Journey40

So here I am again, at day number one. I haven't posted in a long time because I haven't been completely sober in I don't know how long anymore. To make a long story short, my dad's battle with lung cancer ended on June 3, and I've been feeling more isolated, lonely and stressed out. I have told many of my friends about my father's death, but after the initial "I'm so sorry...let me know if you need anything", no one has contacted me to see how I'm doing. What hurts the most is the lack of emotional support from my husband. My father's death was traumatizing because I was right next to him when he took his last breath, checked for a pulse and ran to get his doctor. Maybe I'm just feeling too sorry for myself, but there is so much to do for the memorial and taking care of my widowed mother that every minute of every day, I feel like I'm sinking.
I wanted to drink today too, but my gut was feeling pretty bad that I decided to give my liver a break. I haven't drank more than 2-3 drinks per day, but most of the time I drank in secrecy, so I feel so ashamed. I've told my kids so many times that I was going to quit, but it's so hard when I feel so lonely.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Journey40.

Have you thought of grief counselling - it seems to me like you have stuff you want to talk about and noone to talk about it with?

It's got to be a better way to deal with things than drinking, at whatever level?

D

Journey40

Yes, I have thought about counseling. I need to start going back to my church and look for a Christian counselor. I've gone to a couple marriage counselors with my husband, but it didn't help us.

GroundhogDay

Your local Methodist church can match you up with a Stephen Minister. It doesn't matter whether or not you are Methodist. They may be at other denominations too, I don't know. A Stephen Minister is trained in grief counseling in a Christian context.

ersatzmatriarch

journey, i'm so sorry for your loss.

i sat with my mom and held her through her last breath when cancer took her in 1999. i was 24 at the time, and it still hurts.

it wasn't until several months later that i dragged my broken self to a grief support group, and though i was hesitant at first, it turned out to be one of the best things i've ever done for myself.

i know planning the final arrangements is a heavy burden... try to let the professionals in the fields (church, funeral homes) help you along as much as you can.

and stay strong... it hurts to feel, i know, but don't let the drink be your medicine for this. i did that... drank the pain away (or at least, that's what i thought i was doing.) as it turned out for me, the pain was still there, and i'm still trying to make my way theough the guilt of not being present in the grieving process.

peace to you as you struggle through this...

Journey40

Thank you, I know I should get therapy. It's not fair to expect my friends to fill the emptiness inside, nor is it wise to self medicate to fill that void. I really need to keep reading other people's encouraging posts, like the Gratitude list and Things I wouldn't have done when I was drinking, to remind myself how much better I feel about myself at the end of the day, and how much better I feel when I wake up without a hangover. I'm taking an antidepressant that doesn't do it's job if I mix it with alcohol, so yet another smart reason to not drink. The list just goes on and on...

ru12

The gratitude list helps me immensely.

I think you will feel better once you stop drinking for a while. The guilt we heap upon ourselves is tragic. You are human and you are doing the best you can at this moment. You can and will develop better coping skills when you get yourself sober.

I have yet to meet any person with some time behind them that wishes they would have only kept drinking for a while longer. I wish I would have quit YEARS before I did. I wasted a lot of time and suffered much more than I could have. But I am sober now, and I am doing the best that I can do now. You can get sober too and feel better.

Journey40

Day number two...so glad I was able to get away with my kids and some friends today! We went on an "adventure" and hit the road! I wanted to talk to my friend about my struggles, but ofcourse with all he kiddos with us, I just put it all away for the day and enjoyed the outdoors. It was a gorgeous day, and although we had dinner at a nice restaurant, I only had a glass of water with my meal. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to drive, and throw down a couple glasses of wine, I didn't do it. I didn't want to be the only person drinking at the table, to be honest, but it doesn't matter, I didn't drink! Tomorrow will be a tough day, my first Fathers Day without my pops. I'm prepared for some emotions coming my way. Gona go to bed and brainstorm ways to distract myself from drinking. Wish me luck.

oak

Good job on 2 days! Glad you got away and enjoyed the day.

My own dad died two years ago. The grief was intense. I am still sad but much more mellow sadness. It will get easier. Take good care of yourself. Take another day trip if it helps. Be gentle with yourself.