Secret Recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
Secret Recovery?
After many years of alcoholism, I decided last week I'd had enough. I also gave up smoking for good measure.
On the whole, I got through the week well. I almost had a relapse when my well intentioned girlfriend insisted I tried the (very good) red wine she had just bought. I had a sip, and somehow left it at that.
She doesn't know, or maybe recognise I had a drink problem, I think I must have hidden it better than most. I would drink daily, usually around 2 bottles of wine or the equivalent in beer or spirits.
So after a week, I feel quite proud of myself, I feel better than I have in years, I but I am not ready to admit to anyone I had a problem. I feel like I am fighting alone, and win or lose, nobody will really notice. Has anybody gone through this process? How did you cope? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
On the whole, I got through the week well. I almost had a relapse when my well intentioned girlfriend insisted I tried the (very good) red wine she had just bought. I had a sip, and somehow left it at that.
She doesn't know, or maybe recognise I had a drink problem, I think I must have hidden it better than most. I would drink daily, usually around 2 bottles of wine or the equivalent in beer or spirits.
So after a week, I feel quite proud of myself, I feel better than I have in years, I but I am not ready to admit to anyone I had a problem. I feel like I am fighting alone, and win or lose, nobody will really notice. Has anybody gone through this process? How did you cope? Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support and information here.
I know, for me, I could not do it alone. If I did not have face to face or if I could not pick up that phone and talk to someone, I would not be where I am today. I need people that are also alcoholics to talk to because they understand.
Now I did not shout it from the rooftops either. Only a few know, my mother, a good friend and my daughter, that I have quit drinking and I am going to AA. I do not talk about AA or my recovery with them though.
Maybe it is just the wording but I see "had" several times in your post.
I am an alcoholic. I am always going to be an alcoholic. Just because I don't drink does not make it go away. I have a problem with alcohol and I always will. I drank to get drunk. That was my goal. I did not drink to relax or have a good time although that may have been my intention in the beginning. Once I got drunk for the first time, that is what I wanted. I wanted that drunk and I used that drunk to hide from all my problems and resentments. I also had no control after the first drink. Once I had one I had to have more and more and after many years I was chasing the drunk that I could no longer achieve.
I used to think I quit drinking but now I look at it as I don't drink.
I know, for me, I could not do it alone. If I did not have face to face or if I could not pick up that phone and talk to someone, I would not be where I am today. I need people that are also alcoholics to talk to because they understand.
Now I did not shout it from the rooftops either. Only a few know, my mother, a good friend and my daughter, that I have quit drinking and I am going to AA. I do not talk about AA or my recovery with them though.
Maybe it is just the wording but I see "had" several times in your post.
I am an alcoholic. I am always going to be an alcoholic. Just because I don't drink does not make it go away. I have a problem with alcohol and I always will. I drank to get drunk. That was my goal. I did not drink to relax or have a good time although that may have been my intention in the beginning. Once I got drunk for the first time, that is what I wanted. I wanted that drunk and I used that drunk to hide from all my problems and resentments. I also had no control after the first drink. Once I had one I had to have more and more and after many years I was chasing the drunk that I could no longer achieve.
I used to think I quit drinking but now I look at it as I don't drink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
I think 'had' is the correct term, I wouldn't suit AA, some of their methods and the general ethos does not work for me.
I appreciate the advice re the girlfriend, but I really don't think talking to her would do anything to help in any practical sense. I am what you might call a private person, and the way I see it, if I can get through the first week alone, I can certainly get through the second.
I appreciate the advice re the girlfriend, but I really don't think talking to her would do anything to help in any practical sense. I am what you might call a private person, and the way I see it, if I can get through the first week alone, I can certainly get through the second.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I suffer from alcoholism.
The 12 Steps of AA addresses my substance problem and treats all of my "isms" on a daily basis.
As dry time continues the fact that you do/do not need AA will reveal itself.
All the best.
Bob R
The 12 Steps of AA addresses my substance problem and treats all of my "isms" on a daily basis.
