and cigarette in mouth or hand. We used to take the smoke from him and pull his boots off and throw a blanket over him. In the morning we would try to drag him out of bed for work while he swore and kicked at us. Once or twice he nearly burnt the house down and one night I had to wake the entire house as I awoke to find it full of smoke! We piled outside gasping for air. The Old Man had put a chicken in the oven before passing out and it burnt!
Even as a nine year old I could see that my father was destroying himself and I used to lie awake at night listening to him breath or snore in the next room and being scared that he would stop breathing while also feeling that it would probably be better for everyone if he did.
The Old Man died a lonely death of a skid row alcoholic a year or two ago. I don't know exactly when or how and I don't know where he is buried and I forgive him. Self blame and self punishment for the death of those we knew who we think we could have saved when they could only save themselves is the last thing we could want to do. In the case of my Father, I forgive the past, his alcoholism, his temper and his belt, I forgive the years of mental and physical abuse I and my brother suffered in his care and then in church and government homes after he was deemed no longer fit to look after us. I forgive his false recovery from alcoholism that led to an obsession with gambling that placed us in poverty and need until I walked out of home and into the Army to escape. I forgive his alcoholic relapse and I forgive my refusal to acknowledge his existence till his alcoholic death 25 years later. I thank him for showing me where I could have ended up if I had continued to let the disease I inherited from him grow within me to a point I could not return. His life is a lesson for me.
Forgiveness and letting go breaks the cycle. Don't let anyone blame you for what happened with your friend. Ever. Remember you are a survivor.

aw58

Wow such touching stories I’m in bits with tears running down my face. I truly believe we have to forgive, you don’t have to forget what happened but if you don’t forgive you will always have hatred in your mind. My Mother never forgave my alcoholic Father they split when I was 10 years old and I wasn’t allowed to see him, I made contact when I was 40 and he had given up drinking and we had 8 years of Father and daughter relationship before cancer took him. My Mother didn’t stop talking about the past till he passed away it was like he had gone and could no longer get to her thoughts. I have just recently forgiven my best friend who took her own life 2 years ago, not with drink but she was so unhappy a lot of the times and I tried very hard to keep her on track but it wasn’t to be. Life can throw such challenges at us and we can so easily run to the bottle it’s now learning to cope without that crutch. You were not to blame they just wanted someone to blame.. I would keep away from them at least till they can accept it wasn’t your fault

LadyBlue0527

Thank you all so much for the kind replies and stories.

I have actually separated myself from the family. They are the classic example of enablers and extreme denial. Every time I saw one of them there would be conversation regarding her demise and I just couldn't take it anymore. They didn't want to place any blame on her and if that's what they need for themselves that's ok for them.

I came to peace with all of this by honoring and loving the person that I knew prior to her descent into chronic alcoholism. She had a great heart. She was one of those people who cherished and loved her friends and family. If you were talking about something to her that you loved the next birthday would come or Christmas and you'd unwrap that very item and be surprised. She was a listener. Perhaps this is why the family needs denial to help them through. If you could see the two polar opposites that she was. It was devastating.

I made my peace and amends by finding a way to honor her. I posted on a social site that my best friend had passed away and talked a little bit about the great person that she was. Without divulging anything I simply said that an argument had separated us and I was sad that if I could have just one more day to tell her all the things that I needed to. I asked that in her memory if everyone could do me a favor and reach out to a person that they were on the outs with and make amends. If it was something small, or stupid, don't waste time, do it now. If even one relationship was mended due to that request I would feel better.

Could I have fixed my friend's drinking problem? No way. If I did have another few months would that made any difference? I'm not sure because of the pain that she caused me due to her actions when drinking. However, to not ever have the answer to that question is sad.

Again, thank you all

Ptcapote

Thank you for that story, LadyBlue. Like Fantail, my sobriety date is also February 14 of this year. A day to celebrate love although still a day that alcohol can make about such loss.

I am sorry you had to go through that but you sound strong and you certainly sound like you made amends with her and what had happened. I also have a situation with a very close friend which involves the "ultimate betrayal" and it's one of the hardest things I've had yet to deal with in sobriety. I am on Step 8 so this is coming up to be dealt with and I know I need to do it but, boy, facing things that we and others did while drinking (and forgiving ourselves and others) is tough stuff.

Anyway, thank you for another wonderful post and sharing this story. It was very touching and I am inspired by your courage and wisdom!