Kathi

Hi there,

Well I wanted to share a couple of things. First I added my new baby girls picture to my profile - Izzy, a 13 week old tiny toy poodle. She has helped me immensely in my surgical recovery - she lifts my spirits so I'm not crying as much.

I realized something this weekend. In the last year of my alcoholism I thought I was drinking so much because I liked the taste of alcohol . It wasn't until I became sober on March 5, 2004 that I realized I was running from my feelings about my relationship with my partner. So as I got sober I had to start talking about it. It got scary and just about that time I had my knee surgery, so now I have to heal before I deal with anything else (that's what I've been telling myself). So this weekend I realized I really was avoiding those feelings and dealing with them. Also because my alcoholism is what made me think about this, my knee surgery and healing time also allowed me to put AA aside for awhile.

I've been going to 1 meeting a week instead of the two I wanted to go to, and the third I am looking at now. It just dawned on me that I really am trying to avoid the inevitable - this was also helped along by the fact that I haven't been able to see my therapist since before my surgery 5 weeks ago.

I'm trying to get back on track. I spoke with someone at Sunday's meeting that asked me to meet her for coffee tomorrow night and go to a step meeting that I wanted to go to but haven't yet. I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. On Wednesday I asked my partner if she wants me to go to her therapist with her and she does. After we got in a big fight the other night when I told her to leave if she didn't like it here I decided that things are just getting progressively worse and to hold off until I heal from surgery will be too late. I need to see her therapist with her because I want her to know what is going on and I'm not sure my partner would or could express my feelings herself. I need to her to start preparing in case this relationship does not make it.

All prayers to your higher power are welcome right now - it's going to be a difficult week.

Kathi

Dan

Hi ((Kathi)),
It was suggested to me by my peers to try and avoid any and all major "life" decisions for at least the first year of recovery. And although I see the wisdom of their words, I find it to be a hard proposition some days. I think it is a residual of the active addict mindset to want change, sometimes for the sake of change. The dynamics of couplehood (?) were already bad while we were active. Add to that now one of the components of the couple engaged in recovery and the reclaiming of a personal life lost to addiction, and the mix is new, all over again. Compounded with your medical problems, it just has to feel oh so uncomfortable right now in your world.
What I try to do everyday is communicate with my wife. Some days, it's almost futile. But the days we actually manage to listen to eachother are valuable. I'm sure you've heard the cliche phrase... Gotta give time some time.
You got my HP on side Kathi.
Be as well as you can be. :wink2:

PS: Hello puppy!

shyQcodep

******{Kathi}}}}

I know for myself, I've had a nasty mix - resentment against my partner along with a real need for detachment and a desire to prepare us both for the worst case outcomes. I don't know how to separate these - and I only began to get something like detachment after a month of AA. Being clean and dry for 6 weeks didn't do it, nor did 6 months of Alanon.

In my case, I don't really want our relationship to end, but we've got a real mess between the two of us - we were both drinking and drugging, I've got income but negative credit and a massively terrifying unfiled tax return problem , my partner is partly disabled due to arthritis and depression, my partner is unemployed and probably will never be conventionally employed again (disability and TG passability), my partner is pretty much out of money, and she hasn't filed for Social Security even though she's been eligible for 6 months. The only good news is that we're both clean and sober (well, at least dry) now - me by a bit over 4 months, my partner by about 6 weeks (sans program) - and I'm working a program so I may begin get a clue about life (somewhere in the middle of step 9 - for now I just rely on my sponsor).

The big thing which will upset our little apple cart is my tax return problem - and fixing that is a self-preservation priority for me. Until I got a faint beginning of detachment and a sponsor to hold me accountable, nothing happened with the tax returns. That's changed, so the time when our world turns upside down is approaching fairly quickly - I'm going through my many boxes finding tax info (W-2s and such) and I expect to have an initial contact with a tax lawyer or CPA in about 2 months.

I've tried to prepare my partner for this, and she actually had the Social Security forms ready to mail yesterday - they may be in the mail as I write this. I don't know if we'll be able to stay together - but I plan to do whatever I need to do to stay clean, sober and out of jail. I know I can't carry my partner any more - but I don't want to throw her overboard either.

