jvice09

This is my first post, I like reading these forums b/c it calms down my anxiety knowing that I'm not alone in this battle. I'm only 27 years old and I've been a daily drinker for 7 years. I drink by myself at night b/c I have sleep issues. However as we all know, alcoholism is progressive..I can't go more than a few hours after I pass out before I need a drink. I've been to a detox facility recently, and I know that I have to go back and like the post says, I DONT KNOW HOW TO LIVE AN ADULT LIFE. I'm a sneaky liar, cheater, fake and phony and I realized today that I dont't know how to live as a normal adult person and that scares me sooo much. AA scares the shizz out of me. I've never felt so hopeless in my life. Normal people don't hide vodka in their room and drink alone? I think that is weird, which means that I am weird. How do normal people live? Every time I see people out and about, I envy them sooo much. All I think about is how are they not drunk right now? What is wrong with them? Then the other half of my brain reminds me, what is wrong with me?

2granddaughters

I know what you're sayin' .... I've felt "less than" for years and I'm getting worse. I'm losing it.

AA scared the shizz out of me too but it turned out to be just what the doctor ordered.

When I went to my first meeting I found that most folks there felt the same as I did. I felt at home. I heard my story told over and over.

All the best.

Bob R

Adillac

You just described my 20s. I am 30yrs old and I have about 13 days sober after many many rehabs and tints of sobriety. I haven't lived a normal adult life in probably 7-8 years. Right now, I'm struggling with a fear of leaving the house. I feel as if something bad will happen to me. Do you have that? I suppose that comes from sitting in my studio apartment by myself for years drinking like you described. Fear is big for me. Hang in there. Finding someone in AA that is sober and happy and you actually like can help a lot. Sometimes it's just a little phone call or some nudging by a friend to go out and have coffee, can bring me back from running back into the bottle. I'm right there with ya.*

Michael66

Hey jvice

It sounds like your life has been on "pause" for a while. I guess the most important thing is to be patient with yourself as you learn to walk the sober path. It sounds like some support, some mentor or some small group could help you - perhaps AA, perhaps a church group or pastoral worker, perhaps another individual who's already doing the sort of things you'd like to do. The people at AA will understand your situation, so perhaps that could be an early option to check out?

But do be patient with yourself - early sobriety is often hard, so don't put too much pressure on yourself to be instantly adjusting to the rest of life.

Doubtful

I know that in my case... alcohol greatly impaired my ability to mature and act resposibly.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR jvice

I don't know how to live an adult life either, and I am 31, sober, own my own home and have a full time job. On the surface it looks okay, as long as no one comes into my home and see's what a state it is in or takes a peak inside my head. It is starting to come together a bit now though. I have a savings account, for the dog though not me. I could never motivate to do anything for my own benefit because I am not good at looking after myself. It takes practice though and being newly sober is enough effort.

I don't think you should worry about this 'normal' thing either. I used to wonder how people could walk about and tackle their daily lives sober too, or at least hangover free. I almost didn't believe it and thought they must all be like me too. I can tell you though that my life got a lot easier when I stopped comparing it to other peoples x

jvice09

Thanks for the early support guys. My roommate dragged me out of my cave today and took me to the beach, it's an amazing day in San Diego today, but all I was concerned about was not having access to alcohol. I was stuck at the beach (tough life eh?) worrying about how I was going to get my next drink. I made it through a few hours and on the way back to the car, my roomie and one of my best friends, found out he lost his keys. Instead of worrying about his keys I was angry with him for not being able to take me home so I could get my fix one second sooner than I could if he hadn't lost his keys.

jvice09

ps i cant PM people until after a few posts. i would like to reach out though

Hevyn

Welcome jvice! You found a great place. Lots of support & encouragement here.

