midnightapt

I've been sober for nearly 2.5 years, but in that time I have had a lot of difficulty in making new friends. I have completely cut ties with all the truly toxic people in my life (of which there were many, miserly loves company). Now pretty much the only people I spend time with (outside of work) are my parents a couple times a month and occasionally a few friends who I have known basically my entire life.

These friends are OK people, but literally every time I hang out with them they drink, and usually a pretty good amount. The last few months I've had the occasional urge to drink when I'm alone in my apartment, and I'm pretty damn sure part of that has to do with hanging out with these people.

I know it's not good for me to spend time around them, but I can get pretty damn lonely and sometimes I feel like a jerk for saying I can't hang out when I'm not really doing anything else. That's what happened tonight. I said I couldn't hang out, and now I'm just going to stay in and watch soccer.

Anyone else ever run into this issue? Thanks for listening.

Happier

Yes. Grateful for my wife but really have no other non-drinking fiends. We are working at it though and it is hard work. To be honest, I don't always feel like being social. Sounds terrible but sometimes dinner plans with another couple that we don't know very well sounds more like work than fun. I usually do end up enjoying it though. Regardless, I see it as an investment. It takes time, effort and commitment to cultivate meaningful friendships. Hard to open up and be vulnerable too.
We are starting to meet more people and most of which I look forward to seeing LoL.
I hope you stick with it. It is a worthy goal to find real, non-drinking friendships.

midnightapt

Man I know exactly what you mean. It's weird. I get lonely sometimes but I also often dread having to spend time with people. And just like you I usually enjoy it when I actually wind up doing something social, but getting over that hump can seem like a monumental task.

I really should go to AA but for whatever reason I've never gone to a meeting. I really can't think of any other "safe" way to meet people, because I know I'm still extremely vulnerable to picking up a drink in a social situation, especially upon meeting new people.

Happier

I think AA is a good idea. I haven't gone for myself but went to a few open meetings with my dad when I was younger. He was dedicated to AA and always seemed to have great friendships no matter where he lived. I mean real friends that would spend real time together and do anything for each other. i was always a little envious of that. And believe me, he was not always easy to be friends with! LOL

I think churches mat be another place where odds are a little better to find non drinkers. May depend on the church though!
Jumping into new hobbies or rekindling old ones may be another way to find friends with similar interests. I meet people golfing and exercising sometimes.
Who knows? I trust that it will just happen as long as we stay open to opportunities and put out a reasonable effort. I hope so anyway.

Diva76

Hello Midnight...

Congratulations on your decision to choose sobriety...
As I read your post, it made me wonder if there were any friends you may have pushed away as a result of your drinking?

If so, is there a possibility that you may be able to re-connect with these friends given you're in a much healthier place?

If they were real friends to begin with, I'm sure they will be very happy for you and will understand your desire not to drink...

I'm not an alcoholic, but I choose not to drink, either...
So, oddly enough, I sometimes feel the same frustration as you do!
I don't mind if someone chooses to drink responsibly, as in one or two drinks, but being around people who live just to get wasted is NOT for me...

All the best,



Linda

EndGameNYC

I too felt loneliness when I first got sober. I was working as a bartender in NYC at the time, and it was easy for me to meet people, but virtually all of them were drinkers and people who used coke and/or weed as well.

When I put down the drink, I found I had little in common with these people. I had a very difficult time meeting and socializing with people in AA. But I forced myself to do this, a little bit at a time. My sponsor also put me into contact with others in sobriety, and meeting new people eventually became second nature to me.

You might try some sober activities, like taking a class in something you like, in order to feel more comfortable with new people.

