Perception
Perception
A disease of perception- somewhere along the way I've heard that. Defensive, indignant, alone, separate, afraid, angry, defiant, suspicious, paranoid: that's where my head has been lately. I called another alcoholic, actually three. Told them I was plotting. Then I called an alcoholic and confessed that I had bought heroin and it was stashed in my closet at the sober-living. I made promises. Hung up the phone and go sit on my bed and cry because I have come too far in this and I can't not use. So I shot up all nightin the bathroom of the sober-living. And the next night and the next afternoon. Maybe it was because I was still numb, but losing eight months did not upset me much, it was the idea that I was never going back. I confessed to my house manager a couple days later. He told me I had to leave for three days and I could come back granted I could provide a clean UA.*
Went to the Lincoln Motel under the 210 freeway in Los Angeles. My brilliant idea: I'll drink once and then just lock myself in the room and wait out the last two days and then go back. I sat there in that motel room at 3pm, poured myself a shot of Seagrams 7 in a little plastic Dixie cup and thought about where I had come. Alone, in a dive-motel in Los Angeles with $10 to my name, a bottle, a backpack with a syringe, and a guitar I would later try to pawn for more dope (unsuccessfully, which could have saved my life).*
Woke up the next morning out of a black out, someone pounding on my door. It was the sober-living manager(s) checking on me. Good guys. They counseled me for a bit and tried to get me to leave the motel. I wasnt feeling well and politely declined knowing I had another bottle of Jameson hidden behind the nightstand. They left and I drank. Sometime later I get a text from "Angie", the receptionist at Pasadena Recovery Center where I went to eight months ago. She told me to answer the phone when she called. So I did. She implored me to consider coming back in to treatment. I told her I would call her back.*
You know that place where you are drunk enough to have some clarity? More clarity than dry-drunk Adam anyways. Dry-drunk Adam wants to drink-Mildly drunk Adam is open-minded for some reason when faced with the ugly truth. So, I called an alcoholic, actually three. Told my old sponsor where I was, what I was doing and what options I had. He suggested I call Shelly, my old counselor at Pasadena Recovery Center. So I did. She told me she was sending "someone" over to see me. I must have blacked out because when I came to I was sitting in the parking lot of PRC, Shelly my counselor telling me to drink water. My BAC was .398 she said and the staff wanted to call the police or ambulance on me because I was too drunk to admit and too drunk to leave out on the street. Shelly convinced them to let me sit outside with her until my BAC was under .3*
Hours later i was admitted. I have much gratitude for her today.*
I was released yesterday and am back in sober-living tonight. For that, I am thankful. My perception was that no one cared about each other, that I was alone. How untrue that is. Maybe I should try caring for other people a little more and care a little less about how much they care about me? I don't know. Shelly tells me I need to have a spiritual experience or I'm a dead man. I thought I knew that already but somewhere along the way I stopped believing that. I am praying about it.
I spent the day today with a good friend from my first time at PRC. He has eight months sober and I was able to tell him about my relapse and he told me he got married last week! He is a good friend. We park the car and walk to this coffee shop called the Bourgious Pig in Hollywood. Sun is shining, we are talking about how crazy alcoholism and addiction can be and I look over and Steven Tyler is just standing there on the sidewalk. I did a doubletake and he looks at me. I smiled and we just kept walking.*
We eventually went back to my friends house and I had dinner with him and his wife on their patio. He lives near the Hollywood Bowl and we could hear a concert going on in the distance. We wondered who was playing there tonight, so we looked it up: Steven Tyler.