I am way older than you - and I didn't have the sense to reach out for help the way you are. I didn't grow or mature the way I should have. I (like you) couldn't understand how anyone could have fun if they weren't drinking. I wanted the party to go on forever - and in the end, alcohol addiction almost took my life. I was completely dependent on it, drinking every day. It was hell to get off it at that point. This won't happen to you. Glad you are seeing the truth about what drinking is doing to you and taking action.

jvice09

i wont go through withdrawals again. the vomiting, the sweating, the shakes, the fog. i have an appointment to see a psych on the 25th but until then, then what? ive tried cold turkey before, but, never, ever again. im obviously in a bad mood but i do really really appreciate everybody's support

Dee74

Hi and welcome jvice09

The thing is very few of us had any idea of how to live an adult life - being a drinker is all about avoiding responsibility.

I was 40 and sober and felt like a newborn. But I learned

It is scary to comtemplate the changes, and that fear kept me drinking too - but eventually you realise this can't go on and we have decide to change - it's a leap of faith.

There's a lot of support here and encouragement. I hope you decide to make that leap of faith

I found that growing up was nowhere near as scary as I thought it would be

D

jvice09

my mom is gonna be super pissed if i have to hit her her up again for $ for a detox sesh. why cant i go 4 hours w/out a drink? my last detox sesh was 10 thousand dollars for 5 days. thank god co-pay was only a few hundred bucks.

jvice09

my roommate and one of by best buds (he has literally ripped drinks out of my hand after i told him the truth about my drinking) is sitting next me me casually drinking a beer, i envy him w/a passion. all i can think about is drinking or not drinking.

wolfpackfan45

Jvice09, please give it time. I'm in a group with parents of alcoholics and my 22 year old son is a recovering A. Most of us parents have noticed that once an A crosses that line into the disease their maturity slows and they basically act the age they were when they became an A. This is truly something we've all noticed. Thus, if you're 20 when you become an alcoholic and you actively drink for 10 years then become sober at 30, you still act like your 20. But the good news is that once you're sober this starts to change. It just takes time. It took you awhile to get where you are and it will take you some time to change. Be patient with yourself. I think it's a good sign that you recognize you need to change and start acting like a responsible adult. Many people don't. after my son detoxed he continued to act like an 18 year old in so many ways. It's been 8 months now and slowly we see progress in so many areas. It happens in little steps. One thing at a time. Please remember that whether someone is an alcoholic or not, progress, maturity, and wisdom happen slowly and not all at a once. Life is like that for everyone. We're all a work in progress. Please don't be afraid of AA. I will say that if you're open to trying it out, it helps my son in all areas of life so much. I'm in Al Anon and I use it not only for help in dealing with my son's alcoholism, but mostly with my issues. I'm not an alcoholic, but I have so many of my own hangups. You can do this. You're young and can have an awesome and fulfilling life ahead of you.

FeenixxRising

Why? You only have to go to the meetings, sit and listen.

aasharon90

No one wants to be an adult in a childs
body nor a child in an adults body.....

However, it's ok to feel young at heart.
Meaning, that is exactly how I feel at
54 yrs old with 22yrs. sobriety.

When I began drinking, I emotionally
stopped growing. Then when I got sober,
that was when I had to learn how to emotionally
grow a day at a time, crawling before I could
walk and eventually reach the point to where
I could stand on my own in recovery.

Sooooo with 22yrs sobriety and in my mid 50's,
I feel very young. Im enjoying my new recovery
life today like a young child enjoying Christmas
or holidays. And even the joys the sun rising,
the bloom of a new flower. The smell of fresh
cut grass and so much more.

I don't want to get old or feel old at this point
in my life. So living an honest, sober, grateful
life will help me live healthy, happy for hopefully
many more yrs. to come.

Same for you.

hayley86

Hi.....Im 27 years old and can relate to every single thing you say, i did the exact same thing...hiding bottles of vodka, wine, in my bag, in my room, drinking in bathrooms and i was living a life of complete misery for the last two years. I can relate to what you say about feeling abnormal i did too and that's because my behaviour was abnormal but those behaviours i was displaying were abnormal because the alcohol took over my life and turned me into that person. Every time i drank I was pretty much a disgusting person to be around, i lied and didn't give a damn about anything but the next drink. In fact i got so good at lying i could pretty much convince anybody of anything but that definitely was not the person i was when i was sober. Now i am sober im honest, kind and trustworthy and i feel like a worthwhile person.

