PaperDolls

It seems I don't know how to act appropriately when my feelings are hurt. Anger. Anger is my reaction.

Now, how do I make amends for acting like a teenage girl?! Sorry, I shouldn't have acted like that. When you were a jerk and hurt my feelings I got angry and it was wrong. I have a feeling that won't go over well.

I feel like I'm working so hard at looking for the solution, what I feel I should be doing, I'm driving myself crazy. My squirrel cage is working double-time.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Dee74

I find it works better when you leave out the 'you were a jerk' bit

Unless they really are a jerk, they know they were a jerk - that's on them and their amends to you should they wish to follow it up....but I can only deal with my side of the street?

KarenSW

The Big Book tells us we are a sensitive bunch! That is so true for me. That being said, all I can do when making amends is apologize for what my part was and only that...expecting nothing in return.

soberlicious

To experience anger is to be human. I don't think there is anything wrong with expressing anger respectfully. I don't apologize for my feelings, but rather I apologize if my expression of them was disrespectful.

EndGameNYC

Feelings of anger give us important information about ourselves. What am I afraid of losing? What is it that I need that I'm afraid I won't get? In early sobriety I learned to ask myself, before acting on my anger, "Is it really worth it?" Over time, I became increasingly comfortable with my anger, and began asking, "What's in it for me?" before acting. Nowadays, I more often than not I ask, "What am I trying to accomplish?" before acting on my anger.

Anger is often a substitute for or derivative of fear. It's an indication of the frustration we experience when things don't go our way. Most of us are more comfortable being angry instead of being afraid.

When you meet someone who seems to live in their own anger, you can be certain that a sense of existential terror -- of psychological annihilation -- is what drives his/her anger.

Threshold

I've learned I don't need to apologize for my feelings, only my wrong actions.

And that an apology doesn't include an assessment of the other person's behavior.

So..."I apologize for sticking my tongue out at you, saying nanny nanny boo boo and slamming the door." the end.

Eddiebuckle

LOL @ Dee. Until you can honestly apologize without qualifying it, don't apologize because it would be superficial at best and quite possibly will cause further damage.

In the meantime, the next time you see this person, simply acknowledge that your actions were out of line. If you want, you can also say that you are still pretty upset about the whole thing and not yet in a place to discuss it any further than acknowledging your part in the tiff.

artsoul

I think the title of your thread says it all: Just saying "my feelings were hurt" is the way to go. It's hard to remember that at the time, though - it seems to be human nature to become defensive/angry. Maybe it's some kind of hard-wired protective mechanism (?).....

When I find myself getting really angry, I try to take a time-out and that helps, too. (It took raising 3 children to finally learn that!)

PaperDolls

Seriously. Love. SR ... so many smart people. Thank you.

I was able to apologize for my actions (or reaction) to getting my feelings hurt without being a jerk about it. It opened the door for a much better conversation about what was going on. Things are better .... may be a few bumps in the road still but nothing we can't handle.

Interestingly, in the past I had a very difficult time understanding that my anger was sometimes a result of getting my feelings hurt (fear). Now I'm better at recognizing it which is a great thing for sure ..... but, there's this thing inside of me sometimes. When I get to say "You hurt my feelings ..... " .... I have to check my motives. So many times I've said it and even though it was the truth, I had this expectation that they would feel badly about it and feel sorry for me and apologize.....NOT good motives. Not to mention having those expectations and then not getting what I wanted/expected. Anger can sometime come into play again. *Sigh* This being aware stuff can wear a girl down!

I heard someone say in a meeting last night, as she was being told off by someone on the phone, she remembered someone saying in a meeting, when dealing with a situation like that "Breathe in God, exhale [insert your name]". I love it, and I'm sure I'll be using it in the future.

For years I've been able to apologize for my actions but not my feelings ... for whatever reason that clicked with me years ago. I lived in an Oxford house for a number of years. There were many times I had to say difficult things to people, things they didn't want to hear. Often times they were taken wrong and I got bad reactions. I was able to say "I'm sorry that what I'm saying is upsetting to you, that's not my intention. I care about you enough to tell you things that you may not like. You may not believe that now but may be in the future you'll see it differently." It was pretty empowering. Makes having difficult conversations a little more doable. A little more, not a ton more.

tomsteve

welp, when I was drinking, I said,"im sorry" quite often, which quite often led to the reply,"dam right yer sorry." so, I dont like to use that.

what I do is admit what I did wasn't right, why it wasn't right, and what I did to correct myself.


and leave out the " but you..."

on the feeling part, im gonna have em. that's one of the great blessing of sobriety!! and I dont have to let my actions be controlled by my feelings. not that that is always the case,tho.