As dry time continues the fact that you do/do not need AA will reveal itself.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
My story exactly Ialone. I was a very secret drinker and no one knew about it or thought much of it when I quit. I also gave up smoking at the same time. Huge lifestyle change and quite a shock to the system. Your ethos about quitting is very similar to AVRT and there is a lot of people who have used that here, myself included. I found I felt too alone though after a while and I told my family after a couple of months sober and after 3 months I started going to AA and got some other support as well. Other people in my life knowing about it did not help me though, and ultimately neither did AA. For myself though I find it important to keep in close contact with others in recovery because I tend to start thinking drinking is a good idea if I stray to far, but I basically just do that by coming here and I am hopefully going to start some volunteer work at a local alcohol agency soon too. Glad you are here x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 480
Hey, Ialone - welcome to SR.
I saw the title of your post and clicked immediately: I, too, have been pretty private about quitting drinking. Only my two closest friends and my shrink know (not that I have that many more people left in my life at this point, but I definitely haven't told my wife). She knows I'm not drinking, but I haven't made any bold statements about it.
That said, is there a reason you don't want to tell your g/f? You don't have to make a big deal of it - it can be part of a healthy new-leaf-turning of not smoking, etc. That way, she can just be part of your new reality of "I just don't drink" instead of, innocently, trying to get you to drink....? I found that it's good to tell someone, not only for support, but to encourage my accountability - if my sobriety is a complete secret, then so, too, would be my slide back into drinking/using. Tricky, eh?
For me, the drinking problem was one of isolation; recovery from that problem needs support of some kind - but that's not true of everyone. The way I cope is spending a lot of time on this board, giving and getting encouragement. I use the tools folks suggest (the latest of which, Urge Surfing, is incredibly helpful), I've gone to (in-person) AA, but there's also SMART and other such groups - not sure what you have in England.
Anyway, welcome again - this is a great place to be.
I saw the title of your post and clicked immediately: I, too, have been pretty private about quitting drinking. Only my two closest friends and my shrink know (not that I have that many more people left in my life at this point, but I definitely haven't told my wife). She knows I'm not drinking, but I haven't made any bold statements about it.
That said, is there a reason you don't want to tell your g/f? You don't have to make a big deal of it - it can be part of a healthy new-leaf-turning of not smoking, etc. That way, she can just be part of your new reality of "I just don't drink" instead of, innocently, trying to get you to drink....? I found that it's good to tell someone, not only for support, but to encourage my accountability - if my sobriety is a complete secret, then so, too, would be my slide back into drinking/using. Tricky, eh?
For me, the drinking problem was one of isolation; recovery from that problem needs support of some kind - but that's not true of everyone. The way I cope is spending a lot of time on this board, giving and getting encouragement. I use the tools folks suggest (the latest of which, Urge Surfing, is incredibly helpful), I've gone to (in-person) AA, but there's also SMART and other such groups - not sure what you have in England.
Anyway, welcome again - this is a great place to be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
No one knows I stopped drinking except members here, my doctor and my life counselor. I drank alone anyway so for the most part it was a non-issue.
I am not an alcoholic. I am permanently abstinent from alcohol and recovered. I don't drink. Ever.
If you haven't yet, I would suggest googling Rational Recovery/AVRT. It completely explained everything regarding my alcohol and made perfect sense.
For years I ran away from the one day at a time boogeyman. Not anymore because I don't not drink one day at a time. I don't drink ever. Never. And I will never change my mind.
Best to you.
I am not an alcoholic. I am permanently abstinent from alcohol and recovered. I don't drink. Ever.
If you haven't yet, I would suggest googling Rational Recovery/AVRT. It completely explained everything regarding my alcohol and made perfect sense.
For years I ran away from the one day at a time boogeyman. Not anymore because I don't not drink one day at a time. I don't drink ever. Never. And I will never change my mind.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
I tried escaping ‘secretly’ from alcohol many times and it failed every time.
