Partner has decided to start drinking again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: toronto, on
Posts: 59
Partner has decided to start drinking again
Wow, it's been a while since I posted here. For the record, I quit drinking end of May/early June 2011. I haven't had a drop of alcohol since. So, I'm around 2 years sober though honestly it feels like it's been years and years... I also quit smoking last June, 2012. A year off the nicotine as well. Still miss both substances and realize I probably will miss them for the rest of my years. But I know I can't go back to either because it would mark the beginning of the end for me.
My partner quit drinking a bit after me. I believe it's been a year and a half for her, of sobriety. She quit because her life was in danger when she drank. One night she cut up her legs after a night of heavy drinking and was hospitalized. Another night she fell down on the sidewalk and hit her head, collapsing in her vomit, having to be assisted by strangers to get her home. She has been emotionally abusive to me when she's been drunk. She's like a different person and honestly, I can't say she's someone I like when she drinks. She attended AA meetings for around 6 months and they seemed to help her stay on track. But she kept fighting against it - she kept saying that sobriety was "too extreme" and that she was missing out on truly living, having fun, letting loose. She kept saying that she didn't believe sobriety was a natural state for anyone and that maybe now, after a period of sober reflection, she could do it differently. Now, she thinks she can do it in a controlled manner. I told her that hearing that made me think of an arsonist saying that they were going to light "small, contained fires." And she smiled at the analogy but nevertheless, she's going down this road, as of yesterday.
Yesterday she went out for a big social function with friends. She decided to test her theory and she had "4 drinks." I suspect that her so-called 4 drinks weren't bottles but rather, pints, so she went out yesterday and consumed a six pack, essentially. Today she was all smiles and acting all-happy-go-lucky. She believes she's choosing freedom, choosing life. Choosing not to live in the "extreme" of sobriety. She's choosing to believe that alcohol is neutral to her, that it's not a problem.
We were supposed to spend the day together but I felt blindsided by this decision of hers and needed to come home (we live in the same apt building but not together) to frankly, have a cry. I feel worried. I feel like this is the beginning of the end for her. I'm scared for her safety, her well-being, and her life. I've told her all of this in an e-mail and she has replied with "I'm sick of being scared of my past. I need to trust myself again. I'm sick of living in fear of myself."
So basically she's telling me that this is the road she's going down and if I don't like it, well... that's the unclear part. And that's what has brought me back to this forum. I feel like this is a deal-breaker for me. I don't want to watch happens from here. And I know I can't stop her. I feel like just bowing out, though. Just walking away. I do not want to witness the kinds of things I've witnessed from her in the past. She's sick of being scared of her past but some of us (me) ARE still just plain scared of her past and what's more is, it wasn't that long ago either...
Any advice would be much appreciated. Feel a bit lost and confused.
Thanks,
Pancakes
My partner quit drinking a bit after me. I believe it's been a year and a half for her, of sobriety. She quit because her life was in danger when she drank. One night she cut up her legs after a night of heavy drinking and was hospitalized. Another night she fell down on the sidewalk and hit her head, collapsing in her vomit, having to be assisted by strangers to get her home. She has been emotionally abusive to me when she's been drunk. She's like a different person and honestly, I can't say she's someone I like when she drinks. She attended AA meetings for around 6 months and they seemed to help her stay on track. But she kept fighting against it - she kept saying that sobriety was "too extreme" and that she was missing out on truly living, having fun, letting loose. She kept saying that she didn't believe sobriety was a natural state for anyone and that maybe now, after a period of sober reflection, she could do it differently. Now, she thinks she can do it in a controlled manner. I told her that hearing that made me think of an arsonist saying that they were going to light "small, contained fires." And she smiled at the analogy but nevertheless, she's going down this road, as of yesterday.
Yesterday she went out for a big social function with friends. She decided to test her theory and she had "4 drinks." I suspect that her so-called 4 drinks weren't bottles but rather, pints, so she went out yesterday and consumed a six pack, essentially. Today she was all smiles and acting all-happy-go-lucky. She believes she's choosing freedom, choosing life. Choosing not to live in the "extreme" of sobriety. She's choosing to believe that alcohol is neutral to her, that it's not a problem.
