AudreyAna

I often find myself having daydreams about relapsing. Like planning it, what I would have, where... Do you guys do that too?

Sometimes it feels so close, like right around the corner, but somehow it hasn't happened...

nomis

This is you're Alcoholic Voice running amok. I did this on my previous attempt at sobriety. It was completely unhealthy and I'm sure contributed to my relapse. You need to find a new fantasy, one that doesn't include alcohol. Tough I know, but that's part of the process.

Nuudawn

As in wishful thinking Audrey? No, I don't. I've had enough. It's taken enough. I'm terrified of the brain and liver damage I have already incurred. I'm angered that in my mid 40's, I still haven't grown up. Being a good time party girl...wasted some of the best years of my life...what and who could I have been?

I fantisize about what I can now achieve. Learn guitar? Get my business and finances in order? Fall in love for real with a real person ..not fall into bed and put up with the fool I got myself attached to by taking shortcuts to intimacy, write a blog, take up golf, travel with the extra money I have...facing life with dignity and self esteem..

Sorry..I think you were probably looking for someone who can relate with you're fantasy. I guess I can't.

Soberpotamus

The only times I've had images or thoughts of actually drinking were involving really good food. I think I used food and cooking in the past as a way to rationalize my drinking, cloaking it in something elegant or acceptable. I was a wine drinker mostly.

But all I have to do is conjure up the vomiting, dirty hair & lack of hygiene, driving drunk to the store to get more, fights with my husband, terrifying the cats, and waking up once in the ER... and I remember that it might have started with sipping "one glass" while cooking a nice meal... but that's certainly not how it all ended.

Visualization is a powerful and creative tool. Use it for good. Try visualizing yourself turning down that glass of whatever... and refusing to even consider it. Visualize the hell that you've put yourself through, in detail... and then visualize yourself a few years down that path.

BarbieKen

I was at a funeral over a month ago. Afterwards we gathered for light snacks and drinks. I walked into the reception area and saw a tray of flutes filled with bubbling champagne. That's the "Fantasy" part of the story.
My brain, on its own, flipped to a visual sequence....one glass...ONLY LEADS to a jillion more for this alcoholic! Not even going down that path. Headed over to the table my husband was at...yummy tart lemonade was in my hand. YUM. That sounds really good right now too. It was so hot today, going to be 101 tomorrow...got off the subject oops. :-D. Bobbi

Nuudawn

Cooking with wine..meals with wine...I shared that romance.

lol..but come to think of it...that romance was as poisonous as a lot of the ones I had with men..

Deckard

Do you also fantasize about having dental surgery? Tax audits? Consultations with oncologists? These, like relapse, are things to be dreaded and avoided!

Ghostly

AudreyA - I do this regularly. I consider it more romanticizing, but guess its basically the same. I totally relate.

EndGameNYC

Like making a plan for suicide rather than having passing thoughts about it, making a plan to relapse should be taken seriously. It's good that you're talking about it.

I've developed a small but reliable support network since I returned to AA following a three-year relapse. I struggled with cravings for almost a full year after I returned. And I talked about it enough to have people run for cover. But all the support I received helped to "talk me down" from that dangerous cliff.

Went through my secret-mission, 007 plans for a relapse for a couple of weeks that started about three weeks ago, and I was able to catch it before it became a crisis.

"This time will be different. This time I'll be more careful. This time I'll stop before it gets out of control." These thoughts are a prelude to the nearby "corner" you describe. What we imagine before turning that corner is relief, comfort and a quick sojourn from the hum-drum of everyday living. What we actually find is a dark alley with danger in every corner. And sometimes we find that we can't turn back.

LadyinBC

Yup, I would be lying if I said I never thought about it. It's how we cope with it that is the important thing.

I use HALT first and try to figure out if I am feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. I'll play the tape thru to the end and boy I don't like the ending. Or I will come here an read for a bit. Or I will find something to do.

I think this is something I am always going to have to be aware of and the day I am not wary of it means I need to do a check. I never want to become complacent.

instant

This is a dangerous situation, and is step on the road to using again.

The antidote is more work and weigh up the potential costs. What good would come of it apart from a temporary buzz? On the other hand how can you do more of that provides a positive experience

Sudz No More

It happens to me all the time and it's my biggest remaining hurdle. I am learning to avoid having these thoughts but sometimes they just seem unstoppable.

With time though these mental impulses are lessening and becoming more manageable. The key for us is to recognize these moments and stop them right away before they become an obsession.

Threshold

I used to and for me it was a precursor to using/drinking again. I was whetting my appetite, convincing myself that Drinking WAS the answer.

I used to do it with cutting and suicide and dangerous relationships and a lot of other things...visualizing it...and basically preparing myself mentally to do those things. Advertising to myself.

I learned to redirect my thoughts. tell myself "don't go there" not even in my mind.

Michael66

Hi Audrey

I think it's important not to indulge those days dreams - nip them in the bud as soon as they start. They sound like a step back to drinking to me.

DaveT

It becomes less and less over time i have found , alcohol no longer presents itself as a solution to my problems anymore. I was in a store the other day picking up bottles of beer looking at all the fancy names , never even occurred to me it was alcohol ! ( not recommended for amateurs by the way ) there was a time when i couldn't even go in a store that sold alcohol. Sometimes when I listen to old music that i listened to when i was drinking i long for a good disco night out , but that illusion was smashed when i realised it was never about the dancing or socializing ! Just more alcohol ! I simply cannot take a single drink without the phenomenon of craving , and eventually Jails Institutions and DEATH ! A trick i was taught in early sobriety was to continue on with the thought and see where it ends up in my head , blackout , vomit , trouble etc etc ! The reality of my REAL drink consumption ! Its ok to THINK but whats the reality ? If my reality matched my fantasies i guess i wouldn't be an alcoholic ! LOL !

bigsombrero

I agree with this comment. I started thinking/daydreaming about a relapse about two months ago - during a very stressful time in my life. I was off my rocker, stress-wise, and it signaled a really troublesome psychological period for me.

I'm lucky I made it out of that spiral without drinking, but in my experience it's a warning sign. I'm glad you posted here - do your best to focus on other things.

Maybe you should start "planning" a vacation or something fun, instead?

Isaiah

Not as much these days, but those daydreams still happen.

I've kind of learned to live with them. I don't beat myself up or feel guilty when I get to thinking that way. I just accept it's part of addiction and put my intention to thoughts that validate and support my sobriety--"playing back the tape," reminding myself of all I am grateful for because I quit, prayer, etc.

Justfor1

Yes, when I start planning a relapse I get excited. I start saving money and thinking about what I will drink and where I will go. It becomes like a unstoppable train that you know is going to crash but you can't get off.

Nuudawn

This reminds me of something my counsellor talks about when speaking of addiction. She says there are points early on when you can do something (as in "get off the train" or "ask the conductor to stop...lol)..

but ya, if enough momentum gathers or pressure mounts, you can't get off that train nowhere, no how.

whipster

Your lizard brain stem or your humanity...which will you let have control over you?