ImReadyToQuit

Not to get too personal, but I know for a fact that if I told my wife some of the things I did while drinking (not adultery), that she would immediately take my son and leave me forever.

Your thoughts?

ElegantlyWasted

Man... That's tough... I keep going back to the AA line of thinking which is to apologize (make amends) unless it causes more problems than it solves. You've got to figure out your own internal ethical/moral compass IMHO as so many things get effected with this sort of stuff. To me the question what is the greater good?

ru12

Why do you want to tell her? If it is to just unburden yourself the no don't tell her

ImReadyToQuit

It's definitely not unburden me.. I can't imagine surviving a divorce.. The only confessions I make our to God typically.. Part of me is struggling with how much I love her, and thinking she deserves to know the whole truth... I would suffer way more than her (not to say she wouldn't either).. But in comparison..

Soberpotamus

I can't imagine not disclosing info to my husband. To my knowledge, he knows just about anything and everything I've done. We've been married since 11-11-11. I was sober 8 months beginning the month we married. He also said I was an ******* when I was sober. Lol. Live and learn. Guess I had some issues to work out, relapsed, and back at it again... this time he says I'm not an *******

There's only one thing I can imagine doing or him doing that would warrant divorce, and that is adultery. Neither of us would ever do it. Neither of us has ever cheated in a relationship. Loyalty is huge for me.

Sudz No More

In all relationships I believe honesty is the cornerstone to trust. That said, we are all still our own selves with our own hobbies. If this will never directly affect her if nothing is said than I question tellling her. Some things get carried to the grave without ever leaving our own minds.

ImReadyToQuit

I'll put out just one thing.. But I left my 6 month home alone, without the house locked (we only had one key) and walk 2 blocks to get beer and come back and home he wasn't kidnapped or sick or dead..

(he's 2 years now and everythings ok).. But I know just that ONE thing.. It'd be over.

To put it easier.. It's not the stuff I've done.. But the stuff I got away with.. I never cheated.. But big deal.. I put our child's life in serious danger.. Can't think of anything worse.

MsJax

I feel it is very important to disclose things that may impact & hurt your partner. Financial issues that hurt their credit, things like that. Most important sexual infidelity so they can be tested for std's.

Little stuff that is over and hurts no one, I'd just let it be

Fallow

Why are you so worried about it now?

Sure that is not something that should ever be done but it is in the past. I would not tell her about it. And I would concentrate on what will ensure you do not ever put your child in harms way again.

You have to think about your child in this. Would your child be better off if you confessed and he grew up in a broken home over it?

Its water under the bridge..

ru12

You wonder how much you love her? How long have you been married? I've been married almost 2 decades and my "love" for my wife has ebbed and flowed during that time. But you know what? Love is a verb. No matter how I felt at a particular time I made the choice to love my wife, regardless of my feelings in the moment. Many years ago I made promises to her in front of all the people that we held dear. And I try my best to keep those promises.

I'm also a parent and have done some pretty stupid things during that time. But I don't do them now and I won't do them in the future. I had to learn how to be a parent and that took time. Our kids somehow manage to survive us as parents. Stay sober. Love your kid(s). Love your wife.

ReadyAtLast

What good would it do to disclose it now? Unburdening yourself,yes but to what end? Your wife will probably never trust you again,yousay she will leave you, your child will come from a broken home. Yes, honesty it important but what good will come of it. If you know you will never do such a thing again, accept what is done,it cannot be changed,thank God there was not a worse outcome and move on. I'm with Fallow on this one,what good will it do your child coming from a broken home.As long as he is safe now and you won't endanger him again then that's what matters

GiantNZ

You mucked up or was it the addict that mucked up. My suggestion is don't do anything for a while. Just keep being the best Dad you can be right now. I think your little boy would prefer to grow up with Mum & Dad together and happy than living just with his Mum. Its happened and remember "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, live for today"

fantail

Honestly, I don't know though. I can see that it's over and done with. On the other hand, if you really think it would matter enough to her that she would consider leaving you, it seems very problematic to keep things to yourself. By doing that, you're essentially giving yourself the right to make the decision on her behalf.

I would imagine that she would also consider the effects of a broken home on a child before making her decision. She would weigh all the options just as you would. If at the end of that she still felt that the breaches were so problematic that she couldn't stay in the marriage, I think that's her decision.

By keeping the information to yourself you are in effect deciding that you get to be the sole judge of whether or not your actions are due cause for ending the marriage.

That alone is probably a bigger betrayal than any of the individual incidents themselves.

bigsombrero

I agree - I could have disclosed some terribly hurtful information "in the name of TRUTH" once I became sober. Glad I didn't, it might have made me feel better in the short term but the consequences would have outweighed the benefits. I'd have gotten my arse kicked, been ostracized from my closest friends, and broken up a very happy couple. There are some secrets worth keeping. In fact, a better way to look at it is to "let go" of that secret. You're not keeping it any longer, but that doesn't mean you have to blab it. Just throw it off the edge of the boat and let it sink to the bottom of the ocean. Finito.

Or, get a therapist and rattle on until your heart's content!

Michelangelo

No. There is no moral obligation of disclosing all the truth. If it can destroy your marriage, then you should not disclose it. Every marriage has secrets. That is not bad

LadyinBC

The first thing you have to do is to forgive yourself. I'm not married so I can't really comment on the telling or not telling your wife part. My only thought is to be sure that she won't find out from someone else. That would probably be worse.

You aren't the only person who has ever done this and unfortunately you won't be the last. We have all done stupid and dangerous things while drinking, myself included, so I would be the last person to judge you.

Try to make peace with it. Live today for your son, don't dwell on what might have been.

Nighthawk8820

There are things that have happened in my alcohol days that I would prefer to keep to myself. That being said, if I meet someone who is struggling, I can get very open because Im not too proud to share the nitty gritty details of my past if I feel like my sharing may help them in someway or allow them to not feel so isolated.

Riel

You're being a drama queen. You didn't put your child's life in "serious danger."

If the rest of your sins are of the same ilk, press the clear button and forget about them.

If you keep beating yourself up, you're far more likely to go back to drinking than if you accept the fact that you're a normal human being who does messed up things when he's drunk.

Gottalife

There is a saying I have heard in AA, though it's not part of the program.

"Your secrets will keep you sick". If that's true and this is really bugging you, you must find a way to deal with it.

Everyone has different values and things that really upset you may be fine by someone elses values. Thus the incident you mentioned is serious in your mind, but may seem trivial to others. How you feel about it is the most important thing.

In AA we have a process for secrets, starting with the 5th step which is taken with an individual who we trust to keep their mouth shut and not necessarily an AA member. I think of it as the freedom step. To hang on to my secrets would have been the death of me.

A little later we make a list of all the people we had harmed and consider how we can put that right. That might involve making amends directly to the person, confessing the wrongs and asking what we can do to put it right, or it might be in the nature of indirect amends, particularly if others might be harmed if we made a direct disclosure. Indirect amends might be getting properly sober and being the best Dad you can be.

I agree with the suggestion to not rush into this. Pray about it, seek wise counsel.