Grungehead

I drank so much of my adult life I kind of forgot who the real me was. What I finally realized when the fog lifted a bit is that I have always been a bit introverted and I used alcohol to artificially make me a more sociable person. The only close friends I have now besides family are two guys that I have known most of my life and my sponsor. I have accepted the fact that there is nothing wrong with being introverted and enjoying just "being" without having to have someone around all of the time.

soberclover

I'm in the same spot. I often spend time alone because I'm not in a place where I trust myself to not drink in social situations. I know from being in NA many years ago I did form great friendships. Over time friendships faded and some including myself relapsed. I believe in the power of the fellowship and I know I need to get back. I'm slowly attending a few meeting here and there. It can't hurt...only help I think....maybe for you too?

Strength11

I can completely relate to everything you said. I am at the start of my sobriety, almost 3 months in. But I have cut ties with people I thought were my friends but they were merely drinking partners. I just cannot surround myself in that environment. I have met a few people at AA meetings. Which is nice because they can relate. I do spend a lot of time on my own sometimes though. But I try to find ways to keep myself busy. Watch a good movie, go for a run / workout, make a good meal, journaling, reading, etc. Try to use your alone time to discover more of who you are and what you want out of this life. Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. If you ever feel too lonely and want to drink just come on here and vent. So many people here understand what you are going through. Hang in there and congrats on your sobriety!!

wanttobepure

Some ideas - Take classes at your local community college, volunteer for an organization that interests you, go to events on meetup.com, meet people at coffee shops, summer music festivals, farmer's markets, start a new hobby, go to the gym, start running and join a running group, join a movie club, book club, yoga, become a docent at a museum, sierra club, investment club, etc.

midnightapt

Thanks to you all for your responses. I think I need to work on accepting myself as an introvert, while still making an effort to get involved at least a little bit socially, enough to be happy with myself while still not overdoing it or putting myself in a dangerous situation. Thanks again everyone.

cheapredwino

It's not terrible at all! My wife made me couple socialize with her best friend and her husband for years, despite my protests. Just because they were the best of friends, they demanded that their husbands be the best of friends. Well, him and I mixed just about as well as oil and water. I hated him. One night while at a campground on my birthday (yes, she invited them to camp with us on my birthday, knowing full well I hated him), we were all drinking, and after years of tolerating each other, him and I finally had a serious argument and it ended with a fist fight. I vowed that night to separate from a wife who ignored my feelings for years.

She wants to get back together, but it took me 10 months to get over the anger and resentment.

Anyway....

couple socializing is **** unless you and her are totally on the same page.

Boleo

Hanging out with moderate drinkers might be OK but hanging out with heavy drinkers will lead to problems sooner or later. The words "they drink, and usually a pretty good amount" say they are NOT moderate drinkers.

cheapredwino

I forgot to say, I'm going to get a pug!
I'd rather be with an animal than a person right now!

Dee74

I had to change my friend circle pronto.

I reconnected with old friends who I'd moved away from or moved away from me because of my drinking - I also made new friends - wanttobepures suggestions are great

You don't need to be a hermit - you just need to think about where you're going and who you're doing it with - I've had many fun coffee and pizza evenings, or going to the movies, or engaging in hobbies etc

think outside the old 'drinking or bust' box

D

Diva76

Love it!

Harley19

I would not recommend it. All of my relapses have been related to being around others who are drinking and the social pressure to conform.....sadly, a lot of my friends are also my family members, so I have to pull back from them in order to stay sober in the past. I vow to only visit when nessecary and to not stay longer than needed. It sucks to pull away and to isolate from friends and family, but that is what it takes in my opinion. And, I liked what another person said about engaging in proactive activities or groups to meet with ppl who do other things than drink.

Halzuzu

I too cut ties with toxic "friends" and the drinking buddies. I am also very shy and find it difficult to make new friends. As other people have suggested, I signed up for a few classes, actively volunteered, bought a bunch of Groupons for activities I'd always wanted to try but was always too drunk/hungover to actually do it. I've met some great new people. I also make it a point to be open-minded to most, if not all, invitations (minus those that may include heavy drinking) that come my way even if I'm feeling like I don't want to attend . Think Jim Carrey in "Yes Man". This has expanded my horizons and exposed me to people and things that I normally shyed away from. Be open.