There is only so much lying you can do to yourself and others. I had a stomach ache, i was on tablets, I had to drive, but they were all excuses that took more emotional energy to maintain than I had available. As soon as I got to a day or two I’d slip quietly back again.
When I managed to quit for good I consciously decided to load all the dice in my favour. I knew that if I told everyone then I’d feel foolish if I went back to it. I went to my local pub and asked the landlady to promise she’d never to serve me alcohol ever again, no matter what.
I told the regulars at the bar that I was quitting for good. They weren’t supportive!
I told my best friends, my children, my wife, my work colleagues, everyone. They all said I’d not keep it up, but I did.
Good luck to you however you do it - but I do think you need to stack the cards in your favour, because there will be plenty of opportunity to slip, every day, for a long time to come. That’s just the way it is.
There is only so much lying you can do to yourself and others. I had a stomach ache, i was on tablets, I had to drive, but they were all excuses that took more emotional energy to maintain than I had available. As soon as I got to a day or two I’d slip quietly back again.
When I managed to quit for good I consciously decided to load all the dice in my favour. I knew that if I told everyone then I’d feel foolish if I went back to it. I went to my local pub and asked the landlady to promise she’d never to serve me alcohol ever again, no matter what.
I told the regulars at the bar that I was quitting for good. They weren’t supportive!
I told my best friends, my children, my wife, my work colleagues, everyone. They all said I’d not keep it up, but I did.
Good luck to you however you do it - but I do think you need to stack the cards in your favour, because there will be plenty of opportunity to slip, every day, for a long time to come. That’s just the way it is.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I drank/used etc in isolation. Very very few people knew I had substance abuse problems. They may have known I had problems, but not that it manifested in that manner.
My best friends and family were puzzled when I started going to meetings...thought I was being dramatic again. I told very few people. If I was offered a drink, I would say I wasn't drinking. I did find it necessary to tell my husband and kids, and they didn't understand it, but they saw no reason to challenge the fact that I didn't want any alcohol.
Over the course of recovery I've grown in my own relationship with booze/drugs and recovery. I still pick and choose who I discuss it with. It's not anyone's business and the fact that I am in recovery doesn't affect most of my relationships in life etc. But sometimes sharing it can help me, or another person, so I choose to.
Most of the important things I've done in life, I did through my own motivation and effort. No, of course I don't believe myself to be independent and not needing the help of others, but I got an education,written books, started a business, etc without asking the permission of others or getting their moral support. It was the same with recovery.
I have one friend who supported me and told me she could see the effort I was putting in and that I was changing. I have others who knock my program and what they believe it to be. To each his own.
SR is a great help in my recovery because it's a community of people who get it, and are always going to support my recovery.
My best friends and family were puzzled when I started going to meetings...thought I was being dramatic again. I told very few people. If I was offered a drink, I would say I wasn't drinking. I did find it necessary to tell my husband and kids, and they didn't understand it, but they saw no reason to challenge the fact that I didn't want any alcohol.
Over the course of recovery I've grown in my own relationship with booze/drugs and recovery. I still pick and choose who I discuss it with. It's not anyone's business and the fact that I am in recovery doesn't affect most of my relationships in life etc. But sometimes sharing it can help me, or another person, so I choose to.
Most of the important things I've done in life, I did through my own motivation and effort. No, of course I don't believe myself to be independent and not needing the help of others, but I got an education,written books, started a business, etc without asking the permission of others or getting their moral support. It was the same with recovery.
I have one friend who supported me and told me she could see the effort I was putting in and that I was changing. I have others who knock my program and what they believe it to be. To each his own.
