Luckygoldfish

So I'm on day 2 of sobriety, it hasn't been too terrible. It's a Friday afternoon, which would usually mean that I'm 1 or 2 beers in right about now. Especially because my BF took a half-day at his job, and I got off work a couple of hours ago. Tonight he's planning on going to see a concert, and he's going to have a couple of beers, (literally 1 or 2) and come home later tonight smelling more like cigarettes than alcohol. He's been so supportive of my decision. I think he's mostly surprised. Most of my worst behavior while drinking was with my Ex-Husband or when I was single, since meeting him I've been a happy-go-lucky drunk. I would overdo it, but since he didn't really count my drinks I think he assumed that I was just keeping in time with him, not realizing that I would have 2 to his every one.

I had plans to have a relaxing evening at home, make some tea, play some video games and watch a movie while he went out. But the video game is crashing, and I'm feeling a little anxious. Suddenly I don't want him to go out. I want him to stay with me. I don't want him to go out drinking and have fun with all of his friends without me. That thought makes me feel very selfish.

I haven't spiraled out of control yet, and that's why I want to start recovering now, before I do any real lasting damage. Today's a little edgy, because I'm not interested in being alone.

I'm looking up AA meetings, but I'm still a little too nervous to go.

It's not so bad, I'm just hitting up on that habitual drinking time and it's just making me grumpy.

Dee74

Congrats on day 2. You can do this

D

Hevyn

Good job Lucky. We know how hard it is in the early days, but you're doing great. It's only natural to feel a little grumpy - but those feelings will eventually ease up.

oak

Those first few days can be so hard because you are creating new patterns- finding new things to do.

I'm glad your bf has been supportive. Although i can totally see wanting him to be home with you.

AA tends to have a phone number, if it is easier to call first. I have heard that many areas have volunteers that will go with you to your first meeting. Also, you can go to a meeting and not talk at all. There is usually a point in the beginning of the meeting when they ask if any newcomers want to introduce themselves. If you introduce yourself as a newcomer (just your name and that you are new), people will be more likely to introduce themselves to you after the meeting. But it is completely okay not to introduce yourself as a newcomer, if you do not want to. (There are also other groups - SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, LifeRing, Saving Our Sobriety- depending on where you live.)

You are wise to stop drinking now before it gets worse. I also stopped fairly early, and I am so glad that I did.

Keep posting! Sobriety does get easier.

Luckygoldfish

Thank you all for your words of support, last night was a little rough. My bf did go out last night, came home early, but came home pretty buzzed. I smelled it on him the moment he came into the bedroom. I got upset and went outside to smoke a cigarette, and he came out to talk to me. I explained to him that I wasn't feeling betrayed because he probably didn't realize that it's been difficult to quit. He didn't know that I was having cravings, and that right before he came home, I was celebrating my sobriety, and once that wave of sour beer smell hit me my mood plummeted back into depression. I wasn't angry, and I didn't want to punish him, but I did sleep on the couch last night, because I just can't be around that right now. He was confused, because he thought that I had given him my blessing, and didn't realize that while I was more than happy for him to go out and have fun, when he said he would have a couple of drinks, I was thinking one or two, rather than four in two hours. I crawled on the couch and watched some TV before falling asleep. That little voice in my head tried to convince me that if I snuck out now, I could walk down to the bar and no one would know the difference. I told that voice that it would just be easier to fall asleep and see how I felt in the morning.

And I'm so glad I did, because I feel AMAZING this morning. No hangover for the first time in a while, went down to the farmer's market, spent time with kids and babies I know and had fun, with no guilt or shame about the poor example I was setting. Spent the money that I would have used on beer and bought myself some fantastic crystal jewelry from local jewelers. Drank way too much coffee, and scared myself a little when my hands started shaking. Drank some water, and they stopped and I laughed at myself.

I had a long talk with a good friend of mine. He's the main source of awakening my spirituality and the belief in the "divine self". I believe that if I'm giving my addiction up to a higher power, it would be the universal divinity that all life holds, and that we can all experience. I was excited to tell him about my realization and my decision, because he not only doesn't drink, but is really against the use of alcohol. (He and I disagree on that point, because I do believe that there are some people who can have alcohol, and their lives are actually more enjoyable because of it. I am just not one of those people.) We discussed my reasons for drinking, and I've been reflecting on it for a few days now. A large part of it is depression and anxiety. Another large part is the fear of being alone. I go to bars or go out drinking with friends so I will be surrounded by people. I drink more to combat the social anxiety. I drink a ton because once the alcohol kicks in there's no stopping. My friend was very understanding. He knows that I don't take antidepressants, or anti-anxiety medication, and I would rather have a holistic solution, so he showed me a Xi gong exercise for calming and centering myself. It's going to be very useful because I'm going to have to resolve myself to the fact that not drinking means dealing with more alone time, which means finding a healthy and productive means of dealing with my issues.

Another great change is that the things that I've been wanting to do for my health, I can actually commit to doing. It used to be things like exercise, healthy eating, and exploring my spirituality and self-divinity seemed hypocritical when later I would just go out and trash my body and mind with alcohol. It used to be when I thought about these things, that little voice would whisper, "You don't deserve it". Now I think of ideas to improve my life, and I simply think, "Sounds great! Okay!"

Anyways, I'm at work now, so much more productive that I usually am, so much friendlier with the customers (I'm a barista). I have my swimsuit on underneath my clothes, and I plan on walking down to the aquifer-fed river when I get out of here, and jumping into that cold, clear water, letting it wash away all negativity and restoring my life force. I'm going to meditate on a long rock next to the waterfall, let my body relax into the rhythm of nature. Tonight will be great, and tomorrow will be better, and I'm thankful for sobriety, thankful for my friends, my family, my lover, and most of all, myself.

Tl;Dr: I'm apparently using this thread as a diary. I'm doing well. I love sobriety.

artsoul

Hi (and welcome) Luckygoldfish!

Day 3, right? Sounds like you're doing really well!

Early on, I remember times of feeling lonely/left out, too, when others were out having a few drinks on the weekend. It's totally normal. (After a couple months sober, I didn't feel that way......I was just glad I didn't have to go out and do that anymore - I knew I was going to wake up feeling great the next day!)

Luckygoldfish

Yup, Day 3, only the mild grumps, and mostly feeling really happy and relieved