Went to the Lincoln Motel under the 210 freeway in Los Angeles. My brilliant idea: I'll drink once and then just lock myself in the room and wait out the last two days and then go back. I sat there in that motel room at 3pm, poured myself a shot of Seagrams 7 in a little plastic Dixie cup and thought about where I had come. Alone, in a dive-motel in Los Angeles with $10 to my name, a bottle, a backpack with a syringe, and a guitar I would later try to pawn for more dope (unsuccessfully, which could have saved my life).*
Woke up the next morning out of a black out, someone pounding on my door. It was the sober-living manager(s) checking on me. Good guys. They counseled me for a bit and tried to get me to leave the motel. I wasnt feeling well and politely declined knowing I had another bottle of Jameson hidden behind the nightstand. They left and I drank. Sometime later I get a text from "Angie", the receptionist at Pasadena Recovery Center where I went to eight months ago. She told me to answer the phone when she called. So I did. She implored me to consider coming back in to treatment. I told her I would call her back.*
You know that place where you are drunk enough to have some clarity? More clarity than dry-drunk Adam anyways. Dry-drunk Adam wants to drink-Mildly drunk Adam is open-minded for some reason when faced with the ugly truth. So, I called an alcoholic, actually three. Told my old sponsor where I was, what I was doing and what options I had. He suggested I call Shelly, my old counselor at Pasadena Recovery Center. So I did. She told me she was sending "someone" over to see me. I must have blacked out because when I came to I was sitting in the parking lot of PRC, Shelly my counselor telling me to drink water. My BAC was .398 she said and the staff wanted to call the police or ambulance on me because I was too drunk to admit and too drunk to leave out on the street. Shelly convinced them to let me sit outside with her until my BAC was under .3*
Hours later i was admitted. I have much gratitude for her today.*
I was released yesterday and am back in sober-living tonight. For that, I am thankful. My perception was that no one cared about each other, that I was alone. How untrue that is. Maybe I should try caring for other people a little more and care a little less about how much they care about me? I don't know. Shelly tells me I need to have a spiritual experience or I'm a dead man. I thought I knew that already but somewhere along the way I stopped believing that. I am praying about it.
I spent the day today with a good friend from my first time at PRC. He has eight months sober and I was able to tell him about my relapse and he told me he got married last week! He is a good friend. We park the car and walk to this coffee shop called the Bourgious Pig in Hollywood. Sun is shining, we are talking about how crazy alcoholism and addiction can be and I look over and Steven Tyler is just standing there on the sidewalk. I did a doubletake and he looks at me. I smiled and we just kept walking.*
We eventually went back to my friends house and I had dinner with him and his wife on their patio. He lives near the Hollywood Bowl and we could hear a concert going on in the distance. We wondered who was playing there tonight, so we looked it up: Steven Tyler.
Coming to a point in my life that made me realize that first, I was not alone and second that I was a very selfish person when it came to giving of myself to others.
In my past, I never thought I was selfish. I had helped a friend in need. I had helped people move. I had loaned someone money. I have given someone a ride. I had bought someone a drink etc.
I was not selfish at all, but I was.
Giving of oneself is not always about the physical things we can do for others. Sometimes just saying hi and asking how they are doing today and then being there to really listen is giving of yourself. I never wanted to be bothered to give of myself. I would rather give you $20 and make you go away. It was easier for me.
Now it is not about me. It is about giving of myself to others.
Spiritual awakening can be anything from a feeling of subtle awareness to a profound "white light" experience. Darren Littlejohn, The 12 Step Buddhist.
Yep, sound like you had one of them. Grab it and don't let it go.
Yep, sound like you had one of them. Grab it and don't let it go.
Nice post Addilac. You've got a lot going for you as you move forward out of addiction's shadow. Music and Lyric, your post shows great command in the use of words. Use it along with your musical talent and combine it with the hard lessons you've learned.
Happy to see you are getting some clarity and a vision for your future.
Happy to see you are getting some clarity and a vision for your future.
Sorry for the long story/post. This thread quickly degenerated into a journal entry of sorts :-/ Gracielou, I am going to try and hang onto that clarity because I think you may be right. It was suggested that I think as little as possible.
Suds No More- Thank you, my friend.
Suds No More- Thank you, my friend.
Nice post Addilac. You've got a lot going for you as you move forward out of addiction's shadow. Music and Lyric, your post shows great command in the use of words. Use it along with your musical talent and combine it with the hard lessons you've learned.
Happy to see you are getting some clarity and a vision for your future.
Happy to see you are getting some clarity and a vision for your future.
"Shelly tells me I need to have a spiritual experience or I'm a dead man."
I faced the same choice and got busy with the steps. It worked. I had and continue to have spiritual experiences through living the steps and the alcohol problem has been solved. And a lot more besides
I faced the same choice and got busy with the steps. It worked. I had and continue to have spiritual experiences through living the steps and the alcohol problem has been solved. And a lot more besides
Ok, so I just lost a computer chess game and my immediate thought(s): "F*** life; this is all pointless" :-/
Dee74- Thank you!! You don't know how much that means to me!!!
Nuudawn- Thank you!!
Sitting here licking my digital-chess wounds, it becomes obvious to me: I'm a crazy person. lol...
Dee74- Thank you!! You don't know how much that means to me!!!
Nuudawn- Thank you!!
Sitting here licking my digital-chess wounds, it becomes obvious to me: I'm a crazy person. lol...
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