SR is a great help in my recovery because it's a community of people who get it, and are always going to support my recovery.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
To me it seems crazy not to tell your girlfriend you aren't drinking. You don't have to tell her you had a problem if you really feel you can't, but if her insisting you have a sip of her wine nearly caused you to relapse, you can't afford for it to happen again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 332
lalone,
I'm 16 days sober and I haven't told anyone at all that I quit drinking for good, so I'm going through the same situation as you. I really can't tell my family because they'd be so worried about my drinking and relapsing that I would worry about them, which I don't need right now. I don't have a partner and just "broke up" with my best friend because of some problems she has that she won't get help for and which hurt other people. Most importantly though, I'm a very private person when it comes to my problems, so it's ended up that I'm going through this process alone. Still, I don't feel alone because I'm here and on the Smart Recovery website (AA really doesn't feel right for me either). I find it more helpful to other people in recovery anyway because you all understand. Normal drinkers and active alcoholics don't understand, at least as far as I can see. So that would be no help to me anyway.
I don't know if this helps, but I do know that for me, given my circumstances, I feel okay about going it alone in real life.
Best of luck with whatever you decide is best for you.
June
By the way, telling people that I'm trying to lose weight and get healthier has worked for me when people ask why I'm not drinking. Everyone has been supportive of that and it's true anyhow.
I'm 16 days sober and I haven't told anyone at all that I quit drinking for good, so I'm going through the same situation as you. I really can't tell my family because they'd be so worried about my drinking and relapsing that I would worry about them, which I don't need right now. I don't have a partner and just "broke up" with my best friend because of some problems she has that she won't get help for and which hurt other people. Most importantly though, I'm a very private person when it comes to my problems, so it's ended up that I'm going through this process alone. Still, I don't feel alone because I'm here and on the Smart Recovery website (AA really doesn't feel right for me either). I find it more helpful to other people in recovery anyway because you all understand. Normal drinkers and active alcoholics don't understand, at least as far as I can see. So that would be no help to me anyway.
I don't know if this helps, but I do know that for me, given my circumstances, I feel okay about going it alone in real life.
Best of luck with whatever you decide is best for you.
June
By the way, telling people that I'm trying to lose weight and get healthier has worked for me when people ask why I'm not drinking. Everyone has been supportive of that and it's true anyhow.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
People in my life know I'm not drinking, and I talk about why I've been enjoying being sober... but that's all. Nothing in depth and certainly nothing about my past drinking.
About 3 months in I started seeing an addictions therapist because I started feeling a bit strange... like I was at risk of starting again. The weirdness was that I was doing this huge, introspective, life-changing transition... and had not admitted to a single person in real life that it was at all a big deal.
That was a good decision for me. The therapy sessions and reading on here together keep me grounded. They help me remember that even though I forget how bad it was, and even though I act to myself and to everyone around me that it was just a self improvement task like any other.... it was a very big deal and there's a lot of related stuff to think about and work on. And also that no, I should really not go out and try to moderate unless I want to do all of it over again.
My advice would be just be sure that in private you admit to yourself that this is a big deal. I find with myself that when I start to believe my own hype, I start having trouble.
Congrats on getting through that first week!!!
About 3 months in I started seeing an addictions therapist because I started feeling a bit strange... like I was at risk of starting again. The weirdness was that I was doing this huge, introspective, life-changing transition... and had not admitted to a single person in real life that it was at all a big deal.
That was a good decision for me. The therapy sessions and reading on here together keep me grounded. They help me remember that even though I forget how bad it was, and even though I act to myself and to everyone around me that it was just a self improvement task like any other.... it was a very big deal and there's a lot of related stuff to think about and work on. And also that no, I should really not go out and try to moderate unless I want to do all of it over again.
My advice would be just be sure that in private you admit to yourself that this is a big deal. I find with myself that when I start to believe my own hype, I start having trouble.
Congrats on getting through that first week!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat 
To me it seems crazy not to tell your girlfriend you aren't drinking. You don't have to tell her you had a problem if you really feel you can't, but if her insisting you have a sip of her wine nearly caused you to relapse, you can't afford for it to happen again.
In a funny sort of way, the sip of wine strengthened my resolve, the AV got one hell of a shock when I handed the glass back. That was the point at which I knew for certain I could do this.