You say you drink by yourself at night because you have sleep issues... i convinced myself the same thing, it was just an excuse for me to carry on drinking. The alcoholic voice in my head told me that if i stopped drinking i would never sleep again and i believed it for a long time it was utter nonsense. I am now 8 and a half months sober and i have never slept better in my life, i fall asleep easily, wake up early feeling refreshed and im not waking up in the night any more and my anxiety that was so debilitating for me from the ages of 22-26 has gone.

You will be "normal" and im very sure you are "normal" (what does normal even mean anyway these days?) if you get sober its your addiction which is making your behaviour abnormal i dont know you but id bet that you dont display those behaviours when you are sober.

This is a great place to be, its really helped me. My life has turned around over the last 8 months, i feel like i am now a regular 27 year old except now i dont go out on the weekends and get drunk . You can feel the same aswel, if someone would have told me this time last year when i was about as miserable, lonely and terrified as i was that i would be sat here this time next year sober, happy and healthy i would never have believed them. But here i am and if i can do it you can too. Unfortunately for me it took me getting seriously unwell and ending up in the hospital with liver failure in October last year before i finally got myself sorted out but by some miracle i haven't done any permanent damage to myself and as long as i dont drink alcohol my doctor said i will be absolutely fine.

Dont wait around on this, this illness is so progressive it sneaks up on you so fast and the longer you leave it the more difficult it gets to stop. Three years ago my blood levels were normal so i carried on drinking for another two and i ended up in a giant mess with my LFT levels high and liver failure. Make a start you can have the life you want if you get yourself sober and be the person you want to be.

NYCDoglvr

I've been sober a long time now. Looking back over two decades I think recovery is about growing up. They describe alcoholics as "his majesty the child". It's learning how to be responsible for our words and actions. It requires being brutally honest and willing to take suggestions. HEY, IT WORKS!! After staying sober a year someone suggested I compare myself to myself. Oh my God, I had self-esteem because I'd finally dealt with the IRS and the dentist. I've learned to handle it all because I have the support of sober friends.

Great post, thanks!

Grungehead

I was at an AA meeting a couple of days ago and someone at the meeting said that when he was trying to get sober that all he could think about when drinking was not drinking, and all he could think about when not drinking was drinking. It sounds like you are at that point now. I know once I admitted that I was an alcoholic and needed to stop drinking I couldn't enjoy getting my drunk on anymore. At that point I WANTED to stop drinking more than I wanted to drink and I was able to get sober.

DayTrader

Helluva first post! Loooots of honesty in there. I'm impressed.

As for living as an adult - same here. I was 38 when I got sober. A year or so prior to that, I would have said I was fine and everything was ok. As sobriety became more and more pervasive in my life, I started to get a better view of just how messed up I was.

In a way, it was a relief because I was positive that if I just stopped drinking my life wouldn't turn around. I had a sneaking suspicion there was more wrong with me than just my excessive drinking. What I thought were problems that could be sorted out in therapy and counseling turned out to be, I discovered, symptoms of alcoholism. I was grateful to learn that alcoholism can affect ya even when you're not drinking - and sometimes it affects you more deeply than when you ARE drinking.

A new way of living life.......a new way of dealing with people.......a new way of thinking - that's what I needed and that's what I got as I worked through my recovery process. I sure didn't think I'd find anything in AA....turns out I was dead wrong.

..and for what it's worth, lol, I don't believe (anymore) that hardly anyone outside of those working diligently on a recovery program have it nearly as together as I used to think they did. ha....I used to think the ppl in recovery were nuts - now I think most of the ppl NOT in recovery are bonkers. lolol.