Alcoholic in recovery, but brother is an addict
 

Hi all, it's been a long time since I was a poster, mostly on the Friends/Family board. I'm not an alcoholic but my boyfriend has been for at least a decade. He finally found AA and has seven months sober and is doing great. I'm really proud of him!

We have a question and if you guys have any advice/experience to share, I'd be grateful. My boyfriend's only sibling, his brother, is an alcoholic, marijuana addict, and porn addict. He's also a very angry/violent guy. These days since getting into recovery, my boyfriend avoids spending time with his brother except at family dinners and holidays.

His brother sometimes makes angry remarks about wanting my boyfriend to come over to his house and hang out with him, that he never sees him anymore. In the past, my boyfriend and his brother would get wasted regularly at his brother's house. Since he's been sober, my boyfriend has been to his brother's only once to hang out and left by 9 PM before things could potentially get bad. His brother, surprisingly, did not use alcohol or drugs that time (his wife told him not to because my boyfriend was newly sober and she supports his sobriety), but my boyfriend thinks it's only a matter of time if he goes over there to hang out that his brother will use in front of him.

So my boyfriend has suggested that they go to the movies/out to dinner. But his brother only wants to hang out at his place and watch movie clips and listen to music. He's not interested in actually going places and doing activities with my boyfriend.

Right now, he hasn't asked my boyfriend over to hang out lately, but I'm really anxious about it happening and my boyfriend is dreading having to tell him that he doesn't want to be at his house if there's going to be substance use. I talked to my own counselor about it and she said my boyfriend should not go hang out at his brother's house because it's a place he used, just like the bars he used to go to.

My boyfriend is avoiding seeing his brother because he doesn't like his anger and addiction issues. But at some point, his brother will probably blow up in a rage and insist that they hang out at his place. What does a recovering alcoholic do when they have family members who are still heavily addicted?

I don't think it makes sense to spend so much thought on a hypothetical situation. If the brother blows up, the brother blows up. It's not a pleasant situation but it shouldn't have any impact on your boyfriend's sobriety.

I'd be more concerned that your boyfriend is setting himself up for a relapse by acting like his brother is some kind of drunk tornado that could land on him at any time. He always has a choice in the matter. If he thinks going to his brother's place will endanger his sobriety, then he shouldn't go. That's not going to be the most fun conversation in the world, but it's also pretty cut and dry in my opinion.

First of all, congratulations to your boyfriend on his sobriety. It's a shame about his brother, but as you probably know, there's not much you can do to change an alcoholic until they decide they're ready.

I think your boyfriend is wise to avoid being around his brother when he's drinking. It's not just that the temptation would be there...... it's all the drama, too. If your BF hasn't already, he might want to check AlAnon out......

Agreed - the brother is still lost in addiction. He doesn't want to go out because it's all about him and being in the optimal situation to get hammered. I would avoid hanging out there and tell him if he wants time with your boyfriend he can have it, but on your boyfriend's terms. Like not around booze. Remember the brother is sick and can't see how he is endangering your boyfriend's sobriety. Your boyfriend can love his brother but doesn't have to do as he says or fear him. If the brother gets mad - let him have his tantrum and good riddance until he can behave like a grown up, which isn't likely while in active addiction. God bless ya'll...