bigsombrero

Just had my first "drinking dream" in a while last night. I also dreamed that I was in a fist-fight at a (fictional) job and was fired. I felt very negative upon waking up, but also relieved. Just dreams.

I have a long flight coming up in a couple days, I am moving back to live in Chicago for a while again. I think I am nervous/anxious about the flights and the travel, but perhaps even more nervous about the readjustment period. I have not been "home" in over 2 months. I am looking forward to being in a place where I can speak the language fluently, and also living in my awesome apartment where I have running, hot water, electricity and wifi.

At the same time, I am concerned. Not about anything in particular - but rather concerned about the "unknowns". I am not worried about old friends, I am not worried about family expectations. I am not worried about my apartment, I am not worried about finances. I suppose I am worried about becoming depressed. Weird, huh? Depressed about the possibility of becoming depressed...sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Any tips out there as to how I can shake the dread? I'm not feeling too terrible, but I know nipping these things in the bud is important.

cheapredwino

Guatemala, wow! I know a fellow from Guatemala and he's pretty cool; he moved here with his mother when he was a teen and built up a great little business for himself. I read that Guatemalans are amoung the happiest people in the world. I'm thinking about scoping out Costa Rica as a place to escape the cold Canadian winters for a month or two. I don't know a lick of Spanish though.

I used to be nervous as hell while flying and drank to calm my nerves, so I know how you feel.

The Unknowns make life worth living! There are great Unknowns too, you know!

doggonecarl

I think you'll be fine! Be safe.

caboblanco

maybe hang out with Guatemalan immigrants and the like in Chicago. This way you won't get the nasty culture shock of coming back to the states after being away for years. i want to get out of here personally, but I have no means to at the moment, not for a very long term stay anyway

2granddaughters

You already know what I would suggest so I'll save my breath.

All the best.

Bob R

regeneration

bigsombrero, I went through something similar recently.. and came out the other side.

I left a job end of May, went travelling for 3 weeks then came back. It was the flights and the unknowns that got to me. For me, I think it was adjusting to certain things that I used to deal with by drinking before. It had been an old habit for me to get a little bit smashed at airports, but I now know that I was always feeling really tired by the time I got to the other end. And I couldn't deal with travelling alone at airports.. go figure.

I also subconsciously don't like change, and can get depressed/anxious by it, I just didn't really realise how much until recently. This is despite most of these changes being of my own making, as in me choosing not to work, and now choosing to take another two months off to do a personal project. It took me a month (including travelling) to calm down. I've had to re-frame it in my head and realise that change and unknowns, even if scary for me still are also positive and exciting, and that now I'm making all these choices while sober. I'm no longer reacting while drunk or getting depressed due to alcohol/my behaviour. I'm actually really excited to be doing things I want to do now. I also read your travels on here, that has made me plan to go for longer trips next year.

I'm also using my time to get back into meditation and do more exercise, and see people I haven't seen for a bit, as well as go to AA (if that's not someone's thing I just find it useful to get in touch with other sober people or people who know me well to chat through any issues I'm having, which can be done online or other groups I find).

You'll be fine if you reach out to others to talk about it (like you're doing) and look at what's coming up as new opportunities. Which it is, good luck, will be nice to hear about it And thanks for posting it, I don't feel so alone now.

bigsombrero

Haha, thanks Bob. I hear you.

Thanks for the responses. I'm not so much worried about the culture shock. I've spent 6 of the past 12 months in Central America and have seemed to be okay.

I think I will get back to what helped me in Chicago over the winter - get a wall calendar, and start listing off things I did that day. Be active. Go to the park, go to the coffee shops. Engage in conversations. Don't push myself. Enjoy my surroundings. Keep it simple. Develop a routine. Keep learning. Avoid triggers. Heck, maybe I'll even go to a damn AA meeting.

For this upcoming set of planes, trains, and automobiles, I will need to be well rested. So I will get a lot of rest over the next 24 hours or so. Stay away from too much caffeine and nicotine. Breathe, relax. Download some soothing podcasts. Eat healthy.

Just writing this all down and sharing it has helped. Thanks hombres y mujeres.

Junegirl

Bigsombrero,

I think I know how you feel. I traveled Australia and New Zealand for almost two months and I had feelings of dread when it was time to come home. It was particularly difficult because 9/11 happened while I was in AU and everybody kept telling things were different at home. I guess I was worried about restarting my life and what the next step would be (I had no clue). I also had this sort of sad feeling of having to return to "reality", the drudgery of the 9-5, leaving behind people I'd met that I would never see, again, etc. Looking back on it, it was a mourning period. For me, I wish I'd planned more what I would do when I got back to the states. I don't know if you're the same way, but having a plan in hand definitely helps me shake feelings of dread. Look online and see if there are new activities you'd like to take up that you can get excited about. You're so lucky to be going to Chicago, so much to do there! Ask friends to take up new, healthy activities with you. Plan how you'll stay healthy and sober in your new life, and maybe line up some therapy or recovery meetings if you think you might need them.