Thanks to you all for the kind messages, they are all very helpful and inspiring. It is good to know there are people out there fighting the same battles as me, and hopefully winning.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
IAlone,
it's the "nobody will really notice" that jumped out at me.
see, nobody knew i had a problem. and certainly nobody knew i am an alcoholic.
so in my gazillion tries to quit, nobody really noticed when i didn't.
hm. how convenient . how easily it allowed me to go right back to drinking.
this time (a few years ago), i did tell, very reluctantly, a couple of people. later, a few more.
it's made a huge difference, the fact that somebody else knows. even if they aren't especially "supportive", they are AWARE, and so am i.
they don't ask me how it's going, but at the same time don't offer me alcohol.
you've already been unable to say a firm no to any and all alcohol when pressured a bit....it's great you stopped there, but you couldn't stick with the entirely not drinking thing.
good to hear you be positive, and i'd encourage you to reconsider the decision not to tell your girlfriend.
that way, if she still offers you more wine, you'll see if there is another problem
and if she doesn't, you'll have a huge benefit.
the biggest one being that somebody will notice when you don't want anyone to notice.
cause you know what? it IS a big deal.
a very big deal.
it's the "nobody will really notice" that jumped out at me.
see, nobody knew i had a problem. and certainly nobody knew i am an alcoholic.
so in my gazillion tries to quit, nobody really noticed when i didn't.
hm. how convenient . how easily it allowed me to go right back to drinking.
this time (a few years ago), i did tell, very reluctantly, a couple of people. later, a few more.
it's made a huge difference, the fact that somebody else knows. even if they aren't especially "supportive", they are AWARE, and so am i.
they don't ask me how it's going, but at the same time don't offer me alcohol.
you've already been unable to say a firm no to any and all alcohol when pressured a bit....it's great you stopped there, but you couldn't stick with the entirely not drinking thing.
good to hear you be positive, and i'd encourage you to reconsider the decision not to tell your girlfriend.
that way, if she still offers you more wine, you'll see if there is another problem
and if she doesn't, you'll have a huge benefit.
the biggest one being that somebody will notice when you don't want anyone to notice.
cause you know what? it IS a big deal.
a very big deal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 7
fini,
I can't really allow anyone to know about my drinking, my family, my career and many other things would be seriously compromised, so I have come to terms with the fact that I am on my own dealing with it. I am comfortable with this, there is simply no other choice.
As for accepting the sip of wine, I was put on the spot, it was either take a sip, nod approvingly and hand it back, or come up with some story about why I couldn't. Under the circumstances, my circumstances, it was the right thing to do. To prevent this happening again, I have a fictional course of antibiotics for the next couple of weeks.
Looking further ahead I have a friends birthday in a couple of weeks, and my own a few days later, both of which are going to be a challenge. I will worry about that a bit further down the line!
I can't really allow anyone to know about my drinking, my family, my career and many other things would be seriously compromised, so I have come to terms with the fact that I am on my own dealing with it. I am comfortable with this, there is simply no other choice.
As for accepting the sip of wine, I was put on the spot, it was either take a sip, nod approvingly and hand it back, or come up with some story about why I couldn't. Under the circumstances, my circumstances, it was the right thing to do. To prevent this happening again, I have a fictional course of antibiotics for the next couple of weeks.
Looking further ahead I have a friends birthday in a couple of weeks, and my own a few days later, both of which are going to be a challenge. I will worry about that a bit further down the line!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I didn't tell my husband until 2 weeks after I quit. I had some severe depression that had to clear out first. He doesn't drink so it wasn't really important as far as me being around it. I can't have it in my house. I am not one of those people who could leave it alone. I only told him so I couldn't just go back to the old way. As far as other people just tell them as it comes up. I got invited to a drunkfest and I told them I was no longer going to be drinking. I didn't really come out to anyone else besides my husband and daughter. I also did most of my drinking alone also. My drinking friends are convinced I don't have a problem and my non drinking friends don't see anything weird about someone giving up booze. Congratulations on giving up the alcohol and smoking. You are past the worst with the cig's.
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