shaunathesheep

Hello there,

I've posted here once before... I am going out with a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 7 years.

I am with him about 6 months and in my last post I told you about how happy I was to have met him and how much I admired how he had turned his life around. Btw I had not know him during his drinking years, I only met him about 6 months ago.

Anyway, it was all going great but in the last while I noticed him getting very cold with me. I left it for a while to see how it went but eventually I cracked and asked him. I had told him I loved him (we'd tell each other every day) but he just answered "I know"...

After that I told him that I was scared he wasn't feeling the same way about me and he said that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. We talked and afterwards he went to a meeting and then told me that he does love me, it's just his insecurities creeping in etc.

I said that it was like he was putting up walls that I couldn't break through sometimes and he agreed that he does that. He said that he would try not to do that again but that it's a common trait in alcoholics to have insecurities. What I can't understand is why he has to have them with me I have never held his history against him, I have always shown him respect and love, so why would he need to put those walls up and be so cold to me?

Shortly after that, it happened again. I just really felt like he didn't want me around at all. I asked him if everything was alright and explained that I felt like he really wasn't bothered. He told me he didn't think he loved me, that he didn't know what love was. Bear in mind that the previous evening and earlier that very day he had told me that he loved me.

I'm just so incredibly sad, disappointed, heart-broken, angry and hurt. My stomach has been in knots ever since, I feel like I'm about to sit an exam or something. I can't believe how he can so suddenly change his mind. We're both adults, you don't just tell someone that you love them lightly. I can't figure out if he has just played with my emotions, if he did really love me or what?

I swing from feeling like I have seriously dodged a bullet to missing him so much and really feeling like all of that, us falling for each other couldn't have been a lie.

After he had said that he didn't know if he loved me etc, I said that of course I don't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way and he said then that he needed time to think about things.

So, we have left it that we are taking time away from each other to figure things out. It's only been a couple of days now, I haven't contacted him obviously as I want to give him the space he needs. After all that, I probably needed a bit of space myself anyway.

I just don't know what to do when he contacts me though. When it happened I was thinking that I would need some serious reassuring to stay with him and I even thought that no matter what he says to me, I probably shouldn't go back to him. I'm not trying to blow my own trumpet here but I really gave him no reason to do that to me, I really cared about him so it was easy to always be a good girlfriend to him.

Now that a couple of days have gone by though, I find myself really missing him and hoping that when he does contact me, it's to say that he misses me and wants us to stay together.

He might be enjoying the time apart though... I just don't know, it's very stressful

I guess I'm wondering has anyone else experienced this type of thing? If a recovering alcoholic has insecurities, would they do that; say you love someone and then change your mind a few hours later... Or maybe he really just doesn't love me.

I'm sad and confused

Threshold

Hugs.

I am not sure that his alcoholism has anything to do with this. Sometimes this happens in relationships between any two people.

I would hesitate to assume it's alcoholism, because doing so might keep the two of you from looking at it with an open mind and working it out.

And I know how hard it is, but don't assume it's because you have not been 'good enough'. Relationships take two people, and each person is responsible for their own behavior.

I know how scary and difficult it is when an important long term relationship gets shaky. I hope you can get some clarity and peace with this soon.

doggonecarl

Like Threshold said, this doesn't have to have anything to do with him being a recovering alcoholic. Being sober doesn't automatically give you great relationship skills. He made have never had them.

Early dating is where a couple explores their compatability. Sometimes you find out you are not, as seems to be the case with you and your boyfriend.

Hope you find someone who will be equal in their feelings for you.