Talking to the kids
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 443
Talking to the kids
I am at 8 months sober now, going real strong.
My kids are ages 9 and 7, and they have not said anything about Dad not drinking. It just appears to have completely escaped their notice. (I take this, thankfully, as evidence that I hid my drinking from them very well.)
At some point, especially as they get older, they will catch on and ask why I never drink.
How would you discuss alcohol addiction with kids of this age? How old do you think kids should be for a frank discussion on the topic?
Any experience or advice appreciated!
My kids are ages 9 and 7, and they have not said anything about Dad not drinking. It just appears to have completely escaped their notice. (I take this, thankfully, as evidence that I hid my drinking from them very well.)
At some point, especially as they get older, they will catch on and ask why I never drink.
How would you discuss alcohol addiction with kids of this age? How old do you think kids should be for a frank discussion on the topic?
Any experience or advice appreciated!
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Children don't hear everything, but they do see almost everything.
If they mention that you seem different in some positive way(s), this is your cue to tell them why -- that you're taking better care of yourself, and that this includes your decision not to drink, because drinking makes you ill.
Your children are old enough to understand what's going on, and so it's important that they feel safe in talking about it. Try not to avoid conversations about what they see and what they know. It's important that you be honest with them. As so often happens in divorce and serious illness, children blame themselves for the pain, suffering and chaos. Children also internalize the active alcoholic's denial, and are sometimes overly burdened with keeping the family's secret.
As the discussion progresses over time, it's also important for children to know that you have a disease (debates over whether or not alcohol is a disease are trumped by your children's well being), that what has happened to you happens to many people, and that there are other children who have parents with the same condition. This will help them to appreciate that you are not a bad person, no matter what you've done while you're drinking, and instead allow them to see you as a sick person who's trying to get better.
If they felt abandoned by you while you were drinking, the best remedy is to demonstrate a genuine concern for them and their feelings. Telling them you're a good guy who deserves their love is a perfect way to have them feel as though you're once again erasing their feelings, further causing them not to feel safe with you.
All of this applies generally for our relationships with our kids. The best we can do with our children -- really, with anyone -- is to give them the honesty of our feelings. Some people call this love.
Finally, take their lead. Children can easily become overwhelmed by an outpouring of feelings, even when those feelings are positive. Allow your instincts to be your guide. As sober people, we often reclaim our ability to trust ourselves and our feelings.
This may seem like a lot. But it's also a tremendous and potentially valuable challenge that can pay off for them and for you for the rest of your lives.
If they mention that you seem different in some positive way(s), this is your cue to tell them why -- that you're taking better care of yourself, and that this includes your decision not to drink, because drinking makes you ill.
Your children are old enough to understand what's going on, and so it's important that they feel safe in talking about it. Try not to avoid conversations about what they see and what they know. It's important that you be honest with them. As so often happens in divorce and serious illness, children blame themselves for the pain, suffering and chaos. Children also internalize the active alcoholic's denial, and are sometimes overly burdened with keeping the family's secret.
As the discussion progresses over time, it's also important for children to know that you have a disease (debates over whether or not alcohol is a disease are trumped by your children's well being), that what has happened to you happens to many people, and that there are other children who have parents with the same condition. This will help them to appreciate that you are not a bad person, no matter what you've done while you're drinking, and instead allow them to see you as a sick person who's trying to get better.
If they felt abandoned by you while you were drinking, the best remedy is to demonstrate a genuine concern for them and their feelings. Telling them you're a good guy who deserves their love is a perfect way to have them feel as though you're once again erasing their feelings, further causing them not to feel safe with you.
All of this applies generally for our relationships with our kids. The best we can do with our children -- really, with anyone -- is to give them the honesty of our feelings. Some people call this love.
Finally, take their lead. Children can easily become overwhelmed by an outpouring of feelings, even when those feelings are positive. Allow your instincts to be your guide. As sober people, we often reclaim our ability to trust ourselves and our feelings.
This may seem like a lot. But it's also a tremendous and potentially valuable challenge that can pay off for them and for you for the rest of your lives.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
My father quit drinking when I was young. His family had been affected by alcoholism. I was a smart kid, and he's a smart guy, and he had many thoughtful conversations with me about alcohol and drinking.
The thing is, when it comes to the stuff about alcohol specifically? I had no idea what he was talking about until I was older... much older, maybe 15 or 16.
Apparently when I was around eight I freaked out that we had sodas in the car because we were drinking and driving...