Anyway, that's my dos centavos. Espero que te ayude. Buena suerte, sombrero,

June

bigsombrero

Thanks June and regeneration!

Yeah, I have a plan...but I've found it's best for me not to really "get my heart set" on something. I have work, online, and make a livable income that allows me to travel and live somewhat "off the grid". I was in Costa Rica for three months last fall, and I came home with an UNREALISTIC plan, which really caused me to spiral into depression. Last time, when I returned home, I was going to convince my family and friends that I was "normal" again and return to the 9-to-5 world and get a "normal" suit and tie job again. Upon getting back I realized this was unrealistic, and I felt pressure, and I felt trapped. Chicago will always be "home", but last time I let my own expectations created a "prison".

This time I am going home feeling okay about being who I am. I am living my life for ME, not for others. I am a people pleaser, and I have learned through support and like-minded individuals how to get out of that mind set.

My main issues have always come from my perception that I can only live the life I want for myself by letting others down. I created a trade-off.

I just need to keep that in mind, and not get too caught up in the whole "what will everyone think" issue.

Your responses were indeed helpful! Gracias.

fantail

Re-entry always sucks... I hear you on the unrealistic plans. I know I've mentioned I've done a lot of moving in and out of the country and yet somehow I never learn that very basic lesson, so I think you've got a leg up by recognizing that. Setting realistic expectations is so important.

Also, I don't know if this is the case for you since I know you've done a lot of traveling, but one thing that I often see trip people up is when they have a very separate home life from travel life. If your existing friends haven't done much traveling, meetup.com, grubwithus.com and couchsurfing.com are nice ways to meet people who enjoy talking about culture and places. It's always nice to have people who understand that when you describe the setting of a story you're giving context, not trying to sound exotic.

Finally, and this is just my cheesy self, but I like to have little talismans to anchor me. This isn't travel-specific but it sometimes is. I'll get a special piece of jewelry or a small object to symbolize a certain realization or awareness that I've reached, and then keep it with me for a while. That way when I find myself losing that "birds eye view" perspective on life and getting caught in the day-to-day, I have something physical to remind me of those ideas.

Good luck!!

cheapredwino

What was your impression of Costa Rica?

bigsombrero

Your words of wisdom aren't going unnoticed!

Thing is, I'm not really "traveling" per se, I am just...living here. I'm not in Guatemala to travel around and take pictures and have amazing experiences...I'm just living here. I had an apartment here last month, and this month I just went down to the beach and lived in a town for $7 bucks per night. When I meet travelers here, they always want to know where I'm going or what I've seen, and when I tell them I'm just here to "live here" sometimes even they don't get it. This isn't a once-in-a-lifetime experience, etc, etc. I might never come here again, but I don't treat it like that.

It is really hard for my old friends to comprehend, in fact it's impossible. In their minds I should be building something. I told one friend that I turned down a job here, and she said "Oh I'm sorry, you will find what you are looking for someday". As if I am on some quest and looking for answers.

All those who wander are not lost.

I don't consider my life exotic at all (today I went and got coffee, then came home, checked the internet and then went to get a sandwich. LOL) Thanks for those web recommendations, BTW.

As for the little token, yeah I like that idea. Sometimes I carry around foreign cash (weird I know) so when I look in my wallet I always see a reminder I am doing the same things, just in different places. But a little ******** might be more practical than accidentally pulling out some Quetzales when I'm trying to pay for my Fiber One bars at the supermarket.

bigsombrero

And yeah, this is the most important part. I used to get really depressed because going home meant "THE END" and that meant changing everything all over again. I need to view this as just another place to live for a couple months before I move on again. Keeping an open mind is important too - who knows, maybe I'll meet my dream girl and stumble upon my dream job next week in Chicago! I also have to remember to be practical, and not to get ahead of myself - don't start planning that trip to Indonesia just yet. Take my time, eat well, learn, study, rest, and don't force anything. Thanks again for your post and letting me voice my stuff etc.

TheEnd

Why were you living in Guatemala?

bigsombrero

I suppose because of the mountains, volcanoes, beaches on both oceans, jungles, animals, people, and I can speak the language. And it's in North America. Flights are reasonable, housing is cheap. Are those good enough reasons? There is really no reason "why", it's just because I enjoy seeing new places and this worked out.