My Valuable Lesson
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
My Valuable Lesson
I was 1 year and 5 months sober before my relapse a few weeks ago. I felt very bad and beat myself up a lot over it. I posted here recently that my therapist and family wanted me to go to a 28 day rehab centre, and I didn't really want to. The centre wouldn't take me anyway, because I take klonopin at night for anxiety, and seizures. Anyway, I decided to go to the centre today to have a chat with the people that run it. The lady said that they would admit me if I was off the klonopin and after 28 days I would go to their sister centre for 90 days! (I was like, absolutely no way!!) She was very kind, and gave me a few books to take away, and said I could post them back.
I am very very very glad that I did. It opened my eyes to a lot of things, and gave me a better understanding of this disease. Now I understand what the moderators of these boards are always talking about. ("What's your plan?" etc.) She said that being an alcoholic is similar to having diabetes. It is a very rare person that beats alcoholism by themselves. As a diabetic there are certain things they have to do every day to control their condition, and as an alcoholic there are things you have to do every day.
After our talk, I decided to go to an AA meeting. I was quaking as I walked in the door and my mouth was dry. I could feel the bile in the back of my throat. I had made a decision not to talk today, and they said that was ok. Everyone was really really nice. A woman gave some leaflets, and she wrote her number on them and said to call her if I ever need to talk. A man gave me a silver coin with keep coming back written on it.
I have decided to start off with 2-3 meetings a week. The panic and fear and anxiety and jerks (that I take klonopin for) that have accompanied me since last weekend have melted away. I have been attending college since last September, and the reality is that I could have been attending meetings all this time, but I was using college as an excuse ("I'm too busy...).
The funny thing is that when I left the meeting I went to the supermarket to get some groceries. Even today, after the hell I have been to, I thought, wouldn't it be nice to get a bottle of wine and relax when I get home?! After everything!! After guilt and beating myself up and breathalysers, and humilation and antebuse and everything! I left the shop and went for a chai latte instead.
I posted here after my relapse, and I was in a complete state. The mods and all of you were very, very kind to me, and I am very thankful. At the time, my relapse felt like the worst thing in the world, but it has been the kick in the pants that I needed. I have learned a lesson. I think I got too cocky. I am sitting here with a glass of sparkling grape juice and I am typing and I want to raise a glass to all of you, my fellow warriors. I could not have got through this without all of you.
To all of you reading, have a relaxing evening.
Love Tetra.
I am very very very glad that I did. It opened my eyes to a lot of things, and gave me a better understanding of this disease. Now I understand what the moderators of these boards are always talking about. ("What's your plan?" etc.) She said that being an alcoholic is similar to having diabetes. It is a very rare person that beats alcoholism by themselves. As a diabetic there are certain things they have to do every day to control their condition, and as an alcoholic there are things you have to do every day.
After our talk, I decided to go to an AA meeting. I was quaking as I walked in the door and my mouth was dry. I could feel the bile in the back of my throat. I had made a decision not to talk today, and they said that was ok. Everyone was really really nice. A woman gave some leaflets, and she wrote her number on them and said to call her if I ever need to talk. A man gave me a silver coin with keep coming back written on it.
I have decided to start off with 2-3 meetings a week. The panic and fear and anxiety and jerks (that I take klonopin for) that have accompanied me since last weekend have melted away. I have been attending college since last September, and the reality is that I could have been attending meetings all this time, but I was using college as an excuse ("I'm too busy...).
The funny thing is that when I left the meeting I went to the supermarket to get some groceries. Even today, after the hell I have been to, I thought, wouldn't it be nice to get a bottle of wine and relax when I get home?! After everything!! After guilt and beating myself up and breathalysers, and humilation and antebuse and everything! I left the shop and went for a chai latte instead.
I posted here after my relapse, and I was in a complete state. The mods and all of you were very, very kind to me, and I am very thankful. At the time, my relapse felt like the worst thing in the world, but it has been the kick in the pants that I needed. I have learned a lesson. I think I got too cocky. I am sitting here with a glass of sparkling grape juice and I am typing and I want to raise a glass to all of you, my fellow warriors. I could not have got through this without all of you.
To all of you reading, have a relaxing evening.
Love Tetra.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
That was really inspiring, Tetra - thanks! And congratulations on a new phase in your sober journey! It took me a couple relapses too to learn that, indeed, this disease is "cunning, baffling and powerful." Glad you're here!
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