I guess the one year rule applies, but we still have to take care of self-preservation. And we definitely need to try to make our decisions from a place of detachment rather than resentment - and pray, pray, pray - before, during and after any important decision or discussion.

You and your partner will be in my prayers

James

Oh, and how cute is Izzy! Now I've got to get a picture of Forrest (AKA Mr. Snuggles) and Felicia (or Princess Felix) together to be even in the same class as you and Izzy.

1Marty

Kathi, Sorry to hear about the difficlties your going through. Take it one sober day at a time. Thaks for sharing. Prayers to ya.

MootPoint

(((((((((((( Kathi )))))))) I'm looking at knee replacement too, and am scared.

Cute puppy!

My prayers will be with you!

Kathi

I wanted to thank everyone for the support and prayers. My temporary sponsor also said that you should avoid big life decisions in the first year, but she also understands that this has been an issue for a long time. Before I even became an alcoholic I had all these bad feelings and loss of feelings for my partner, I think that's why I started drinking because I (like many alcoholics) do not like to "feel" when it is uncomfortable feelings.

My partners therapist just called and said she doesn't want me to come with her today. She wanted to know why I wanted to be there. I told my partner, who relayed to the therapist, that my only reason was that I wanted the two of us to be able to tell her the issues at hand in the hope that it would help the therapist better treat my partner. I told her that I had no idea of treating it as couples counseling. She was not comfortable with that and ultimately left it up to my partner, but recommended we see a couples counselor. That's great, buy it's difficult to find one. My partner is on Medicaid for her bipolar diagnosis and it's hard to find providers that will take Medicaid. Her therapist is at a facility that is state run and I'm surprised they have no couples counselors there.

So now it will take that much longer to get into someone. I have commercial insurance, but if I use it for couples counseling, then it will take away from my individual sessions which I need right now.

Dan - as always your wisdom and words mean more than you can know

Moot - I know you're scared I was too. Please don't just take my experience as the "norm". I know one reason I've been upset is because I hear so many people who have such an easy time with this surgery that I'm upset it couldn't be that way for me. My home PT guy knew of one guy who went back to work in one week with staples in his knee!! My brother in laws father had it done in his 60's and didn't even go to rehab. He was in the hospital for 3-4 days and was riding his exercise bike when he got home! Everyone just assumed because I am only 39 that I would have a much easier time. You know what they say about assume!!!!

Have a happy sober day,
Kathi

minnie

I'm puzzled by something you said in your first post - why do you "need" to see your partner's therapist? Isn't her recovery her own business and your recovery your business? I'm not surprised her therapist wasn't comfortable with seeing you.

Don't forget, you can't control someone elses feelings, emotions or reactions. You can only control yourself.

Keep up the good work and keep focussing on your own healing.

Kathi

Hi Minnie -

I absolutely agree that she is in control of her own recovery. I have gone with her before to her therapist (her last one, she had to switch when she went on Medicaid). The reason I go is because part of her problem with being bipolar is that she her mind jumps all over the place and she isn't able to just describe to her therpaist what is going on. I found that in the past, if I go with her to the therapist and we both talk together it helps the therapist to know what specifically going on and how to help her.

I have difficulty speaking my feelings with my partner alone because I still get afraid that I will "put her over the edge". I know that is not my responsibility but I care to much to cause her more pain. If I'm with the therapist it's helpful to me because I think more before a speak and sometimes the therapist can hlep me clarify what I am feeling if it's confusing for me.

Thanks for you support!
Kathi

minnie

Kathi

"If I'm with the therapist it's helpful to me because I think more before a speak and sometimes the therapist can hlep me clarify what I am feeling if it's confusing for me."

Do you mean your therapist or hers? If that sentence was referring to her therapist, I'm surprised not to hear any mention of your partner in there!!

Dan

That sort of sums it up for me Minnie.

minnie

Sorry Kathi, didn't mean to be so blunt.

Kathi

No need to apologize, I do see where you are coming from as well!

Kathi