If you were successful at keeping your drinking fairly low key, the likelihood that your kids understand -- not intellectually, but really grasp -- the concept of "an altered state of mind" is very slim. I knew what being drunk meant, but it wasn't until years later, after I'd tried drinking myself, that I went to an extended family gathering and realized with a shock, oh my god, all my aunts and uncles are drunk right now! I'd never put that together. They just got loud at parties, I had thought.
So my Dad was very sweet and thoughtfully explained to me all kinds of things about alcohol and alcoholism. The important stuff to me was the violence that it had caused in his family, and the story of how he decided that it wasn't good for him, that he was relying on it too much, and quit. It was really good to know that, it made me feel close to him.
It never even dawned on me to wonder if he was sick, or a bad person, or any of those things. Or to know more about alcoholism or if he was an alcoholic. He was my Dad. Everything he did was 100% normal. He didn't drink, but since I didn't comprehend "drunk" beyond the dictionary definition, that was as easy a fact to adapt to as the fact that he liked certain types of hobbies or didn't like a certain TV show.
I was curious about alcohol only insofar as I wanted to know more about how my Dad's world worked.
So I'd say that the important things when they come up are not really about alcoholism (although that'll be important when they get older... if I'd had less of a rebellious streak I could've avoided alcoholism all together if I'd listened to my Dad). For now though I think the important stuff is about stress, and coping with it, and how you recognize when your habits are good for you or bad for you. And what's important in life, making priorities, all of that. A lot of the wisdom that you're gaining from quitting will be really useful to your kids, and I think they'll be able to relate to that a lot better than any of the stuff about alcohol.
'Cause really the big takeaway for me was that my Dad was brave, and that he could teach me how to be brave too.
The thing is, when it comes to the stuff about alcohol specifically? I had no idea what he was talking about until I was older... much older, maybe 15 or 16.
Apparently when I was around eight I freaked out that we had sodas in the car because we were drinking and driving...
If you were successful at keeping your drinking fairly low key, the likelihood that your kids understand -- not intellectually, but really grasp -- the concept of "an altered state of mind" is very slim. I knew what being drunk meant, but it wasn't until years later, after I'd tried drinking myself, that I went to an extended family gathering and realized with a shock, oh my god, all my aunts and uncles are drunk right now! I'd never put that together. They just got loud at parties, I had thought.
So my Dad was very sweet and thoughtfully explained to me all kinds of things about alcohol and alcoholism. The important stuff to me was the violence that it had caused in his family, and the story of how he decided that it wasn't good for him, that he was relying on it too much, and quit. It was really good to know that, it made me feel close to him.
It never even dawned on me to wonder if he was sick, or a bad person, or any of those things. Or to know more about alcoholism or if he was an alcoholic. He was my Dad. Everything he did was 100% normal. He didn't drink, but since I didn't comprehend "drunk" beyond the dictionary definition, that was as easy a fact to adapt to as the fact that he liked certain types of hobbies or didn't like a certain TV show.
I was curious about alcohol only insofar as I wanted to know more about how my Dad's world worked.
So I'd say that the important things when they come up are not really about alcoholism (although that'll be important when they get older... if I'd had less of a rebellious streak I could've avoided alcoholism all together if I'd listened to my Dad). For now though I think the important stuff is about stress, and coping with it, and how you recognize when your habits are good for you or bad for you. And what's important in life, making priorities, all of that. A lot of the wisdom that you're gaining from quitting will be really useful to your kids, and I think they'll be able to relate to that a lot better than any of the stuff about alcohol.
'Cause really the big takeaway for me was that my Dad was brave, and that he could teach me how to be brave too.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Southern Arizona
Posts: 275
What end game is saying is really good advice. Taking their lead is really key. It would be nice to just say talk to them when they ask about it first. But kids don't always know how to bring up conversations even when they want one. I know I felt that way as a kid. My little brother is 12, and my drinking got bad... It was noticable to him too. He'd seen pictures of me drunk and he smelled it on me several times and made him uncomfortable. (that last bit I heard from my mom, he didn't ask me personally) and there were several occasions where I had canceled plans to hang out with him because he had a hangover. He didn't know that's why but he knew I was unreliable. I noticed (as I got sober) that he no longer showed respect toward me. And I made it known to the whole family that I was going to AA. So one day I sat down with him and told him I knew he knew I was drinking, and that I'm not planning on drinking ever again. And I apologized for not being a good role model and told him that I wanted to be. At the end of the conversation he gave me the biggest hug I'd ever been given and told me that he loved me.
I'm glad I had that talk with him.
Just wanted to share my story. Maybe it will help.
I'm glad I had that talk with him.
Just wanted to share my story. Maybe it will help.
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