We were supposed to spend the day together but I felt blindsided by this decision of hers and needed to come home (we live in the same apt building but not together) to frankly, have a cry. I feel worried. I feel like this is the beginning of the end for her. I'm scared for her safety, her well-being, and her life. I've told her all of this in an e-mail and she has replied with "I'm sick of being scared of my past. I need to trust myself again. I'm sick of living in fear of myself."
So basically she's telling me that this is the road she's going down and if I don't like it, well... that's the unclear part. And that's what has brought me back to this forum. I feel like this is a deal-breaker for me. I don't want to watch happens from here. And I know I can't stop her. I feel like just bowing out, though. Just walking away. I do not want to witness the kinds of things I've witnessed from her in the past. She's sick of being scared of her past but some of us (me) ARE still just plain scared of her past and what's more is, it wasn't that long ago either...
Any advice would be much appreciated. Feel a bit lost and confused.
Thanks,
Pancakes
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by 888 pancakes 
Any advice would be much appreciated. Feel a bit lost and confused.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 146
You're going to have to make some decisions that only you can make, but if she gets wild and unpredictable when she's drinking, and if you try to restrain her for some reason, and if she gets into a spiteful rage, and if she calls 911, where's it all going to lead?
If she's emotionally abusive when she's drunk, then are those feelings that she houses inside her while sober but doesn't feel brave enough to communicate? Nobody has to put up with any kind of abuse; it just weakens you emotionally.
You never know what or who is around the corner on the streets of life. Stay safely on the block you know or bravely walk new streets. The choice is yours. If you leave her, prepare to live the rest of your life alone, but also prepare to meet 'the one'.
I know what I would do, but that's me.
If she's emotionally abusive when she's drunk, then are those feelings that she houses inside her while sober but doesn't feel brave enough to communicate? Nobody has to put up with any kind of abuse; it just weakens you emotionally.
You never know what or who is around the corner on the streets of life. Stay safely on the block you know or bravely walk new streets. The choice is yours. If you leave her, prepare to live the rest of your life alone, but also prepare to meet 'the one'.
I know what I would do, but that's me.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi
If you are open to the 12 steps, you might want to consider going to Al Anon. Al Anon saved my sanity. Feel free to post on the double winners thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
We can become and stay clean and sober and find contentment whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.
If you are open to the 12 steps, you might want to consider going to Al Anon. Al Anon saved my sanity. Feel free to post on the double winners thread
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html
We can become and stay clean and sober and find contentment whether our loved ones are still drinking/using or not.
High on Life
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Been to Hell and Back
Posts: 1,157
All I can say is this is the road she needs to travel to get where she needs to be. I stopped drinking a few times and went back, because I had to thoroughly convince myself without a shadow of a doubt, that drinking was no longer an option for me. To sit around and not drink when you are not totally convinced, will have the person always thinking that maybe they could do it. I hope she makes it through this trial period unscathed, but if she is as bad as you say she is, there will be some bad episodes. Hopefully then she will be thoroughly convinced.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hi Pancakes
Previously I had over a year sober and, like your partner, thought I had reset my system and could start afresh and drink sensibly. For me I started fine and then it started to creep up until my drinking was on the same level as before, and then it increased another notch.
I tell you this not to depress you, but because it does have a good ending. I realized (albeit a bit too slowly) that a good period of sobriety hadn't cured me, and so when I gave up again, about 15 months ago, I gave up knowing that I was embracing life-long sobriety. That was a difficult decision to face at the time (which seems strange now, as I'm so happy with the sober life), but it was a much stronger commitment than the first time around.
Some of us, I guess, have to learn the hard way.
So don't give up hope.
Keeping you both in prayer.
God bless +
Michael
Previously I had over a year sober and, like your partner, thought I had reset my system and could start afresh and drink sensibly. For me I started fine and then it started to creep up until my drinking was on the same level as before, and then it increased another notch.
I tell you this not to depress you, but because it does have a good ending. I realized (albeit a bit too slowly) that a good period of sobriety hadn't cured me, and so when I gave up again, about 15 months ago, I gave up knowing that I was embracing life-long sobriety. That was a difficult decision to face at the time (which seems strange now, as I'm so happy with the sober life), but it was a much stronger commitment than the first time around.
Some of us, I guess, have to learn the hard way.
So don't give up hope.
Keeping you both in prayer.
God bless +
Michael
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