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kcvalentine 07-04-2013 07:56 AM

Relapsing friend?
 
Hey guys,

I've been in recovery for alcohol addiction for almost two years now and I'm feeling awesome. When I decided to face my alcoholism one of my best friends also felt that she was also an addict. So even though we live hundreds of miles apart, we kind of charted these sober waters together. But we don't talk all the time because we have a lot going on in our lives and there is the distance factor. Anyway, a few weeks ago my husband and I drove up to meet her at a festival and while we were there she started doing shots. I didn't say anything at the time because she has a new boyfriend and it just wasn't the place. But then again last night she and some friends skyped me and she was wasted. So I sent her a text message this morning expressing concern and love.

Have you guys run into similar situations? It just makes me feel weird. Is she relapsing? Did she decide she doesn't have a drinking problem? And if so, isn't being wasted sort of a sign otherwise? I'm not trying to be judgmental or nosy. It's her life and I love her. I'll love her sober or otherwise (although sober is way more fun!). Should I feel weird that she didn't tell me she started drinking again? Should I just mind my own damn business? Haha!

I haven't been around in a while but I'm so grateful for the support offered here. I'm wishing you all well. Happy Independence Day and all that it means for you and your recovery.

Love,
kc

Threshold 07-04-2013 09:10 AM

I know it's really difficult to see that happen. I've been where you are, and where SHE is.

I admit that when I relapsed, I wondered why no one said anything. Not saying they owed it to me, or that it was their responsibility, but I did wonder. Like...do they not care? did I not really have a problem? Are they blind? Have I fallen into a parallel universe?

but I also have a friend who (I think) is in serious denial about her own drinking, and I don't say anything to her about her own drinking...because I know she will get her hackles up and tell me she is NOT like me. So when I speak of drinking/not drinking/recovery/relapse...I only speak about myself. She can take it or leave it or mock it if she cares to.

I have learned I have to take total and ultimate responsibility for my sobriety, no matter what anyone else, thinks, says or how they behave. but it does help when I get a little boost, show of concern, or they let me know they notice how I'm doing.

Nuudawn 07-04-2013 06:27 PM


Originally Posted by kcvalentine (Post 4051260)
Should I feel weird that she didn't tell me she started drinking again?

She didn't really have to tell you..she showed you instead. You saw her drinking shots..and she skyped ya wasted. Personally, I would likely avoid my "sober buddy" if I started drinking. She has chose not to...perhaps she WANTS you to say something. I think you did the right thing by texting concern and love.

You also are doing the right thing..by loving her either way. The choice for sobriety is a personal one. Simply being there..and being her friend is all you can do. Perhaps she needs a little more evidence of her issue.

fantail 07-05-2013 01:55 AM

I have friends who are all over the drinking spectrum, a few of whom are currently doing some self-reflection on their own habits.

I talk about my ongoing experience every once in a while, and I answer direct questions they ask me, but that's the line for me. When they talk about drinking I don't give advice or opinion.

I do this for a lot of reasons, including not knowing for sure whether they have a problem or not. But the most important reason is that when it comes down to it, their drinking or not won't affect my behavior until they're either putting themselves or me at immediate risk. Like you and your friend, it won't change things between us right now.

That being the case, I try to let their process be entirely their own so that our relationship doesn't have to be thrown into uncertainty as their thoughts about alcohol change.

I think there's a reason a lot of us choose to get our support from this website and other groups of people outside of our daily life. I feel like anything that gets too close to the alcohol in our lives risks going up in flames the next time someone drops a match, you know? I like to keep it as far as possible from the people I care about as long as I have the luxury to do so.

All this is to say I think you should be light-handed with her. Let her know you're there and that if she needs anything you'll be there, but then let go and trust that if she needs support she'll find it. The text message seems like a great approach, super low key. From you she needs primarily your friendship, and it sounds like you're already a really good friend to her.

kcvalentine 07-06-2013 10:20 AM

Thank you all so much. This really, really helps. I appreciate your time and your thoughtful responses.

xo,
kc

mick3580 07-06-2013 10:39 AM

I think you should ask your friend why she started drinking again and if there was a reason she hasn't told you. I don't think, however, that you should be this from the standpoint or view that she is accountable yo you or that she should have been. I'm merely suggesting that you express the curiosity of it all to her just as you are framing it here. It does seem, after all, that you really are just curious. Being curious without bring judgmental is totally fine if done correctly, I believe.

Isaiah 07-06-2013 11:02 AM

I think if you decide to talk to them about your concern for them it'd be wise to prepare yourself for disappointment. Hate to sound pessimistic, but people with drinking problems who actively drink tend to resist any help or even the suggestion they need it.

Don't know your friend of course, and their personality. If it were you talking to me when I was active in addiction, I would have: suggested you were a worse drinker and had no right to judge, that I'm having a good time so there isn't a problem, insisted you acknowledge the two days this week I didn't drink... and so on.

I have a friend who I'm now thousands of miles from. It's tough, but I'm seeing all the signs that she's slipping into problems. E.g., she'll post on Twitter that she's drinking a bottle of wine in the bathroom because her husband's upset with some behavior of hers then gloat about how "awesome" she is.

My response so far has been not to acknowledge it at all. If she starts to express regret or guilt, I might step in with a "how are you doing?" Otherwise I'm just the wet blanket trying to ruin the "party."

Mountainmanbob 07-06-2013 11:10 AM


Originally Posted by kcvalentine (Post 4051260)

1- Is she relapsing?

2-Did she decide she doesn't have a drinking problem?

3-And if so, isn't being wasted sort of a sign otherwise?

answers to

1- yes

2- happens to many

3- in this case probably so


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